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so, farewell to my friend

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When Jimin was young, he had only one friend. It was his first friend actually. A boy by the name of Jungkook. They met in first grade and immediately became inseparable. Most of the other kids didn't like Jimin. They thought he was odd. They only pretended to befriend him because he was the smart kid and they wanted answers. But not Jungkook. Jungkook has a heart of gold. He was the first and only person to ever defend Jimin from their peers' harmful words.


The pair was lucky enough to have all of their elementary classes together. Where Jimin went, Jungkook followed, and vice versa. Adults would tease them claiming they were made for each other and meant to be. This caused the children's ears to turn red and their faces hot, embarrassed by those ideas. But as they grew together, those thoughts stayed tucked in the back of Jimin's mind, dwelling there.


By the time middle school came around, Jimin had met new kids who genuinely became his friends. They didn't want him for his smarts, and they didn't call him fat behind his back. Jungkook started to become a more popular kid. He was attractive, tall, and a basketball player so naturally other kids wanted to be his friend. Jimin was scared this would change his best friend, he was scared he was going to lose him. But Jungkook’s golden-hearted nature never wavered. He never changed. He was still the same sweet boy that would get into a physical fight on Jimin’s behalf. He was always so loyal.


But then things began to shift. Their classes together dwindled. Their contact slipping. New friend groups forming. Laughing and inside jokes and arms slung around each other began to turn to quick smiles and nods in the hallway as they passed one another. Taehyung, one of Jimin’s friends started to fulfill the “best friend title”. All of a sudden they were the inseparable ones. It seemed to have happened so quickly. Jimin wept.


And so you know, everywhere I roam

I'll see you on the road


By the end of middle school, Jimin and Jungkook had only a single class together. And it hit him hard as he sat on the gymnasium bleachers watching as Jungkook participated in a basketball game; he had a crush on him. Jungkook was so attractive. He was kind, funny, cute, smart, and a hard worker. As these thoughts sunk in all Jimin could feel was despair. They were barely friends and now his brain was all jumbled with these rapid thoughts. 


Does Jungkook think I’m attractive too? Has he ever thought about me like this? Did he like the other people he’s dated? Why didn’t I realize I was jealous all those times? Why didn’t I realize the twisting in my stomach when he looked at me was this? Would he want me? Would he be embarrassed to be with someone so fat and ugly?


Jimin went home cried into his pillow that night. Thinking about this was too tiring. Jungkook was perfect and clearly would never want him. No point in even beginning to entertain these ideas. So he mourned that night and tucked it away to the back of his mind. He would not think of this again. Jungkook was barely his friend now.


I’ve never been one for goodbyes


High school was hell for Jimin. He’d never experienced that many highs and lows all at once. He went through it with Taehyung by his side, their friendship strong and bright. Jimin had good experiences, new friendships made, and fond memories to look back on. He had more crushes, all ending in tears. He’d been made fun of more. He had more anxiety and suicidal thoughts than he’d had his whole life. It was an extreme rollercoaster. He didn’t have a class with Jungkook again until their final year.


Jimin was sat in the class on the first day, the first student to enter the room as usual. Through high school, he’d see Jungkook occasionally and they would wave to one another. It was a tough pill for Jimin to swallow that Jungkook had entirely new friends and priorities. Some days, late at night, he would allow himself to grieve the broken bond, but tried his best to push it away and not think about it. So, when Jungkook entered the classroom and sat right beside him, he felt a little spark of hope twinge in his heart. Out of all the empty desks, he chose the one right by Jimin. That meant something, right?


They rarely spoke to each other the entire year in that class. Jimin tried a few times, but Jungkook has always been a bit on the silent side, and Jimin felt too awkward to force conversation. That little crush Jimin harbored in his head was full-blown now. Jungkook had only gotten more handsome and kind with age. He was still the same caring boy Jimin knew years ago. Still the same sense of humor that would have Jimin clutching his stomach with tears rolling down his face. But there was no rekindling. No personal reconnection. No progress. Nothing. And Jimin’s crush roared on. 


So, 'till I meet you there, I'm singing

A traveling song to ease the ride


When they graduated, Jimin cheered louder than anyone when Jungkook's name was called out and he walked across the stage in his cap and gown. They didn’t meet up after graduation. They never texted each other. They went to separate colleges.

Jimin was 18 years old and had never been asked to a dance, asked on a date, been confessed to, or had his first kiss. What did he know about love? But when he thinks of the loss of Jungkook, his best friend, his first crush, he thinks it hurts too much to not be love.


He feels stupid. He feels dramatic. But for so many fundamental years, Jungkook was all he had. Jimin’s childhood was not a good one. He had parents who neglected him and an older sister who hated him with a vengeance. He had a grandmother who would end up being the cause of his eating disorder and unstable connection with his own body and self-worth. In the midst of all that shit, Jungkook had been the only light.

Can you understand his longing for this person back in his life? He doesn’t care anymore if Jungkook loves him. He just wants him back. He wants that connection, that joy, that support. For so long Jungkook was all he had and the hole that the loss of Jungkook ripped in Jimin’s heart is gaping wide open and still bleeding. It hasn’t scabbed over because it can’t. Jimin held it in too long and now it’s all streaming out of him like a burst dam. He sees Jungkook in everything. In a child’s happy face, in the color purple, in that damned library they used to sit in and laugh for hours, in that field they played in by the treeline. 


He will never be able to forget the wonderful soul that is Jungkook. He feels as if he will grieve this damage forever. He’ll never be able to erase from his mind how beautiful it could have been. Childhood best friends from the age of 6 to an old married couple. They fit together so perfectly and he will never be able to scrub away those images burned into his hopeful imagination.


As children, Jimin and Jungkook promised each other that they would stick together forever. They would go through school together, graduate together, go to college together, become roommates, never leave each other. Foolish, childish wishes that Jimin clung to too tightly and couldn’t let go. Now his hands are stained with the false promises and it taints what he touches. He’s unable to forget anything about Jungkook. 


Nobody knows where they are going

Oh, how we try to wrap our minds

Over the edge of all our knowings


And so you know, everywhere I roam

I'll see you on the road


My sweet, golden-hearted boy. I believe the universe intended us to be, in one way or another. I believe we are soulmates in some way. I believe we were destined to meet. I weep thinking this is the end. It seems we were only meant to complete each other for the beginning of our lives. Time has been cruel to me; I hope it will favor you. I will never be able to forget all the happiness you showed me. I’ll never forget our years of idiotic laughter, or our handwritten comic books, or our secret handshake, or our hour-long uno games, or how you used to call me “woman” when you were agitated, or the way you walked with me everywhere, or the way I felt so goddamn safe around you, or how cute you look when you’re tired, or how I was the only person you turned to calm you down, or how we defended each other from harsh words, or how we depended so greatly on each other. You are my first love. I will never be able to forget. It is my curse and blessing.


Oh, I take it in vain

All the plans and moves that we made

Half a heart is aching to grow

Soulmates aren't just lovers, you know? I know, I know

Your eyes are the rain, just a soul that's changin' in shape

I'll be laughin' all of the way

Thinkin' 'bout the days, oh