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He would have

Chapter Text

Tw: Death, suicide, grieving, yelling, fighting, self harm, drinking, eating disorder

He would have been 19 today.

That is the first thought in Wilbur's mind as he wakes up. He hated that was the first thing in his brain but that's what it was. And it wasn't a lie. He would have been 19 today.

Wilbur sits up fully and blinks a couple of times trying to wake up a bit more. He rubs as his eyes as he slides his leg over the side of his twin sized mattress. He looks at the alarm clock on the side table, seeing it was 4:39am.

He stands up and walks out of his bedroom, going to the bathroom and shutting the doors, despite living alone and not needing to do so. He was just used to people disregarding his privacy.

He looked in the mirror, he wasn't clean shaven and he could probably do with a hair cut. His long brown hair was a mess.

Techno used to cut it all the time. It used to make them both laugh as Techno threatened to shave his whole head if he didn't sit still. But he hadn't seen Techno in about 3 years, so it's not like he could just ask for a haircut anymore.

He looked down at the sink and cringed. The mushy substance of medication mixed with water sat at the bottom of the sink, left over from Wilbur's break down the night previous. Guess he wasn't taking his meds this month.

Wilbur turned on the sink to try and get it out of the bottom of the bowl. While the water ran his eyes drifted over to the blood stained razor and he frowned. Last night was really shit wasn't it?

He eventually gave up the hope of cleaning his bathroom and just turned off the water. He threw the empty pill container and the razor into the trash can, grabbing a new razor to at least shave his face.

Once that was over he looked in the mirror again. He still hated what he saw.

He would have liked the long hair on you.

His mind told him softly. He gave a soft chuckle, agreeing with his own thoughts. He turned back around and walked out of the bathroom, again closing the door behind him. He walked to his room and grabbed clean clothes out of his closet. .

He pulled on some jeans, his favorite yellow sweater and a red beanie, covering his long hair. He glanced at the clock again, 5:27am. He wasn't supposed to show up until 8am, so he had way too much time to kill.

The drive was kind of long though, he guessed that's what happens when you live 2 hours away from the place you're supposed to be.

So Wilbur grabbed his keys, pulled on his shoes and locked up his apartment. Making it out to his car he turned it on and let it heat up for a moment, before pulling out of the parking lot.

He stopped at a local coffee shop, getting something to drink. Partly because he needed caffeine, partly because he wanted to kill some time. Just because he had to be there at 8am doesn't mean he actually was going to be.

"And here's your latte and cookie." The barista smiles at him. Wilbur glances at her as he takes the goods.

"I didn't order a cookie." He states and she smiles while shaking her head.

"You seem like you need it. Have a good day." She says and she closes the window. Wilbur nods softly before pulling out of the drive through, there was no way he was going to eat it but it was a nice thought. Maybe he could give it to Techno

"Hey I know I haven't seen you in years and I didn't even try to reach out but I brought you a cookie"

Because that would play out well.

He would have liked the cookie, he always loved chocolate chip.

And again Wilbur agrees with his own brain, he would have loved the cookie.

Wilbur drove in silence for a while before turning on some music from his phone. It was soft music and he didn't mind it. It felt nice not to sit in the quiet.

It was 8:31 when he arrived. He parked on the street and looked up at the house. His childhood house. He hadn't been here for years and years, not since he moved out 3 years ago. He still remembers his father and twin's face as he loaded the final box into the back of his car.

Techno was frowning, arms crossed and not a word came from his mouth. Wilbur didn't understand why he was so angry, he knew from social media that Techno moved out a month later.

His father on the other hand was a drunken sobbing mess. Begging Wilbur not to leave, telling him that he needed him at home.

But Wilbur was 19, so it wasn't like he could be stopped. He would admit that once he got into his car and began to pull away he hoped that something would go wrong, and he would be forced to stay.

He would have wanted you to stay.

But it wasn't good for him. So he left for what felt like forever. And now here he was, returning. Jesus Christ this wasn't going to end well.

Wilbur shut off his car and looked at the driveway, Techno's car was there, meaning he was inside already. That was such a Techno thing, to be on time to something that they all knew was going to be shit.

Wilbur hopped out of the car, locking it and crossing the grass to the front door, knocking swiftly. He stared at the door while he waited for it to open, it got a new coat of paint since he was last here.

The door soon opened and there he was, Wilbur's father staring down at him.

"Hey Wil." He smiled, moving aside so Wilbur could come inside. Wilbur frowned at the nickname, no one called him Wil anymore.

"Hello Phil." Wilbur responded coolly as he walked passed his father, keeping his shoes on. Last time he was in this house there was so much alcohol staining the carpet it would stain his white socks brown.

"It's nice to see you again." Phil smiled, closing the door. Wilbur hummed in response, looking around the house. It was cleaner that the last time, and it didn't smell like beer, more like roses. Wilbur stood there, and Phil just watched him for a moment.

"Jesus you're a fucking twig." Another voice said and Wilbur turned to see Techno standing in the doorway to the kitchen. Wilbur shrugged, not knowing how to respond to that. "When was the last time you ate a proper meal?" Techno questioned.

"Dunno, yesterday maybe." Wilbur lies. He knows when he last meal was, it was 5 days ago. Everything that he had managed to eat since then was small, a couple of goldfish, half an apple, a spoonful of peanut butter. Nothing that would ever actually fill him.

"Come on, I'm making you breakfast." Techno grumbles and Wilbur rolls his eyes, but he followed Techno into the kitchen anyway. Phil followed behind him softly, like it wasn't his house but Wilbur and Techno's now.

Wilbur sat at the breakfast bar, Phil taking a spot next to him as Techno pulled out pans and ingredients from the fridge.

"So Wil, what have you been up to? Still in school?" Phil asks and Wilbur wanted to roll his eyes, but he stopped himself.

"Hey, he just asking a question." Techno tells him and Wilbur looks at him.

"I didn't say anything." Wilbur frowns and Techno did roll his eyes.

"Yeah but you have that stupid face you make when you're annoyed but don't want to admit it out of fear of being rude." Techno points out, turning back to the stove to turn it on.

"What are you, my therapist?" Wilbur spits out and Techno scoffs.

"What the therapist you don't go to?" Techno snaps at him and Wilbur wanted to stand up and punch Techno in the face.

"Can we not fight today? Please?" Phil asks and Wilbur turns to look at him.

"I haven't seen either of you in three years, and it's my baby brother's anniversary of his death, along with his fucking birthday. You think that it's going to be all fucking peachy?" Wilbur snaps at his father.

He wouldn't have wanted you to be fighting right now.

"Wil, I'm just trying to keep some sort of peace." Phil says softly and Wilbur groans.

"Stop fucking calling me Wil, no one fucking calls me Wil. He fucking called me Wil okay? I don't want anyone else to." Wilbur snaps and Phil sighs.

"I'm sorry, just please calm down." Phil says and Wilbur groans again, putting his head in his hands. He doesn't look up but just listens to the sounds of Techno cooking.

"This is what happens when you stop eating." Techno mumbles softly and Wilbur laughs slightly.

"Jesus do you ever stop acting like you know everything?" Wilbur questions and he hears Techno sigh.

"Wilbur we're identical twins and we grew up for 19 years together. 3 years isn't going to make me forget everything about you, I'm not going to forget the faces you make, or how your bad habits effect you, or what happens when you're loosing yourself." Techno says and there was a soft thud. Wilbur opened his eyes to see a plate of eggs and toast in front of him. "Eat before I shove it down your throat." Techno threatens.

"So violent." Wilbur mumbles and Phil laughs slightly. Wilbur looks at him to see that he had his own plate of eggs and toast in front of him.

"What? He makes good food." Phil shrugs as he bit into the toast. Wilbur sighed again and picked up a fork, digging into the eggs.

"Do you want juice or milk?" Techno questioned, opening up the fridge.

"Coffee." Wilbur says, looking over at the half full coffee pot on the counter, it hadn't moved since Wilbur lived here but it was a new one.

"No, you're shaking which tells me you already had coffee today. So juice or milk?" Techno pushes.

"Water." Wilbur says through a mouthful of eggs. Techno rolls his eyes and grabs a jug of juice from the fridge, grabbing cups from the cupboard. "I said water." Wilbur says after he swallows.

"And I said juice or milk. You need calories." Techno says as he puts a cup of juice in front of Wilbur.

"Why are you so worried?" Wilbur questions as Techno pours a cup for Phil and then himself. Wilbur spotted Techno's own plate on the counter near the stove.

"Because you aren't taking care of yourself and I'd rather not have another brother die on me." Techno snaps a bit harshly. A quiet fell over the kitchen.

"If you're so worried why didn't you call me?" Wilbur questioned and Techno put the cup in front of Phil before looking into Wilbur's eyes.

"Because I didn't think you wanted me to. You left the house without a goodbye and just let us struggle on our own without you." Techno recalls.

"You left a month later." Wilbur shrugs.

"So? We still needed you. You were fine to leave but you should have called or checked in. You shouldn't have just moved away to who knows where." Techno informs him and Wilbur just stares down at his plate. Techno didn't say anything more.

"I should have done better for you two. I shouldn't have made you feel like you had to move away without saying anything, I shouldn't have been the person that I was." Phil says in the silence. They both look at their father. Phil decided that he could continue. "Loosing Tommy was so hard for all of us, and I didn't deal well. I went straight to drinking because it helped ease the pain. And I shouldn't have done that. And I failed you both. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was a shit father and I wish I could have done better."

"It's not okay." Techno starts off slowly, like he was thinking about his words. "But I understand why what happened, happened. And I know there's nothing we can do to change what happened. So I'm not exactly mad at you, I'm just disappointed." Wilbur sighs.

"I've been mad at you both for years. I've been mad at you for not doing more and just being a shit father. And I've been mad at you for making me feel like I wasn't allowed to leave." Wilbur explains, and it was true.

Techno knew Wilbur was planning on leaving, he caught Wilbur packing boxes in the dead of night. But he just told Wilbur that he couldn't leave, that he shouldn't leave.

And Wilbur listened for a few months, but after their 19th birthday he knew it was time. He knew he couldn't keep living there, so he left.

He would have wanted you to make up.

"But I know it was just how you both were trying to deal with things, so I'm sorry about it all." Wilbur sighed, pushing away his plate and taking off his hat to run his hands through his hair.

"You need a haircut." Techno comments and Wilbur looks up to meet his eyes. "Come on."

"No Techno it's fine. I shouldn't stay long, I just came to say hello." Wilbur said, trying to come up with some sort of excuse.

"You don't have anything going on for the rest of the day, there's no reason for you to be leaving so soon Wilbur. Come on, I'm cutting your hair." Techno argues and Wilbur sighs, giving in.

"You guys are welcome to spend the night, your rooms are still the same as you left them. Well they were cleaned to help get all the smell out of the house, but they're there for you." Phil smiles and Techno nods.

"Thanks dad. We'll think about it." Techno says and he walks out of the kitchen, Wilbur following him. They end up in the bathroom that was upstairs, between their rooms. Techno grabbed a stool out of the office that was across the hall and brought it into the bathroom for Wilbur to sit on. He then grabbed the clippers and scissors from the drawer.

"Did you even take your stuff with you when you left?" Wilbur questioned. Techno grabbed a towel off the rack and wrapped it around Wilbur's shoulders.

"Some of it. I just moved about 15 minutes from here, so I felt like I didn't need to take all of it." Techno explains and Wilbur hums, watching Techno plug in the clippers.

"I am still sorry of what happened." Wilbur says and Techno nods, turning the clippers on.

"I know. Don't move I'm starting. But I know. I'm not mad at you for it." Techno says and Wilbur just sits there.

"Have you come back since then?" Wilbur asked as Techno began to trim Wilbur's hair in the back.

"Yeah. Not a lot, about once or twice a month. But I didn't for months after I moved out." Techno says and Wilbur thinks for a moment.

"What made you come back the first time?" He wondered and Techno laughed softly.

"I told him I wouldn't come back until he was at least two weeks sober. That took months, but he eventually managed it. Then I helped him clean the place, before we decided that it would be easier to pay someone else to do it." Techno laughs and Wilbur smiles.

"How much did that take?" Wilbur jokes and Techno full on laughs, making Wilbur smile more.

"Oh jesus you have no idea. They had to first clean up all the bottles and shit that was just everywhere. Then they had to get all the stains out, a lot of shit needed to be replaced or redone. It took them two whole weeks to get the house nice again." Techno explains and Wilbur laughed a bit. "Stop fucking moving or I'm buzzing your head off."

And that made Wilbur feel like maybe things would be okay. Techno joking about cutting all his hair off made him feel like things were normal, even if it wasn't.

They went back to silence for a few moments, nothing but the sound of the clippers and Techno moving Wilbur's head when needed to make his hair look better.

"Do you ever think about him?" Wilbur asked softly and Techno paused for a moment.

"Tommy?" Techno confirmed.

"Yeah." Wilbur said softly and he heard Techno inhale deeply.

"Yeah I do. I miss him, wish that we could have done things better." Techno admits and Wilbur hums.

"I think about him too much, like what things would be like now. He would have been 19 today." Wilbur reminds him and Techno nods.

"I know. Dad wanted us to meet today because of that." Techno explains and Wilbur hums, not wanting to nod. He still remembers the email he got from his father, since he didn't know Wilbur's new number.

"Could we have done more?" Wilbur asks softly and Techno pulls away the clippers so he could look in his brother's eyes without messing up his hair cut.

"No Wilbur, and you need to stop blaming yourself okay? What's happened, happened. It's important that we try to better for us and those around us from now on." Techno tells him and Wilbur does nod, trying to ignore the tears in his eyes. "Come here." Techno says putting down the clippers. Techno hugged Wilbur tightly and Wilbur let out a small sob, he missed this.

"I miss him." Wilbur sobs.

"I know. He would have wanted to be happy though."