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A bite of heaven

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Stupid Sammy 

Stupid Sammy and his stupid hair and his stupid salad and his stupid ‘ yay gotta be healthy!’ blah blahs 

 

If it weren’t for stupid Sammy, Dean wouldn’t be sitting alone in a diner. 

Who even sits alone in a diner anyways?

 

( you did. Summer of 2002. Sam did not come home. Dad had gone on a hunt. He had been going on hunts, burning himself out after Sam left. 

 

Dean wanted to feel bad for him, he really wanted to. All he felt was nothing but he thought, “ good. “ and it frightened him.

but There was… there was some consolation in the fact that Dad was so upset.

 

Dad hurts because he still loves Sam.

He doesn’t hate Sam.

 

It’s not hate. It’s a love that hurts. 

Sometimes that’s worse.

 

Dean wouldn’t allow John to hate sam, and he didn't. 

He did well.

 

Didn’t he?)

 

Dean blinked. There was a menu laid down in front of him.  He looked around and the waitress had gone away already. Was he so out of it he didn’t notice her come by? 

 

Admittedly, he’d been out of it since.. huh. It’s not like it was triggered by something. This thing. Nothing new happened. 

He hunts and eats and sleeps. Then suddenly he started feeling that he wants to get out of bed less and less, he can’t tolerate Jack’s voice. It's too high pitched but he clenches his fist and shuts up because he already hurt the kid too much. At night it was harder to go to sleep, so he would go and fix up the Impala and pace around, check up the warding and everything. 

 

Cas kept telling him they don’t need to, it's safer now, and kept offering to put Dean to sleep. 

 

That was… to be honest? It was tempting. 

He wanted to let Cas put him to sleep, but he doesn’t think “ I want to sleep and never wake up” would translate well.

 

It’s not as if he’s chasing death. He wouldn’t kill himself, nothing's wrong. they defeated Chuck and they’re okay and everything it’s just.

 

He’s just tired. 

 

It just registered to him that he had been running his whole life, not running away ( really ? ) but just running, and without a drive to a destination to occupy his thoughts he can’t help but think about the why.

 

And how much more? 

 

Yet… laying in bed, waiting for sleep. He didn’t feel sleep by the door, it was death instead. Death, different from the ones he met, was on the footstep, but he didn’t knock.

 

Dean did not invite him in. 

He shivered through the night.

 

“ sir? What would you like to order? “ 

 

Dean jumped in his seat but quickly laughed it off. He scratched the back of his hair, now growing long enough to curl around his finger, the waitress was not impressed by him, she cringed. 

He’s getting old.

 

He quickly skimmed the menu and nonchalantly ordered a burger. She promised it’ll be right up and left. Dean melted into his seat, feeling his bones crack.

 

God, he’s old. 

No wonder he’s so tired.  

 

You wouldn’t send an old man to have dinner alone

He remembers 2002 again, he had truly believed that if he grew old, he’d have dinner alone, yet he also believed he’d never grow old.

 

Maybe that’s why he’s so lost now. He never thought he’d live this long. Let alone dream of it. Now he’s here and he’s old and he’s… not alone not really. 

 

Sam had seen something in him, Dean’s not sure why but he had one look at him and demanded he’d do this. Thing.

 

“ Jesus, Dean, you need to look at yourself for once. You need to see that you’re a you. A person.” Sam had nearly shouted.

 

He was thankful for Jack’s “ but Dean isn’t Jesus “ followed by Cas’ explanation of how daunting human talk is.

 

Also what with all the “ you need to look at yourself for once” ?! Of course, he’s a person who makes sure of it every morning by slicing his arm with a demon blade and an Angel blade, throwing holy water on his face, bathing in borax and so and so. 

 

Well, whatever. 

He went to the stupid restaurant.

He ordered the stupid burger and he’s going to eat it like a champ like he always does.

 

( do you? Do you remember 2002?

Of course, he remembers the diner night. 

Every summer Dean and Sam go out to have burgers. 

 

They would even save up and all and make sure to never oppose their dad. 

 

Sam left.

 

Dean felt so sick he couldn’t even take a bite. He vomited on the side of the road and it hurt so bad because his stomach was so empty.

 

Sam left and Dean never recovered. Sam is here now, beside him, and Dean still feels like he lost him and he never got him back.

 

He’s not sure who’s the ghost, which of the Winchester brothers, which of the ghost hunters is a ghost? Is the irony that they both are? 

 

Yet. 

 

Dean would never blame Sam for it. He’s never hated him he’d never… that’s his brother. He washed his stupid butt and sew his clothes and brushed his hair and stood by. 

 

He stood by.

 

John was angry and Sam was whining and Dean knows how annoying that whining can get.

 

There were four fat red lines on Sam’s forearm that night. Dean cried for the first time in a while but lost his voice. He couldn’t talk. He couldn’t say sorry. 

 

Sorry I stood by.

Sorry, I’m so sorry.

I’m so sorry.

My legs. 

My legs froze. 

They wouldn’t move, they wouldn’t budge. 

They still wouldn’t move and wouldn’t budge. 

They never will.

 

Sammy should hate him. 

Sammy should hate him and yet… 

The next day like nothing happened the kid climbed into Dean’s back asking him to play heroes and mermaids and smiling so widely and Dean hated it.

He wanted Sam to hate him. 

He didn’t deserve that smile or that love. 

He didn’t deserve Sammy’s chubby fists holding his own calloused hands as they spun around the living room. 

 

Later on, John took Dean aside and cried. 

“ you know I love you and I love Sam “ 

Of course. Dean thought. He knows dad loves them; he says it every time , even when there is a red handprint on Dean’s back. He always says he loves them. How dare Dean disbelieve that.

 

Dean couldn’t find the voice to soothe his dad. He listened but he never looked up.

 

He wonders what the color of dad’s eyes is? Did he ever look into his eyes? 

 

Dad had told him that it makes him sad, how much Sammy clings to Dean, he’s sad about Sammy’s love for dean.

 

Dad sobbed into his palms with Dean patting his back as he said,” why wouldn’t he love me? Why would he love you?” 

 

But Sammy loves dad, the same way Dean loves dad. It’s just… dad isn’t a bad father he does the work and he’s tired and he buys them food and clothes and what else could Dean ask for? 

 

And…

 

And Dean made dad cry. He made dad sad. With all that he had been doing for them and Dean had the audacity to make him sad? And even expect to get a thank you and an “ I’m proud of you” ?

 

So Dean backed off. Just a little. It was one day in and John had broken five bottles and smashed the window. 

 

But Dad kept saying it, now and then, “ why does he love you and he doesn’t love me? I’m his dad dean “ 

 

I’m your son too.

I’m your son and you’re spilling into me. 

Don’t spill into me.

I love you but don’t spill into me.

I don’t want to be you.

I don’t hate you 

But I don’t want to be you)

 

The waitress was right and the burger arrived right on time. 

Dean‘s hands were limp beside him. He felt like he ran a marathon and he hadn’t finished yet. 

He sorta gets it. What Sam’s trying to do. 

 

Yet… he needs to eat it right? The burger? It’s the same one. From so long ago. 

 

And on the opposite side, there sits a scrawny kid with freckles dotted on his nose. He’s so skinny his collar bones poke out. He’s wearing a jacket, his brother’s but it’s too big. 

 

How can your little brother outgrow you? 

It makes you proud, doesn’t it? That despite it all he grew so big and strong. 

 

Dean lifted the burger and. He was hungry but he felt sick. One bite would drown him. The burger would eat him before he eats it. There are no distractions.

 

He needs to deal with feeding himself. 

 

Yet… he looks to the other side. To the other chair. The person he asked for dinner. the little scrawny kid

 

kid. 

Did you know? 

 

You get to grow, can you believe that? 

You grow so big too you’ll have a tummy n all 

You’ll heart will break and heal

Your brother will come back I promise and you’ll hug 

You’ll get all the hugs 

You’ll get a family so big it won’t fit into the Impala.

Wait did you know? 

You get a house. Yes your own 

It’s dangerous n all but 

It’s home

With a bed and you decorate it.

You watch so many movies.

 

Kid, did you know? 

 

You get to grow. 

You grow so old your bones crack.

Heh, even your little brother gets old. 

 

Kid. 

This is for you. 

 

Dean takes a bite. It’s hard to swallow and it’s too big but, it’s the first of many to come