While Tony pulled up his jeans and buttoned them, wincing at the feeling of come dribbling down the back of his thighs and soaking into his boxers, the thought flashed through his mind. This is wrong. Good, but wrong. It shouldn’t be like this. The chill of the basement air on the bared part of his back made him shiver, or was it the distance that was, as always, between them immediately after? Pulling down his shirt to cover his cooling skin, he refused to turn around. Without another glance back to the other man, Tony walked up the stairs and out of the house, leaving what they had just done behind, to be ignored as always.
Gibbs stared after Tony as the younger man left, letting a deep sigh escape only when he heard his front door close, signaling Tony’s departure. While his body was sated, Gibbs’ mind was dissatisfied. These little encounters of theirs may have been at least physically satisfying in the beginning, but now they always left a hollow, empty feeling in his gut. He wanted – no, needed – more, but wasn’t sure how to get it, almost afraid to try, unsure of how Tony would react, and unwilling to lose this even if it did leave him hurting more and more for the beautiful younger man he loved with all his heart.
It had started quite some years ago, after Gibbs’ return from Mexico. Gibbs couldn’t really remember how it happened, he just recalled that they had been in the basement and suddenly he was buried balls deep in Tony, the younger man panting beneath him, bent over the workbench and giving orders for more and harder, which Gibbs was all too happy to comply with, anything Tony wanted, always anything for Tony. Afterwards, when their breathing had calmed and their clothes restored to order, Gibbs had poured them both a few fingers of bourbon. They drank in silence and then Tony had left, no words spoken between them. The following day Gibbs had watched Tony closely, but the younger man had pretended nothing had happened and just carried on as usual. Gibbs figured it had been a one-time thing, and tried to let it go.
Every time Tony had shown up in his basement since then, the younger man had been full of talk, bouncing his thoughts off of Gibbs. Until one day he showed up and sat quietly on the basement stairs, watching Gibbs work, not a word falling from his lips, and Gibbs had wondered what was different. As the evening progressed Gibbs’ gut was churning, getting a feeling about what was going to happen, and trying to decide for himself whether he would do it or not. But when at last Tony moved and sank down to his knees in front of Gibbs, quickly opening Gibbs’ trousers and sucking him into his mouth, Gibbs knew there was no choice in the matter. Whatever Tony wanted, Gibbs would provide. So when after a few minutes of Tony’s mouth on his dick, the younger man got up and dropped his own pants, then bent over with his back to Gibbs, the older man quickly prepared him and slid home. And that was how it went on these occasions. It was always hard and fast, and always Tony on his knees or bent over, and afterwards Tony would always draw up his trousers and leave without a word.
It only happened every couple of months, and Gibbs had not been able to discover what the trigger was, even though now he could always see it coming. Tony would start getting restless, nervous almost, until he was acting up and acting out and generally spinning out of control. He knew asking Tony was out of the question, and no matter how closely he observed the younger man, Gibbs simply didn’t know why. He thought about stopping this, refusing Tony the next time he showed up in this mood, but as soon as he thought it, Gibbs knew he wouldn’t be able to. He would always give Tony what the younger man thought he apparently needed, at any cost to himself, even if it left him feeling disconsolate more and more these days.
Tony drove home and crawled into bed immediately upon his arrival, as usual leaving the clean up for the following morning, wanting to keep the feel of Gibbs’ presence inside of him a little longer. He curled into a ball under his duvet and shuddered, disgusted with himself for using Gibbs like this. He knew it was no use vowing to himself that this had been the last time, that he wouldn’t do it again. He’d promised himself that before, but every time he succumbed to the need again and gave in. This time it had been a call from Senior a couple of days ago that had unsettled him, and the nervous energy had been building inside of him for days, until finally it had become an itch that simply had to be scratched. He’d gone over to Gibbs’ place fully intent on just talking to the man, but as soon as he arrived and settled on the basement stairs, he’d felt his throat close up and words simply refused to leave his mouth. Gibbs had given him a look and Tony had seen that Gibbs knew how this evening would end. Gibbs had looked sad and worried, disquieted even, but ultimately resigned. And that had made Tony want to rage and howl, knowing that Gibbs would do this for him despite his reluctance.
The first time it had happened had been an accident. Tony had always had these episodes of depression and dejection, and in his younger years had battled them with long exhausting runs that tired his body until he couldn’t move anymore and his body took his mind into oblivion. But that hadn’t worked for years now, and he’d had to find another outlet. He had had a few encounters with nameless strangers, and found that a good hard fuck worked better to settle him than those runs had in his early days. But he didn’t like the danger of faceless one night stands with men strong enough to take him like that, and the next time his need tried to overwhelm him, he sought the only refuge he knew of that could calm him down: Gibbs’ basement.
He’d sat in silence, not looking at Gibbs, not talking or responding the few times Gibbs tried to ask him what was going on, and while he had felt calmer as soon as he’d arrived, the need overpowered him suddenly and he’d started pacing the basement. Gibbs let him for a few minutes, eyeing him in concern, then stepped in his way and stopped him moving. Tony was almost desperate by then, and had simply blindly reached for Gibbs, rubbing the man through his pants, not lucid enough to wonder why Gibbs was even responding to him instead of stopping him, and when Gibbs was hard, Tony had dropped his own pants and presented himself to Gibbs. The older man had remained motionless for long moments, Tony’s desperation mounting, until at last he felt Gibbs move in and touch him. Gibbs tried to be gentle at first, but Tony pushed him into what he needed. After, Gibbs had poured them bourbon and Tony had almost choked on it but forced himself to drink it down, expelling it from his stomach as soon as he arrived home. He’d curled up on the bathroom floor, disgusted with himself, but feeling better nonetheless. He hadn’t dared look at Gibbs in the days that followed, and had been relieved when Gibbs had not treated him any differently afterwards. The first time he showed up in the basement after it had happened, his heart had been pounding in worry, but Gibbs had simply been his stoic self and accepted his company and babbling as he had before.
Still shivering, Tony forced himself to stop thinking about it, to settle into the calm that was the whole purpose of these evenings, but the thought he’d had tonight kept the calm just out of his reach. This is wrong, and it shouldn’t be like this. So what should it be like? He thought about why he needed this, and why it was Gibbs who was able to settle him whenever he derailed, and why Gibbs would do this for Tony even though Tony could see that Gibbs knew it was wrong. Why, why, why? Why couldn't he control himself, be like other people who always seemed so steady and seemed to know how to handle things? Why couldn't he have the one who stopped him before he got to this point, who saw that he was getting unsettled and reined him in? Why couldn't he find someone who thought he was worth their time and attention? He shivered again, eyes closed, and fell asleep in desperation.
The following days, Gibbs saw that Tony was still on edge, that he had not calmed down the way he usually did after one of their encounters, and as the days stretched into weeks, Tony was getting more and more out of it again. Gibbs had been thinking about it ever since that day, and had already decided that he was hurting Tony more than helping him, and seeing now that apparently this last time hadn't helped Tony at all, he resolved to step in and end this. That Friday night, he went to Tony's apartment.
Tony was surprised by the knock at his door, and even more so when he saw it was Gibbs. Opening the door to let his boss in, he raised a questioning eyebrow, but Gibbs ignored him and steamed ahead to the kitchen, grabbing a beer for himself, and then settled on the couch, Tony following him curiously. When Gibbs just took a sip and then leaned back and closed his eyes, Tony picked up his own beer and sat down, waiting. When Gibbs at last spoke, Tony shuddered. He should have known this was coming.
"We're gonna talk about this now."
Peering at Tony from under his nearly closed eyelids, Gibbs registered the shudder and then saw Tony slump into himself. His heart ached for Tony, but he knew he couldn't let this go on any longer. Taking another sip, Gibbs spoke again.
"What's going on with you?"
Tony kept his eyes to the ground and his mouth closed. In the end, he merely shrugged his shoulders. He didn't know, he just didn't know.
"It's not about work."
A tiny shake of head.
"You've been searching for something."
Again a shrug.
"You think you'll never find it."
A hard truth that nearly winded Tony, and he curled into himself a little more.
"You're aching for something, but you can't say what."
A tiny nod.
"What we do, it used to help. But not this time."
Another tiny nod.
"You just don't know what you need. Or do you?"
Then Tony looked up, pain and anguish clear in his eyes.
Sucking in a breath, Gibbs felt his heart break for Tony and his resolve crumbled. He wasn't getting Tony to talk in this state, and he couldn't face the pain in the younger man's eyes. Sitting up and setting down his beer, Gibbs brushed his hand through Tony's hair, seeing him shiver under his touch, Tony's pleading eyes still focused on him. With a tiny nod, Gibbs spoke.
With a sigh of relief, Tony put down his own beer and stood, reaching for his fly to open and drop his jeans, only to be stopped by Gibbs' hand on his, Gibbs standing too, his other hand on Tony's neck.
"No, Tony. We do this, it'll be my way this time, okay?"
Desperate to get what he needed, to have Gibbs take him out of his body and give him at least a few moments of peace, Tony nodded once. Gibbs shook his head and gave Tony's neck a little squeeze with his hand.
"I need you to say it. My way, okay?"
Another moment's silence, then a quiet reply.
Knowing that was all he was going to get, Gibbs gave a small sigh, then brought both hands up to cup Tony's cheeks, rubbing a thumb over Tony's bottom lip. Staring at each other while Gibbs moved his thumb, Gibbs saw a tiny shiver run through Tony's body again. When Gibbs at last leaned in and softly started kissing Tony's lips, he saw the younger man's eyes fall closed, and then closed his own as well. Tony tried to deepen the kiss immediately, but Gibbs wouldn't let him. Tony tried again, but Gibbs pulled back a little and started nibbling along Tony's jaw. Tony tried to pull Gibbs closer, tried to open Gibbs' pants, but Gibbs stepped away, only allowing the soft contact of their lips and Gibbs' hands on Tony's cheeks. Tony's mind was screaming "No, no, no! This is not what I need!", but he couldn't ignore Gibbs' touch, couldn't pull away.
Tony had no idea how long they stood there like that, but he was slowly calming under Gibbs' patient nibbling. When Gibbs finally returned his lips to Tony's, Tony resisted the urge to try to get more, not wanting Gibbs to step away again. He did tentatively reach out his own hands to place them lightly on Gibbs' hips, not pulling, just touching. Gibbs registered Tony's restraint, and rewarded him by finally opening his mouth and letting Tony's tongue dart in for a moment before taking back control and gently invading Tony's mouth, playing their tongues together, and stepping a little closer to Tony so their bodies finally touched. Tony barely noticed that Gibbs started moving them across the room to the bedroom, almost as if they were dancing, and was surprised to find them standing next to his bed when Gibbs at last released him.
Before Tony could move or say anything, Gibbs leaned in again and resumed the kissing, his hands now slowly undressing Tony, opening the buttons on his shirt one by one and slowly sliding the shirt down his arms. Caressing Tony's chest through his t-shirt, Gibbs moved his lips to Tony's neck and throat to start nibbling there, and Tony stood transfixed under the gentle attention, letting Gibbs explore him. He couldn't remember when or how he was divested of his remaining clothes, he only managed to zone in again when he was sitting naked on the edge of his bed, Gibbs equally naked on his knees in front of him, between Tony's spread thighs. When Gibbs softly pushed against his chest to get him to lie back on the bed, Tony realized he missed the touch of those lips on his, but was placated when those same lips started roaming over his throat and chest. Tony softly put his hands on Gibbs' shoulders, stroking gently, keeping his movements careful and light, not wanting Gibbs to pull back again. His soft touch was again rewarded, this time with a gentle and playful bite to his right nipple, which had Tony hissing in pleasure and arching up his hips.
Gibbs played his mouth and tongue and fingers over every inch of Tony's body, setting all his nerves on fire, turning him over onto his stomach at some point and roaming over his back and ass and legs, then turning him again and nibbling his way back up Tony's front. When Gibbs reached Tony's dick and, after a long time of licking and nibbling, took it into his mouth, Tony's passion flared and his mind screamed and his hand found his way into Gibbs' hair, trying to push him down. At the almost forceful touch, Gibbs immediately pulled back again, and started kissing back up Tony's chest, Tony whimpering in desperation. Gibbs stretched out on top of Tony, hands in Tony's hair, lips pressed together again, until Tony was dazed and sedate and calm again. Only then did Gibbs slide back down again, and this time when those lips reached Tony's arousal, the younger man knew better than to force anything, instead keeping his touch on Gibbs' head and shoulders light, and again being rewarded by an increased intensity of that hot mouth on his dick. Lost in pleasure, Tony barely noticed the slicked fingers between his cheeks, pressing in gently and preparing him. Tony's moans overrode the sounds Gibbs was making, and when Gibbs' clever fingers found his prostate, Tony panted and begged.
At last Gibbs felt his lover was ready, and he slowly made his way up Tony's body again, settling himself between Tony's legs, drawing them up around his hips, playfully thrusting against Tony's ass a few times before finally sliding in with slow, shallow thrusts. Tony panted in excitement, his hands on Gibbs' back and shoulders, keeping his touch intentionally light. Gibbs leaned over Tony, kissing his lips, resting his weight on his elbows. Tony moved his hips up to get Gibbs to move, but instead, Gibbs' spoke.
"Look at me, Tony."
Keeping his eyes closed, Tony shook his head.
"Look at me, Anthony."
Squeezing his eyes tighter shut, Tony again shook his head.
"Look at me, my beautiful boy."
That made Tony's eyes fly open, and they locked on Gibbs' intent gaze.
"There you are."
Gibbs smiled down at his lover with a tender smile, playing his fingers through Tony's hair softly, still not moving. Tony stared up at him, eyes wide.
"What are you looking for?"
Tony felt his chest tighten a little, sucking in a deep breath, but keeping quiet.
"What do you really want?"
Tony felt trapped, Gibbs' arms at the side of his head, Gibbs' chest pressing on his, Gibbs' dick buried inside of him. He couldn't handle this, this wasn't fair. Gibbs couldn't do this to him!
"What do you really need, my beautiful boy?"
That normally icy blue stare was searing hot now and seeing everything, ripping through all Tony's masks, leaving him nothing to hide behind. He tried to look away, but was trapped in that gaze, and one by one Tony felt his defenses crumble, every layer of deception and misdirection fall away, until he couldn't lie anymore, not to himself and not to this man. A single tear slowly rolled from the corner of his eye and into his hair, where Gibbs' fingers caught it and gently brushed it away. Tony took a shuddering breath.
As if those were the magic words, Gibbs started moving his hips, slowly and deeply, his lips catching Tony's again, but their eyes remaining open and fixed on each other. Gibbs maintained that gentle penetrating pace for a very long time, until suddenly the release that had been building slowly all that time exploded through them both. Resting their foreheads together, slowly kissing, they let themselves calm down, and then Gibbs looked down at his lover again, Tony's eyes shiny with vulnerability. Another kiss.
"You have me, my beautiful boy. You've always had me."
This time when Tony rather forcefully pulled Gibbs down for another kiss, Gibbs didn't pull back.