"Should we break up?" I asked, I felt his grip got tighter.
"Wh- what do you mean break up?" He faced me with his confused eyes, trying to read what I really meant.
"Why don't we just end this? Us? You know I don't like forcing myself on other people. That would just make me more upset." I released my hand off from his grip and he just let me.
This is it, I guess? The day that we won't hold unto each other any longer.
I already felt that things are changing months before. He still does everything the same. He treats me the same, talks the same. He's still there on every important occassion of my life, and I do the same.
The things that has changed is the way he smiles at me, and the way he holds my hands. The warmth, the adoration, longing and care I felt before has been long gone.
He faced his feet without saying anything, which confirms my thoughts. I turned my face away when I felt his hands on my wrist.
"I'm sorry, baby." He let out my most hated words.
His apologies and the endearment he uses for me which I hated cause it makes me act like one in front of him.
As soon as I realised what he said, the tears that are pooling from my eyes started to fall down. Yep. This is it.
He looked up when he saw that I tried to wipe my tears off from my face. He looked upset and mad but he didn't do anything.
"I'm really sorry, babe. I tried to fix things but I just-"
"I understand. You don't need to explain yourself. This is how life is, right?"
"No. No- I'm sorry. You don't need to understand. You need to hate me. Please. I broke my promise, you need to nag and blame me for hurting you like this - oh my God, i'm so sorry." He hugged me ever so tightly after seeing my face, as if he's holding his whole world in his arms, but still, the warmth that I love from his hugs are not here anymore.
It felt like he tried to compensate for his now gone feelings with the tightness of his hugs. The more he feels away from me, the tighter the hug that he gives.
I couldn't stop my tears and the trembling of my lips anymore, I bet my face is already swollen by now which might have been the reason why he reacted like this.
"Baby, I am so sorry. It's not your fault, okay? It's all mine. We don't need to break up. I just need some time. Give me some time and I'll try to fix myself, huh?" He faced me and wiped the tears that just won't stop from falling.
I can feel that even my lips are already swollen by now. The rain outside just made everything more dramatic. I felt colder because of the breeze that got inside the car.
"No. It's not your fault. I know it's not mine either. You don't need to fix yourself for God knows that you are not broken. Yeah? This is just how it is, right? This is just how it is." I can hear my own voice trembling, both from the cold and exhaustion.
I see myself from the reflection of the car window, and I am not surprised with how I look.
Eyes and lips swollen, my whole face is red, but thankfully, I am not the only one on the same state. M's face is as messy as mine, but I don't know, for some reason I don't care about anything anymore.
"Baby, look at me. Hm, look at me. Please, just hate me, hmm? It's all my fault. I am so sorry. Don- don't think, please. Just, don't, will you? Look at me." Our eyes met, but I couldn't really see anything clear now. My eyesight is still blurry due to my own tears that just won't stop.
"No. We both know that I can't hate you. It's not your fault that all your feelings for me are now gone — No, I am confident that it has been long gone, and the times that you held my hand so tight were those times that you tried to fix things by yourself. You fought enough, and I appreciate that. How could you ask me to hate the very reason that I feel like a human now?
I can't hate you, you know that. And I don't need to hate or blame you to break things off. Just, please. Let's stop this but please, don't ask me to hate you or to stop loving you cause you are my reason for feeling emotions like a normal person."
"And I thank you for that. You can stop holding my hand now, I can love you on my own. You don't need to love me, anyway. I mean, you don't love me anymore so that's much easier right?"
"I'm sorry." M hugged me again, I already felt suffocated with his hugs.
"I should be thankful that you proved me right, right? That no ones gonna love me the way I love others, that I might have just been born to give and not receive, and to be fucking honest, I am very much aware of that and that's totally fine."
I guess I am just gonna go back to my old cold self but with another hole in my heart.
"No. You're wrong. You are worth loving. It's all my fault. Mourn, or grieve. Please. I tell you, it's alright to be sad, mad or upset."
"No. I am not sad nor upset." I answered sternly, whilst being unsure who was I trying to convince with my voice.
"You are, and that's okay." He caressed my cheeks so softly, which made me almost throw up.
"I am not. Who are you to decide what I feel?"
Right. This is who I really am.