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teyvets’ drug cartel

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monday 2:29am

venti created a group “ one hot mf and twenty other users ig ”

venti added 20 contacts


venti: would you guys be there for me if i was going through something?


diluc: no, absolutely not.


aether: ofc not lmao


lumine: i hope it emotionally scars u for the rest of ur life <3


aether: you**, your**


lumine: and this is why im the better twin:


jean: >replying to venti 

            i would, if you weren’t texting at this hour smh


kaeya: guys don’t let venti’s question distract you from the fact that im that one hot mf in the group title 


childe: i think you meant me** aha 


kaeya: wouldn’t that just be me again 🤨


lumine: braincells flew out of the window


aether: what your attention should really be brought to is the fact that venti spelled 20 out


childe: #cancelventi


venti: you talk big for someone who stinks like the massive, most scrumptious dumpy i took jn


childe: tmi 😟


kaeya: >replying to venti



mona: screenshotting and saving this under my blackmail folder 


lumine: can’t say i didn't expect any less from kaeya


aether: >replying to mona

              how much would it cost to buy your entire collection?


mona: 6 figures


aether: deal.


diluc: aether i’ll sponsor you 


kaeya: brother… how could you do this to me </3


xiao: its 2 in the morning everyone stfu especially you venti


venti: bbbut i didn't even say anything


rosaria: your presence alone already radiates enough degenerate aura i can smell your stinky unwashed ass all the way from the girls dorm


lumine: ^


aether: ^


diluc: ^


xiao: ^


mona: ^


childe: ^


kaeya: ^


lumine: bbbut shut yo bitchass up lmfao 


mona: can we all just agree that venti slander is the best slander


childe: another day another slay


aether: you ain't got no input in this 


aether: you’re another one of those stinky mfs 😐


jean: guys go to sleep we have a test tomorrow 


kaeya: i’ll copy off you tyvm 🙏


rosaria: yall he doesn’t know that we will be changing seats tmrw 


diluc: you’re sitting next to venti good luck


diluc: actually no i hope you fail miserably 


venti: i feel like i'm being indirectly attacked rn


jean: for the love of god, go to sleep 


kaeya: yes ma’am 


monday 8:01am

venti: g’morning to all you whores! 


hu tao: hey mamas


jean: @everyone today we’ll be having a test at approximately 9:15 in the morning! you have more than an hour to do some extra revision so make use of your time wisely


childe: we’re fucked


xiao: you’re speaking only for yourself here


aether: >replying to childe 



kaeya: @childe i got the answer sheets dw brotha


venti: so we all in this tgth 🙏


diluc: whatever they’re up to, it isn’t good


diluc: they should be stopped immediately


lumine: nono i want to see how this plays out 


aether: it’d probably end incredibly well with them acing the test or some pipe in the bathroom exploding 


aether: either ways both are things i would pay to see happen


hu tao: english is a difficult subject. it can be understood through tough thorough thought though 


kaeya: say it 5 times quickly


venti: tru tuff toro tot tho


albedo: im gonna shove hydrogen cyanide down your throat if you don't stfu 😐


kaeya: in a kinky way orrrr


diluc: someone call pest control please


lumine: kaeya does not deserve any human rights 😨


aether: we been knew


rosaria: kaeya i will uppercut punch you, dropkick you, and then proceed to decapitate you 


keqing: i was away for a few hours and already so much has happened but one thing that we can all collectively agree on is that kaeya is absolutely revolting 


beidou: i second that


venti: not trying to brag or anything but i can wake up without an alarm clock because of my crippling and overwhelming anxiety 


xiao: venti i hate you with every inch of my body.


childe: that's not alot of inches tho


mona: childe, i'm saying this so that the expensive carpet wouldn’t be full of blood stains again, run as fast as you can.


aether: again? ayo???


keqing: apparently someone died in our class before 




hu tao: rip bozo 🤣🙏‼️


venti: a fellow comrade has fallen 


venti: let us give a moment of silence to commemorate them


hu tao: brb guys im getting my oak wood coffin ready for childe tartaglia 


lumine: update, zhongli interfered 


lumine: 3 people had to hold xiao back 💀


aether: xiao pummeled childe tartaglia to the floor


aether: it was a one sided beating 


hu tao: did anyone get that shit on camera?


mona: i did


hu tao: sweet. don't forget to upload it to a hard drive


aether: another addition to your blackmail material ig


childe: hey guys


diluc: >replying to childe

           you got your face chewed off by a 5 feet tall gremlin 


diluc: weak as hell


kaeya: dude u good? 


childe: well apart from a couple of broken bones and severe psychological distress i’d say i’m doing great 


childe: my hair isn’t messed up anyways so im good to go


lumine: trying to impress a certain dark haired tall guy with amber eyes huh


hu tao: damn i wonder who it’d be


hu tao: does he work as my assistant or not idk


aether: childe tartaglia you aint lowkey in the least bit


aether: we all know who you’re trying to impress 


kaeya: lmao he went offline


zhongli: Good morning everyone. The test will be starting shortly, so please keep away any mobile devices or notes,etc. Goodluck on the test.


venti: damn it's already 9 that was fast


jean: venti get off your fucking phone and start preparing 


kaeya: yoo jean snapped



monday 9:35am

venti: math section a q6


kaeya: 2


aether: q18


kaeya: 4


kaeya: thats 100 mora


childe: wb q9&12


kaeya: 1,2


childe: >replying to kaeya

             put it under my tab


venti: ily no homo tho


hu tao: gay gay homosexual gay


mona: wait a sec aren’t we having a test rn


keqing: yeah how are yall on this 


lumine: ^ both of you are one to talk 


mona: im using my old nokia lmfao


aether: ew zhongli kinnie 


childe: not anymoreee 


childe: im getting zhongli a new phone after this


venti: im not gay he says


kaeya: any other questions? my income comes directly from this


aether: q31 pls


kaeya: 3


venti: this is psychological torture 


lumine: i saw cogwheels turning in ur brain trying to figure out how to spell psychological 


venti: cry about it lmfao



monday 12:05pm

hu tao created a group “ homiesexual ”

hu tao added 11 contacts


xingqiu: im not saying im obsessed but if chongyun told me to jump off a cliff i’d cartwheel towards the edge and do a backflip 


hu tao: he read that


xiangling: what do you have to say about this @chongyun


chongyun: >replying to xingqiu

                   i would jump off a cliff for you too as a friend ofc


yanfei: 💀


hu tao: f 


bennett: dont worry xingqiu you still have a chance lol


fischl: my fellow companions, thou has been graced with my transcendent presence! i see a dear acquaintance in a state of unease.. fret not, for i, fischl shall spare you of your worries


xinyan: what 


hu tao: chuuni syndrome lmao


fischl: such insolence! what you have just said was the most insulting thing that has ever fallen upon my auricle


fischl: actually forget it fuck you


xingqiu: you know its getting serious when fischl drops her sophisticated style of speech 


xiangling: yanfei should know she talks in intellectual 


yanfei: i’ll doxx u stfu


xiangling: it was a compliment tho???


xingqiu: feeling cute might commit arson later


hu tao: caught in 4k 📸 


chongyun: didn’t you burn down the western wing last week 🤨


hu tao: i don't stoop so low tf


hu tao: is this what you think of me? #beetrayel


barbara: bitch i got it on camera 


yanfei: would be a shame if i… hacked into barbara's software system and broadcast the video to the entire school


xinyan: please do


bennett: i stand by xinyan


xingqiu: wrongdoers should be prosecuted 🙏‼️


hu tao: i hate all of you i'm going to blast 100 gecs at 3am


xinyan: a banger tho


hu tao: yall is it just me or is our science human body model smirking at me


xingqiu: nah hu tao its just your sleep deprivation in action


hu tao: if you dont stop i’ll make your penis into penwas 


xiangling: banger tweet???


babara: everything hu tao says is iconic fr


chongyun: guys keep your phones i can hear mdm ping approaching


xinyan: you’re right omg bye everyone


xingqiu: bye xinyan bye hu tao bye bennett bye babara bye chongyun bye yanfei bye xiangling bye fischl bye chongyun 


yanfei: you said bye chongyun twice 


xingqiu: its chongyun appreciation day

Chapter Text

tuesday 10:12am

one hot mf and twenty other users ig


venti: i barely passed. 


hu tao: lol


venti: the disrespect


venti: wait a second


venti: arent you a junior 🤨


childe: ???


beidou: how did you get in tf


mona: thats why i’ve been saying the more casual you act the more likely you’ll get away with something 


xiao: you speak as if from experience 


kaeya: sus 


beidou: >replying to hu tao

               teach me your ways master


hu tao: “ let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt ”

 - sun tzu


aether: write that down write that down


lumine: *writes furiously*


beidou: centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. any arguments? 


venti: *raises hand cutely*


diluc: please refrain from talking in this way 


ningguang: the block button is edging me rn


beidou: ayo the goddess spoke everyone kneel


childe: fucking lesbians smh


mona: stfu you sad excuse of a human being


mona: the other day i got a little too close to childe tartaglia and all i can say is that he smells like doritos and grease


childe: shut


lumine: yall we are digressing from the original topic


lumine: i would like to have a full on debate on why i think centaurs are insects


diluc: my mental health declines with each interaction in this god forsaken chat.


ningguang: fr i’ve witnessed a lot of dumb shit and its a miracle im still sane


mona: i’ve recorded a lot of dumb shit


venti: i’ve joined in on the dumb shit 


venti: hashtag the swag never stops


hu tao: i’ve started dumb shit


venti: 4lyfers 


rosaria: rodents.


jean: i can’t


jean: im leaving zhongli to handle this


keqing: @zhongli


keqing: notice how ganyu is minimizing as much involvement as possible with all you ugly mfs 


ganyu: >replying to keqing

            fr im finna be contaminated with dookie marks the longer i stay here 


aether: ouch 


ganyu: dw this is targeted towards a certain ginger 


hu tao: tarta(gag)lia 


childe: i hate you 


hu tao: ilyt no hetero tho


zhongli: Hello everyone.


childe: hey zhongli! 


kaeya: homie replied in less than a second 💀


aether: simple man but without the le


lumine: simp man 🤨⁉️


zhongli: What is a simp man?


mona: it’s a synonym for childe tartaglia


zhongli: Oh so I can start calling Childe simp man from now on? 


keqing: yes i think he would really appreciate it


ganyu: mhm 


venti: yall stop confusing this poor old man 


zhongli: Venti, please do not bring my financial status into this.


xiao: lmao


aether: i think im tripping


aether: did xiao just laugh???


beidou: this is a legendary moment 


mona: i screenshotted so much my phone powered off


venti: xiao laughing caught on camera not clickbait ?1!1?!1?!


xiao: perish.


hu tao: zhongli someone said you really liked it


aether: hu tao (derogatory)


xiao: zhongli don’t.


zhongli: Huh? Liked what? 


venti: we were too late to save old man 😞




hu tao: gottem


zhongli: Hu tao.


hu tao: shit


kaeya: in which hanako rip off gets mauled to death by an old gramps


beidou: i just witnessed a slaughter 😨


ningguang: we might need a new coffin supplier 


beidou: hey babe 


ningguang: <3


beidou: are we about to kiss rn


lumine: everyone close your eyes 




tuesday 4:39pm



xiangling: well well well if it isn’t my old friend: the dawning realization that i fucked up big time


barbara: pray tell


chongyun: im betting 1000 mora it has something to do with food


hu tao: ding ding you’re correct 


xiangling: i haven't even said anything yet tf


xingqiu: we know you well enough, you stinker <3


xiangling: well so the other day i had the brilliant idea mixing mayo and pickles 


xinyan: “ brilliant ”


barbara: brilliantly dim witted


xiangling: and i so happened to accidentally place it into my freezer in the mold of a popsicle 


bennett: how does that accidentally happen 😰


xiangling: enough doubting more embracing


hu tao: reject modernity embrace tradition eat mayo-pickle ice popsicles 


xingqiu: @chongyun new popsicle flavor???


chongyun: no 


xiangling: lmao guys here comes the punchline


xiangling: i ate it 


hu tao: 40% off your funeral cause you’re one of my homies 💪


yanfei: was it bussin tho


xiangling: you’re free to try yourself idk


xiangling: side effects may include diarrhea and a depleting mental health


xinyan: sign me up


bennett: should i be concerned?


razor: ho benet 


fischl: ^ i shed tears what a motivational speech


chongyun: what happened to your archaic 


hu tao: went away just like my dad


barbara: i can see why he went away


xingqiu: LMAO


hu tao: ur mom.


yanfei: ^ +100 social credit


noelle: anyone wants to meet up at my dorm for a study session? 


xiangling: count me and xinyan in lol


xinyan: this calls for 2 shots of vodka


hu tao: *chugs glass*


xingqiu: *in a russian accent* back in my motherland, vodka is like water 


yanfei: we drink that shit any day no hesitation


xiangling: *upends the bottle*


chongyun: guess i’ll drink my sorrows away


tuesday 9:47pm

one hot mf and twenty other users ig

aether: hey mfs 


aether changed the group name to “ orgy in the backseat ”


aether: anyone wanna meet at the cafe next street? the food there bussin bussin 


hu tao: i’ll bring my homies there 💪


zhongli: I am interested. Might I be able to join you? 


childe: oh haha what a coincidence i would like to tag along too


lumine: peak clownery.


aether: lumi lets go together 


venti: guys your favorite individual is coming too!


childe: oh u mean me? i already said i was going


diluc: god, please save me from this absolute hellhole


kaeya: im here u called?


diluc: die.



tuesday 10:05pm

aether created a chat “ ass clap associates ”


aether added 5 contacts


hu tao: admin me for a sec 


hu tao became admin


hu tao added 3 contacts


xiangling: whats cooking good looking


venti: my severe trauma.


xingqiu: sounds delightful


aether: i already like yall


zhongli: Hello there Xiangling, Xingqiu and Chongyun 


hu tao: wheres my hello???


zhongli: You must be our juniors I presume.


venti: lmfao get ignored


childe: everyday i fall in love more with zhongli


childe: in a platonic way 


lumine: just admit it you’re in love with gramps


childe: no im straight


xingqiu: stfu even the tower of pisa is straighter than you


chongyun: gay vibes emitting through the screen


venti: these juniors funny af 


xiangling: we know


hu tao: we know


xingqiu: we know


chongyun: we know


aether: guys me and lumi are already here where yall musty bitches at


hu tao: omw brotha 🙏 we pulling up in xq’s mercedes


childe: relatable


zhongli: Childe, could you take me along with you?


childe: oh yes sure please come in


childe: i mean okay ig


venti: he’s trying to play it off cool 💀


venti: btw im alr here 😘


lumine: u pay 


venti: i think this sort of thing fits childe tartaglia more 😰




tuesday 10:20pm 

aether: ayo xingqiu and chongyun showed up hand in hand???


hu tao: premarital hand holding?? i puked


childe: jesus christ homosexuals these days


xiangling: im gonna devoid you of your rights if you don't stfu


childe: you can take away my rights but you can't take away my lefts


venti: guys dont cancel me for this but i believe murder is illegal so xiangling and lumine would you please put those knives away


lumine: venti you’re next


zhongli: Childe and I have arrived. Hello, everyone.


hu tao: and zhongli saves the day


aether: zhongli saved a life here frfr

Chapter Text

wednesday 8:20am

orgy in the backseat


diluc: somehow the chat name became worse


aether: i renamed it *bats eyelashes* 


lisa: i gotta say its relatable 


aether: did you get it on camera? asking for a friend


lumine: scandalous.


lumine: oh haha btw purely out of curiosity did u manage to record it?


beidou: i am completely and utterly disappointed in the both of you


beidou: (pics or it didn’t happen)


venti: ayo don’t you have a girlfriend 🤨


ningguang: its lisa 😐 


ningguang: so ofc there are exceptions


aether: well said


childe: mommy lisa


diluc: i don't think i can handle any more of this tomfoolery


venti: then we’ll keep going on until you’re all tomfuckered out 


xiao: venti i’ll put poison in your drink if you don't stfu


venti: if it's for you i’ll drink it wholeheartedly <3


xiao: i’m gonna shatter your kneecaps.


venti: .. .----. -- / ... --- .-. .-. -.--


childe: wtf is that


venti: translation: i’m sorry


venti: >replying to childe

           remorse code.


xiao: i’m somehow even angrier now


aether: no don’t you’re so sexy aha


lumine: aether should we tell everyone about yesterday lmao


aether: better still let our juniors tell themselves 


aether added 3 contacts


hu tao added 1 contact


xingqiu: sup all you plebeians


mona: rude


lumine: you hit where it hurt the most ong 💔 


xingqiu: intended


xingqiu: oh yeah venti got hit by a truck 😹


beidou: thats oddly amusing


kaeya: he got what now


hu tao: funny thing was mf stood right back up after getting hit 😟


hu tao: reenactment of what happened:


hu tao: truck honks (dramatic echo effect) camera pans to venti’s horror stricken face and slowly zooms in (shrieks of comrades plays in bg) venti stands still, unable to move, unable to breathe. time seems to have stopped. venti’s life flashes before his eyes (sad music) a lone tear trickles down the side of his face *is my life ending? just like that?* angle:on car headlights standing out in a pitch black background (sobs) *i don't want to go* sfx: bang! the screen goes black


lisa: that was absolutely beautiful.


beidou: venti’s emotions were conveyed perfectly to the reader through the use of thought and speech. good job, you have portrayed him well.


diluc: i must say i am rather interested to see what happens next


hu tao: thank you,thank you


venti: my traumatic experience being romanticised? not funny 😐


aether: its not funny its hilarious 


aether: lmfao you thought bozo 👎


venti: and i trusted you the most..


kaeya: wb me???


venti: do you pay for my living expenses? no? precisely


aether: look who’s admitting to leeching off of me now


venti: mister zhongli does the same 😐


aether: so?


hu tao: so?


childe: so?


venti: what is this blatant favouritism


zhongli: Suck it Barbatos.


aether: ayo??? 


hu tao: proud parent moment


childe: that was hot..


childe: wait i mean


lumine: 📸


lumine: too late


aether: we get it you’re gay 🙄


aether: gay as hell


venti: guys 🥺


venti: *snaps fingers* attention back to me please 🥺


diluc: will you stop


venti: *farts* teehee *giggles* no <3


xiao: that was repulsive. please don't do it again


venti: or else what


xiao: i’ll rip out your tendons and leave you incapicitated as you lay helplessly writhing in agony on the cold, barren floor.


childe: damn


xiao: childe tartaglia you included


lumine: xiao (complimentary)


xiao: :)


lumine: e-kiss <3


xiao: you just had to ruin the moment 


lumine: *sobs and hides*


aether: wtf lumi 😟


beidou: yet another horny individual 


beidou: go sit in the corner and reflect


ningguang: @beidou wanna get coffee tgth rn?


beidou: yes bae 🤤


lumine: welcome to the corner 


venti: can i join uwu 


lumine: *smiles and closes door*


xingqiu: are we roleplaying rn?? cause *growls*


hu tao: ew yall are gross *rubs my alpha pheromones all over you*


aether: agreed *unleashes my 11 inch dick onto your mom*


beidou: *ruts heroically*


lumine: *commits mass murder heroically*


diluc: >replying to lumine

           im gonna turn that into reality if all of you don't stop


venti: bet


diluc: 5 second headstart


childe: venti, you will be missed 🙏


venti: nah i don’t think he has the balls to dsij rbghf nmd


aether: someone record the fight


hu tao: on it


beidou: it ended in a second 😟


lumine: weak ass bitch


hu tao: broski passed out from a singular punch


hu tao: 🤣💔


lumine: thumbs down


lumine: even childe’s beating was more eventful smh


childe: excuse me???


aether: you’re excused


childe: you’re just jealous that i’m 80% awesome, 20% water and 100% handsome


aether: that’s 200% you dumb fuck


childe: exactly. i’m twice the man you’ll ever be.


aether: your mom thought otherwise last night


childe: my mom’s dead.


aether: even better


childe: you are despicable


aether: are you gonna punish this naughty kitten for disobeying master 🥺


childe: 😟



wednesday 11:24am



xingqiu: yk im getting pretty tired


hu tao: you okay?




xingqiu: dang it


hu tao: look im really sorry






hu tao: fine i’ll stop




xingqiu: i hate it




xingqiu: this is the last one


xingqiu: i promise




hu tao: myra got outplayed there 


razor: myra who? razor doint know myra


yanfei: dont do it..


hu tao: *robloxian chad smirk*


yanfei: oh shi she's gonna say it yall 😰


yanfei: brace yourselves


bennett: razor’s innocence will be missed 🙏


xingqiu: *drumrolls* *dramatic build up*


hu tao: my right nut


bennett: damn


bennett: she wasn’t playing


razor: how coukd you hu taso 


razor: razor sad


yanfei: hu taso (derogatory)


bennett: hu taso you messed up


bennett: praying that my bad luck gets transferred to you ‼️


hu tao: *slides down the wall dramatically* *cries black blood*


xingqiu: brocken core???


hu tao: shut yo goofy ass up and let me have my y/n moment 


hu tao: *hair whips in wind*


yanfei: omg you’re so kawaii 🥺


hu tao: heehee u are such a baka! you’re more kawaii than me 🥺


xingqiu: this is disgusting *vomits all over your yeezys*


barbara: can yall mfs stop roleplaying 


yanfei: *shakes head miserably* *burps in your face* *proceeds to play mickey mouse clubhouse theme song* *passes out and dies*


hu tao: arr eye pee yanfei you will be pissed on


xingqiu: visualize this: barbara charging at yanfei with a bible in her hand whilst chanting holy incantations



wednesday 1:45pm

orgy in the backseat


keqing: venti pls stop fidgeting in your chair its making those creaky ass noises


venti: can’t help it im so horny rn


diluc: i could’ve lived my entire life without knowing that 😐


mona: hey venti want a tarot reading?


venti: hold on a sec i need to mentally prepare myself to witness my future marriage with xiao


mona: pokecard325.png


mona: you got a magikarp


mona: that means your love life is flopping 😹


venti: you made that up didn't you 😐


mona: yeah i was joking it actually means “fuck you”


venti: i have a better talent than tarot card reading


venti: i can win rock paper scissors no matter what


venti: allow me to demonstrate 


venti: you go first


mona: ok paper


venti: scissors


mona: shit


venti: victory tastes so sweet


mona: i demand a rematch


venti: fine


mona: rock


venti: paper


mona: not so fast


mona: gun


venti: vibranium shield


mona: lazer beams it in half


venti: summons lightning on you


mona: counters it with the power of friendship


aether: this aint rock paper scissors 😰


aether: grenade


venti: steve rodgers shield 


venti: >replying to aether

            new and improved


mona: gatorade


venti: that doesnt do shit


mona: ok what about this 😈


mona: chainsaw


aether: u fool


aether: missile


mona: i admit defeat…


mona: aether… d-d-destroy venti..*coughs out blood* o-o-n.. my behalf.. 


venti: he murdered you arent you supposed to support me 1?!?1


mona: heh *chuckles* it.. w-w-was staged.. *blood trickles down chin*


mona: *heartbeat flatlines*


aether: NOOOO


aether: i will defeat him for you 😭


aether: dagger


venti: ak-47


aether: car shield


venti: smoke bomb


aether: scarf


aether: nunchucks


venti: chakram


aether: high pitched frequency


venti: *falls onto knees* 


venti: im.. finished..


childe: good ending 



wednesday 3:32pm

orgy in the backseat


beidou added kazuha


beidou: say hello to our new transfer student 


aether: hey bbg 🤤


venti: heyyy


zhongli: Hello, Kazuha.


hu tao: hi kazuha! could you spare me a moment? I would like to introduce to you this side business of mine


xiao: hu tao stop


beidou: ignoring those degenerates, go ahead and introduce yourself


kazuha: my name is kazuha and i smoke weed and do poetry


kazuha: that's it thank you


venti: give me some of that poetry


kazuha: are you doubting my prowess? 


venti: yes. im not gonna let some casual steal my title tf


kazuha: i can write a poem right now


venti: surprise me


kazuha: okay ehem 



roses are red

violets are blue

piss is yellow

and my dick is huge

so get on your knees 

and suck my dick

but if you choke

then that’s on you


aether: venti i believe you just got owned


hu tao: hurry up and admit defeat that poem slaps ass 


venti: im not giving up just yet


venti: tomorrow, same time, north wing lounge room 


venti: we’ll settle this once and for all 😐


xingqiu: kazuha vs venti watchparty! countdown: 24 hours


hu tao: this is so going on youtube


venti: >replying to kazuha

           prepare to get your ass whooped hard


kazuha: oh im so prepared

Chapter Text

thursday 3:38pm

orgy in the backseat


venti: i don't see you there kazuha


venti: was i too intimidating that you decided to back out?


kazuha: you wish


kazuha: im behind you 😐


venti: oh god you scared the living crap out of me


thursday 6:50pm 

orgy in the backseat


lumine: so who won


hu tao: that mf venti got trashed so hard 😹


lumine: @aether you owe me 10,000 mora


aether: damn it


aether: i shouldn't have expected much from some homeless bard who doesn't pay his taxes 


mona: @kazuha you’re the star of the show


mona: anything you wanna say 🎤


kazuha: caw caw motherfuckers


lumine: you didn't have to get so political 🙄


kazuha: sorry i had to educate my fellow peers


lumine: understandable


childe: i could solo kazuha any day tho 🙏


kazuha: i refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent 


mona: LMFAO


hu tao: apply cold water to the burned area


childe: you’ll be hearing from my lawyer for the emotional damage your slander has caused me 😐


kazuha: you do you i guess


childe: are you mocking me???


childe: i’ll have you know im one of the richest in liyue


childe: i’ll sue u 


kazuha: ok


mona: mf aint even taking you seriously stop embarrassing yourself 💀


hu tao: who even would tho


xingqiu: ken would


childe: who’s ken


thursday 8:10pm

orgy in the backseat


albedo: hello everyone, im doing an experiment and just so happen to require a test subject 


albedo: any takers?


albedo: im willing to pay a reasonable amount per hour 


mona: is our safety guaranteed?


albedo: unfortunately, no


mona: shame i could really use some mora rn


mona:  @childe @childe @childe @childe @childe


childe: check your paypal


mona: ong ily we’re officially besties 


childe: and they say money can’t buy you happiness 


bennett: >replying to albedo

                im willing


albedo: great! please meet me behind campus 


bennett: will do


amber: hi guys! someone left their spongebob themed socks lying in the eastern dormitory, does it belong to any of you? if so please meet me at the cafeteria


beidou: spongebob 💀


diluc: it could be kaeya’s




kaeya: i have the lightning mcqueen ones instead


diluc: how’s that supposed to make it any better


rosaria: kaeya owns disney themed socks pft


kaeya: stfu


venti: is your child texting about boobs?1!?1!


venti: stfu = shawty those funbags unforgettable 


venti: brb = big round boobsiclss


venti: smh = super mega honkers


venti: tbh = those boobies humongous 


rosaria: ong kaeya you sinner how could you talk about the sacred bouncing entities aka badonkers


beidou: fr and i actually thought you would be a great pirate buddy


beidou: we could’ve been all gang shit </3


kaeya: weren’t you staring at ningguang’s racks jn 😐


beidou: how could i not resist


beidou: if i go on a minute without staring at her i would spontaneously combust


ningguang: beidou i don’t think i’d consider that a compliment 


beidou: just showing my undying love for you bbg 


kaeya: we’re still here yk..


beidou: stay third wheeling 😹


lisa: ong wait do yall hear that loud bang coming from the western wing 


lisa: you know the area near the science lab 




sucrose: mister albedo 😰


yanfei: i don’t think those substances are non-combustible


yanfei: if you wish to continue conducting these experiments you would need a hazardous substances license which i am happy to aid you with obtaining 


hu tao: yanfei..


yanfei: srry got carried away 


venti: um is bennett okay???


yanfei: judging by how the liquid exploded in his fucking face i’d say no


albedo: hey guys bennett here


sucrose: bennett are you injured in any way?


albedo: thankfully no


albedo: however my phone got blasted into pieces of shrapnel 


lisa: oh


venti: oh


yanfei: is this the 4th time it has happened this week..?


albedo: yeah im used to it


yanfei: oh


albedo: albedo here, and i apologise for the disturbance i might have caused


venti: don’t sweat it man i managed to escape from xiao because of the explosion


hu tao: is it about the toilet thing lmfao


venti: sadly xiao doesn’t understand the art of toilet-papering the walls


lisa: fill me in on the details babes xx


hu tao: venti threw toilet paper balls onto the boys bathroom ceiling now they’re just hanging down like a saggy nutsack


hu tao: vrd86.png


yanfei: LMFAO


venti: how my balls be looking like on a hot summer day


kaeya: enough of talking about venti’s balls who wanna go ding dong ditching with me 


yanfei: not me frfr


venti: sorry homie but nahhh


albedo: no


hu tao: count me out


kaeya: 😐


albedo: i’d prefer to talk about venti’s testicles


hu tao: testicles 💀


yanfei: vent(est)i(cles)


venti: yanfe(p)i(ss)


yanfei: guys that is not true i do not have a piss kink 🥺 !


hu tao: didn't you say you’d drink my piss …?


yanfei: sorry my piss kink was a lie i am in fact yourmomsexual


venti: you three timing son of a bitch


venti: what happened to the times you kissed me under the starry night promising that i was your one and only 


venti: and when you got down on your knees and confessed the love you had for me, was that a lie too?


yanfei: i..


hu tao: perhaps we weren’t meant to be together


hu tao: let’s leave her venti


venti: yeah.. we deserve much more than some cheating scoundrel


albedo: damn


albedo: i am astounded by how the conversation managed to change into this


yanfei: i am too 


yanfei: why tf am i branded as a cheater just because i fucked your mom???


yanfei:  it's no big deal calm down broski 😹


hu tao: yk what is big tho


hu tao: my 13 inch monster cock 

Chapter Text

friday 4:27am

>private chat


kaeya: dilucc


kaeya: pls respond ☹️


kaeya: i request immediate assistance 


kaeya: @diluc


diluc: what is it now


kaeya: im just saying hello why the attitude 


diluc: 😐


diluc: now tell me


diluc: what exactly is so important that you’re texting me at the asscrack of dawn


kaeya: well it might have something to do with the school festival 


diluc: stop stalling and get to the point


kaeya: we need an extra for our play


kaeya: and i figured you might help 😍


diluc: details 


kaeya: dw your role is small you just need to wear this tree costume and stand at the back of the stage


kaeya: pro42j4.png 


diluc: LMAO tf is that 


kaeya: the costume i made for you dear brother!


diluc: you’re speaking as if i already agreed


diluc: and no, im not doing it go find someone else


kaeya: but aren’t i your favorite brother


diluc: i dont have any other brothers tho???


diluc: besides you set the bar low enough as it is


kaeya: what if i begged


diluc: tempting but not good enough


kaeya: fine i give in


kaeya: name your price


diluc: lets see.. i’ll start with your shiny rayquaza pokemon card




diluc: too bad brother


diluc: im taking your star wars lego collection too


kaeya: please no


diluc: last but not least your glow in the dark shrek hologram 


kaeya: dont you dare


diluc: take it or leave it no bargains


kaeya: and you’ll participate in the play?


diluc: fine


kaeya: deal




student council committee (formal)


kaeya: hey mfs i got diluc in the play


jean: Kaeya this is a formal chat, so please refrain from using vulgarities or abbreviations.



Dear Jean,

My sincerest apologies.




jean: 😐



Dear Jean,

I would appreciate it if you do not use emojis in this formal conversation. 




jean: Moving on, how are the preparations for this year’s school festival?


ganyu: I’ve handled the logistics, however we have yet to review all the performances.


kaeya: i can go check up on everyone 


jean: That would be very much appreciated.


ganyu: I’m not sure if we can leave Kaeya to this task.


jean: We can only hope.


kaeya: you guys sound so goofy talking in periods


ganyu: fatherless behaviour


kaeya: gone too far my g


jean: yeah wreck his ass ganyu


kaeya: what happened to this being a “formal chat” 


kaeya: where are your capitalization and periods 


ganyu: gone


ganyu: just like your dad 


jean: 💀


jean: that him 🤨👆???


kaeya: ENOUGH


ganyu: let us have our fun srsly


ganyu: ik someone who can’t have fun anymore tho


kaeya: not the both of you ganging up to bully me


kaeya: this shit not even funny anymore 


jean: cope


kaeya: im telling principal varka


kaeya: weren't you guys being all “Kaeya this is a formal chat, so please refrain from using vulgarities or abbreviations.” jn 


jean: I stand by that.


jean: Kaeya, I would appreciate it if you spoke in a more formal manner.


kaeya: sure thing will do ma'am 😐




y/n moment


aether added kaeya 


kaeya: so these are the participants for the play?


kaeya: aether, hu tao, xingqiu, xingyan, amber, venti, diluc, razor and mona


aether: yessir


kaeya: okay good you pass


kaeya: be there by monday 9am


aether: wait that’s it?


kaeya: yeah be there or be square


kaeya left the group chat


amber: why is he even a student counciler again 


aether: beats me


xingqiu: do you guys wanna go through the script again 


diluc: are you sure we’re doing this?


xingqiu: stfu youre a tree you cant say shit


diluc: ffs i better get that shrek hologram


xingqiu: what?


diluc: nothing

Chapter Text

monday 6:20am

orgy in the backseat


childe: hey


diluc: shut the fuck up you regurgitated cum bubble


childe: damn who hurt you today


xingqiu: please excuse my fellow club member


xingqiu: he just didn't get his daily dose of kaeya slander that's all


aether: not that


aether: its stage fright


aether: don't worry my g no one will notice you


xingqiu: as if a big ass tree with red ahoges sticking out isn’t conspicuous


diluc: forget it


diluc: just don't mess this up


xingqiu: rest assured im not planning on doing so


xingqiu: students from inazuma academy are coming and i’m not passing on this opportunity to show off


childe: im excited to see your play too


childe: any leaks


aether: sorry homie no can do


zhongli: Hello, everyone. The student council committee put in a lot of effort to organise this festival, so do enjoy yourselves. We aim to publicise our school through this festival as well, so walk-ins are allowed. Simply put, students from Inazuma might pay us a visit. I know very well of the rivalry between our two academies, hence please do not get into any fights or brawls with the students there. Doing so would not put our school in a positive light. 


childe: oh i understand okay!


aether: says the guy who got into a fight with itto


xingqiu: wait who tf is itto 


hu tao: musty white haired looking ass himbo


xingqiu: is he that guy who apparently almost died in a ramen eating competition 💀


aether: that’s him alright 


xiangling: now how on earth is that even possible


xiangling: i myself am an extreme food fanatic, but the possibility of dying from ramen consumption is absurdly low


xiangling: as low as the chances of childe getting bitches


aether: impossible you mean


childe: hey why did this change to bullying me


mona: they call it fate


mona: decided by destiny


childe: ew astrology


mona: WHAT 


childe: the stars are fake 😹


mona: then explain how i know that you gushed over a picture of zhongli for 2 hours straight




childe: wait no i mean i didn’t 


childe: stop capping


mona: say that to yourself


childe: what’s wrong with me looking at a picture of zhongli


childe: its not like i have feelings for him or something psh


aether: friendly word of advice you are not being discreet 😟


hu tao: homie down bad..


hu tao: hey great astrologist mona tell me


hu tao: will my business bloom in the future


mona: lol no but if it does you should be worried


hu tao: damn being a funeral director is hard


hu tao: im gonna use the school festival as a business opportunity and promote my latest coffin deal 🙏‼️


zhongli: Director I do not think that is a good idea.


hu tao: dont worry old man it’ll be fine trust me 😍


aether: famous last words


hu tao: stfu you skank ass hoe business requires strategy 


aether: L + ratio


aether: i ain't hearing shit coming from some mf running a funeral parlour 


hu tao: i bet you wipe your ass standing up


aether: who told you that


hu tao: i fucking knew it


hu tao: you nasty as hell bitch 


hu tao: your mom probably got a cardiac arrest when she saw your face for the first time 


aether: nah your mom slapped you twice to confirm which end was which 


hu tao: alright thats cool and all but tell me why when your mom walked past the tv hunter x hunter released a new season 


aether: run that shit back


aether: your mom was so fucking stupid she got fired from a blowjob


aether: people break into her mfing house just to close the curtains


aether: you be going on about my mom when your fucking granpa as dead as the joke you just made


hu tao: shut yo musty dusty crusty basic blonde bitch looking ass


hu tao: i could hit a homerun from your eyebrows to your hairline


hu tao: youll never have to worry about showing up on r/whoosh because nothing is going over that fucking head of yours


aether: you think you’re so fucking funny huh


aether: you wouldn't even get laid if you crawled up a chicken’s ass and pretended to be an egg


childe: damn i felt that one


mona: okay now kiss and make out


hu tao: 😘


hu tao: big slobbering kiss to my boy aether 


aether: 😍🥰😘


aether: no hetero tho