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teyvets’ drug cartel

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monday 2:29am

venti created a group “ one hot mf and twenty other users ig ”

venti added 20 contacts

 

venti: would you guys be there for me if i was going through something?

 

diluc: no, absolutely not.

 

aether: ofc not lmao

 

lumine: i hope it emotionally scars u for the rest of ur life <3

 

aether: you**, your**

 

lumine: and this is why im the better twin:

 

jean: >replying to venti 

            i would, if you weren’t texting at this hour smh

 

kaeya: guys don’t let venti’s question distract you from the fact that im that one hot mf in the group title 

 

childe: i think you meant me** aha 

 

kaeya: wouldn’t that just be me again 🤨

 

lumine: braincells flew out of the window

 

aether: what your attention should really be brought to is the fact that venti spelled 20 out

 

childe: #cancelventi

 

venti: you talk big for someone who stinks like the massive, most scrumptious dumpy i took jn

 

childe: tmi 😟

 

kaeya: >replying to venti

              pics.

 

mona: screenshotting and saving this under my blackmail folder 

 

lumine: can’t say i didn't expect any less from kaeya

 

aether: >replying to mona

              how much would it cost to buy your entire collection?

 

mona: 6 figures

 

aether: deal.

 

diluc: aether i’ll sponsor you 

 

kaeya: brother… how could you do this to me </3

 

xiao: its 2 in the morning everyone stfu especially you venti

 

venti: bbbut i didn't even say anything

 

rosaria: your presence alone already radiates enough degenerate aura i can smell your stinky unwashed ass all the way from the girls dorm

 

lumine: ^

 

aether: ^

 

diluc: ^

 

xiao: ^

 

mona: ^

 

childe: ^

 

kaeya: ^

 

lumine: bbbut shut yo bitchass up lmfao 

 

mona: can we all just agree that venti slander is the best slander

 

childe: another day another slay

 

aether: you ain't got no input in this 

 

aether: you’re another one of those stinky mfs 😐

 

jean: guys go to sleep we have a test tomorrow 

 

kaeya: i’ll copy off you tyvm 🙏

 

rosaria: yall he doesn’t know that we will be changing seats tmrw 

 

diluc: you’re sitting next to venti good luck

 

diluc: actually no i hope you fail miserably 

 

venti: i feel like i'm being indirectly attacked rn

 

jean: for the love of god, go to sleep 

 

kaeya: yes ma’am 



--------------------

monday 8:01am

venti: g’morning to all you whores! 

 

hu tao: hey mamas

 

jean: @everyone today we’ll be having a test at approximately 9:15 in the morning! you have more than an hour to do some extra revision so make use of your time wisely

 

childe: we’re fucked

 

xiao: you’re speaking only for yourself here

 

aether: >replying to childe 

              you’re**

 

kaeya: @childe i got the answer sheets dw brotha

 

venti: so we all in this tgth 🙏

 

diluc: whatever they’re up to, it isn’t good

 

diluc: they should be stopped immediately

 

lumine: nono i want to see how this plays out 

 

aether: it’d probably end incredibly well with them acing the test or some pipe in the bathroom exploding 

 

aether: either ways both are things i would pay to see happen

 

hu tao: english is a difficult subject. it can be understood through tough thorough thought though 

 

kaeya: say it 5 times quickly

 

venti: tru tuff toro tot tho

 

albedo: im gonna shove hydrogen cyanide down your throat if you don't stfu 😐

 

kaeya: in a kinky way orrrr

 

diluc: someone call pest control please

 

lumine: kaeya does not deserve any human rights 😨

 

aether: we been knew

 

rosaria: kaeya i will uppercut punch you, dropkick you, and then proceed to decapitate you 

 

keqing: i was away for a few hours and already so much has happened but one thing that we can all collectively agree on is that kaeya is absolutely revolting 

 

beidou: i second that

 

venti: not trying to brag or anything but i can wake up without an alarm clock because of my crippling and overwhelming anxiety 

 

xiao: venti i hate you with every inch of my body.

 

childe: that's not alot of inches tho

 

mona: childe, i'm saying this so that the expensive carpet wouldn’t be full of blood stains again, run as fast as you can.

 

aether: again? ayo???

 

keqing: apparently someone died in our class before 

 

beidou: LOL I SEE XIAO TACKLING CHILDE ONTO THE FLOOR

 

hu tao: rip bozo 🤣🙏‼️

 

venti: a fellow comrade has fallen 

 

venti: let us give a moment of silence to commemorate them

 

hu tao: brb guys im getting my oak wood coffin ready for childe tartaglia 

 

lumine: update, zhongli interfered 

 

lumine: 3 people had to hold xiao back 💀

 

aether: xiao pummeled childe tartaglia to the floor

 

aether: it was a one sided beating 

 

hu tao: did anyone get that shit on camera?

 

mona: i did

 

hu tao: sweet. don't forget to upload it to a hard drive

 

aether: another addition to your blackmail material ig

 

childe: hey guys

 

diluc: >replying to childe

           you got your face chewed off by a 5 feet tall gremlin 

 

diluc: weak as hell

 

kaeya: dude u good? 

 

childe: well apart from a couple of broken bones and severe psychological distress i’d say i’m doing great 

 

childe: my hair isn’t messed up anyways so im good to go

 

lumine: trying to impress a certain dark haired tall guy with amber eyes huh

 

hu tao: damn i wonder who it’d be

 

hu tao: does he work as my assistant or not idk

 

aether: childe tartaglia you aint lowkey in the least bit

 

aether: we all know who you’re trying to impress 

 

kaeya: lmao he went offline

 

zhongli: Good morning everyone. The test will be starting shortly, so please keep away any mobile devices or notes,etc. Goodluck on the test.

 

venti: damn it's already 9 that was fast

 

jean: venti get off your fucking phone and start preparing 

 

kaeya: yoo jean snapped

 


--------------------

monday 9:35am

venti: math section a q6

 

kaeya: 2

 

aether: q18

 

kaeya: 4

 

kaeya: thats 100 mora

 

childe: wb q9&12

 

kaeya: 1,2

 

childe: >replying to kaeya

             put it under my tab

 

venti: ily no homo tho

 

hu tao: gay gay homosexual gay

 

mona: wait a sec aren’t we having a test rn

 

keqing: yeah how are yall on this 

 

lumine: ^ both of you are one to talk 

 

mona: im using my old nokia lmfao

 

aether: ew zhongli kinnie 

 

childe: not anymoreee 

 

childe: im getting zhongli a new phone after this

 

venti: im not gay he says

 

kaeya: any other questions? my income comes directly from this

 

aether: q31 pls

 

kaeya: 3

 

venti: this is psychological torture 

 

lumine: i saw cogwheels turning in ur brain trying to figure out how to spell psychological 

 

venti: cry about it lmfao

 

--------------------

monday 12:05pm

hu tao created a group “ homiesexual ”

hu tao added 11 contacts

 

xingqiu: im not saying im obsessed but if chongyun told me to jump off a cliff i’d cartwheel towards the edge and do a backflip 

 

hu tao: he read that

 

xiangling: what do you have to say about this @chongyun

 

chongyun: >replying to xingqiu

                   i would jump off a cliff for you too as a friend ofc

 

yanfei: 💀

 

hu tao: f 

 

bennett: dont worry xingqiu you still have a chance lol

 

fischl: my fellow companions, thou has been graced with my transcendent presence! i see a dear acquaintance in a state of unease.. fret not, for i, fischl shall spare you of your worries

 

xinyan: what 

 

hu tao: chuuni syndrome lmao

 

fischl: such insolence! what you have just said was the most insulting thing that has ever fallen upon my auricle

 

fischl: actually forget it fuck you

 

xingqiu: you know its getting serious when fischl drops her sophisticated style of speech 

 

xiangling: yanfei should know she talks in intellectual 

 

yanfei: i’ll doxx u stfu

 

xiangling: it was a compliment tho???

 

xingqiu: feeling cute might commit arson later

 

hu tao: caught in 4k 📸 

 

chongyun: didn’t you burn down the western wing last week 🤨

 

hu tao: i don't stoop so low tf

 

hu tao: is this what you think of me? #beetrayel

 

barbara: bitch i got it on camera 

 

yanfei: would be a shame if i… hacked into barbara's software system and broadcast the video to the entire school

 

xinyan: please do

 

bennett: i stand by xinyan

 

xingqiu: wrongdoers should be prosecuted 🙏‼️

 

hu tao: i hate all of you i'm going to blast 100 gecs at 3am

 

xinyan: a banger tho

 

hu tao: yall is it just me or is our science human body model smirking at me

 

xingqiu: nah hu tao its just your sleep deprivation in action

 

hu tao: if you dont stop i’ll make your penis into penwas 

 

xiangling: banger tweet???

 

babara: everything hu tao says is iconic fr

 

chongyun: guys keep your phones i can hear mdm ping approaching

 

xinyan: you’re right omg bye everyone

 

xingqiu: bye xinyan bye hu tao bye bennett bye babara bye chongyun bye yanfei bye xiangling bye fischl bye chongyun 

 

yanfei: you said bye chongyun twice 

 

xingqiu: its chongyun appreciation day



Chapter Text

tuesday 10:12am

one hot mf and twenty other users ig

 

venti: i barely passed. 

 

hu tao: lol

 

venti: the disrespect

 

venti: wait a second

 

venti: arent you a junior 🤨

 

childe: ???

 

beidou: how did you get in tf

 

mona: thats why i’ve been saying the more casual you act the more likely you’ll get away with something 

 

xiao: you speak as if from experience 

 

kaeya: sus 

 

beidou: >replying to hu tao

               teach me your ways master

 

hu tao: “ let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt ”

 - sun tzu

 

aether: write that down write that down

 

lumine: *writes furiously*

 

beidou: centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. any arguments? 

 

venti: *raises hand cutely*

 

diluc: please refrain from talking in this way 

 

ningguang: the block button is edging me rn

 

beidou: ayo the goddess spoke everyone kneel

 

childe: fucking lesbians smh

 

mona: stfu you sad excuse of a human being

 

mona: the other day i got a little too close to childe tartaglia and all i can say is that he smells like doritos and grease

 

childe: shut

 

lumine: yall we are digressing from the original topic

 

lumine: i would like to have a full on debate on why i think centaurs are insects

 

diluc: my mental health declines with each interaction in this god forsaken chat.

 

ningguang: fr i’ve witnessed a lot of dumb shit and its a miracle im still sane

 

mona: i’ve recorded a lot of dumb shit

 

venti: i’ve joined in on the dumb shit 

 

venti: hashtag the swag never stops

 

hu tao: i’ve started dumb shit

 

venti: 4lyfers 

 

rosaria: rodents.

 

jean: i can’t

 

jean: im leaving zhongli to handle this

 

keqing: @zhongli

 

keqing: notice how ganyu is minimizing as much involvement as possible with all you ugly mfs 

 

ganyu: >replying to keqing

            fr im finna be contaminated with dookie marks the longer i stay here 

 

aether: ouch 

 

ganyu: dw this is targeted towards a certain ginger 

 

hu tao: tarta(gag)lia 

 

childe: i hate you 

 

hu tao: ilyt no hetero tho

 

zhongli: Hello everyone.

 

childe: hey zhongli! 

 

kaeya: homie replied in less than a second 💀

 

aether: simple man but without the le

 

lumine: simp man 🤨⁉️

 

zhongli: What is a simp man?

 

mona: it’s a synonym for childe tartaglia

 

zhongli: Oh so I can start calling Childe simp man from now on? 

 

keqing: yes i think he would really appreciate it

 

ganyu: mhm 

 

venti: yall stop confusing this poor old man 

 

zhongli: Venti, please do not bring my financial status into this.

 

xiao: lmao

 

aether: i think im tripping

 

aether: did xiao just laugh???

 

beidou: this is a legendary moment 

 

mona: i screenshotted so much my phone powered off

 

venti: xiao laughing caught on camera not clickbait ?1!1?!1?!

 

xiao: perish.

 

hu tao: zhongli someone said you really liked it

 

aether: hu tao (derogatory)

 

xiao: zhongli don’t.

 

zhongli: Huh? Liked what? 

 

venti: we were too late to save old man 😞

 

hu tao: LIKED DEEZ NUTS 

 

hu tao: gottem

 

zhongli: Hu tao.

 

hu tao: shit

 

kaeya: in which hanako rip off gets mauled to death by an old gramps

 

beidou: i just witnessed a slaughter 😨

 

ningguang: we might need a new coffin supplier 

 

beidou: hey babe 

 

ningguang: <3

 

beidou: are we about to kiss rn

 

lumine: everyone close your eyes 

 

 

--------------------

tuesday 4:39pm

homiesexual 

 

xiangling: well well well if it isn’t my old friend: the dawning realization that i fucked up big time

 

barbara: pray tell

 

chongyun: im betting 1000 mora it has something to do with food

 

hu tao: ding ding you’re correct 

 

xiangling: i haven't even said anything yet tf

 

xingqiu: we know you well enough, you stinker <3

 

xiangling: well so the other day i had the brilliant idea mixing mayo and pickles 

 

xinyan: “ brilliant ”

 

barbara: brilliantly dim witted

 

xiangling: and i so happened to accidentally place it into my freezer in the mold of a popsicle 

 

bennett: how does that accidentally happen 😰

 

xiangling: enough doubting more embracing

 

hu tao: reject modernity embrace tradition eat mayo-pickle ice popsicles 

 

xingqiu: @chongyun new popsicle flavor???

 

chongyun: no 

 

xiangling: lmao guys here comes the punchline

 

xiangling: i ate it 

 

hu tao: 40% off your funeral cause you’re one of my homies 💪

 

yanfei: was it bussin tho

 

xiangling: you’re free to try yourself idk

 

xiangling: side effects may include diarrhea and a depleting mental health

 

xinyan: sign me up

 

bennett: should i be concerned?

 

razor: ho benet 

 

fischl: ^ i shed tears what a motivational speech

 

chongyun: what happened to your archaic 

 

hu tao: went away just like my dad

 

barbara: i can see why he went away

 

xingqiu: LMAO

 

hu tao: ur mom.

 

yanfei: ^ +100 social credit

 

noelle: anyone wants to meet up at my dorm for a study session? 

 

xiangling: count me and xinyan in lol

 

xinyan: this calls for 2 shots of vodka

 

hu tao: *chugs glass*

 

xingqiu: *in a russian accent* back in my motherland, vodka is like water 

 

yanfei: we drink that shit any day no hesitation

 

xiangling: *upends the bottle*

 

chongyun: guess i’ll drink my sorrows away




--------------------

tuesday 9:47pm

one hot mf and twenty other users ig

aether: hey mfs 

 

aether changed the group name to “ orgy in the backseat ”

 

aether: anyone wanna meet at the cafe next street? the food there bussin bussin 

 

hu tao: i’ll bring my homies there 💪

 

zhongli: I am interested. Might I be able to join you? 

 

childe: oh haha what a coincidence i would like to tag along too

 

lumine: peak clownery.

 

aether: lumi lets go together 

 

venti: guys your favorite individual is coming too!

 

childe: oh u mean me? i already said i was going

 

diluc: god, please save me from this absolute hellhole

 

kaeya: im here u called?

 

diluc: die.

 


--------------------

tuesday 10:05pm

aether created a chat “ ass clap associates ”

 

aether added 5 contacts

 

hu tao: admin me for a sec 

 

hu tao became admin

 

hu tao added 3 contacts

 

xiangling: whats cooking good looking

 

venti: my severe trauma.

 

xingqiu: sounds delightful

 

aether: i already like yall

 

zhongli: Hello there Xiangling, Xingqiu and Chongyun 

 

hu tao: wheres my hello???

 

zhongli: You must be our juniors I presume.

 

venti: lmfao get ignored

 

childe: everyday i fall in love more with zhongli

 

childe: in a platonic way 

 

lumine: just admit it you’re in love with gramps

 

childe: no im straight

 

xingqiu: stfu even the tower of pisa is straighter than you

 

chongyun: gay vibes emitting through the screen

 

venti: these juniors funny af 

 

xiangling: we know

 

hu tao: we know

 

xingqiu: we know

 

chongyun: we know

 

aether: guys me and lumi are already here where yall musty bitches at

 

hu tao: omw brotha 🙏 we pulling up in xq’s mercedes

 

childe: relatable

 

zhongli: Childe, could you take me along with you?

 

childe: oh yes sure please come in

 

childe: i mean okay ig

 

venti: he’s trying to play it off cool 💀

 

venti: btw im alr here 😘

 

lumine: u pay 

 

venti: i think this sort of thing fits childe tartaglia more 😰

 

 

--------------------

tuesday 10:20pm 

aether: ayo xingqiu and chongyun showed up hand in hand???

 

hu tao: premarital hand holding?? i puked

 

childe: jesus christ homosexuals these days

 

xiangling: im gonna devoid you of your rights if you don't stfu

 

childe: you can take away my rights but you can't take away my lefts

 

venti: guys dont cancel me for this but i believe murder is illegal so xiangling and lumine would you please put those knives away

 

lumine: venti you’re next

 

zhongli: Childe and I have arrived. Hello, everyone.

 

hu tao: and zhongli saves the day

 

aether: zhongli saved a life here frfr



Chapter Text

wednesday 8:20am

orgy in the backseat

 

diluc: somehow the chat name became worse

 

aether: i renamed it *bats eyelashes* 

 

lisa: i gotta say its relatable 

 

aether: did you get it on camera? asking for a friend

 

lumine: scandalous.

 

lumine: oh haha btw purely out of curiosity did u manage to record it?

 

beidou: i am completely and utterly disappointed in the both of you

 

beidou: (pics or it didn’t happen)

 

venti: ayo don’t you have a girlfriend 🤨

 

ningguang: its lisa 😐 

 

ningguang: so ofc there are exceptions

 

aether: well said

 

childe: mommy lisa

 

diluc: i don't think i can handle any more of this tomfoolery

 

venti: then we’ll keep going on until you’re all tomfuckered out 

 

xiao: venti i’ll put poison in your drink if you don't stfu

 

venti: if it's for you i’ll drink it wholeheartedly <3

 

xiao: i’m gonna shatter your kneecaps.

 

venti: .. .----. -- / ... --- .-. .-. -.--

 

childe: wtf is that

 

venti: translation: i’m sorry

 

venti: >replying to childe

           remorse code.

 

xiao: i’m somehow even angrier now

 

aether: no don’t you’re so sexy aha

 

lumine: aether should we tell everyone about yesterday lmao

 

aether: better still let our juniors tell themselves 

 

aether added 3 contacts

 

hu tao added 1 contact

 

xingqiu: sup all you plebeians

 

mona: rude

 

lumine: you hit where it hurt the most ong 💔 

 

xingqiu: intended

 

xingqiu: oh yeah venti got hit by a truck 😹

 

beidou: thats oddly amusing

 

kaeya: he got what now

 

hu tao: funny thing was mf stood right back up after getting hit 😟

 

hu tao: reenactment of what happened:

 

hu tao: truck honks (dramatic echo effect) camera pans to venti’s horror stricken face and slowly zooms in (shrieks of comrades plays in bg) venti stands still, unable to move, unable to breathe. time seems to have stopped. venti’s life flashes before his eyes (sad music) a lone tear trickles down the side of his face *is my life ending? just like that?* angle:on car headlights standing out in a pitch black background (sobs) *i don't want to go* sfx: bang! the screen goes black

 

lisa: that was absolutely beautiful.

 

beidou: venti’s emotions were conveyed perfectly to the reader through the use of thought and speech. good job, you have portrayed him well.

 

diluc: i must say i am rather interested to see what happens next

 

hu tao: thank you,thank you

 

venti: my traumatic experience being romanticised? not funny 😐

 

aether: its not funny its hilarious 

 

aether: lmfao you thought bozo 👎

 

venti: and i trusted you the most..

 

kaeya: wb me???

 

venti: do you pay for my living expenses? no? precisely

 

aether: look who’s admitting to leeching off of me now

 

venti: mister zhongli does the same 😐

 

aether: so?

 

hu tao: so?

 

childe: so?

 

venti: what is this blatant favouritism

 

zhongli: Suck it Barbatos.

 

aether: ayo??? 

 

hu tao: proud parent moment

 

childe: that was hot..

 

childe: wait i mean

 

lumine: 📸

 

lumine: too late

 

aether: we get it you’re gay 🙄

 

aether: gay as hell

 

venti: guys 🥺

 

venti: *snaps fingers* attention back to me please 🥺

 

diluc: will you stop

 

venti: *farts* teehee *giggles* no <3

 

xiao: that was repulsive. please don't do it again

 

venti: or else what

 

xiao: i’ll rip out your tendons and leave you incapicitated as you lay helplessly writhing in agony on the cold, barren floor.

 

childe: damn

 

xiao: childe tartaglia you included

 

lumine: xiao (complimentary)

 

xiao: :)

 

lumine: e-kiss <3

 

xiao: you just had to ruin the moment 

 

lumine: *sobs and hides*

 

aether: wtf lumi 😟

 

beidou: yet another horny individual 

 

beidou: go sit in the corner and reflect

 

ningguang: @beidou wanna get coffee tgth rn?

 

beidou: yes bae 🤤

 

lumine: welcome to the corner 

 

venti: can i join uwu 

 

lumine: *smiles and closes door*

 

xingqiu: are we roleplaying rn?? cause *growls*

 

hu tao: ew yall are gross *rubs my alpha pheromones all over you*

 

aether: agreed *unleashes my 11 inch dick onto your mom*

 

beidou: *ruts heroically*

 

lumine: *commits mass murder heroically*

 

diluc: >replying to lumine

           im gonna turn that into reality if all of you don't stop

 

venti: bet

 

diluc: 5 second headstart

 

childe: venti, you will be missed 🙏

 

venti: nah i don’t think he has the balls to dsij rbghf nmd

 

aether: someone record the fight

 

hu tao: on it

 

beidou: it ended in a second 😟

 

lumine: weak ass bitch

 

hu tao: broski passed out from a singular punch

 

hu tao: 🤣💔

 

lumine: thumbs down

 

lumine: even childe’s beating was more eventful smh

 

childe: excuse me???

 

aether: you’re excused

 

childe: you’re just jealous that i’m 80% awesome, 20% water and 100% handsome

 

aether: that’s 200% you dumb fuck

 

childe: exactly. i’m twice the man you’ll ever be.

 

aether: your mom thought otherwise last night

 

childe: my mom’s dead.

 

aether: even better

 

childe: you are despicable

 

aether: are you gonna punish this naughty kitten for disobeying master 🥺

 

childe: 😟

 


--------------------

wednesday 11:24am

homiesexual

 

xingqiu: yk im getting pretty tired

 

hu tao: you okay?

 

hu tao: WITH BOTH OF DEEZ NUTS IN YO MOUTH LMFAO

 

xingqiu: dang it

 

hu tao: look im really sorry

 

hu tao: SORRY FOR PUTTING DEEZ NUTS IN YO MOUTH 

 

xingqiu: STOP STEALING MY PUNCHLINES

 

hu tao: fine i’ll stop

 

hu tao: GIVING YOU DEEZ NUTS LMFAO

 

xingqiu: i hate it

 

xingqiu: HOW DEEZ NUTS AREN’T IN YO MOUTH RN

 

xingqiu: this is the last one

 

xingqiu: i promise

 

xingqiu: THAT DEEZ NUTS WILL HIT YO JAW

 

hu tao: myra got outplayed there 

 

razor: myra who? razor doint know myra

 

yanfei: dont do it..

 

hu tao: *robloxian chad smirk*

 

yanfei: oh shi she's gonna say it yall 😰

 

yanfei: brace yourselves

 

bennett: razor’s innocence will be missed 🙏

 

xingqiu: *drumrolls* *dramatic build up*

 

hu tao: my right nut

 

bennett: damn

 

bennett: she wasn’t playing

 

razor: how coukd you hu taso 

 

razor: razor sad

 

yanfei: hu taso (derogatory)

 

bennett: hu taso you messed up

 

bennett: praying that my bad luck gets transferred to you ‼️

 

hu tao: *slides down the wall dramatically* *cries black blood*

 

xingqiu: brocken core???

 

hu tao: shut yo goofy ass up and let me have my y/n moment 

 

hu tao: *hair whips in wind*

 

yanfei: omg you’re so kawaii 🥺

 

hu tao: heehee u are such a baka! you’re more kawaii than me 🥺

 

xingqiu: this is disgusting *vomits all over your yeezys*

 

barbara: can yall mfs stop roleplaying 

 

yanfei: *shakes head miserably* *burps in your face* *proceeds to play mickey mouse clubhouse theme song* *passes out and dies*

 

hu tao: arr eye pee yanfei you will be pissed on

 

xingqiu: visualize this: barbara charging at yanfei with a bible in her hand whilst chanting holy incantations

 

--------------------

wednesday 1:45pm

orgy in the backseat

 

keqing: venti pls stop fidgeting in your chair its making those creaky ass noises

 

venti: can’t help it im so horny rn

 

diluc: i could’ve lived my entire life without knowing that 😐

 

mona: hey venti want a tarot reading?

 

venti: hold on a sec i need to mentally prepare myself to witness my future marriage with xiao

 

mona: pokecard325.png

 

mona: you got a magikarp

 

mona: that means your love life is flopping 😹

 

venti: you made that up didn't you 😐

 

mona: yeah i was joking it actually means “fuck you”

 

venti: i have a better talent than tarot card reading

 

venti: i can win rock paper scissors no matter what

 

venti: allow me to demonstrate 

 

venti: you go first

 

mona: ok paper

 

venti: scissors

 

mona: shit

 

venti: victory tastes so sweet

 

mona: i demand a rematch

 

venti: fine

 

mona: rock

 

venti: paper

 

mona: not so fast

 

mona: gun

 

venti: vibranium shield

 

mona: lazer beams it in half

 

venti: summons lightning on you

 

mona: counters it with the power of friendship

 

aether: this aint rock paper scissors 😰

 

aether: grenade

 

venti: steve rodgers shield 

 

venti: >replying to aether

            new and improved

 

mona: gatorade

 

venti: that doesnt do shit

 

mona: ok what about this 😈

 

mona: chainsaw

 

aether: u fool

 

aether: missile

 

mona: i admit defeat…

 

mona: aether… d-d-destroy venti..*coughs out blood* o-o-n.. my behalf.. 

 

venti: he murdered you arent you supposed to support me 1?!?1

 

mona: heh *chuckles* it.. w-w-was staged.. *blood trickles down chin*

 

mona: *heartbeat flatlines*

 

aether: NOOOO

 

aether: i will defeat him for you 😭

 

aether: dagger

 

venti: ak-47

 

aether: car shield

 

venti: smoke bomb

 

aether: scarf

 

aether: nunchucks

 

venti: chakram

 

aether: high pitched frequency

 

venti: *falls onto knees* 

 

venti: im.. finished..

 

childe: good ending 

 

--------------------

wednesday 3:32pm

orgy in the backseat

 

beidou added kazuha

 

beidou: say hello to our new transfer student 

 

aether: hey bbg 🤤

 

venti: heyyy

 

zhongli: Hello, Kazuha.

 

hu tao: hi kazuha! could you spare me a moment? I would like to introduce to you this side business of mine

 

xiao: hu tao stop

 

beidou: ignoring those degenerates, go ahead and introduce yourself

 

kazuha: my name is kazuha and i smoke weed and do poetry

 

kazuha: that's it thank you

 

venti: give me some of that poetry

 

kazuha: are you doubting my prowess? 

 

venti: yes. im not gonna let some casual steal my title tf

 

kazuha: i can write a poem right now

 

venti: surprise me

 

kazuha: okay ehem 

 

kazuha:

roses are red

violets are blue

piss is yellow

and my dick is huge

so get on your knees 

and suck my dick

but if you choke

then that’s on you

 

aether: venti i believe you just got owned

 

hu tao: hurry up and admit defeat that poem slaps ass 

 

venti: im not giving up just yet

 

venti: tomorrow, same time, north wing lounge room 

 

venti: we’ll settle this once and for all 😐

 

xingqiu: kazuha vs venti watchparty! countdown: 24 hours

 

hu tao: this is so going on youtube

 

venti: >replying to kazuha

           prepare to get your ass whooped hard

 

kazuha: oh im so prepared

Chapter Text

thursday 3:38pm

orgy in the backseat

 

venti: i don't see you there kazuha

 

venti: was i too intimidating that you decided to back out?

 

kazuha: you wish

 

kazuha: im behind you 😐

 

venti: oh god you scared the living crap out of me



-------------------- 

thursday 6:50pm 

orgy in the backseat

 

lumine: so who won

 

hu tao: that mf venti got trashed so hard 😹

 

lumine: @aether you owe me 10,000 mora

 

aether: damn it

 

aether: i shouldn't have expected much from some homeless bard who doesn't pay his taxes 

 

mona: @kazuha you’re the star of the show

 

mona: anything you wanna say 🎤

 

kazuha: caw caw motherfuckers

 

lumine: you didn't have to get so political 🙄

 

kazuha: sorry i had to educate my fellow peers

 

lumine: understandable

 

childe: i could solo kazuha any day tho 🙏

 

kazuha: i refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent 

 

mona: LMFAO

 

hu tao: apply cold water to the burned area

 

childe: you’ll be hearing from my lawyer for the emotional damage your slander has caused me 😐

 

kazuha: you do you i guess

 

childe: are you mocking me???

 

childe: i’ll have you know im one of the richest in liyue

 

childe: i’ll sue u 

 

kazuha: ok

 

mona: mf aint even taking you seriously stop embarrassing yourself 💀

 

hu tao: who even would tho

 

xingqiu: ken would

 

childe: who’s ken




--------------------

thursday 8:10pm

orgy in the backseat

 

albedo: hello everyone, im doing an experiment and just so happen to require a test subject 

 

albedo: any takers?

 

albedo: im willing to pay a reasonable amount per hour 

 

mona: is our safety guaranteed?

 

albedo: unfortunately, no

 

mona: shame i could really use some mora rn

 

mona:  @childe @childe @childe @childe @childe

 

childe: check your paypal

 

mona: ong ily we’re officially besties 

 

childe: and they say money can’t buy you happiness 

 

bennett: >replying to albedo

                im willing

 

albedo: great! please meet me behind campus 

 

bennett: will do

 

amber: hi guys! someone left their spongebob themed socks lying in the eastern dormitory, does it belong to any of you? if so please meet me at the cafeteria

 

beidou: spongebob 💀

 

diluc: it could be kaeya’s

 

kaeya: EXCUSE ME I DON'T EVEN OWN THOSE 

 

kaeya: i have the lightning mcqueen ones instead

 

diluc: how’s that supposed to make it any better

 

rosaria: kaeya owns disney themed socks pft

 

kaeya: stfu

 

venti: is your child texting about boobs?1!?1!

 

venti: stfu = shawty those funbags unforgettable 

 

venti: brb = big round boobsiclss

 

venti: smh = super mega honkers

 

venti: tbh = those boobies humongous 

 

rosaria: ong kaeya you sinner how could you talk about the sacred bouncing entities aka badonkers

 

beidou: fr and i actually thought you would be a great pirate buddy

 

beidou: we could’ve been all gang shit </3

 

kaeya: weren’t you staring at ningguang’s racks jn 😐

 

beidou: how could i not resist

 

beidou: if i go on a minute without staring at her i would spontaneously combust

 

ningguang: beidou i don’t think i’d consider that a compliment 

 

beidou: just showing my undying love for you bbg 

 

kaeya: we’re still here yk..

 

beidou: stay third wheeling 😹

 

lisa: ong wait do yall hear that loud bang coming from the western wing 

 

lisa: you know the area near the science lab 

 

venti: OH SHIT I JUST WALKED PAST WHAT IN THE FUCK

 

sucrose: mister albedo 😰

 

yanfei: i don’t think those substances are non-combustible

 

yanfei: if you wish to continue conducting these experiments you would need a hazardous substances license which i am happy to aid you with obtaining 

 

hu tao: yanfei..

 

yanfei: srry got carried away 

 

venti: um is bennett okay???

 

yanfei: judging by how the liquid exploded in his fucking face i’d say no

 

albedo: hey guys bennett here

 

sucrose: bennett are you injured in any way?

 

albedo: thankfully no

 

albedo: however my phone got blasted into pieces of shrapnel 

 

lisa: oh

 

venti: oh

 

yanfei: is this the 4th time it has happened this week..?

 

albedo: yeah im used to it

 

yanfei: oh

 

albedo: albedo here, and i apologise for the disturbance i might have caused

 

venti: don’t sweat it man i managed to escape from xiao because of the explosion

 

hu tao: is it about the toilet thing lmfao

 

venti: sadly xiao doesn’t understand the art of toilet-papering the walls

 

lisa: fill me in on the details babes xx

 

hu tao: venti threw toilet paper balls onto the boys bathroom ceiling now they’re just hanging down like a saggy nutsack

 

hu tao: vrd86.png

 

yanfei: LMFAO

 

venti: how my balls be looking like on a hot summer day

 

kaeya: enough of talking about venti’s balls who wanna go ding dong ditching with me 

 

yanfei: not me frfr

 

venti: sorry homie but nahhh

 

albedo: no

 

hu tao: count me out

 

kaeya: 😐

 

albedo: i’d prefer to talk about venti’s testicles

 

hu tao: testicles 💀

 

yanfei: vent(est)i(cles)

 

venti: yanfe(p)i(ss)

 

yanfei: guys that is not true i do not have a piss kink 🥺 !

 

hu tao: didn't you say you’d drink my piss …?

 

yanfei: sorry my piss kink was a lie i am in fact yourmomsexual

 

venti: you three timing son of a bitch

 

venti: what happened to the times you kissed me under the starry night promising that i was your one and only 

 

venti: and when you got down on your knees and confessed the love you had for me, was that a lie too?

 

yanfei: i..

 

hu tao: perhaps we weren’t meant to be together

 

hu tao: let’s leave her venti

 

venti: yeah.. we deserve much more than some cheating scoundrel

 

albedo: damn

 

albedo: i am astounded by how the conversation managed to change into this

 

yanfei: i am too 

 

yanfei: why tf am i branded as a cheater just because i fucked your mom???

 

yanfei:  it's no big deal calm down broski 😹

 

hu tao: yk what is big tho

 

hu tao: my 13 inch monster cock 

Chapter Text

friday 4:27am

>private chat

 

kaeya: dilucc

 

kaeya: pls respond ☹️

 

kaeya: i request immediate assistance 

 

kaeya: @diluc

 

diluc: what is it now

 

kaeya: im just saying hello why the attitude 

 

diluc: 😐

 

diluc: now tell me

 

diluc: what exactly is so important that you’re texting me at the asscrack of dawn

 

kaeya: well it might have something to do with the school festival 

 

diluc: stop stalling and get to the point

 

kaeya: we need an extra for our play

 

kaeya: and i figured you might help 😍

 

diluc: details 

 

kaeya: dw your role is small you just need to wear this tree costume and stand at the back of the stage

 

kaeya: pro42j4.png 

 

diluc: LMAO tf is that 

 

kaeya: the costume i made for you dear brother!

 

diluc: you’re speaking as if i already agreed

 

diluc: and no, im not doing it go find someone else

 

kaeya: but aren’t i your favorite brother

 

diluc: i dont have any other brothers tho???

 

diluc: besides you set the bar low enough as it is

 

kaeya: what if i begged

 

diluc: tempting but not good enough

 

kaeya: fine i give in

 

kaeya: name your price

 

diluc: lets see.. i’ll start with your shiny rayquaza pokemon card

 

kaeya: NOOO NOT MY RAYQUAZA

 

diluc: too bad brother

 

diluc: im taking your star wars lego collection too

 

kaeya: please no

 

diluc: last but not least your glow in the dark shrek hologram 

 

kaeya: dont you dare

 

diluc: take it or leave it no bargains

 

kaeya: and you’ll participate in the play?

 

diluc: fine

 

kaeya: deal

 

 

--------------------

student council committee (formal)

 

kaeya: hey mfs i got diluc in the play

 

jean: Kaeya this is a formal chat, so please refrain from using vulgarities or abbreviations.

 

kaeya: 

Dear Jean,

My sincerest apologies.

Regards,

Kaeya

 

jean: 😐

 

kaeya: 

Dear Jean,

I would appreciate it if you do not use emojis in this formal conversation. 

Regards,

Kaeya

 

jean: Moving on, how are the preparations for this year’s school festival?

 

ganyu: I’ve handled the logistics, however we have yet to review all the performances.

 

kaeya: i can go check up on everyone 

 

jean: That would be very much appreciated.

 

ganyu: I’m not sure if we can leave Kaeya to this task.

 

jean: We can only hope.

 

kaeya: you guys sound so goofy talking in periods

 

ganyu: fatherless behaviour

 

kaeya: gone too far my g

 

jean: yeah wreck his ass ganyu

 

kaeya: what happened to this being a “formal chat” 

 

kaeya: where are your capitalization and periods 

 

ganyu: gone

 

ganyu: just like your dad 

 

jean: 💀

 

jean: that him 🤨👆???

 

kaeya: ENOUGH

 

ganyu: let us have our fun srsly

 

ganyu: ik someone who can’t have fun anymore tho

 

kaeya: not the both of you ganging up to bully me

 

kaeya: this shit not even funny anymore 

 

jean: cope

 

kaeya: im telling principal varka

 

kaeya: weren't you guys being all “Kaeya this is a formal chat, so please refrain from using vulgarities or abbreviations.” jn 

 

jean: I stand by that.

 

jean: Kaeya, I would appreciate it if you spoke in a more formal manner.

 

kaeya: sure thing will do ma'am 😐

 

 


--------------------

y/n moment

 

aether added kaeya 

 

kaeya: so these are the participants for the play?

 

kaeya: aether, hu tao, xingqiu, xingyan, amber, venti, diluc, razor and mona

 

aether: yessir

 

kaeya: okay good you pass

 

kaeya: be there by monday 9am

 

aether: wait that’s it?

 

kaeya: yeah be there or be square

 

kaeya left the group chat

 

amber: why is he even a student counciler again 

 

aether: beats me

 

xingqiu: do you guys wanna go through the script again 

 

diluc: are you sure we’re doing this?

 

xingqiu: stfu youre a tree you cant say shit

 

diluc: ffs i better get that shrek hologram

 

xingqiu: what?

 

diluc: nothing




Chapter Text

monday 6:20am

orgy in the backseat

 

childe: hey

 

diluc: shut the fuck up you regurgitated cum bubble

 

childe: damn who hurt you today

 

xingqiu: please excuse my fellow club member

 

xingqiu: he just didn't get his daily dose of kaeya slander that's all

 

aether: not that

 

aether: its stage fright

 

aether: don't worry my g no one will notice you

 

xingqiu: as if a big ass tree with red ahoges sticking out isn’t conspicuous

 

diluc: forget it

 

diluc: just don't mess this up

 

xingqiu: rest assured im not planning on doing so

 

xingqiu: students from inazuma academy are coming and i’m not passing on this opportunity to show off

 

childe: im excited to see your play too

 

childe: any leaks

 

aether: sorry homie no can do

 

zhongli: Hello, everyone. The student council committee put in a lot of effort to organise this festival, so do enjoy yourselves. We aim to publicise our school through this festival as well, so walk-ins are allowed. Simply put, students from Inazuma might pay us a visit. I know very well of the rivalry between our two academies, hence please do not get into any fights or brawls with the students there. Doing so would not put our school in a positive light. 

 

childe: oh i understand okay!

 

aether: says the guy who got into a fight with itto

 

xingqiu: wait who tf is itto 

 

hu tao: musty white haired looking ass himbo

 

xingqiu: is he that guy who apparently almost died in a ramen eating competition 💀

 

aether: that’s him alright 

 

xiangling: now how on earth is that even possible

 

xiangling: i myself am an extreme food fanatic, but the possibility of dying from ramen consumption is absurdly low

 

xiangling: as low as the chances of childe getting bitches

 

aether: impossible you mean

 

childe: hey why did this change to bullying me

 

mona: they call it fate

 

mona: decided by destiny

 

childe: ew astrology

 

mona: WHAT 

 

childe: the stars are fake 😹

 

mona: then explain how i know that you gushed over a picture of zhongli for 2 hours straight

 

childe: HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT

 

childe: wait no i mean i didn’t 

 

childe: stop capping

 

mona: say that to yourself

 

childe: what’s wrong with me looking at a picture of zhongli

 

childe: its not like i have feelings for him or something psh

 

aether: friendly word of advice you are not being discreet 😟

 

hu tao: homie down bad..

 

hu tao: hey great astrologist mona tell me

 

hu tao: will my business bloom in the future

 

mona: lol no but if it does you should be worried

 

hu tao: damn being a funeral director is hard

 

hu tao: im gonna use the school festival as a business opportunity and promote my latest coffin deal 🙏‼️

 

zhongli: Director I do not think that is a good idea.

 

hu tao: dont worry old man it’ll be fine trust me 😍

 

aether: famous last words

 

hu tao: stfu you skank ass hoe business requires strategy 

 

aether: L + ratio

 

aether: i ain't hearing shit coming from some mf running a funeral parlour 

 

hu tao: i bet you wipe your ass standing up

 

aether: who told you that

 

hu tao: i fucking knew it

 

hu tao: you nasty as hell bitch 

 

hu tao: your mom probably got a cardiac arrest when she saw your face for the first time 

 

aether: nah your mom slapped you twice to confirm which end was which 

 

hu tao: alright thats cool and all but tell me why when your mom walked past the tv hunter x hunter released a new season 

 

aether: run that shit back

 

aether: your mom was so fucking stupid she got fired from a blowjob

 

aether: people break into her mfing house just to close the curtains

 

aether: you be going on about my mom when your fucking granpa as dead as the joke you just made

 

hu tao: shut yo musty dusty crusty basic blonde bitch looking ass

 

hu tao: i could hit a homerun from your eyebrows to your hairline

 

hu tao: youll never have to worry about showing up on r/whoosh because nothing is going over that fucking head of yours

 

aether: you think you’re so fucking funny huh

 

aether: you wouldn't even get laid if you crawled up a chicken’s ass and pretended to be an egg

 

childe: damn i felt that one

 

mona: okay now kiss and make out

 

hu tao: 😘

 

hu tao: big slobbering kiss to my boy aether 

 

aether: 😍🥰😘

 

aether: no hetero tho