Work Header

teyvets’ drug cartel

Chapter Text

thursday 3:38pm

orgy in the backseat


venti: i don't see you there kazuha


venti: was i too intimidating that you decided to back out?


kazuha: you wish


kazuha: im behind you 😐


venti: oh god you scared the living crap out of me


thursday 6:50pm 

orgy in the backseat


lumine: so who won


hu tao: that mf venti got trashed so hard 😹


lumine: @aether you owe me 10,000 mora


aether: damn it


aether: i shouldn't have expected much from some homeless bard who doesn't pay his taxes 


mona: @kazuha you’re the star of the show


mona: anything you wanna say 🎤


kazuha: caw caw motherfuckers


lumine: you didn't have to get so political 🙄


kazuha: sorry i had to educate my fellow peers


lumine: understandable


childe: i could solo kazuha any day tho 🙏


kazuha: i refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent 


mona: LMFAO


hu tao: apply cold water to the burned area


childe: you’ll be hearing from my lawyer for the emotional damage your slander has caused me 😐


kazuha: you do you i guess


childe: are you mocking me???


childe: i’ll have you know im one of the richest in liyue


childe: i’ll sue u 


kazuha: ok


mona: mf aint even taking you seriously stop embarrassing yourself 💀


hu tao: who even would tho


xingqiu: ken would


childe: who’s ken


thursday 8:10pm

orgy in the backseat


albedo: hello everyone, im doing an experiment and just so happen to require a test subject 


albedo: any takers?


albedo: im willing to pay a reasonable amount per hour 


mona: is our safety guaranteed?


albedo: unfortunately, no


mona: shame i could really use some mora rn


mona:  @childe @childe @childe @childe @childe


childe: check your paypal


mona: ong ily we’re officially besties 


childe: and they say money can’t buy you happiness 


bennett: >replying to albedo

                im willing


albedo: great! please meet me behind campus 


bennett: will do


amber: hi guys! someone left their spongebob themed socks lying in the eastern dormitory, does it belong to any of you? if so please meet me at the cafeteria


beidou: spongebob 💀


diluc: it could be kaeya’s




kaeya: i have the lightning mcqueen ones instead


diluc: how’s that supposed to make it any better


rosaria: kaeya owns disney themed socks pft


kaeya: stfu


venti: is your child texting about boobs?1!?1!


venti: stfu = shawty those funbags unforgettable 


venti: brb = big round boobsiclss


venti: smh = super mega honkers


venti: tbh = those boobies humongous 


rosaria: ong kaeya you sinner how could you talk about the sacred bouncing entities aka badonkers


beidou: fr and i actually thought you would be a great pirate buddy


beidou: we could’ve been all gang shit </3


kaeya: weren’t you staring at ningguang’s racks jn 😐


beidou: how could i not resist


beidou: if i go on a minute without staring at her i would spontaneously combust


ningguang: beidou i don’t think i’d consider that a compliment 


beidou: just showing my undying love for you bbg 


kaeya: we’re still here yk..


beidou: stay third wheeling 😹


lisa: ong wait do yall hear that loud bang coming from the western wing 


lisa: you know the area near the science lab 




sucrose: mister albedo 😰


yanfei: i don’t think those substances are non-combustible


yanfei: if you wish to continue conducting these experiments you would need a hazardous substances license which i am happy to aid you with obtaining 


hu tao: yanfei..


yanfei: srry got carried away 


venti: um is bennett okay???


yanfei: judging by how the liquid exploded in his fucking face i’d say no


albedo: hey guys bennett here


sucrose: bennett are you injured in any way?


albedo: thankfully no


albedo: however my phone got blasted into pieces of shrapnel 


lisa: oh


venti: oh


yanfei: is this the 4th time it has happened this week..?


albedo: yeah im used to it


yanfei: oh


albedo: albedo here, and i apologise for the disturbance i might have caused


venti: don’t sweat it man i managed to escape from xiao because of the explosion


hu tao: is it about the toilet thing lmfao


venti: sadly xiao doesn’t understand the art of toilet-papering the walls


lisa: fill me in on the details babes xx


hu tao: venti threw toilet paper balls onto the boys bathroom ceiling now they’re just hanging down like a saggy nutsack


hu tao: vrd86.png


yanfei: LMFAO


venti: how my balls be looking like on a hot summer day


kaeya: enough of talking about venti’s balls who wanna go ding dong ditching with me 


yanfei: not me frfr


venti: sorry homie but nahhh


albedo: no


hu tao: count me out


kaeya: 😐


albedo: i’d prefer to talk about venti’s testicles


hu tao: testicles 💀


yanfei: vent(est)i(cles)


venti: yanfe(p)i(ss)


yanfei: guys that is not true i do not have a piss kink 🥺 !


hu tao: didn't you say you’d drink my piss …?


yanfei: sorry my piss kink was a lie i am in fact yourmomsexual


venti: you three timing son of a bitch


venti: what happened to the times you kissed me under the starry night promising that i was your one and only 


venti: and when you got down on your knees and confessed the love you had for me, was that a lie too?


yanfei: i..


hu tao: perhaps we weren’t meant to be together


hu tao: let’s leave her venti


venti: yeah.. we deserve much more than some cheating scoundrel


albedo: damn


albedo: i am astounded by how the conversation managed to change into this


yanfei: i am too 


yanfei: why tf am i branded as a cheater just because i fucked your mom???


yanfei:  it's no big deal calm down broski 😹


hu tao: yk what is big tho


hu tao: my 13 inch monster cock