Work Header

teyvets’ drug cartel

Chapter Text

monday 2:29am

venti created a group “ one hot mf and twenty other users ig ”

venti added 20 contacts


venti: would you guys be there for me if i was going through something?


diluc: no, absolutely not.


aether: ofc not lmao


lumine: i hope it emotionally scars u for the rest of ur life <3


aether: you**, your**


lumine: and this is why im the better twin:


jean: >replying to venti 

            i would, if you weren’t texting at this hour smh


kaeya: guys don’t let venti’s question distract you from the fact that im that one hot mf in the group title 


childe: i think you meant me** aha 


kaeya: wouldn’t that just be me again 🤨


lumine: braincells flew out of the window


aether: what your attention should really be brought to is the fact that venti spelled 20 out


childe: #cancelventi


venti: you talk big for someone who stinks like the massive, most scrumptious dumpy i took jn


childe: tmi 😟


kaeya: >replying to venti



mona: screenshotting and saving this under my blackmail folder 


lumine: can’t say i didn't expect any less from kaeya


aether: >replying to mona

              how much would it cost to buy your entire collection?


mona: 6 figures


aether: deal.


diluc: aether i’ll sponsor you 


kaeya: brother… how could you do this to me </3


xiao: its 2 in the morning everyone stfu especially you venti


venti: bbbut i didn't even say anything


rosaria: your presence alone already radiates enough degenerate aura i can smell your stinky unwashed ass all the way from the girls dorm


lumine: ^


aether: ^


diluc: ^


xiao: ^


mona: ^


childe: ^


kaeya: ^


lumine: bbbut shut yo bitchass up lmfao 


mona: can we all just agree that venti slander is the best slander


childe: another day another slay


aether: you ain't got no input in this 


aether: you’re another one of those stinky mfs 😐


jean: guys go to sleep we have a test tomorrow 


kaeya: i’ll copy off you tyvm 🙏


rosaria: yall he doesn’t know that we will be changing seats tmrw 


diluc: you’re sitting next to venti good luck


diluc: actually no i hope you fail miserably 


venti: i feel like i'm being indirectly attacked rn


jean: for the love of god, go to sleep 


kaeya: yes ma’am 


monday 8:01am

venti: g’morning to all you whores! 


hu tao: hey mamas


jean: @everyone today we’ll be having a test at approximately 9:15 in the morning! you have more than an hour to do some extra revision so make use of your time wisely


childe: we’re fucked


xiao: you’re speaking only for yourself here


aether: >replying to childe 



kaeya: @childe i got the answer sheets dw brotha


venti: so we all in this tgth 🙏


diluc: whatever they’re up to, it isn’t good


diluc: they should be stopped immediately


lumine: nono i want to see how this plays out 


aether: it’d probably end incredibly well with them acing the test or some pipe in the bathroom exploding 


aether: either ways both are things i would pay to see happen


hu tao: english is a difficult subject. it can be understood through tough thorough thought though 


kaeya: say it 5 times quickly


venti: tru tuff toro tot tho


albedo: im gonna shove hydrogen cyanide down your throat if you don't stfu 😐


kaeya: in a kinky way orrrr


diluc: someone call pest control please


lumine: kaeya does not deserve any human rights 😨


aether: we been knew


rosaria: kaeya i will uppercut punch you, dropkick you, and then proceed to decapitate you 


keqing: i was away for a few hours and already so much has happened but one thing that we can all collectively agree on is that kaeya is absolutely revolting 


beidou: i second that


venti: not trying to brag or anything but i can wake up without an alarm clock because of my crippling and overwhelming anxiety 


xiao: venti i hate you with every inch of my body.


childe: that's not alot of inches tho


mona: childe, i'm saying this so that the expensive carpet wouldn’t be full of blood stains again, run as fast as you can.


aether: again? ayo???


keqing: apparently someone died in our class before 




hu tao: rip bozo 🤣🙏‼️


venti: a fellow comrade has fallen 


venti: let us give a moment of silence to commemorate them


hu tao: brb guys im getting my oak wood coffin ready for childe tartaglia 


lumine: update, zhongli interfered 


lumine: 3 people had to hold xiao back 💀


aether: xiao pummeled childe tartaglia to the floor


aether: it was a one sided beating 


hu tao: did anyone get that shit on camera?


mona: i did


hu tao: sweet. don't forget to upload it to a hard drive


aether: another addition to your blackmail material ig


childe: hey guys


diluc: >replying to childe

           you got your face chewed off by a 5 feet tall gremlin 


diluc: weak as hell


kaeya: dude u good? 


childe: well apart from a couple of broken bones and severe psychological distress i’d say i’m doing great 


childe: my hair isn’t messed up anyways so im good to go


lumine: trying to impress a certain dark haired tall guy with amber eyes huh


hu tao: damn i wonder who it’d be


hu tao: does he work as my assistant or not idk


aether: childe tartaglia you aint lowkey in the least bit


aether: we all know who you’re trying to impress 


kaeya: lmao he went offline


zhongli: Good morning everyone. The test will be starting shortly, so please keep away any mobile devices or notes,etc. Goodluck on the test.


venti: damn it's already 9 that was fast


jean: venti get off your fucking phone and start preparing 


kaeya: yoo jean snapped



monday 9:35am

venti: math section a q6


kaeya: 2


aether: q18


kaeya: 4


kaeya: thats 100 mora


childe: wb q9&12


kaeya: 1,2


childe: >replying to kaeya

             put it under my tab


venti: ily no homo tho


hu tao: gay gay homosexual gay


mona: wait a sec aren’t we having a test rn


keqing: yeah how are yall on this 


lumine: ^ both of you are one to talk 


mona: im using my old nokia lmfao


aether: ew zhongli kinnie 


childe: not anymoreee 


childe: im getting zhongli a new phone after this


venti: im not gay he says


kaeya: any other questions? my income comes directly from this


aether: q31 pls


kaeya: 3


venti: this is psychological torture 


lumine: i saw cogwheels turning in ur brain trying to figure out how to spell psychological 


venti: cry about it lmfao



monday 12:05pm

hu tao created a group “ homiesexual ”

hu tao added 11 contacts


xingqiu: im not saying im obsessed but if chongyun told me to jump off a cliff i’d cartwheel towards the edge and do a backflip 


hu tao: he read that


xiangling: what do you have to say about this @chongyun


chongyun: >replying to xingqiu

                   i would jump off a cliff for you too as a friend ofc


yanfei: 💀


hu tao: f 


bennett: dont worry xingqiu you still have a chance lol


fischl: my fellow companions, thou has been graced with my transcendent presence! i see a dear acquaintance in a state of unease.. fret not, for i, fischl shall spare you of your worries


xinyan: what 


hu tao: chuuni syndrome lmao


fischl: such insolence! what you have just said was the most insulting thing that has ever fallen upon my auricle


fischl: actually forget it fuck you


xingqiu: you know its getting serious when fischl drops her sophisticated style of speech 


xiangling: yanfei should know she talks in intellectual 


yanfei: i’ll doxx u stfu


xiangling: it was a compliment tho???


xingqiu: feeling cute might commit arson later


hu tao: caught in 4k 📸 


chongyun: didn’t you burn down the western wing last week 🤨


hu tao: i don't stoop so low tf


hu tao: is this what you think of me? #beetrayel


barbara: bitch i got it on camera 


yanfei: would be a shame if i… hacked into barbara's software system and broadcast the video to the entire school


xinyan: please do


bennett: i stand by xinyan


xingqiu: wrongdoers should be prosecuted 🙏‼️


hu tao: i hate all of you i'm going to blast 100 gecs at 3am


xinyan: a banger tho


hu tao: yall is it just me or is our science human body model smirking at me


xingqiu: nah hu tao its just your sleep deprivation in action


hu tao: if you dont stop i’ll make your penis into penwas 


xiangling: banger tweet???


babara: everything hu tao says is iconic fr


chongyun: guys keep your phones i can hear mdm ping approaching


xinyan: you’re right omg bye everyone


xingqiu: bye xinyan bye hu tao bye bennett bye babara bye chongyun bye yanfei bye xiangling bye fischl bye chongyun 


yanfei: you said bye chongyun twice 


xingqiu: its chongyun appreciation day