Chapter 1: Confession
Ohm had been only fourteen when he had entered the world of BL. Back at that time, he had not known what he was signing for. His only wish had been to become an actor and he had been willing to do whatever it took to accomplish this wish. It hadn't been all that hard to land his first role, with his looks and the youth reflected in his face. It usually went like that when it came to BL, he would later learn. They scouted boys not for their talent, but for their pretty faces and how much they could handle skin-ship with other boys. It hadn't been too hard to land a role, but it had been hard to navigate the world once inside of it.
Ohm soon learnt that he wasn't only being paid to play his role on a drama, but for much more. As a BL actor, you were expected to act a certain way even behind cameras. You were not only expected to be an actor, but a director as well. A director for your own made-up love story. Put a smile on, always make sure to summon fondness when you look at your co-star, give as much PDA as you possibly can. If you did this, no matter how shitty the storyline of the drama was, it would still sell and your position in this world would remain. It was like being on a play, one that didn't end after the curtains fell. One where the most important part to the play was not the play itself but everything that followed. Ohm knew how to play his part in this play. He was a great actor, after all. Which is why he can't comprehend when was that he had started falling for his own tricks and believing his own lies.
If he was honest, he knows it was his fault. Ohm clearly remembers the day the line had started blurring between him and his new co-star, Nanon. Oh, Nanon. He had taken Ohm by surprise and like a violent wave, it had brought him down to his knees and now he felt like he was sinking in tumultuous waters.
The thing that made Nanon different from his past co-stars was that they had already been close from the start, There had never been any falsity to the fondness that he felt for him. They had chosen each other and although at the beginning Ohm had doubted their chemistry, he soon realized that they had everything to become the next big ship. Ohm had been ecstatic as they acted their parts on Bad Buddy. He felt that he had finally found his ideal partner, the person that would accompany him for a long time in this journey.
Ohm that had worked in the industry for too long, had realized the importance of finding your ideal partner. Everyone around him in the company had found theirs, but it seemed that none of his pairings had been successful. It wasn't that they had no chemistry, but something was always lacking. No one would stay for too long before moving on to the next project. And the ship would cease to exist.
At the beginning, Ohm hadn't worried too much about it, but as time passed and he watched his colleagues find their perfect match, he had started longing for one. There wasn't anything romantic about it, don't get him wrong. It was more about stability, both emotional and well... monetary. If only he had a partner, then that would give him more work and increase his fame. But more than that, it would give him a shoulder to lean on, someone who he could talk to when life as a celebrity got too exhausting. Ohm had never been a person of too many friends, and he longed for that emotional support. For that reason, he had eagerly accepted his role as Pat in Bad Buddy after he had heard who his partner would be. Nanon Kirdpan, one of the very few persons he actually considered a friend and trusted.
He had thought that Nanon would be the perfect candidate for his "ideal partner" for three reasons. First, they were already friends, which meant they already knew enough of each other and felt comfortable with each other. Ohm was sure that there wouldn't be any awkwardness during workshop and shooting and that Nanon would listen to his advice without taking offense if it ever came to it. Second, Nanon was a great actor. Ohm had already seen him act and had acted alongside him in Blacklist the series. He trusted his friend in putting everything to his role. Lastly, Nanon was very handsome. Although he did not fit the usual stereotypes for a bottom in a BL show, he was very handsome and would add a new look to the genre. Ohm truly thought they looked good together. After considering all of this, he had accepted his role. Back then, he had not thought that it would be a risky decision and that the friendship that existed between them would be put in jeopardy due to it.
But now, as he sits down on the floor and contemplates the past six months, he can't help but wonder if he had made the right choice back then. Ohm closes his eyes and tries recalling the day everything started going awry.
"Do you ever feel like, a part of your character is stuck living inside of you? As if Pat was still living in the deepest parts of your soul?" Nanon had suddenly blurted out as they cuddled together on the bed, a marvel movie playing on the TV screen. It was quite common for them to cuddle. Even before they had become Pat and Pran, they had been Ohm and Nanon. And Ohm and Nanon loved cuddling. There was something so innocent and warm about cuddling your close friends. It had always given a sense of comfort to Ohm. Although Nanon had not been all that compliant at the start, he soon had realized that he couldn't say no to his friend.
"Not really. But then again, I don't do method acting like you do. My roles don't live inside of me, Nanon, they live through me. Once their story ends so their link with me." Ohm had responded nonchalantly, without even sparing the other a glance. The silence that had followed had been what made him turn to look at his friend and say, "Why? Do you still feel like Pran?"
Nanon had shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly before responding solemnly, "You know I struggle with this, Ohm. When I was Pang, it took me a long time before I could shed him off. Pran hasn't given me as much trouble, but sometimes I still feel him within me."
Ohm nodded his head and returned his focus to the television screen. He couldn't say he related to the way his friend felt. To Ohm, roles were only roles. He could get lost in them momentarily as he acted them in front of the camera, but the moment they screamed "CUT!" the veil would fall from his eyes and he would be back at being just himself, just Ohm. He had never allowed himself to get too lost in character, therefore he had never experienced what his friend did.
This didn't mean that he didn't understand what his friend was going through. He had seen how hard it had been for Nanon to shed his previous roles, and how much distress it had put him through. Ohm sometimes feared that after playing so many roles, Nanon would inevitably lose his own identity. This was something that had given Ohm many sleepless nights, wondering and wondering...
If his friend took the personality of a different person every time he chose a new role, then who was his friend in the end?
He couldn't help wondering what it felt to see everything from his friend's point of view, what it felt to be stuck in character even after the story ended.
He tried to focus but his thoughts kept wandering. Unable to handle it anymore, he decided to ask what was plaguing his mind, "What do you feel when you are Pran?"
Apparently Ohm had been lost in his thoughts for longer than he thought because when he spoke, his friend flinched. Nanon looked at him in stunned silence for a moment, before bringing himself to respond, "I wouldn't know how to explain it. It's as if a part of me is Pran and a part of me is myself, Nanon. Sometimes I see things that I myself wouldn't like but find myself attracted to them because of him. It's really confusing sometimes."
Ohm snorted for a moment, before blurting out, "Do you ever see me and find me attractive because Pran does?" He was expecting to make his friend laugh, or at least smile, but his friend only responded with awkward silence. Ohm furrowed an eyebrow and stared at Nanon's eyes for a moment, encouraging him to elaborate, but his friend kept his mouth shut which gave him the answer he was looking for.
"Y-you do?!" Ohm felt shocked at this admission, but something about it made his heart pound faster too.
"I-I wouldn't necessarily say I feel attracted to you. It's more like..." Nanon stuttered for a moment, feeling flustered all of a sudden as he tried to put words to the way he felt. He knew that Ohm wouldn't make fun of him, and that the way he was reacting was only due to shock more than anything. "Sometimes I miss you, but I don't think I am really missing you because I like... see you every day," Nanon takes a moment to roll his eyes, before continuing, "I think I miss Pat."
Ohm had seen it coming, but something about the confession made his heart itch. "Can you elaborate on that?" For some reason, Ohm had decided to prod. He didn't know why his heart felt itchy. He wasn't hurt at the fact that his friend had told him that it wasn't him who he missed, but his fictional role and yet, he felt restless. It was as if a mosquito had bit into his heart, and now he just wanted to scratch at the sting. If he was honest, he didn't know why he suddenly felt curious about Nanon's predicament. All he knew is that he wanted to keep digging, keep scratching at the itch.
Nanon was about to open his mouth to explain himself when he closed it again and contemplated. Half a minute went by of anxious anticipation coming from Ohm, before Nanon finally continued with caution, "Promise me you won't judge me if I tell you."
It's not that Nanon didn't trust Ohm or thought that he would make fun of him or use his weakness against him later on. He fully trusted him. He just wanted to gather a bit more of time to prepare what he was going to say. Nanon had always been careful with his words and with what he revealed of himself. He didn't want to say too much.
"Of course! I promise! I would never judge you for anything, Nanon. You are my best friend." Ohm had taken both of his hands and moved to sit in front of him, a heartwarming smile plastered on his face.
"Okay..." Nanon didn't know why he felt breathless suddenly, but his heart felt as if it was about to burst. It was almost as if he was about to confess to a crush, as if he was about to give a speech in front of an audience back during his elementary days.
Taking a deep breath, he started spilling words, "You know I've always seen you as my friend, my best friend. You and Chimon are everything to me, Ohm. You are the only real friends I've had, and I would do anything for the two of you."
"I know, and trust me, Chimon and I share the same sentiment." Ohm rushed to assure his friend, tightening the grip on his hands. He didn't understand where his friend was going with this, but he wanted him to know that he would meet him right there. No matter what, Ohm would always be there for his friend.
"But sometimes, just sometimes, I fantasize about more, you know. It's as if my inner Pran misses your inner Pat and then before I know it, I am holding myself from doing something out of line." Nanon felt as if a weight had been lifted from his chest. These were thoughts that he had been ashamed of revealing, thoughts that had left him drained.
Nanon was someone who often got lost in his thoughts. He was an overthinker by nature and perhaps that was the reason why he had been having an identity crisis. He often wondered who he was. If his thoughts reflected those of his roles, then what thoughts were really his?
Just like with his previous roles, a part of Pran had taken lodging inside his heart. Pran had been slightly different from his previous roles, however. He didn't feel depressed as he did when he had been Pang. In the contrary, people said that he smiled more after becoming Pran and it was true, he felt happier now. Pran had brought a different sort of trouble. His feelings for Ohm had morphed into those of Pran and he absolutely hated it. It wouldn't bother him this much if they weren't best friends. But since Ohm had been his best friend for years, it made him feel conflicted and guilty.
It had even changed the way he behaved around Ohm and he had grown afraid that the latter would notice it. And if he did notice it, how would he react? But now that he was confessing all of these emotions, he realized that his friend would be understanding and wouldn't judge him.
Grabbing all the courage that he could, he decided to go all the way. "I've had all sort of different scenarios in my head. I've thought about hugging you, kissing you and even further than that, I've thought about doing dirty things with you!" He confessed fully scandalized. "It's so frustrating! This is not the way I should feel about you, and trust me, I don't have feelings for you. My Pran just happens to have feelings for your Pat!"
He had finalized his confession by hiding his face within his hands and screaming to the void. Although it felt liberating to let his feelings out, he couldn't help the shame that crept through him.
Ohm didn't know what he was expected to say in this situation. His ears were ringing and his mind was blank. The itch in his heart had not been sedated. Instead, it had grown stronger and now he just wanted to rip his heart out and scratch it himself.
After a moment in stunned silence, Ohm let out a sigh and looked at his friend who was still hiding his face behind his palms. Regardless of how he felt about the situation, he just wanted to soothe the distress in his friend's face.
"It's alright, Nanon. Don't cry." Ohm started patting his friend's shoulder in a comforting motion, before grabbing his friend's hands in an attempt to pry them from his face. "Look at me," Ohm requested of him, and once his friend did, he gave his friend a reassuring smile, "It's okay! Smile for me, na?"
Nanon didn't smile at first, but after a few more attempts, Ohm managed to get a tiny smile. Upon seeing the almost non-existent smile in his friend's face, Ohm brought him into his arms, "It's alright, Nanon. You don't have to feel ashamed of the way you feel. I told you I would never judge you, and I was being real when I said that."
"What if I ate my own boogers?" Nanon muttered into his friend's shirt, feeling his nose run as he cried.
"Except that." Ohm snorted before he grabbed his friend from his biceps and brought him out of his embrace. "Look at you! Your nose is all runny now! Let's clean it"
[The Beginning of The End]
Although the conversation ended right there, it continued playing in Ohm's mind for days to come. It should've ended at that, Ohm knew that. But for some reason he couldn't get Nanon's words out of his head.
I've thought about hugging you, kissing you and even further than that, I've thought about doing dirty things with you!
Those damned lines kept replaying over and over in his head day and night, like a broken record.
Ohm didn't understand himself. Nanon was only his friend and he only saw him as that. He had never fantasized about doing those things with him, why now? Maybe this whole disorder Nanon had was contagious because now he also missed being able to hug and kiss his co-star.
The itch in his heart had grown stronger over the days, driving him to the border of insanity.
Ohm wanted to scream in frustration.
"If you miss Pat so much, why don't you just use me instead?" He had blurted out one day, out of nowhere as they hang at his house like every other weekend. He had wanted to take those words back -no, Ohm, don't go there, this is dangerous territory, retreat, retreat- but words were something that couldn't disappear once they were spoken, Ohm knew this.
Nanon had looked at him in confusion, as if that confession had never existed between them. "What's gotten into you? What are you talking about?" He had asked instead, giving him a puzzled look.
"Remember that conversation we had last week? The one where you told me you missed Pat sometimes." Ohm looked at him expectantly, hoping that the confession had been as important to Nanon as it had been to him.
When his friend nodded apprehensively, Ohm continued, threading cautiously through unknown territory, "I have been thinking about it, and I realized that I also miss Pran sometimes. So I thought that maybe we could use each other..." Ohm furrowed his eyebrows at his last sentence, thinking that it sounded too dirty, too impure, before adding, "we could act our parts to put out this longing. Perhaps if we act on our feelings, they might go away faster."
"Are you suggesting that we play our roles until we get tired of them?" Nanon frowned but his heart was racing at the prospect of his friend's suggestion.
"Kinda, but not necessarily. I'm just saying that if we ever miss the other's character, we can do something about it instead of suppressing it. For example, if you ever feel like hugging me because you miss Pat, I wouldn't mind if you did. The same with kissing. I am not too sure about the dirty things you mentioned though..." Ohm felt nervous all of a sudden, and decided to add, "But only if you want."
Before he realized it, Nanon had jumped into his arms and was embracing him tightly. "I do..." Nanon whispered into his neck, sounding relieved, making Ohm's breath stop for a moment. Once Ohm had gotten rid of his initial shock, he wrapped his arms across his friend's back, holding him with as much fervor.
"I missed you so much, Pat." Nanon muttered as he hid his face in the hollow space between his neck and his shoulder. Ohm felt his heart stop at the mention of a name that wasn't his. The itch in his heart continued growing stronger, and he just couldn't understand why. What was wrong with him? Why did his heart still feel constricted?
He wanted to scream in frustration and push Nanon away. He wanted to scream at him, to grab him by the shoulders and shake him, telling him, "This is your fault! I am like this because of you!"
And yet, all he could bring himself to respond was, "Me too, Pran."
After a few minutes that felt like eternity, Nanon let go of his embrace and looked at him tentatively. There was something in his eyes, something that screamed of danger and Ohm felt like he was about to be swallowed into the black hole of his eyes. It was a sort of look that he had never seen coming from his friend. The way his eyes were suddenly glossy, as if he was running a fever. It almost felt as if it was something forbidden, a place that Ohm shouldn't travel, a sight he shouldn't be able to see on normal circumstances. But their circumstances were no longer "normal" and without sparing another thought, Ohm leaned down and captured Nanon's lips in a kiss.
When their lips touched it was electrifying. It was as if he was traveling a land that was entirely new and yet gave him a sense of deja vu. His heart felt constricted inside his ribcage and although the kiss was nothing out of the ordinary nor was it full of passion, it felt as if he could die at any moment.
Nanon's lips were soft and plump. Had they always been this way and if they were, why had he not noticed it before? Ohm didn't keep himself from giving them a small nip, feeling his friend shudder in front of him. He licked them lightly, trying to soothe them before parting away to stare at the latter.
Nanon looked at him dazedly, his lips looking as if they had been ravaged for hours and not for a couple of minutes. As Ohm stared at him properly, he couldn’t help but feel as if he was seeing Nanon for the first time. There was something different about him. This wasn’t their first kiss nor their second, yet it felt as if he had never seen him looking like this before. It was as if he was glowing. Ohm couldn’t help wonder if this was the expression he wore post coital.
This thought brought the rise of a more mortifying thought. He couldn’t help but think about those embarrassing words his friend had said during his confession the other day. If Nanon and him were to do dirty things…how would it be? Would Nanon give him the same look he was giving him now, or would his expression be even more intense? How would Nanon look if-Ohm stopped himself before his mind could continue that train of thought. What the fuck was wrong with him? Why was he suddenly having dirty thoughts about his best friend?!
Ohm suddenly couldn't look at his friend in the eye anymore. He felt conflicted. He knew he had lied to his friend. He didn't miss Pran. If he was honest, he had never missed Pran to begin with. He was fictional for fucks sake. That had only been an excuse to get his friend to agree to his plan. He thought that maybe if they kissed and hugged, he would be able to get rid of those consuming thoughts. But now as he sat in front of Nanon, all he felt was shame and confusion.
"Something's wrong?" Nanon seemed to notice his change in demeanor and looked at him with concern. Ohm couldn't bring himself to tell him what he felt, especially since he didn't even know what he felt himself. "No, there's not." He faked a smile instead and embraced him again, hiding his face in the space between Nanon's neck and shoulder and taking a deep breath.
"There's nothing wrong." He had told his friend, but then why did it keep feeling as if everything was slowly coming undone.
That had not been the only time in which Ohm had kissed his friend. As a matter of fact, it had been only the beginning of the end. Now that Ohm knew how Nanon tasted, he had become greedy. It should've gone according to plan, it should've been left at that, but instead, Ohm had started wanting more. The itch had only grown stronger and Ohm had found it incredibly hard to stop scratching. It was just like a mosquito sting. Once you started scratching it was almost impossible to stop. The best remedy would've been to leave it alone since the beginning, but it was already too late for that.
And Nanon didn't look as if he was doing much better. He never complained about it, and Ohm would take advantage of it until his friend called it quits.
It was like playing a game of gay chicken. Just that what was in question wasn't their manhood. It wasn't about who was gay and who could take it to the next extreme before stepping back. After all, they were BL actors. They were used to acting close to their male companions. Ohm specially was used to it. He no longer minded kissing or hugging Nanon. He had never had a problem with it to begin with.
This was about who could shed off their roles first. Ohm knew that it wouldn't be him because there was nothing for him to shed off to begin with. It would be Nanon. He would be the one to put an end to "this", to whatever they had. Ohm wondered how long it would take him to shed his Pran skin and return to being just Nanon, the boy who wasn't head over heels in love with him. The boy who didn't kiss him so tenderly and whose arms held him as if he was holding the world.
His heart swelled inside of his ribcage, making him feel as if he couldn't breathe properly.
"Is there anything wrong?" Nanon had looked at him with concern. "You look constipated, suddenly."
They had been kissing for who knows how long and without realizing it, Ohm had stopped being as responsive. He had gotten lost in thought again. This was something that was becoming more and more common. Nanon was supposed to be the overthinker, why did it suddenly feel as if their roles had been reversed? Ohm felt frustrated.
Ohm shook his head, putting his thoughts to rest for the moment before pulling Nanon back towards him and kissing him fiercely. His lips tasted of the pizza they had been eating before they had decided that they wanted to eat each other instead.
Just like that, a month went by. Days were passing way too fast for Ohm's liking. Every day that went by made him feel more anxious, wondering when Nanon would finally put a stop to their relationship. He wasn't sure if he wanted to stop. His feelings for his best friend were slowly changing. He wanted to pretend and lie to himself, but he knew that it wouldn't help his case. He was starting to grow a certain attachment to his best friend. He wasn't sure what he felt- he didn't want to believe that he was in love with him, but then what were those feelings blooming in his chest as if they were flowers in a garden?
On the other hand, it seemed that Bad Buddy had been a hit. More and more work kept coming for them as a unit and it was getting harder to forget about Nanon when he was always there. He was always there with his cute dimples and those eyes that could hold an entire galaxy within them.
Ohm thought it was truly unfair.
Hello, everyone! I am back!! How has everyone been? Did yall watch the last episode of Bad Buddy? If so, TELL ME UR FEELINGS CUZ I AM DYING HERE! SUCH A GREAT EP!!!
Also, please let me know what you think of the new chapter and of the story overall. If you've got any advice, please let me know.
Lastly, yall can talk to me on my twitter, please follow me at @Aleydaegyo22
Thank you for reading and see you guys next week!
Hushed moans and pants could be heard from inside the janitor closet of the GGMTV building. Ohm kept sucking on Nanon's neck as the latter bit into his own lips, trying to contain his moans from escaping. "P-Pat, don't forget to not leave any bruising!" Nanon forced out in between heavy panting, reminding Ohm to mind his own strength. They had almost gotten caught one time when Ohm had left his neck full of red marks. Nanon didn't want to repeat that uncomfortable conversation his mother had made him go through. What was he supposed to tell her this time? That an imaginary bug had bit him? She wouldn't believe him this time.
Ohm faintly heard him as he licked at Nanon's clavicle. He really didn't care if someone were to open the janitor's closet door and catch them red-handed. At that moment, the only thing on his mind was forcing another moan from the other boy's lips. They happened with more frequency lately. Maybe Nanon was feeling more comfortable with what they were doing and was letting them out more freely, or perhaps it's just that they were growing more bold lately. Whatever it was, Ohm liked hearing Nanon moan. He thought Nanon would sound even better moaning his name.
"Hey, did you not listen to me!" Nanon pushed him away and gave him a playful slap on the shoulder. Ohm felt his heart warm at the action. The tiny slaps were their thing. Ohm and Nanon's thing. He gave his friend a dopey smile before saying, "I did hear you! I won't make any marks, I promise."
He sealed his promise by giving his friend a peck, earning a smile from him. "I think we need to stop now or we will make a mess out of our outfits." Nanon had said softly, looking at him as if he never wanted to stop.
"But I don't want to stoop~ My Pat still misses your Pran~" Ohm whined a tiny bit dramatically. He felt like a fool in love. As if he was on his honeymoon phase and nothing else mattered but the feeling of love.
"I know, I know. But they'll start looking for us if we keep fooling around like this." Nanon reminded him before giving him a peck on the lips, making Ohm giggle happily. They parted from each other and started walking towards the door, to leave the place they had made their encounter site for secret escapades.
"But if you are up to it, maybe we can continue later at my house? My parents won't be home and my sister is going to be at a friend's." Nanon had turned around and thrown the question with caution. He looked timid, even a little afraid, as if he actually was at risk of being rejected. What a fool! As if Ohm would ever reject him when he felt as if he was jumping on clouds at the mention of a continuation.
"Of course!" Ohm exclaimed happily and felt the smile on his mouth widen as he watched Nanon open the door to leave back to the real world.
"Alright, I have to go back to talk to a producer right now for my next big project! I guess I will be seeing you later?" Nanon had given him a quick hug, before hurrying through the corridors and leaving him behind.
Ohm felt anxiety at the mention of a next big project. It had been two months since the last episode of Bad Buddy had aired. It was expected that Nanon needed to have a new project to remain relevant, Ohm knew this perfectly. He, himself, had also started looking for his next big project. However, he couldn't help but feel restless at the prospect of having Nanon on a new project without him. What if Nanon became a different person once he got a new role? What would happen to them then? Ohm was not sure if he felt ready to let go of what they had yet.
"Hey, Ohm. We have to talk." A voice took him out of his thoughts and he felt an arm drag him away. He turned to look at the culprit and found his friend Chimon giving him an accusatory glare.
"What's wrong? Where are we going?" Ohm asked hastily. There was something about the way that Chimon was looking at him that made his gut twist. Chimon ignored him and kept dragging him through the corridor until they arrived at an empty office. Ohm looked around the small, squared room, wondering if they were even allowed to be there. After locking the door, Chimon turned to look at him with a frown plastered across his face.
"You need to stop whatever you have with Nanon." Chimon confronted him, sounding fully entitled. Ohm felt his heart stop before it raced back again at full speed.
"What are you talking about?" He feigned ignorance.
"Don't lie to me. I know what you guys have been up to. I've seen you two." It couldn't be. How had he seen them? They had always made sure that there was no one around, how had he seen them? Had he been spying on them?
"Are you spying on us?" Ohm felt a rush of anger. His hands started shaking and he felt sweat forming at his temple.
"Of course not! I just happened to walk in on you the other day when you guys were making out in the third floor's bathroom! How do you expect me not to find out when you guys aren't being discreet!" Chimon explained, bringing back memories to Ohm's mind. Damn it! He should have listened to Nanon when he had said that the bathroom was a risky place to make out. Ohm had been way too hasty getting his hands on Nanon back then. If only he had not looked as gorgeous as he did that day...
"Look! It doesn't matter how I know. You need to bring a stop to it." Chimon's voice was authoritative and firm. It got on Ohm's nerves. Who was he to decide when he should end it? His mom? Ohm felt annoyed at his friend.
"Why should I? And what does it have to do with you?!" Ohm's voice might've been a little too harsh because he saw his friend flinch and look at him with hurt. Ohm felt a bit guilty at the way he had spoken to him, but he was not going to take his words back. What was it to him? This, whatever "this" was, it belonged to Nanon and him. Ohm was not willing to let an outsider in.
"Ohm... You know how Nanon is. He is only treating you in this way and letting you have his way with him because of Pran. This, whatever you have, is only happening because Nanon is stuck on his role. You should know this already!" He already knew. Chimon's words were nothing new to Ohm. He knew all of this already and yet, they felt like a slap in the face.
"If you really cared about Nanon, you wouldn't be allowing this to happen. You are the reason why Nanon hasn't been able to let go of Pran. You need to stop now before it becomes harder for him to let go." Chimon hit him with a finger that was full of accusation. Ohm remained silent, a thousand thoughts happening at once. He didn't know what to say in his defense. He couldn't say anything in his defense. He knew that his friend was right and that he came from a place of concern. But Ohm was stubborn and he just couldn't bring himself to accept that what he had with Nanon was a tower of lies.
Seeing the dismay in his friend's face, Chimon let out a sigh before placing a hand on his shoulder.
"Look, I will not force you to end it. I also won't tell Nanon I know because knowing him, he will be too embarrassed and will try to avoid me." He paused to contemplate his next words before continuing, "I will just ask you to consider my words. I hope you will make the right decision, my friend."
He looked at Ohm for a moment, waiting for a sign of understanding. All Ohm was able to summon was a resigned nod. It seemed to seal the deal because Chimon sighed one last time before turning around and leaving Ohm with his troubled conscience.
Once alone, Ohm brought his face into his hands and cried. He felt lost, with no direction. He knew that Chimon had told him all of this because he cared for both of them and didn't want to see them hurt. However, he couldn't help but resent him a little for it. He made it seem so easy. What he didn't contemplate was that Ohm had gotten addicted to Nanon and that the mere idea of ending it made Ohm's heart hurt so much that he wanted to cry.
The truth was that Ohm had wanted to ask Nanon about it sometimes. Ask him if there was any chance that Nanon could grow to like him for who he was and not for Pat. But every time he opened his mouth, the fear forced it back closed. Deep inside, Ohm was afraid. Afraid of losing what they had but more than that, he was also afraid of losing his best friend. If Nanon came to know that his feelings had changed, how would he react?
He knew he had betrayed Nanon. He had used him and he continued taking advantage of him. Nanon was living within a fantasy, a fantasy where they were Pat and Pran. But Ohm was living a fantasy where they were Ohm and Nanon. And truly, he didn't know which one was worse.
He was brought out of his thoughts when his phone vibrated on his pocket, signaling an incoming text message.
[Where are you? Are we leaving together?]
Ohm read the text message, feeling conflicted. He had told Nanon they would continue after work. But now, after facing Chimon, he didn't know if he could bring himself to act normal in front of Nanon.
[I don't think I will be able to...] The message was erased before it could be sent.
[I forgot I had to...] The message was erased before it could be sent.
In the end, what he sent was:
[I will see you at the entrance :)) ]
I'm sorry, Chimon. I'm sorry, Nanon. I need more time. Just a little more time to prepare my words and prepare my heart for rejection. Right now, I don't think I would be able to handle it. I will end this another day.
With that thought in mind, he made his way to the entrance to meet the reason for his heartache.
He found him standing at the entrance. He was wearing a pair of jeans and a pink hoodie. It was nothing out of the ordinary and yet, the butterflies in his tummy started flying. Perhaps what he felt for his friend was love, or something else. Maybe it was just a whim, a sudden obsession. It didn't matter to Ohm if he was honest.
He never thought he was gay, but he wasn't against the idea of being bisexual He had always been open to the idea of dating men. He was a BL actor, after all. He had studied the concept enough times in order to portray his roles, and although he still was a bit unfamiliar with what it really was to be in a gay relationship, he wouldn't deny himself if it turned out he was in love with Nanon. He had made research, had even gone to the point of watching gay porn to understand better. And none of the things he had learn had made him want to turn back. He was ready to acknowledge it.
If he were to be in love with Nanon, it would be fine. He could live with that.
Nanon turned to look at him, finally noticing his presence and gave him a dimpled smile before waving at him. Ohm felt warmth spread through his chest at seeing that dimpled smile that he had grown to adore. He hoped that Nanon could always smile for him like this.
Yeah, if he were to be in love with Nanon, he could live with that.
The problem was... if he were to be in love with Nanon, could Nanon live with that?
Hello, everyone! And I am back!! School starts tomorrow and I decided to update before I start being flooded by work!
This chapter happens three months after previous chapter, just so you guys know
Like always, please comment and let me know what you thing, I appreciate it. And let me know what you thought of the last episode of Bad Buddy. I cried so much TT
Oh, I can't be your lover on a leash every other week when you please
Oh, I can't be the kiss that you don't need,
the lie between your teeth,
the cut that always bleeds
Ohm had thought that the things they had done together thus far had reached the ending line and that they wouldn't cross it.
Apparently, he had been wrong.
He got proven wrong a week after his conversation with Chimon.
They had been making out on Ohm's bed like usual and before he realized it, they had ended in a compromising position. Nanon was currently on his lap, and his shirt was disorganized, revealing the skin of his shoulder and collarbone. Ohm had found it impossible to resist and had started mouthing at the patch of bare skin.
Nanon had been moaning as if he was a cat in heat -had he always been this loud? Goddamn, Nanon- and it had been inevitable. There was stimulation coming from so many different places at once. Nanon's grip on his hair, Nanon's lewd moans, the milky skin between Ohm's teeth, the butt that was sitting on top of his crotch. Before he knew what he was doing, he had thrusted upwards, making Nanon gasp and look at him with mortification.
He thought the look Nanon was giving him was ridiculous. Seriously, there was only so much a man could take. Nanon could not expect him to remain flaccid after all of that, could he? Ohm thought to himself. Speaking of, was Nanon as turned on as he was? He had never had the guts to check, too afraid that he wouldn't have the answer he wished for.
"I...I am sorry!" He wasn't feeling necessarily apologetic, but he didn't want to make the other boy uncomfortable. After all, he wasn't sure if Nanon wanted to cross the line. He had told him once that he had thought about doing dirty things with him but he had not mentioned it ever again after his confession that day. Ohm didn't want to bring it up. If Nanon were comfortable with it, wouldn't they have done it already?
Nanon looked at him in silence, analyzing him with a flushed expression. It looked as if he was deliberating something. Ohm wondered what that something was, but he didn't want to pressure him into telling him.
"It's okay. You can do that again if you want." Nanon had muttered silently. It had been so quiet that Ohm had almost missed it. His eyes widened once he registered what Nanon had told him. Was he giving him permission to escalate things?
Ohm's heart was racing inside his chest, a thousand thoughts running through his mind. Would he be able to see more of Nanon, be able to touch him and make him feel good?
He was starting to feel as excited as a dog about to receive a piece of bacon when Chimon's words resounded in his mind:
He is only treating you this way, and letting you have his way with him because of Pran.
His feelings of excitement dimmed considerably. He remained silent, looking blankly at Nanon as his mind provided him with all the reasons why they shouldn't cross the line. Kissing and hugging were one thing, but having sex was something completely different. If it came to be that Nanon regretted it, he wouldn't know how to take it. It could also cause a strain in their friendship after all of this ended.
"Do...do you not want to?" Nanon's voice broke through the voice in his head, and he looked at him to find the latter looking at him. There was dejection and hurt in those features. It was an expression that Ohm hated to see plastered on his friend's face. Shaking his head, he rushed to assure, "It's not that."
"I was just thinking...Are you sure this is what you want?" Ohm asked cautiously, hoping that the other understood what he was agreeing to.
"I do!" Nanon assured him and as he looked down, made a bashful confession, "I've been thinking about it for some time now."
"What if I hurt you?" Ohm insisted, wanting Nanon to be the one to step back because he wouldn't be able to stop himself once they started. Ohm had to admit that he had been fantasizing about escalating things for some time. It wasn't that what they were doing wasn't enough, but he often found himself wondering what it would be like to be able to kiss Nanon in places that were unknown to others. What expressions he would make, how would he sound. Ohm could only expect to look beautiful, like he always did. If they were to start, Ohm was sure that he wouldn't be able to stop himself from devouring Nanon whole.
"We don't have to do "that" if you don't want to. As a matter of fact, I am not sure if I want to do "that". But even if we were to, I trust you." Nanon gave him an assuring smile, full of trust and adoration for his friend. Ohm felt breathless. He didn't know how to feel about the trust his friend had in him. He didn't deserve it, Ohm thought.
Nanon, you shouldn't trust me like this...I am taking advantage of you, can't you see...? I am the worst.
"B-but if you don't feel comfortable, or don't want to do it, we don't have to." Seeing the uncertainty on Ohm's face, Nanon proceeded to assure as if it wasn't Ohm who was dying to get his hands on him.
I will always want you, dummy, Ohm thought as he stared at him. I just wish you wanted me the same way.
Ohm wanted to express all the feelings from his heart, but he had no courage to speak of. In the future, he would come to wonder if their situation would've turned out differently if only he had spoken about them at that time.
Without saying anything Ohm grabbed Nanon by his nape and brought him to his lips. Nanon met him halfway and tightened the grasp on his hair, making Ohm moan into his mouth.
"Nanon, can I take your shirt off?" After a while of making out, Ohm had muttered to his mouth tentatively, being afraid of doing something that the latter didn't want.
Without saying anything, Nanon took his shirt off. The sight of Nanon's bare skin made Ohm feel breathless. It made him forget everything else, made him forget all the reasons why he should stop this. At that moment, the only thing on his mind was the person in front of him, who looked as if he had come out of a dream. As if he had been born for this, he had latched his mouth to the closest patch of skin. After a while of sucking onto the skin of his collarbone and shoulder, he had shamelessly latched onto Nanon's nipple, getting a surprised gasp from the other boy.
Upon hearing the surprised gasp, Ohm looked upwards at Nanon, whose face was sporting a soft pink. "Does it feel good when I lick it here?" He had asked him in between licks and sucks. The truth was that Ohm had experience when it came to making his partners feel good, but all of his partners had been female thus far, so saying that he was traveling foreign territory wasn't entirely wrong. When it came to males, Nanon would be his first and he didn't know what to do to get the best results. He had watched porn, but he knew that porn wasn't the best guide to mind-blowing sex, so he had to guide himself by intuition. He desperately wanted to get the best results, wanted Nanon to feel so good that he would want him again. He wanted to pleasure him in all the ways possible, but he also wanted to go slow, discovering what they both liked and disliked. This was a new experience to both of them and he didn't want to overwhelm his friend.
"Don't ask me that," Nanon frowned and turned away from him. Ohm knew Nanon was only acting like this because he felt shy and embarrassed. Looking at the pink blush that covered his face and traveled all the way to his neck, Ohm could assume that he was feeling really good and didn't want to admit it due to embarrassment. Nanon was truly too cute.
Completely infatuated with the person in front of him, Ohm smiled to himself and continued sucking at Nanon's nipple. Once it was fully perked, he stared at it as if it was a work of art. It was rather strange. He couldn't understand how a flat chest could make him feel so much, but he was rock hard. He wondered if Nanon was having the same issue so without hesitation, he began to unzip the other boy's jeans.
"It's unfair! Why am I the only one stripping?!" Nanon scolded as he suddenly stopped Ohm's wandering hands as they tried to unzip his jeans. "Take yours off too!" Nanon was about to pull Ohm's shirt off, when Ohm stopped him.
"Then, shall we both strip at the same time?" Ohm asked him with a lopsided smile. Ohm felt so giddy he wanted to giggle. For some reason, he didn't feel nervous. It felt natural, as if they had done it many times. Perhaps in an alternative universe, where they were Pat and Pran, this was their everyday. Ohm felt foolish having such thoughts, but love made one foolish and Ohm wanted to believe that at least in an alternative universe they were together out of love. And not due to...whatever the fuck this was.
Nanon nodded his head before getting off his lap and standing up by the side of the bed. Ohm followed him and stood in front of him. They stared at each other for a couple of seconds, seconds that felt like an eternity in Ohm's mind. As he lost himself in the galaxy of Nanon's eyes, Ohm truly thought about telling him. Telling him that he loved him and that he was sorry for ruining everything and breaking his trust like this. But he didn't have the courage.
Ohm had always thought of himself as courageous. Whenever he had a fling, he would be the one to approach the person and ask them out. But in front of Nanon, he had turned into the biggest coward in the world. The truth is that Ohm was terrified. There was too much to lose. Nanon was one of the few persons he considered a friend, and now that he had turned into the person who meant the most to him he just couldn't bear to lose him.
As they looked at each other's eyes, there was a sort of affirmation, an assurance, and then they were moving towards each other like magnets. When they connected, sparks were flying, and it felt as if nothing else mattered but them. Or at least in Ohm's mind.
The thing about them is that they trusted each other completely. There was no fear of getting hurt during sex in either mind: Only trust.
They were also best friends, so there was no awkwardness between them. They could even laugh at each other's inexperience. There was a moment in which Ohm was unzipping Nanon's jeans and Nanon was desperately trying to pull Ohm's shirt off. This made them knock their heads together and they started laughing like maniacs. Ohm's heart warmed at this interaction. He wished that they could always stay like this.
It is an understatement to say that Ohm had been surprised to see that Nanon had been just as aroused as him, his cock flushed and standing proudly. It had only taken Ohm a few seconds that he had spent staring at it in admiration before he had wrapped his hand around it and pushed the other one on the bed.
A few minutes later, they were finally naked on the bed. Nanon was underneath him with his arms around his neck, kissing him passionately. Their tongues were connecting and were having a heated battle with each other. Ohm had wrapped his hand around both of them and was handling them, their precum mixing together.
Ohm still couldn't believe that they were doing this, that Nanon trusted him enough to do this. His heart was beating so fast that it felt like it would burst through his chest. He didn't want this moment to end. He wanted to freeze time and get stuck on this moment.
Ohm stopped kissing Nanon and decided to take a proper look at him instead. He didn't want to miss on the chance of seeing his friend in his vulnerable state. He wasn't sure if he would be able to witness it again; he wanted to engrave it into his memory.
The sight that met him was more than he could ask for. Nanon's cheeks were sporting a pink color that suited him so well and his mouth was parted as he allowed moans through His lips were plump from the kissing and his eyelashes were fluttering as he shook from pleasure. He looked better than he imagined, and Ohm felt the butterflies arise once again. Shit. He had indeed fallen, hadn't he? How was he supposed to let go of this now?
"Why are you staring at me like that?" Nanon whined but he seemed to be having a hard time staying coherent as he was close to coming. Ohm smiled tenderly at him before responding in a teasing manner, "You look too pretty. Why? Can I not look at you?"
"Oh-Pat, quit talking!" Nanon brought his hand to cover Ohm's mouth, not knowing how to respond to those words. His heart was beating hard within his ribcage and his mind was clouded by lust. Nanon was very easy to fluster, and Ohm would always take advantage of that by teasing him endlessly. Usually, Nanon could take the teasing, but right now, he felt a little more sensitive. It felt a if his heart was going to overflow with feelings, but he wasn't exactly sure what type of feelings. He didn't want to get confused or carried away either, so he buried those thoughts and focused on the pleasure he felt.
However, he wasn't able to keep those thoughts at bay for too long. Something about the way Ohm was staring at him made him feel unsettled. Nanon couldn't help but stare back defiantly, trying to make the other back down, but Ohm only stared at him more intently. Why was Ohm staring at him like that and what exactly did he feel about it?
A certain drag of Ohm's hand that felt deliciously good made Nanon's mind blank and his focus returned to the pleasure. Nanon wouldn't be able to last much longer. He felt like he was about to burst.
"I am going to come..." Nanon warned him as he tightened his embrace on Ohm's shoulder. Ohm took a deep breath, inhaling Nanon's scent, before kissing the side of his face.
"It's okay. Come for me, Nanon." Ohm whispered into his ear before biting his shoulder, making Nanon's eyes roll to the back of his head and then he was coming, his thought processes breaking into a thousand fragments. Ohm followed him seconds later, creating a mess out of their bodies and the sheets under.
A few minutes went by of comfortable silence as they tried to control their breathing It was during this time that a sudden realization came to Nanon's mind, making his heart stop.
He had been too lost in pleasure to understand that Ohm had called him by his name. When he realized this, the reality of the situation fell on him, hitting him with such force that it left him breathless. This wasn't Pat he was having sex with. This was Ohm, his best friend.
He had just had sex with his best friend.
His body tensed when he understood the gravity of the situation.
Having just orgasmed, Ohm was breathing roughly on top of him. His breath close to his ear was giving him goosebumps. Their bodies were pressed together, sweat, and dry cum covering them. There was a heavy scent of sex permeating the bedroom, and Nanon felt suffocated all of a sudden.
He just had sex with his best friend, and it was all due to character bleed. To make matter worse, it had been him who had suggested it. He had fucked up their friendship, hadn't he? And it was all because of this stupid inability to shed characters off! Why couldn't he shed off his characters like a normal human being? If only he did, he wouldn't be at risk of losing the most valuable person in his life. Suddenly, Nanon wanted to run away and hide from Ohm.
On the other hand, Ohm felt as if he was at the top of the world. Once his breathing came back to normal, he felt a smile graze his features. He couldn't believe that they had done it, and it had been perfect. He had made Nanon come. There was a feeling of pride and giddiness rising inside him. He had made the person he loved feel good. Ohm had always been a pleaser, always caring more about other's pleasure than his own, but he had never felt quite this satisfied with himself before.
Feeling overjoyed at the events that had elapsed, he gave Nanon's shoulder a tiny kiss before untucking his face from where it had been resting and turning to look at him. "That was amazing!" Ohm had said with a pleased smile, but all he had received had been tense silence.
Upon hearing no response, Ohm started feeling that something was definitely wrong. When he saw the consternation in his friend's face, his smile vanished from his face. Doubt started to form within -Had he done something wrong? Or perhaps it hadn't been that pleasurable to Nanon? Or even worse, was Nanon regretting it already?
"Is something wrong?" Ohm quietly muttered after some time in thought, unsure of whether he actually wanted to know the answer.
"I...I think I should leave." Nanon coldly responded while avoiding his gaze. When he started sitting up and looking for his clothes, Ohm's heart started to race in trepidation.
"W-Why? Did I do something wrong? Tell me so I can apologize." Ohm grabbed Nanon's arms and asked for an explanation for his sudden change in attitude. He was willing to do anything in order to make the other one stay, even if it was begging on his knees. Something in his gut told him that if Nanon left, it would mark the ending to whatever they had and he wasn't ready. Not yet.
Nanon brushed his hand off and stood up to put on his jeans. The silence of the room felt suffocating. There was no more laughter, no more loving smiles between them, no more hushed whispers in the dark and secret kisses in inhabited corners. And Ohm had a feeling that there wouldn't be any anymore. Only tense silence and coldness. Ohm watched him with a pained expression on his face as he saw their bubble pop.
"Look, Ohm..." Nanon used his name but there was no affection to the way he pronounced it like when he pronounced Pat's name, which made Ohm's heart throb inside his chest. It was at this moment that Ohm knew that whatever was about to come from Nanon's lips would mark the ending.
"I think this, whatever this is, has gone too far." Nanon spoke in a voice that didn't give anything away. To Ohm's ears, it sounded nonchalant and frosty. Ohm knew where this was going, and felt his heart give a painful twist in anticipation. The tower of lies they had formed was about to collapse and Ohm would be the one crushed underneath.
"I think we need to stop this." Nanon had pronounced those words as if he didn't care, as if the past months had only been a fleeting moment. What he didn't know was that to Ohm, those months had meant everything and that he would be left wounded.
Ohm tried to look at Nanon's gaze to see if he could find any sign that this rupture was bringing him emotional distress too but found his gaze to be vacant. Ohm felt his heart shatter. In the end, it seemed that he was the only one who was hurting and the only one who would be affected by this "break up". And for a moment, he thought of holding onto Nanon and begging him to stay. Even if it was foolish, or childish, he contemplated about begging him to stay.
But he knew that this wasn't part of the deal. Ohm didn't have character bleed. It was Nanon who did. The moment Ohm had suggested them to use each other, he had known that Nanon would be the one ending it. Ohm had decided to play with fire and he had known he would be burnt, yet he had done it anyway. This wasn't Nanon's fault. If there was anyone to blame for his heartache, it would be himself. Moreover, it would be unfair if Ohm forced him to stay against his will. As much as Ohm loved Nanon and wished they could be more, he also didn't want to lose their friendship. It didn't matter if it was as a lover or as a friend, as long as he could still stand by Nanon's side, Ohm could take it. Ohm would take it even if it hurt because he would rather have that than nothing at all.
This is why he held back his tears and forced a smile. "If that's what you want, we can do that." He had barely been able to pronounce the words without breaking apart, but it didn't matter. Nanon wasn't even looking at him to begin with. Even if he allowed his tears to flow, he was sure the other would heed him no mind.
He would be lying if he said that he didn't feel as if he was being wronged. Ohm didn't understand how Nanon could end it and not hurt at all. How could he spend four months kissing him as if he meant it, and yet, have absolutely no feelings whatsoever? Was he that heartless?
It's then that Ohm truly understood the truth that was now plain as water. Nanon had only been with him because of Pran and for nothing more. Ohm had only been the Pat to his Pran. There was never an Ohm in the equation to begin with and he had known it since the beginning. And yet, why did this truth still hurt so much that it felt as if his heart was being beaten blue?
Nanon said nothing back as he smoothed down the creases of his shirt. Once fully dressed, he remained still and stared at an invisible point of the wall for a couple of seconds. It seemed as if he wanted to say something, but the words had gotten stuck on his throat and were refusing to pass through. Ohm felt a tiny silver of hope at that moment of deliberation. He hoped that he would retract on his words, he hoped that he would tell him everything had been a bad joke of his, and that he would come back to sit on the bed with him.
However, dreams were only dreams and in the end, all that came out those lips had been, "Goodbye."
Ohm watched Nanon leave that night without even a spared glance. He had felt his heart crumble to the floor as he watched his friend's back and once the door had been shut, he had allowed his tears to flow.
Ohm had gone through multiple break ups in the past but had never cried as hard as he cried that night. The tears flowed without ending, brimming with heartbreak and sorrow. It felt as if he was mourning a love that at some point had been a beautiful flower. But he had grown a flower in a dream that never could be. Now that the dream had shattered, the only thing that was left was the thought of what could have been but wasn't.
Ohm had learnt a lesson that night.
All goodbyes were like this. The person who loved the most and got their feelings involved would be the one hurting in the end, while the one who loved less would leave unaffected.
Since the beginning of their involvement, it was obvious that he had been the one wrapping the rope around his own neck. Now that he had jumped, it was obvious that he wouldn't be left unscarred.
That night, Ohm did not only see the ending of their "play pretend" relationship, the one that he had started himself. He also saw the ending of a friendship that would never be the same.
Hello, everyone! I am back! I have to confess that this chapter was the chapter that took me the longest to write and even now, I still don't feel quite satisfied with how it turned out. As you see, it contains smut and I kind of suck at that. I usually write too much about the feelings and not the physical part. I apologize if that disappoints you a bit. I am not that good at writing porn.
It also seems that my writing skills are getting worse by the day (ENGL is not my first language so I apologize if sometimes sentences don't sound quite right.)
I had fun writing the angst though. I inspired myself a little with my own life experiences so the angst came from the heart haha
Lastly, for those wondering if we will see more about what Nanon thinks and feels, we will on next chapters. They will be mostly on his POV
Anyways, thanks for supporting the fanfic till this point. I wanted to announce that it's now being translated into Vietnamese as well, so thank you very much for the support.
Like always, I appreciate comments and do not be afraid to reach out to me on twitter ( I NEED FRIENDS GUISE HA HA )
PS: The song I was listening to while writing this chapter was "The cut that always bleeds" by conan gray, such a depressing song geez
[An Honest Mistake]
Ohm had woken up the next morning with swollen eyelids and a broken heart. His heart felt as if it had been grounded into powder by someone's foot, and now he had been left with a vacant chest cavity that only carried the ashes. His body felt heavy, and his motivation was in tatters.
He thought about calling in sick for work, but he remembered that he was supposed to meet with a director concerning a new project and he couldn't miss it if he wanted to land the role. With this in mind, Ohm gave a pained sigh before forcing himself out of bed. However, even though he forced himself out of bed and got ready for work, acting as if everything was fine, as if he didn't feel a part of him missing, the truth was that it felt as if the floor below him was crumbling. He was afraid of going to work, afraid of facing Nanon and finding indifference in his friend's face.
When Ohm thought about it again, he realized he miscalculated something else. There had always been issues concerning falling in love with Nanon, but he had forgotten about the most important one. The most important issue wasn't that they were best friends, but that they worked for the same company. The problem with falling in love with Nanon was that he would always be doomed to cross paths with him. Even if they were working on different projects, the chances of meeting him were big considering they worked in the same building and for the same industry.
This made Ohm feel discouraged. At the moment, all he wanted was to hide away on a ditch to recollect the broken fragments of his heart and think about a way to put them back together. But he knew that it would be hard to heal and move on when Nanon would always be there. Ohm felt that life was being too unkind to him.
That morning, Ohm felt as if he was living his day as a spectator. His morning went by as usual. He woke up early, ate a healthy breakfast and dressed himself up, but his mind was blank for the most part. It's surprising that he managed to get to the GGMTV building unscathed considering he had been absentminded throughout the twenty minute drive.
Standing in front of the building, Ohm felt alert for the first time, his heart racing at the prospect of crossing paths with Nanon. What should he say when he sees him? Should he act as if nothing happened between them, as if the four past months were a mere illusion? No, it was too soon for him to forget about the previous night and get over his heartbreak. He wondered if he would be able to keep himself together if the other gave him the cold shoulder. Should he try to avoid him for now?
These questions resonated in his mind, but he wasn't given much time to think about it when a voice broke through his thoughts. "Ohm!" He heard Chimon's call and turned to look in his direction to find the reason for his inner turmoil standing a couple of meters away. They had arrived together and were making their way to the entrance.
He gulped nervously before giving a nod in acknowledgement. Please don't come closer, please don't come closer- he prayed silently in his mind but they had both approached him.
His Adam's apple bobbled as he gave a quick glance at Nanon who seemed to be as uncomfortable as he was. Ohm tried to find his eyes, but Nanon kept his gaze to the floor. Damn it, Chimon, why did you have to bring him here when he doesn't want to see me- Ohm thought, feeling nervous and out of place.
"What's up, buddy? How are you doing?" Chimon asked him, seeming immune to the tension in the air. Ohm wanted to strangle him. "I am doing good. I am here to meet Director Ping for a new project" Ohm forced through his teeth, wanting to end the conversation as soon as possible.
"Oh, a project with that new Chinese director? Nice! Speaking of which, when will you guys be playing on another BL project? Everyone wants to see your comeback as a couple." Chimon said nonchalantly as he sucked on a lollipop. Ohm glared at him while Nanon flinched as if he had been stung by an ugly insect.
There was an uncomfortable silence and Chimon looked at both of them, finally occurring to him that something was wrong. Realization seemed to dawn on his expression, and he was about to open his mouth to change the topic when Ohm interrupted him, "Yeah. Well I have to go meet them now. So see y'all later."
With that being said, he turned around and walked into the building, unaware that a pair of eyes watched him as he left with a pained expression,
Although Ohm was unaware of it, Nanon was hurting too. Growing up in the acting industry had given Nanon the ability to conceal his emotions easily. He had found this ability to be rather useful when he was going through major depression and had to fake a smile when all he wanted was to waste his time at home. And it was proving to be useful now that he had to bring an end to something that was precious to him.
The previous night, he had pretended that it wasn't hurting, that it had been easy for him, but the truth was that saying those words had been the hardest thing he had done, the hardest dialogue he had delivered. He had put on a mask of indifference and had remained emotionless as he broke it off and this indifference had lasted him through the walk home. He had even smiled and kissed his mother when he reached his house, had eaten with his family and joked around with his sister, putting up the façade that everything was alright. However, the moment he had reached the privacy of his bedroom, the illusion had been broken and the tears had rolled down his face.
He had crouched in a corner and hard cried for so long that he had lost track of time. It felt as if he was about to lose something important to him, and that there was nothing he could do to prevent it. He didn't understand the feeling of impending doom that overwhelmed him but he knew what that important thing was and he knew that everything had been his fault. It was during this time that he realized three things.
First: This "break up" had been inevitable. In retrospective, he had known there would be an ending to "them" since the start of this relationship. He had known that this arrangement was a bad idea and that sooner or later it would come to backstab them. Even when he was aware, he had wanted to live in the illusion for a bit longer but now that it had become heavier to bear, he couldn't continue ignoring it.
Second: He miscalculated the impact it would have on their friendship. Since the beginning, he had known that their reasons for getting involved were not the same. He knew Ohm enough to know that he didn't suffer of his same predicament.
My roles don't live inside of me, Nanon. They live through me. Once their story ends so does their link with me- Ohm's words had resonated in his mind as he faced his friend the day he had suggested them to play this dangerous game. He had stared at his friend in contemplation, trying to read his motive. In the end, he had concluded that Ohm wanted entertainment, or perhaps he wanted to experiment a little. He thought that perhaps the BL role had gotten to him and that he was questioning himself and needed some verification He had been willing to be that verification. He also needed this for his own selfish reasons, after all. What could a couple of kisses do? Once Ohm had his verification, he would end it and they could continue being best friends and acting as if nothing had happened, or so he thought. But it hadn't ended at a couple of kisses. Before he knew it, four months of pretending something they were not passed by. By the end of it, Nanon didn't even know why he was doing it anymore.
He had started it because he missed Pat, that had been the truth. For months after filming had ended, Nanon had felt that a part of himself was missing. Nanon didn't need to think about it too much to understand why he felt this way. The feeling of emptiness had grown to be familiar. It would plague him after every farewell and it would stay until a new character came to take the place of a previous character. Nanon liked to put all of himself into his roles. It usually created a better outcome, his characters would truly come to life in his hands; but he realizes that it was having a negative effect on his life.
While he was Pran, he felt as if he was leading a different life and now that he was just Nanon, he felt as if he was inhabiting the wrong body and had to act as if he was the person that owned the body. But after playing so many roles, he had lost himself in the process and now he didn't even know who the owner of the body was. Now that he was back on Nanon's body, how should he act? Who was Nanon? It had been a while since the last time he knew who Nanon was. Now all that he knew were a jumble of multiple personalities that belonged to fictional characters. This made him really question who he was and what thoughts were really his.
For months after the wrapping of Bad Buddy, he had missed Pat. He missed hugging him and kissing him. He missed the feeling of belonging to someone, of having control over his own thoughts. Now that he rethinks everything, he feels so stupid because at the end of the day, those thoughts weren't his and he definitely didn't belong to Pat. Pat was a fictional character for god sakes! And yet, when Ohm had made that strange suggestion, he had been too weak to reject it. And now because of this decision, there was a big chance that he would lose his best friend.
That brings him back to the third thing, to his last discovery: Ohm had feelings for him. This realization was new but now that he thinks about it, he can't understand how he had missed the signs. The way Ohm would look at him. The way he would touch him so gently at times, and so passionately at others. The possessiveness, the way he would always want to mark him as if he was trying to put a claim to him. The way he would text him every hour and call him every night. Every sign had been there. Nanon had just been too dense to notice them.
But when he had seen the way Ohm looked at him as he jerked them off the previous night, he had seen something in those eyes that had made his heart twist. He had tried to look at him with the same intensity, hoping the latter would back off and turn away out of discomfort. But instead of backing off, Ohm had only stared at him more intently as if he wanted to communicate something.
As he stared at those fierce eyes, he could feel the adoration and love brimming within. This expression felt familiar. He had seen the same expression before on Pat's eyes when he looked at Pran but no matter how much he felt like Pran or looked like him, he knew he wasn't him and Nanon knew Ohm knew this. Ohm wasn't the one with character bleed, he never had missed Pran to begin with, Nanon was sure of this. If those feelings weren't directed towards Pran, then the answer was clear- they were directed towards him.
Now the question was, since when? Did Ohm feel that way when he made that suggestion? No. He doesn't think that Ohm would do that to himself. It would be like tying the rope around himself and jumping. He wouldn't be that stupid, would he? Honestly, Nanon didn't know what he would feel if that were to be the case. Then, was it after they started this arrangement that his feelings started to change? If that were to be the case, then this would be his fault, Nanon thought. He didn't know what would be worse. He didn't know how he felt about this or how he felt about his best friend.
When Nanon had suggested them to have sex, he had done it because of Pran, right?! Every single kiss he had given had been induced by Pran, right? RIGHT?!
"Nanon, think!" He had told himself as he sat down in the corner of his bedroom the previous night, trying to put the puzzle together. They had been making out and Ohm had done "that" and it had felt good and Nanon had been too lost in the pleasure and thrill of what they were doing that he had suggested it. It had felt right at that moment but in that moment he wasn't being Nanon, he was being Pran. RIGHT?! Nanon honestly couldn't find the answer and it was driving him insane.
If he didn't even know who had made the choice, then how could he expect himself to return Ohm's feelings and love him wholeheartedly? This had been the reason why he had decided to end it. It was obvious that they had gone too far. They should have never had sex. Sex between friends always ended with one of the parties hurt. They shouldn't have played with fire like this. If he had known Ohm feelings for him, he probably wouldn't have suggested it. Much less, accepted this arrangement. Ohm deserved so much more than someone broken that didn't even know if his thoughts were truly his. He deserved someone who loved him for who he was and not for a character that didn't even exist.
Nanon wiped a tear that had escaped his eye and focused on his phone. He didn't want to worry anyone. He had almost forgotten he was sitting down beside Chimon when he found his friend staring at him with concern.
"Hey..." He couldn't help to flinch when he felt the other boy's hand on his shoulder. Chimon furrowed his eyebrows at that and carefully asked, "Are you okay?"
Nanon almost wanted to laugh at that question because the answer was that he was anything but okay. But he wasn't going to tell Chimon that because that would only lead to more questions that he wouldn't know how to respond to. Instead, all he said was, "I am okay, don't worry about me. My eyes are just feeling a little itchy. Maybe I am getting seasonal allergies."
He tried to feign nonchalance and shrugged his shoulders but the concern hadn't left his friend's face when he turned to look at him. If there was anyone that knew him well enough to see through his mask besides Ohm, it would be Chimon. When he saw his friend's expression, he knew he wouldn't leave it at that. Nanon almost wanted to let out a sigh in resignation.
"As if I would believe that, Nanon. You never get seasonal allergies. Is there something going on between you and Ohm? Did you guys fight?" Chimon probed and it felt as if he was pinching an open wound.
Nanon truly didn't want to talk about it. What would he even say? Oh no, we didn't fight. I just had sex with him and now our friendship is crumbling apart. And to make matters worse, he has feelings for me while I do not even know what I feel for him! As a matter of fact, I do not even know who I am. It sounded too much like a bad soap opera or a bad written fanfic. Nanon felt sick to his stomach.
Not knowing what else to say to get Chimon to stop asking, he decided to give him half the truth. "I guess... you could say we had a small argument but don't worry, we are working on solving it." Nanon gave a nervous laugh as he scratched behind his ear, hoping that Chimon would eat it.
On the other hand, Chimon did not believe that was all. Something about Nanon's body language told him that his friend was lying, but it also told him that he was uncomfortable and didn't want to talk about it. He wanted to ask more and get the truth, but he also didn't want to make Nanon more upset than he already was. So instead of probing more, he let out a resigned sigh and said, "Okay, I understand."
Chimon felt helpless. He didn't like seeing his friends fight and be at odds with each other. That had been the main reason why he had felt so upset at Ohm when he found them making out at the building's bathroom. He knew Nanon well enough to know that he wasn’t into Ohm and that the only reason he was letting him get his way with him was because of character bleed. Yes, Nanon loved Ohm but it had been platonic all this time, and Chimon honestly wanted it to stay that way. Love between friends only complicated things and Chimon didn’t want to see his two friends break apart due to it. He had experienced it before, and he would hate to see their friends suffer through the same fate.
However, this didn’t mean that Chimon would be against it if they were to really love each other. If they truly loved each other, Chimon would support them, but it had to be truthful from both sides. What they shared wasn’t honest and in the end, it would backstab them. Chimon wanted to warn Nanon about it, but he didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable by telling him he knew about them. Nanon would only close off. Instead, all he could do was hope that he would one day trust him enough to tell him about it.
“Look, I just want you to know you can tell me anything. I promise I won’t judge you. So, if you ever need to get something off your chest, I’ll be here.” Chimon saw Nanon’s eyes get glossy as if he wanted to cry and watched as he opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something. For a moment, Chimon thought that Nanon would finally lean on him, but then he changed his mind and faked another smile, and said, “Thank you, friend.”
With no other words exchanged, Nanon stood up and walked away. As he walked away, he felt sorry for his friend. He knew that Chimon wouldn’t judge him and would try to be there for him. But Nanon couldn’t bring himself to tell him what was happening because it was ridiculous. It would also put his friend in the middle and he didn’t want to make him take a side. So all he could do was carry the burden by himself.
These were the consequences to one of his own decisions and he knew that this was a path he should walk by himself. At the moment, Nanon didn’t know how he felt about all of this. As a matter of fact, he didn’t even know if his feelings were authentically his, and not someone else’s. And that was the main issue here, Nanon knew.
It didn’t matter if he accepted Ohm’s heart and if they started dating. If Nanon didn’t know and wasn’t sure whether what he felt for Ohm was authentic, then their love would be doomed to die and their friendship to end. And Nanon knew that Ohm deserved the best. He deserved the whole world and as it was, Nanon couldn’t offer him that.
But Nanon desperately wanted to try. He wanted to find himself again and learn to love himself for who he was. He wanted to be truly happy, feel happy as Nanon and not as Pran. He knew that before he could make Ohm happy, he had to find his own happiness and learn to live as himself.
And Nanon was ready to do just that… even if to do that, he would have to distance himself from Ohm for a while.
Hello, everyone!!! It is Aley here! This chapter took a little bit more to update because my girlfriend and I are owners of two shih tzu's and we have been trying to cross them because we would like to get puppies. Females can only mate during their heat which comes only twice per year. And this week was the right time to make them mate. For the past two days, we have been watching over our dogs and taking care of them to have a successful mating. It has been very stressful, but the mating has been successful!
If everything goes well, we are going to be grandmas in a couple of months and have puppies! I AM SOOO EXCITED for that day to come!!
This chapter is mostly filler, but I hope you guys like it and get to understand Nanon's POV more.
Like always, I look forward to your comments! It makes my day whenever I see you guys comment.
And once again, thank u so much for your support!
ANNOUNCEMENT: There might not be an update next week due to exam week and I've got to study a lot, but I'll come back the week after! Until then, see you guys!!