It's hard to be in love with your best friend.
You caught yourself in one of those awkward cliche movies, except for the suddenly famous soundtrack or the happy ending. In real life, all you get is the frustrating part, where you keep wondering " why doesn't he confess? " or " how can she not see how much he's in love with her? it's so obvious! ". There's no turning point, no conflicts and, of course, there's not a confession or realization with a romantic kiss in the end. There's just him and me, laying down on his bedroom floor, playing video games for the nth time.
He probably has no idea how much my mind wanders about him. How many times I pictured myself kissing him or how many times I imagined us, as a couple, walking around on dates. In all those years of friendship, I bet he has no clue of how many times I wished to taste his lips or even how many wet dreams I had with him.
And he will never know.
– Do you want something to drink? I got your favourite juice on the market. It was on sale. – He asks me, pausing the game and getting up to the kitchen. – Better than that, I will bring you water, you don't drink enough water. And you should.
– Why did you ask me if you were going to answer yourself?
– I know you. – He's right, he does. So much that sometimes it hurts. Sometimes I wonder if Ohm just pretends not to know about my feelings for him. – Here. Your delicious water.
– Water shouldn't be delicious. Should be insipid, inodorous and colorless. – I say and he rolls his eyes to me.
– Shut up and drink it before I kick you. – He goes to the kitchen again, gets his own bottle of water and comes back to his room in a minute. – What are you gonna do tomorrow morning? Wanna go to the gym with me?
– I can't. I have a college thing and will have lunch with my friends after.
– You college friends? – I nod while playing. – You have a lot of college friends.
– I guess it's normal. I mean, it's not like my friendship with you or Chimon, but yeah.
– Yeah. – He answers in a weird tone and I look at him, confused.
– What? What's wrong?
– Nothing. Just go to lunch with your friends. No problems. – I laugh, looking at Ohm. Couldn't deny my heart gets a little warm every time he's jealous of me somehow. It's selfish, I know, but I like to delude myself into thinking he has any discomfort about me with other people.
– C'mon, you know you're my best friend. You don't have to be jealous. How could I have this with any other person except for you? Who else would scream with me for not drinking all the water I need? Or who else would stop my legs from shaking in front of everybody? Who else would be so annoying and make me come here in the middle of the afternoon just to pass this level for him? No one would. Just you! – We both laugh and I look at him again.
I love his smile. I love the way he smiles at me. Makes me feel warm, cherished, makes me feel like I could do anything.
I already spent a lot of time thinking about us as a couple. We would be that bickering couple, always complaining about something with each other, but solving everything at the end of the day. I would complain about the way he loves the car, he would complain about how much money I spend on figures. I would kiss his cheek everyday and he would keep his hand around my waist everytime we were together, as a sign that he is there for me. We would complain about each other's habits all the time. We also would make out almost every evening in a lot of different ways, because that's the couple I would like to be, but we also would be just cuddling and kissing slowly because that's the way he would like to be.
I don't know much about Ohm as a boyfriend. I don't remember seeing him with someone for so long that could be considered a relationship. I remember that he once said about being in love with someone, but when I questioned again after a while, he said it was nothing. " Just a fling ", he shrugged. Honestly, maybe not seeing him with someone keeps this tiny stupid hope alive inside that… maybe someday.
It's hard to be in love with your best friend.
I spend most of my time thinking “ I don’t want to feel this way ”, but keeping this feeling inside. I look at him and I wanna hug him, protect him, kiss him. I want to make myself vulnerable so he can take care of me. I want him to look at me with his sweet eyes everytime I say how important he is to me.
I want everything.
But I know I can’t have it. My fear keeps reminding me that I can’t have it all.
– Here. It’s done. I can’t believe you were stuck at such an easy level. You went through some worst ones. – Nanon says pausing the game and giving me back the principal console.
– Thanks. You’re the best. – I could’ve passed this level, he’s right. I just didn’t want to. I wanted to see him. – I guess it was too simple so it became complicated to me.
– Makes no sense at all. – He laughs and lays his head on my bed, while I play the game again.
There are a lot of bad feelings when you’re in love with your best friend.
First, the fear of losing the person who knows you the most, who understands and cares about you that much. Second, the constant insecurity that makes you wonder a lot of things: “ why doesn’t he see me as a potential boyfriend? ”, “ what am I missing? ”, “ does he see how much I care about him? ”, “ am I too friendly to be something more now? ”.
Third, the worst one: What if. You keep thinking and overthinking about the most different scenarios, wondering how it would be. Good ones, bad ones, chaotic ones, lovely ones. Your mind goes to the most different places but you don’t move an inch.
I thought about confessing a thousand times, in different ways and with the most different speeches. None of them were worthy enough for me to turn it into reality.
– What are you doing? – Nanon asks, startling me. – That’s why you can’t go on. You keep jumping recklessly. What are you thinking?
– Ahn? – I answer, pretending my mind isn't full of him. – I’m distracted. Do you wanna ask something to eat? I’m hungry.
– Actually, I think I’m going…
– Why? – I ask, forgetting to pretend I’m disappointed.
– Cause I can’t live here? – He answers, smiling at me. I love his smile. I love the way he smiles at me. I love his dimples and how his eyes get smaller. I think it’s the most adorable thing in the world. – I told Nonnie I would be back for dinner. – He mentions his sister and I know immediately I couldn’t win.
– Okay. – I accept my defeat, watching him get up and get his stuff.
– Don’t make this sad face, it’s not like we’re going to spend thousands of years without seeing each other. – He says. – We can eat together the day after tomorrow, what do you think? – I nod.
– There’s not much options left, of course. Nonnie today, your college friends tomorrow… I should be glad you found a space in your busy schedule for me. – I don’t care if I sound like a child. Nanon laughs again, passing his hand through his hair. I wish I could love him less.
– Ah, ah. Okay. Your favorite restaurant, I’ll pay. Don’t be like this. You can also send a message to Chimon and invite him too. I’ll pay for us all. Do you see how generous I’m being right now? – I stare at him with a serious face and he laughs again. Of course I will “forget” to invite Chimon and pretend he’s busy. – Well, I’m going.
– Do you want me to drive you?
– You just want an excuse to drive your baby around. – He mocks me about my car and I sigh. – No need to, it’s not like I live that far. – I get up and give him a hug. I also love how Nanon smells. Like baby powder and something fresh.
– Send me a message when you’re home. – I say, while he goes out and waves at me. I feel so stupid for acting like this, but… Having Nanon as a friend is way much better than not having him in my life at all.
So I just swallow my feelings and keep wondering if... maybe someday.
It's so hard when your two best friends are in love.
It’s worse when they’re in love with each other and you automatically turn into the third wheel.
It’s EXTREMELY TERRIBLE when they are two b*tches and can’t confess their feelings, leaving you in a constant awkward situation.
Like now, for example. Nanon invited me this morning to lunch at Ohm’s favorite restaurant. Okay, no problem. Even better when he said he’s gonna pay. Amazing. But now, I have an annoyed Ohm looking at me from across the table, while sitting next to Nanon, waiting for my food.
“What are you doing here?”
I received a message from the person in front of me, with a lot of angry face emojis. I look at him pointing at Nanon, shrugging. How am I supposed to know?
“Thank you for coming. I don’t think I would handle being alone with him today.”
I received another message, this time from the person beside me. I send him a thumb up emoji, really hating myself for accepting this invitation and being in the middle of this quarrel.
I don’t know how long they are in this stupid situation, but I know I’m getting really annoyed with Dumb and Dumber. I’m getting on my limit of whining, sad faces and dreamy sighs. I swear I’m trying my best to be the best friend possible, but it’s getting unbearable.
“Just come up with an excuse and go!”
Ohm sends me another text and I’m about to kick him.
“Are you going to confess? If you do, I’ll go home immediately.” I answer back, looking at him, while Nanon keeps talking about the hot pot. He mumbles me a swear and just throws his phone at the table, sighing. This jerk.
I swear to God, if this keeps going for my whole damn meal, I will scream at both of them and make them confess to each other by force. I’m totally done with this indecision and I will throw fists with no regrets. Just a bit more and they’ll see it.
It won’t pass today.