Many people come over from time to time, to comfort me, to make sure I’m ok. It’s quite odd to have this many people in the house. It keeps reminding me of that saying you hear sometimes. “Some people say it’s better to love and have lost than to never love at all.” I believe they are wrong. It’s better to love and to keep. Better to be able to hold onto that part of you that belonged to the other person. Without that there would be no more point, no more purpose, no more reason to carry on.
I’m not saying I wished I never loved you. I’m saying this because I loved you. The love and memories we shared together have changed my life in so many ways. Now that you’re gone I’ve realized just how much you showed me. You showed me how to live, how to be free, how to taste millions of different drink combinations when I ordered the same thing every time. We each lived every day for the both of us and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.
When people say it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, they don’t understand how much I loved you. How much it pains me to be without you. But they also don’t understand one of the most fundamental things about life. Moving on. When you dwell on the past, on the things you have lost, there is so much more that you lose in that time.
Before I lost you I thought the most important lesson of my life would be the endless knowledge of musicals and their inner workings that you bestowed upon me. Now that you are gone I know that it’s something different. It’s how to never lose the one you hold so dear even when they remain in death. I carry the lessons we taught each other through every day as if you were here with me, letting you remind me just why we do what we do. I look forward.
With this though I still miss the parts of you that aren’t here. The way you smile, complain about your coworkers, the way you twisted the spelling of my name so many times even when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, the way you could be such a bitch yet still get me to love you even more than I did a minute ago, your terrible drawings that you insisted were worthy of a museum, the attempts at making sports metaphors that were in no way related to the current situation, your spirit and your drive, and even the days where you decided to go on vocal rest and ended up using all the honey in the house because you spoke up when I teased you. It’s hard to accept that I’ll never get those back.
It’s hard to accept that I’ll never get you back.
And so my love, I intend to try my best. I wish there was more to your life, to our life, to our love. But my love for you is never ending and that’s the one reason why I know I’ll never fully lose you.
Even in death we shall not part.
Singed your wife,