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Searching for the Same Light

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when your name is just a hand i can never hold
everything i have ever believed in, becomes magic.
i think of lovers as trees, growing to and
from one another searching for the same light
~Warsan Shire

Everything is weird, Blue thinks, or maybe not weird--she's always had a high threshold for weird and it's only become higher with each new thing that happens--but different now that Ronan and Adam are...something. She can admit to a small twinge of jealousy the first time she noticed the way they touch each other, small touches that look unconscious except for the way Adam relaxes a little with each one, and Ronan's mouth goes soft for a moment, like he thinks no one is looking. And it isn't jealousy about Adam, though other people might think that. She knows he's not her true love, whatever that means, though she also knows she loves him, loves them all, her raven boys.

No, the jealousy is for the easy, thoughtless way they touch. They can and probably do kiss (and pet and fuck, and oh, she's not going to imagine that, at least, not in the house, where her thoughts might leak out for someone else to overhear) without the least bit of worry that one of them is going to drop dead afterwards. At least, not because of that.

She keeps promising herself she's going to stay strong and not call Gansey, but it's easy to make promises during the day, and much harder to keep them in the dark when she can't sleep. She's thrilled and grateful to have her mother back, but she's tired of her mother's sad, knowing looks whenever Gansey shows up at 300 Fox Way. She thinks it'd be easier to deal with if everyone wasn't so understanding.

They've developed their own language of secret touches, Gansey's hand on her hand or hip or cheek, her fingers on his wrist, his neck, his lips, but it's not enough. It'll never be enough, and sometimes it feels like it's burning her up inside.

It's worse when they're in Cabeswater. She's not connected to it the way Adam and Ronan are, but she can still feel it humming around her, magic she's able to amplify or reflect, if never tap herself. Gansey pulls her behind a tree, his eyes bright and intent, and his hands skimming back her hair, down over the rough lace of her shirt, and then warm against the skin of her back.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, get a room," Ronan shouts, having caught sight of them. There are no secrets here from him or Adam.

"Fuck you," Blue snaps back, angrier with him than she has been in a while, because he gets to have Adam and Cabeswater and his dreams, and she gets to have stolen moments with Gansey's hands and the knowledge that she could be the one who kills him.

"Hey," Adam says.

Ronan shakes his head and stalks towards them, pulling Adam behind him. "Kiss her," he says.

Blue recoils, jerking her hand out of Gansey's. "Don't be stupid."

"I'm not the one being stupid, Sargent." He shoves Adam at her. "Go ahead."

Adam gives Ronan a puzzled look which clears after a brief moment. "Oh." He leans in and Blue tenses. His lips are soft and warm--much warmer than Noah's were, but no less sweet--against hers, and then he turns to Gansey and kisses him.

Gansey looks poleaxed when Adam pulls away. "I'm not--I don't--"

Blue doesn't think she's ever seen him at a loss for words before, but Ronan just laughs. "You go to an all-boys prep school. Live the stereotype."

"I, yes, I guess there is that to consider." Gansey's expression goes from shocked to thoughtful.

"Oh my god," Blue whispers, figuring it out. She glances at Adam, who gives her a small smile and a half-shrug. He's already Cabeswater's hands and eyes. He can be her lips and Gansey's hands, for a little while anyway.

"Jane?" Gansey shakes his head as if to clear it. "Blue?"

"Yes," she says, surprised that her voice doesn't shake at all.

"You'd do this for us?" Gansey asks carefully, looking at each of them in turn, the words weighted like a vow.

"Yeah," Ronan answers, no less seriously for all that he sounds nonchalant about it.

"Yes," Adam says, "but not here."

"Not here," Blue agrees quickly, remembering stories about kings marrying the land and dying to make summer come.

They pile into the Pig and ride back to Monmouth in fraught silence. The hair on Blue's arms prickles, the way it does before a thunderstorm, and their breathing sounds loud in the silence. She flicks on the radio and flinches when the murder squash song comes on, but it breaks the tension a little. She lets out a nervous laugh and turns it off, but Ronan is already singing. For once, nobody tells him to shut up.

Inside the apartment, Ronan leads Blue and Adam to Gansey's bed. He gives her hand a brief, surprising squeeze before he lets go and gestures for her to sit. He positions Gansey behind her, and then settles in behind Adam himself.

Blue takes a deep breath and licks her lips. Then she cups Adam's cheek with her left hand, and reaches back to curl her right hand around the nape of Gansey's neck. Ronan already has his mouth pressed against the curve of Adam's throat when Adam leans in to kiss her again, this time with more heat and urgency, his tongue licking at the seam of her lips. She opens to him and gasps when his tongue touches hers.

Gansey's hands slide up under her shirt to cup her breasts, warm and strong and sure, his thumbs brushing her nipples, sending shockwaves of heat through her. She leans back against him and Adam stops kissing her to kiss Gansey. She has a front row seat for it this time, and while it's not something she's ever thought about, it's more beautiful than she would have expected. She tears her gaze away to meet Ronan's. His eyes are heavy-lidded and dark, his mouth curved in a wicked half-smile before he bares his teeth and sinks them into the place where Adam's neck meets his shoulder.

Adam makes a low, gasping sound and pulls away from Gansey, his lips red and shiny. He rests his forehead on Blue's shoulder, breathing heavily, and she strokes her hand through his hair, light and soft as dandelion fluff against her fingertips, and just as full of wishes.

Her eyelids are heavy and she lets them close, the darkness magnifying the sensations of Adam's lips and Gansey's hands on her skin, amplifying the sounds of their breathing and the small, hungry noises they all make, barely audible over the thundering of her own heart, the desperate rush of blood and desire in her veins.

Gansey's hand slides down to her thigh and then up the inside of her leg. She opens her knees so he can cup her through her leggings. She opens her eyes to find that Adam and Ronan are sharing deep, messy kisses, and Ronan's hand on Adam's fly mimics Gansey's hand between her legs.

The similarity makes her laugh, and they all look her at her, startled and dizzy-eyed. "We've got a couple of Casanovas here," she says to Adam, reeling him in for a kiss of her own. He laughs into her mouth and she smiles when he trades her kiss for Gansey's. She drops her hand to Gansey's thigh, tightening her grip at the sensations coursing through her as his fingers work between her legs. The tension builds inside her and she wishes they weren't separated by the layers of her clothing, but Adam kisses her again before she can think too much about the strangeness of the situation, and the necessity for it. She rolls her hips, reaching for the sensations Gansey's producing with his hand, gasping into Adam's mouth when the tension inside her breaks and her whole body pulses with waves of pleasure.

When Adam pulls away, her mouth feels swollen--bee-stung, she thinks vaguely, and no wonder she could kill Gansey with a kiss--and her whole body feels heavy and boneless.

Adam gives her a sweet smile and then turns to swing a leg over Ronan's lap, the two of them lost in each other now.

Blue leans back against Gansey and slides her hand up his thigh. "Do you want me to--"

"No," Gansey murmurs in her ear. "I'm fine."

Blue purrs in satisfied agreement and snuggles back against him, twining her fingers with his. She watches Adam and Ronan rock against each other through heavy-lidded eyes, and feels another charge of pleasure at the openness of Ronan's face, the perfect arch of Adam's back, the way their bodies move together.

"Mm hmm," Gansey hums, his chin resting on her shoulder.

Blue closes her eyes again and floats in the afterglow, breathing in time with Gansey, accompanied by the low soundtrack of Ronan's choked-off curses and Adam's gasps of pleasure.

When the boys are done, the four of them cuddle up close on Gansey's bed, warm and sleepy. There's hours yet before she has to be home, she thinks. Certainly enough time for a nap.

"I never would have thought of that," Gansey admits softly.

"That's why you should let me do the thinking," Ronan says.

"I don't want to end up in jail," Blue replies, but she reaches out and runs a hand over Ronan's head to take the sting out of it. He hums softly and lets her, the brush of his short hair against her palm another surprising pleasure.

A soft cold breeze wafts over them, and when she looks around, Noah is sitting on the floor in front of them.

"Hi," she says. "Join us?"

"No, that's okay," he says. "I like to watch."

Blue flushes at that, but the others laugh. She holds her hand out to him and he takes it and presses a cool kiss to the inside of her wrist, pleased smile on his lips.

"My boys," she says fondly. "My raven boys."

end