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The Two Faced One

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Sam had a bone to pick with Jamie. She was standing outside the boutique where she worked, waiting for Jamie to come and accompany her to a party.

“Jamie! What took you so long?” called Sam, on spotting the highlander at last.

“Sorry I’m late - I’m still nae familiar with these streets.”

“And not because you’ve got a bit on the side?” accused Sam, out of the blue.

“Where did you get that idea from, lass?” said Jamie, shocked.

“From when I spotted you with a girl in the park, during my lunch break.”

“Ah, er, um, that must’ve been my brother,” spluttered Jamie.

“Who happens to look exactly like you. Come off it - I wasn’t born yesterday, y’know.”

“He’s my twin!” said Jamie. “He’s called Robert, er, Rab for short.”

“Second name: ‘The Bruce’,” said Sam, scornfully. “Why have you never mentioned your brother before?”

“Well, I don’t like to speak about him. He’s the black sheep of the family - always getting into scrapes. I’m trying to get him to mend his ways. It’s not going very well, but he’s not been in a brawl for nearly three days now.”


“Aye.” Jamie nodded.

“If you’re not seeing anyone else you can spend your lunchtime with me at the café opposite, tomorrow, can’t you?”

“Aye, I will,” said Jamie, slowly. “But isn‘t there a party to go to first?”

“You’re not trying to change the subject are you?”

“If I was I’d do this,” said Jamie and kissed Sam.


The next day, Jamie strolled into the TARDIS kitchen and found Victoria chopping vegetables on the kitchen table.

“Oh Jamie! You made me jump,” said Victoria, clutching a hand to her chest.

“What are ye doing?” asked Jamie.

“I’m making supper.”

“You can cook?”

“I sat and watched Cook cook when I was little - it can’t be that difficult to master. I thought it would be nice for us to have some fresh, Earth food, instead of what comes out of the food dispenser.”

Jamie thought he would rather take his chances with the white rectangles of food from the TARDIS’ food dispenser.

“I was hoping the smell of cooking would lure you away from where you were hiding in the TARDIS as well,” said Victoria.

“What for?” said Jamie, coming up to Victoria and putting his arms around her waist.

“Not now Jamie - not while I’m preparing a meal,” admonished Victoria, hitting him with a wooden spoon and shrugging him off her. “I think you should keep your hands to yourself from now on or should I say keep your hands to your other woman.”

“Other woman?”

“While I was out shopping for supplies I saw you with a girl and you looked very close.”

“That wasn’t me!” protested Jamie.

“There can’t be many Scots in kilts in Liverpool and even fewer ones that share your appearance,” said Victoria, aggressively chopping a carrot.

“It’s my double.”

“Your double all the way from 1746,” said Victoria, unconvinced.

“No, not from my time, but you remember the Doctor telling you the story of how we dealt with the Chameleons?”

“Didn’t the Doctor make them leave Earth and go back into space?”

“He did, but the lass that helped us was from Liverpool and she was fond of me. A clone of me has escaped from the plane and is trying to fool her into thinking he’s me.”

“That’s preposterous!”

“Can you say we haven’t got involved with anything just as unlikely?"

“Well, no, but if there’s an alien clone of you why hasn’t the Doctor told me?”

“The Doctor wanted you to have a rest from nasty beasties and he didn’t want to worry you. It’s not as if the Chameleon is threatening the Earth. It’s one lonely alien, not hundreds of Daleks. When I find him, all I need to do is bash him over the head and bring him back to the TARDIS. Then we can send him back into space, where he belongs.”

“I guess it’s not a task that requires the Doctor’s intellect,” mused Victoria, prodding a turnip with her knife.

“Am I allowed to put my hands near you again?” asked Jamie, taking Victoria’s hand and kissing it.

“Oh Jamie, you’re acting like a proper gentleman,” said Victoria.

“I don’t have to be a gentleman if you‘d prefer.”

Victoria laughed and Jamie kissed her properly on the mouth, to stop her asking any more awkward questions.


Sam watched Jamie as he walked down the pavement. When he turned and gave one last wave, Sam waved back, before ducking behind a red telephone box. Quickly, she took a headscarf out of her bag and tied it around her head to conceal her hair. Then she removed a large pair of glasses, she had borrowed from the opticians next door to where she worked, and put them on. Unbuttoning her cardigan, she pulled her top out of her skirt, except it wasn’t a top, but in fact a dress whose hemline fell below her mini-skirt. The dress was in a particularly disgusting shade of brown. Sam had chosen the colour to cause people to look away instead of at her. She shoved the cardigan into her bag and walked briskly up the street, hoping she hadn’t lost Jamie.

Thinks he can fob me with this evil twin nonsense does he, fumed Sam to herself.

On catching sight of Jamie again, Sam slowed her pace and kept a couple of metres between her and Jamie. I hope those flowers are for me, Jamie McCrimmon, thought Sam, as Jamie bought a bunch of flowers from a stall. Sam shadowed Jamie all the way to a park. The wide, green expanse of grass afforded a good view of her quarry and as there were no crowds to block her view, she dropped back from him. Jamie left the path and walked down the slope towards a young woman. She was sat on a blanket with a picnic hamper at her side.

It looks like I made him late for lunch with her, thought Sam, as she noted the girl’s unhappy expression, which changed when Jamie gave her the flowers. Sam took off her headscarf and glasses and marched down to the happy couple.

“Sam!” said Jamie, in surprise at seeing her.

“Sam?” said Victoria, turning to face her. “Are you the girl who helped Jamie and the Doctor with the Chameleons?”

“Yes, I’m that Sam,” confirmed Sam, tersely.

“Oh thank goodness! Jamie has been searching for you. There’s a Chameleon double of him and he’s thinks it’s trying to fool you it’s human.”

“A Chameleon? It’s obviously conned you, because I’ve just have lunch with this “Jamie” and followed him here from the café.”

“Jamie!” It was Victoria’s turn to shout at the Scot.

“Yes, you have caught me out,” said Jamie in a stiff monotone. “I am what you call a Chameleon.”

“Is that your true alien voice?” enquired Sam.
“Yes, I find it hard to maintain this accent.”

“In that case I can teach you an easy way to sound convincingly human,” said Sam. She leant down, picked up a drinks flask out of the hamper and poured the contents over Jamie’s head.

“Argh! What are ye doing lass? It’s freezing,” shouted Jamie, in his normal Scottish brogue, as he was drenched in lemon juice. To keep the drink cool Victoria had thoughtfully added ice cubes to the flask.

“What I should have done when you claimed to have an evil twin,” smirked Sam maliciously at the sodden Scot.

“I spent all morning squeezing lemons and adding the right amount of sugar to make the perfect lemon juice,” said Victoria, disappointed. “There’s nothing to wash the sandwiches and cake down with now.”

Sam was astounded. “You still want to be with this two-timing rat?”

“I was thinking of sharing it with you instead. Jamie doesn’t deserve me or to benefit from the time and effort I put into organising a picnic. It seems a shame to let the food go to waste. Shall we find a sheltered spot? The grass is rather damp here.”

Sam grinned at Victoria. “There’s an ice cream van that sells bottles of pop nearby.”

“Will you show me where it is?” Victoria picked up the hamper and put her arm out.

Sam linked her arm with Victoria‘s. “In a jiffy, kid.”

“Sam? Victoria?” said Jamie, confused at the turn of events.

“Oh go boil your heads,” retorted Sam and asked Victoria, “You are a single person aren’t you?”

“Definitely. Are you?”

“The one and only,” replied Sam. Then the two girls strode off arm in arm, to enjoy the rest of the afternoon.

The End.