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So No One Told You

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Between them there are three apartments, a disgruntled downstairs neighbor, and a coffee shop with a barista who threatens them with tasers. Which, as a whole, that description sounds way more simple than it actually is.

It’s a lot more like this.

Thor is there first. He has the sad little excuse for an apartment (Number nineteen to be exact) that used to be atrociously decorated with lawn chairs rather than an actual sofa and the world’s shittiest TV in the middle of the room. 

Steve is there second. He moves in across the hall (In number twenty) which he can afford by himself for a year simply because his grandmother had left it to him. After that year, however, and his increasing failings to maintain a job, he needed a way to keep up the rent. And since it was New York, what better way to do that than to get a roommate?

Thus, Clint is third. Steve likes him because they can talk about sports together, sometimes take disgustingly early morning jogs together, and more than either of those things, Clint knows how to use a coaster for his drinks without being told five million timesTony.

But Clint is like the first drop of water leaking out of the dam, because after him there’s everybody. Thor wants a roommate and Tony shows up. And, seriously, thank god for Tony because then Steve never has to set eyes on those terrible lawn chairs ever again because Tony has style. Tony also has money. What is Tony’s job, anyways? Following Tony came Extremely Angry Guy across the street, who the four of them press against the window of Steve’s apartment to watch during his insane fits of rage and take bets on which items would be smashed this time. And then, hello, it turns out extremely angry guy has a friend, an extremely attractive female friend that makes Clint dive for cover behind the arm chair the first time she shows up to calm Extremely Angry Guy down.

It’s after a little mishap which ends in Extremely Angry Guy accidentally braining himself and Steve doing the good Samaritan thing by calling 911 that Extremely Angry Guy and Extremely Attractive Female Friend become from then on known as Bruce and Natasha.

And who the fuck even knows when Loki showed up, except that he’s Thor’s brother and could have, for all any of them knew, been there the entire time and they just might not have noticed. Thor’s place only has two bedrooms, and Loki doesn’t actually live there as much as he just happens to be there 99% of the time. No one knows where Natasha lives, and when they ask her she just smirks in that way that made Clint look like a deer caught in the headlights and Tony look around for some inevitably useless means of defense.

So between them they have three apartments, which is more often a lot more like two because Steve wakes up more mornings than not to find Natasha and Bruce in his kitchen, in pajamas, making breakfast. And Loki, who doesn’t really live there but kind of does, would be sleeping in Tony’s bed because Tony doesn’t believe in sleep schedules, or in Thor’s bed (With Thor) when Tony actually does sleep. 

They also have a downstairs neighbor, Nick Fury, who bangs on the ceiling, AKA their floor, with various items and tells them to, “Shut the fuck up,” and threatens them with death. Steve respects him because he’s a war hero, Tony calls him a pirate, and Nick leaves slightly worrying letters under their door listing all the ways he can kill them if they don’t keep quiet. Natasha hordes these lists and Clint claims she keeps a scrapbook full of them titled “Good Ideas” under her pillow. No one thinks twice about checking to see if this is true as they just automatically believe it.

To top it all off they have their coffee shop. Which, okay, it isn’t theirs. It belongs to Phil Coulson who glares at them when they don’t put a dollar in the tip jar (Especially Tony who is loaded) and who makes them go sit at the “Time Out Chair,” if one of them pisses off another customer. Thor and Tony are kings of the Time Out Chair, and even Steve has been made to sit in it a few times. Somehow, Loki miraculously remains the only person who had never been forced to the confinement of the Time Out Chair. The reason to which is a mystery as even Steve periodically thinks Loki is obnoxious. 

As people they work like this.

Steve is a former soldier who served his country proud. He keeps things so clean in his apartment that you can see your face in every overly polished surface, and also if you don’t use a coaster he will come after you like a serial killer who has no actual intention of killing you so much as staring you down until you profess your deepest apologies. Steve is an aspiring artist who can never find the right gig but keeps trying because he’s stubborn as hell. He exercises, he makes sure to eat from every food group, and then he spends more time than he should on the couch with Tony and Thor and Clint watching sports.

Tony doesn’t watch sports. Tony works on his iPad that is suspiciously high tech even for an iPad and, to Clint’s annoyance, doesn’t have Angry Birds on it. No one knows the specifics of Tony’s job and Tony doesn’t bother to tell them what it is. He drinks more than he eats and he eats more than he sleeps, which is the reason Steve is constantly busting into Thor’s apartment with various food items to make him eat and then make him sleep. But Tony is hardly going to change just because one absurdly pretty blond dude across the hall insists on keeping him alive and functioning. If he drinks a little less after having moved in, he doesn’t need to let anyone know.

Thor is … Thor. He doesn’t actually need a roommate because his father pays for the place but Thor had decided to get one anyways just because. Which is actually simply because Steve had gotten one and he wanted one too. Somehow, Thor seems to have missed this crucial part of growing up wherein people become semi-normal. Technology is a constant source of frustration and confusion to him, he doesn’t understand why the players don’t beat each other with the bats in a game of baseball, and he once walked into a pet store demanding to be sold a horse. Tony doesn’t think Thor realizes he’s living in New York City. Steve is fairly certain Thor came from sort of ritzy high class family that only associated with other high class families. Clint thinks he’s an alien.

Clint is a former professional archer. Which, yes, that is a sport. Tony insists it isn’t but it is. He’d sustained a minor injury that was just major enough to mean that he couldn’t play with the big boys anymore, and had moved in with the first guy who would take him, which had happened to be Steve. Currently, he works in the coffee shop downstairs with Coulson and spends more time whipping the rest of them with the ties of his alarmingly bright pink apron than actually serving them coffee.

Bruce, formerly known as Extremely Angry Guy, is actually a lot less angry than they’d all assumed prior to making friends with him. He tends to keep to himself but he can often be found talking in some sort of science jargon with Tony or sleeping in Clint’s bed, which no one feels like questioning because they have started to get to the point where everyone’s bed is everyone’s bed. Except Steve’s. Steve’s bed is Steve’s bed and he will throw you out the window if he finds you in it. Actually, he’ll probably just glare at you. He’ll throw you out the window if you don’t make the bed, though. Bruce is also friends with Natasha, and that is the biggest mystery of them all since every time anyone tried to ask about it they all got different answers, so they just stopped asking.

Natasha is gorgeous. Natasha is scary. Natasha is also often found in Clint’s bed, sometimes with Bruce, sometimes with Clint, sometimes with both of them and what the fuck. Whatever, they don’t have rules about beds anymore. Mi bed su bed and all that. Natasha is some sort of mob boss, or assassin, or international spy, or one of those people from Inception, or something. And Natasha will whoop your ass if you take a piece of Steve’s homemade pie before she does. Natasha also seems to know Clint from somewhere, which isn’t going to be a discussed topic anytime soon because Clint is constantly pretending he’s deaf when they try to ask.

Loki is Thor’s brother, which is basically the jist of it. He comes and goes through both apartments, never gets in trouble with Coulson at the coffee shop, doesn’t have job (A paper route is not a job), and is known best for his random, surprise attacks which consist of everything from a pillow to the face to eggs in your favorite shoes. Tony claims to hate his guts, but Tony is full of shit because everyone knows that he lets Loki sleep in his bed when he isn’t using it himself. It should also be noted that just a week ago Loki had asked whether or not chicks made good pets. They have yet to find out the outcome of that sudden curiosity.

All in all, they have three apartments, one scary neighbor, one nanny of a barista, and one coffee shop where they spend more time than they do anywhere else. Somehow, it works.