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My Littlest Vampire Master

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“Gizmo, why the fuck are you going back to that whore’s herb stinkin’ coven shop?” Nadja shrieked.


“Hehe yeah, I thought you already played the role of milk man this morning, Guillermo,” Colin Robinson said looking up from his newspaper.


“Perhaps our little familiar- er bodyguard has another delivery to make so to speak” Lazlo spoke up from his piano playing. “Maybe slayer semen has its own magical properties….hmmm?”
He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and gestured towards Guillermo’s pants.
“Lilith interested in your wand eh old chap?”


Guillermo’s cheeks burned, and he was wringing his hands nervously.
“..No I j-just..” The human was absolutely flustered.


“You know, speaking of milk delivery, did you know that before 1878, milkmen didn’t deliver the stuff in individual glass bottles. They just carried big containers of the stuff, and you had to have your own container if you wanted the milk, and of course the deliveries were a daily thing because refrigeration wasn’t widespread yet.”


“Shut up Colin Robinson” The other vampires cut him off in unison.


“No need to be rude, just wanted a little nibble,” The drab man in his beige suit chuckled and hid his face behind the newspaper once more, but not before flashing a glimpse of his glowing blue eyes.


“Why are you going back to the Satchel Serafina, Guillermo?” Nandor asked.


The ex-ottoman warrior had been uncharacteristically quiet while the other’s took the lead in interrogating the meek little slayer. Guillermo had almost forgotten his master was in the room.

“I-I ordered something from there, and I need to go pick it up, okay!” The shorter man snapped. It came out with more bite than intended, but he was getting real tired of this never-ending questioning.

Nandor’s face briefly flashed with concern, but the tall vampire didn’t get a chance to say anything further.


“Oooh, what kind of elixir are you getting, dear boy?” Lazlo piped up again

“Before Lilith and my lady-wife had their little disagreement, we got all kinds of randy concoctions from that seductress. She gave me this strange smelling powder and within a second of breathing it in, I had a raging hard on, and let me tell you, that erection had to have lasted for at least a week-It was a little painful but it was totally worth it. Thank the darkness for blackout curtains because let me tell you, Nadja rode my hard cock into the daylight hours- and even then we didn’t stop. The eventual orgasm was absolute-”


“IT’S JUST FOR ROSACEA, OKAY!” Guillermo’s face was indistinguishable from a stop light at this point. “Not that it’s any of your business anyway.”

Fucking vampires- it was like eternal life made them lose all respect for other’s privacy or something.


“Who is this Rose Asia, Guillermo?” Nandor asked, cocking his head to the side.

The Hispanic man sighed in exasperation.


“Nevermind, I gotta go.” He grabbed his coat, and ran out the door before he could be delayed by any more facts about dairy history, or Lazlo’s numerous sexual adventures.

Once the door was shut, Guillermo leaned his back against it, and took some deep breaths trying to calm his explosive heartbeat. It was beating so hard, Guillermo wouldn’t have been surprised if a fucking chest burster from the 1979 film Alien gorily ripped itself from his ribcage right about now. Of course, it wasn’t an alien doing this to his heart. It was just the adrenaline.
Even eleven years after becoming a vampire’s assistant (you know- a creature that embodies darkness, bloodlust and sexual liberation) , he couldn’t shake the chokehold that Catholic shame had on his nerves.
Yeah, that potion he ordered- it was not for rosacea. In fact Lazlo was right on the money about it being related to Guillermo’s “wand”.

That morning Guillermo had driven to Brooklyn to make another one of his deliveries. Memo’s Man Milk was proving to be quite a lucrative business, and for once Guillermo actually had some spending money in his pocket. It was nice to treat himself to some hot coffee from the hipster cafe on the corner, or some elote from the street vendor when he visited his mamá every once in a while.

Since his arms were occupied with crates full of glass jars containing vampire cum, Guillermo used his back to push open the door to Satchel Serafina. Immediately his nostrils were welcomed with the perfumey aroma of a number of flowers and herbs. Some scents that he could pick out were sage and lavender, as well sweet jasmine. However most of the scents just kind of mixed together in one big aromatic cloud that Guillermo couldn't quite put a name to. It was just the scent of witches. Witches smelled surprisingly good.

Following the bell signaling his entrance, the man heard a familiar bleat.
“Morning Peter” Guillermo said cheerfully.

“Oh it’s you Memo! Another delivery I see- that sure didn’t take long.” The black goat replied. His deep velvety voice was a little higher than usual, plainly revealing his amusement.

“Luckily vampire libidos are insatiable, so I don’t have to worry about my supply running out,” Guillermo chuckled.

“Welcome in, Lilith is expecting you- so feel free to just let yourself into the back!” The witch at the register said. She barely looked up from her magazine as she spoke, and appeared to be chewing gum.


He made his way to the back of the room, but Guillermo’s arms were still too full for him to reach for the handle. The cashier noticed him pause. After a second of realization she opened it from where she was sitting with a flick of her wrist. Guillermo muttered another thank you. She simply nodded, while she blew a small pink bubble from her lips. It made a satisfying little pop before it deflated.

When the door closed behind him, the delivery man could hear two voices talking, one of which he recognized as Lilith’s. She must be with a customer, Guillermo thought. To give his arms a rest, Guillermo placed the crates down on a nearby table. Then he messed around on his phone while he waited for the witch to finish up.

The voices grew louder and clearer, and now Guillermo heard footsteps approaching.

“Guillermo! Is that you, man?!”

Surprised, he looked up from his phone.


The wide eyed and mousy haired man stood before Guillermo, and a big smile crept across his face.

“Yep! It’s me!- Come here! Give me a hug!”

Alex barely gave Guillermo a chance to consider what he said, before the other man wrapped his arms around Guilermo, squeezing tight like a boa constrictor.

“Uhh, hey.. Yeah it's's been a while.”

Alex was someone Guillermo had met at a transgender support group, years before he started working for Nandor. He wouldn't say the two of them were super good friends, but they did hang out outside of group a few times. They got a few drinks together here and there. Alex was a cool guy, although not always the best at reading social cues. Personal space was one of those things Alex didn't fully understand, but growing up in a hispanic family, made Guillermo a little more lenient about that sort of thing. He was a hugger himself anyway.

Guillermo was about to ask Alex what he was up to these days when he heard him whisper,

“You’re here for the good shit too, huh, bro?”

“The what now?”

Alex suddenly pulled out of the hug. He pulled a bottle out of his pocket and shoved it in Guillermo’s face. The label read “Satchel Serafina’s Trans-Male Enhancement Herbal formula.”

“You mean you don’t know what they sell here!? Dude! You have to try it- it’s amazing- its the best thing for guys like us that I’ve ever seen- works better than any fucking pump I’ve ever tried.”

Lilith let out a chuckle. Guillermo’s cheeks flushed.

“I didn’t know you and Memo had that in common, Alex” She said

“Uh yeah” Guillermo said awkwardly “Well,” he gestured to the crates. “ I brought the delivery.”

Alex looked at him apologetically.

“Sorry man, I didn't mean to..”

“Don’t worry about it.” Guillermo said

In what was probably an attempt to make things feel less awkward after outing Guillermo to Lilith, Alex tried some small talk, but his topic of choice was unfortunate.

“So you don’t work at Panera anymore, huh?”

“Yeah, no- I…...make deliveries now.”

“Cool, what did you bring in the crates?”

Lilith and Guillermo shared a quick and uncomfortable glance.
Yeah there was no way he was going to tell Alex that those crates contained jars and jars full of vampire jizz.

“It’s a… exotic nectar” he lied
“Yes!” Lilith jumped in “we use it….as an ingredient in one of our anti-wrinkle creams.”

“Huh, no kiddin’”

“Well Alex- it was really nice catching up with you, but I need Lilith here to sign for her delivery.. and I have other ones to make so- talk to you later?”

“Oh! Yeah totally! See ya dude!” Miraculously, Alex took the hint, and left.


When he was alone with Lilith, Guillermo asked
“So does he know you’re a..”

“A witch? No- he buys our gender affirming products, but like most of our human customers- he has no clue that magic is involved.”

“........I didn’t know you had gender-affirming products.”

Lilith smiled. “You never asked!”


After Lilith venmoed Guillermo his percentage of the anti-aging potion profits, she happily showed Guillermo a “menu” of all kinds of potions, creams and elixirs that her coven made specifically for the trans community. It was a little book full of different product names and descriptions.

There was everything from a kind of mouthwash that could temporarily change the pitch of your voice, to charmed amulets that you could wear to reduce or enlarge your chest appearance for a few hours. It didn't take too long of flicking through the pages, before Guillermo found the page that described what was in the bottle Alex had with him.

“Satchel Serafina’s Trans-Male Enhancement Herbal formula”

Apparently it was a liquid that you took orally that promised to enlarge your “t-dick” size to one comparable to that of a cis-man, so you could jerk off without the aid of a prosthetic or pump.

Lilith noticed Guillermo had stopped on that page

“It also increases the intensity of any orgasm you experience while under its effects” she stated

Guillermo’s cheeks were burning, but it didn't stop him from asking

“How much is it?”