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drifted lost to the gentle touch of your hands

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The shower was warm and nice, and although Jeongin felt his muscles ache from the activities that day, he felt hazy and pleasant as he stepped out of the cubicle. He wrapped a towel around his waist and looked at the mirror. Though he wasn't really looking at himself, he was instead buying time before stepping out of the bathroom.

 

Because he was sharing a room with Chris, and he knew something would happen with Chris tonight. The anticipation had built up between them for days, at least it had been for Jeongin, as he had been so painfully conscious of Chris' touches on him. Backstage, where his hands on Jeongin's body would linger just a little longer than normal. On the airplane to Japan, where their shoulders and hands kept brushing together. And of course, in this hotel room when they would steal kisses or cuddles from each other before going to bed or waking up.

 

Jeongin thought that eventually, the novelty of it would wear off. That soon, Chris' touch, would stop making Jeongin unstable. Especially as the amount of time they spend together grows longer — actually, just by the mere fact of how frequently Chris touches him, it only makes sense that Jeongin will grow immune to some extent, able to control the way his stomach swells and his chest aches when Chris holds him. But it doesn’t. It doesn’t go away.

 

To be clear, Jeongin has had this kind of infatuation with others before in the past—a boyfriend in high school he liked to hold hands with, that trainee four years ago who had his first kiss. But with Chris it’s— It’s different. 

 

There’s this ache inside of Jeongin that can only be described in this way: an ache to be close with Chris. But it’s strange that that’s the most accurate way to describe it, because the ache remains even when Jeongin is literally close to him.

 

Really, tonight, it was simply a matter of how far they were going to go, and Jeongin needed to go all the way.

 

When Jeongin exited the bathroom, Chris was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching whatever Japanese program was playing on the television. With all his courage and eagerness, Jeongin did not hesitate to climb onto Chris' lap to get his attention, wrapping his arms around Chris' neck.

 

"Hey," Chris greeted him, so familiar and pleasant. Jeongin immediately kissed him, catching Chris by surprise, but the elder reciprocated anyway.

 

When Jeongin pulled back, he clasped his hands into Chris' shirt, crumpling them into his knuckles. "Want you," Jeongin said, accentuating it with a light thrust of his hips, rubbing his groin against Chris' pants.

 

Chris held him by the waist, his face lighting up. "You're adorable, baby," he answered, stroking Jeongin's back up and down.

 

Jeongin frowned, feeling that he wasn't communicating well enough. "No, hyung…" he fidgeted with the buttons on Chris' shirt. "Wanna go all the way with you."

 

"Oh," said Chris, understanding was written over his face. He shifted underneath Jeongin, and Jeongin could feel the fabric of his pants grow tighter. "Okay. Okay," he breathed. "Let me shower first and prepare, alright? Does that sound good?" When Jeongin nodded, Chris moved to stand up.

 

Jeongin, on the other hand, moved to lie down on the bed. "Wait for me, yeah?" Chris asked, and he looked at Jeongin and touched his cheek one last time before turning away.

 

A calm washed over Jeongin, even though what he had been waiting for was finally about to happen. Now, it was just a matter of waiting, he figured, and waiting he could do. Especially in this comfortable atmosphere. The last thing Jeongin remembered was the distant pattering sound of the shower going off and the noise of the television as he drifted off to sleep.

 

* * * 

 

Jeongin stirred into consciousness despite his heavy eyelids. The room was dim and everything was bathed in a cold blue sheen. The only light source was the fluorescent glow of the neon signs outside which streamed in through the large windows beside the bed. For a moment, Jeongin was overtaken by a strange sensation — like he was drifting, and he couldn’t remember why he was here. It felt like he was in one of those dreams where he couldn’t control what he was doing.

 

Jeongin tilted his head and was greeted with the sight of Chris on the bed beside him. Those gentle eyes below his tousled, curly hair; and the curve of his ample lips. Chris was inching closer and the bed shifted underneath his weight. He touched Jeongin’s cheek with the palm of his hand—his elbows supporting him as he hovered above Jeongin—and that alone was enough to ground Jeongin back to reality. Jeongin realized that Chris was already undressed — or more accurately, stayed undressed after his shower. Chris’s scent flooded his senses, fragrant and indescribable; it excited Jeongin, how even though they use the same products, it smelled different on Chris because of his natural scent.

 

Instinctually, Jeongin closed his eyes. He expected Chris to close the distance between their mouths, with the way Chris’s face was already so close that Jeongin could feel his breath. So he was startled when, instead of a heated kiss to the lips, Chris’s soft lips found their way to his forehead, not more than a light press. It seared all the same, like a brand to the skin, and it lit up all of Jeongin’s nerves, making him hypersensitive and suddenly aware of all the spots their bodies were touching. Chris’s ankle by the inside of his thigh. Chris’s hip, only covered by a towel, pressed against his abdomen. 

 

Chris trailed the back of his hand — the hand that was cupping Jeongin’s face — slowly and deliberately down Jeongin’s cheek, his jawline, then his neck. Chris’s knuckles barely made contact with Jeongin’s skin, merely a graze. But that edged Jeongin so much more, that he involuntarily shuddered at the ghost of a touch, his eyes begging Chris to do something — to do more . But Chris continued. He let his hand trail down Jeongin’s clavicle, then lower still down the length of his arm, until Chris circled his palm around Jeongin’s wrist.

 

It was almost unreal, and certainly unbearable , the gentleness by which Chris brought the inside of Jeongin’s wrist to his lips to plant a kiss on that vulnerable spot. How tenderly Chris gazed at him at that moment. It was as if Chris was aware that right now, Jeongin made himself fully defenseless to Chris. And it was true, Jeongin felt like he was about to break.

 

“My baby,” Chris whispered with his lips still stuck onto Jeongin’s wrist. It was barely noticeable if not from the vibrations of his voice against Jeongin’s skin.  “My Jeongin.” The way he says it — it was so soft, so solemn, almost like a prayer, and it stirred a warmth inside Jeongin’s chest that made him ache. 

 

Chris let go of Jeongin’s wrist to lean in closer. Their chests touched and pressed against each other’s, the warm sensation of skin making Jeongin gasp sharply. Chris’s lips finally met with Jeongin’s then, and Jeongin greeted it with the intuitive passion that he possesses only for Chris, the sole person he adores and longs for in this way. That eagerness made the kiss artless and messy, Jeongin too lost in the feeling of Chris’s wet mouth to even notice the rhythm by which Chris’s lips meld against his. He simply did what felt right, and oh , did kissing Chris with no thoughts to spare felt right at that moment.

 

Not to mention — Chris’s body was pinning him down, their bodies making contact in almost every area. It gave Jeongin’s hand access to Chris’s torso, and he made full use of this position to let his palms roam all over Chris’s skin. Skin, skin, skin . The hot, soft skin of Chris’s chest, his broad shoulders, then his back. Damp with droplets of sweat, exuding his musky scent. It always drove Jeongin crazy, the view of Chris’s naked torso from behind, and if he was being honest, Jeongin would admit that Chris’s broad shoulders is what turns him on the most.

 

When they were done with the kiss, Chris’s mouth travelled lower to Jeongin’s neck, making the younger hiss in response. Chris knew Jeongin’s neck to be a sensitive area, but rarely does he exploit that fact. Apparently now he felt it to be the right time to indulge in teasing Jeongin, softly nibbling and tugging at patches of skin. To Jeongin, it was ticklish and equally stimulating, the feeling on his neck somehow spreading downwards, making his cock twitch at the sensation.

 

Chris took his time when it came to foreplay. That’s simply how Chris is in almost every aspect of their relationship — always so gentle, always wanting to make sure that Jeongin is taken care of, that he’s feeling as pleasurable as possible. He suckled on Jeongin’s clavicle, then his nipples, while his palms tenderly rubbed up and down Jeongin’s abdomen, fingers curling against his sides, making Jeongin’s breathing quicken.

 

His hands moved lower still to undo the towel around Jeongin’s waist. His thumbs pressed and rubbed against the inside of Jeongin’s thighs, though not yet quite touching Jeongin’s cock. It was the opposite of torture — tender and gentle — but in many ways it resembled torture all the same: leaving Jeongin writhing from the frustrating edge, not quite able to form words into begs, only able to whine impatiently.

 

Finally, finally, Chris’s hand wrapped around his red and swollen cock. Jeongin threw his head back on the pillow and positively moaned . Jeongin closed his eyes and spread his legs, fully relishing the pleasure in his groin building up from the slow pace that Chris’s hand was stroking his cock with. The thought — the feeling of those strong, veiny hands working up and down his cock is insanely sexy to Jeongin.

 

However, the pleasant feeling did not last long when Jeongin suddenly felt a cold sensation against his perineum. His body involuntarily jerked and his thighs forcefully closed. Reflexively, he craned his neck to see what was happening, and he saw that Chris’s other hand was already lathered in lube and was about to touch his hole.

 

Jeongin knew, of course, that this would be part of what was happening tonight. That Chris had to prep him before he could fuck him. Still, it came as a surprise in the midst of Jeongin’s pleasure-clouded mind. Now that he was sobering up the reality of the situation settled in him once more. “Oh…” Jeongin mumbled.

 

Chris's eyes were apologetic. “I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to startle you. Let me prep you, yeah?” He pleaded.

 

Jeongin visibly took a deep breath and nodded.

 

It seemed that Chris noticed the cold lube made Jeongin wince, so he rubbed some between his hands in an effort to warm it up before he used it to stretch Jeongin. “Relax for me, okay?” he whispered, before guiding a finger against Jeongin’s entrance.

 

Jeongin wanted to comply, he truly did, wanted to be pliant under Chris' touch so Chris could finger him and fuck him open like he had always wanted. So it frustrated Jeongin that although his want was unwavering, his body was not cooperating. Maybe he was not as ready as he thought he was. Or maybe it was just a reflex. So when Chris tried to penetrate him again with his fingers Jeongin's knees automatically crossed, preventing Chris from going further.

 

Chris rested his hand on the dip of Jeongin's waist. "Jeongin-ah," he started. The use of Jeongin's name instead of an endearment made Jeongin's chest swell. "We don't have to if you're not ready yet."

 

Jeongin knew that Chris was not saying that in vain or simply to be nice, Chris would truly wait for Jeongin to be ready no matter how long it would take. And he would accept if Jeongin, for whatever reason, ultimately changed his mind. That was how steadfast and patient Chris's love for him is. But knowing that only filled Jeongin with even more want . A need to reciprocate with how much Chris has given to him , wanting nothing more than to give in and give himself up to Chris.

 

Jeongin is filled with shame that he can't do that one simple thing. He grew restless and he insisted, "I want to, hyung, I just– I don't know why I can't—"

 

For a moment, Chris stayed silent and simply stroked soothing circles on Jeongin's waist with his thumb. He was seemingly contemplating the situation and what the right thing to do was. Both options didn't feel right — to call it off for the night when Jeongin wanted to go further, but he couldn't continue either if it meant Jeongin was uncomfortable. Finally, he exhaled and he said, "Would it help if I used my mouth?"

 

Chris offered it with such a firm resolve in his voice — no hint of teasing or embarrassment whatsoever, but Jeongin had to ask again because he thought he heard wrong. "What?" Jeongin's face grew hotter — even his ears feel hot at that point. 

 

"My mouth, baby. I think it would help you relax," Chris said matter of factly, as if it was a simple thing that doesn't ask for a reaction, when it's anything but. The thought of Chris spreading his legs, situating his head between them to attach his mouth and penetrate Jeongin with his tongue embarrasses Jeongin beyond words. But the pit of embarrassment in his stomach intermingled with arousal, and he can't deny that the thought of Chris eating him out made his cock jump in arousal.

 

Just the thought of it was enough to undo Jeongin, and tears built up in the back of his eyes as his restlessness grew in turn. Jeongin was being torn apart in more ways than one within this dynamic. His lips quivered when he answered, "Okay. We can— We can try."

 

The edge of Chris' mouth upturned just the slightest into the gentlest of smiles. "I want to," he tried to persuade Jeongin's apprehension. "Turn around for me, sweetheart. You have nothing to be embarrassed of, it's just me ." It's so uncomplicated when Chris put it that way. He always has a way to do that, to put things into perspective and calm Jeongin down. It reminded Jeongin that he trusts Chris oh so absolutely.

 

With his weak and shaking limbs, Jeongin turned his body over, whining at the friction brushing against his cock when his stomach pressed against the mattress. He bent his knees and lifted his hips slightly, thinking it would give Chris easier access.

 

Chris was hissing from between his teeth as his hand jerked his own cock off, working himself up at the sight before him. With his other hand, he began massaging Jeongin's thighs, then kneading his asscheeks, knowing now that he needs to go as slow as possible. Before him, Jeongin planted the side of his face into a pillow, panting as Chris did to him as the older pleased.

 

Chris spat into his hand to make sure his mouth was wet enough to prep Jeongin with. When he started, it's exactly as Jeongin imagined it to feel like, yet utterly surprising all the same. Chris bent his body and leaned in, holding onto Jeongin's thighs as he buried his nose between Jeongin's cheeks. He used his tongue to breach Jeongin's ring of muscles. It felt foreign, but at the same time so much more natural than when Chris used his fingers. Chris' tongue inside of him felt indescribably wet and hot and soft, and the sensation of Chris' breathing against his entrance was dizzying in the best way possible. Chris was right, it did wonders to help him relax.

 

Jeongin wouldn't be able to describe what Chris did with his tongue then. It truly felt like he was opening him up, drawing his tongue in and out, making his insides wet and loose. Jeongin simply groaned and writhed against the bed, taking it like he should have been doing all this time.

 

This time, he did not flinch when Chris inserted a finger alongside his tongue. Jeongin's entrance had been stretched and besides, he's too far gone to be as nervous as he previously was. Chris' finger penetrated him easily this time, the lube mixing with Chris' spit inside of Jeongin's ass, wriggling and thrusting to test Jeongin's limits. With one finger in, two wasn't that much more demanding, and now Chris was practically scissoring and stretching Jeongin open.

 

Chris pulled away his face from between Jeongin's asscheeks, a string of saliva connecting his lips and Jeongin's skin before he wiped it off with the back of his free hand. "Do you like that baby?" he asked, continuing to thrust his fingers, working them in deeper each time.

 

"Nhh… Keep going," was all Jeongin could manage. Chris complied, trying all sorts of different things with his fingers as he was just beginning to figure out what Jeongin likes when he's getting fingered like this. Chris angled his fingers downwards, nudging Jeongin's insides with a hooking motion, and that's when Jeongin jerked as he let out an unabashed moan, precum leaking from his cock.

 

Fuck was that hot. At this point Chris felt like he would come just from inserting his dick inside Jeongin's hole, judging from how tight and warm it was inside despite the stretch that he had made. As if Jeongin was having the same impatient thoughts, the younger suddenly said, "Hyung, t-that's enough. You can put it in now."

 

Now Chris was the one who had to take a breather before he slipped on a condom and slathered lube on his hardened dick. Jeongin was more sure of himself now, knowing that he could take Chris' mouth and fingers. "I'm going in, okay?" Chris always had to verbalize these things, just to make sure.

 

Just when Chris was positioning his cock to press into Jeongin from behind, Jeongin suddenly turned to look behind and pleaded with his eyes, like he suddenly realized something, and this completely surprised Chris as well. "Wait, Hyung, stop," he fumbled. "This position… I want to see your face instead."

 

Chris' chest bloomed with warmth and pride at the words. "Of course," he answered, and he maneuvered Jeongin so the younger was lying on his back again. With how desperately and shamelessly Jeongin was moving and writhing just then when Chris fucked him with his fingers, it's painfully adorable how in this new position, Jeongin was now bashfully averting his gaze away from Chris'. Chris had to bite back a teasing smile.

 

"Is this better?" Chris asked and Jeongin gained the courage to look at his boyfriend's face again. "Yeah," answered the younger. "You can continue."

 

Chris spread Jeongin's thighs, and Jeongin could feel the blunt tip of Chris' cock pressing into his entrance and breaching his ring of muscles. It didn't burn, thanks to the lube and the prepping, but still Jeongin had to endure the initial stretch and discomfort. And Chris was girthy. Chris kept inserting himself for what felt like an endless amount of time, until finally he reached the hilt. 

 

Chris closed his eyes and groaned, a sound low in his chest, as he savored the tight pressure clasping his dick. Aware of Jeongin's discomfort though, Chris held back from moving and thrusting just yet, no matter how eye-crossingly good it would have felt to do so.

 

Jeongin was closing his eyes, unaware of Chris' bliss, as he consciously tried and exerted his body to relax and accommodate the penetration. He opened his eyes when Chris gently swept the hair on his forehead he was met with Chris' concerned gaze.

 

"You're crying baby," Chris said. "Am I hurting you?"

 

Reflexively, Jeongin wept his cheek with a finger as if to confirm Chris' statement and sure enough, it was wet and he was crying. He hadn't even realized it. The exertion and everything that was happening must have overwhelmed him so much that he began to tear up.

 

"No, I'm just Just a little overwhelmed," verbalizing it makes the situation seem much more real somehow, and now Jeongin truly feels like crying, because this is it , this is what he has always wanted. To have that ache to be close to Chris completely satiated, and with Chris inside him, on top of him, holding him and gazing at him so tenderly and with so much untold pride — to achieve this level of intimacy with him, it bereft Jeongin of his coherence.

 

"Okay," Chris exhaled shakily, Jeongin's emotions affecting him just as much. Jeongin craned his neck and began kissing Chris, lips melding together, and Chris took this as a sign that Jeongin was comfortable enough that he could start moving. He pulled back his hips and thrust back in, starting off shallowly, slowly increasing his depth as he went.

 

Jeongin arched his back, his thighs shuddering as Chris' cock drove into him, filling him in ways he had never even thought of. Chris' cock nudged and rubbed against his inner walls so good— God, does it feel so good to be with Chris like this that he let himself cry. Jeongin let it all happen, let himself be open and handled and fucked, let Chris' rhythm overtake him.

 

"God, I love you," Chris said, his face hovering above Jeongin's as his hips continued thrusting. "I love you so much, Jeongin." And how did one expect Jeongin to react in such a situation? He was still reeling from this feeling of being so full of Chris, and now Chris is saying these words that make Jeongin's chest hurt. Really, the only thing he can do is sob and plead.

 

"Hyung, please ," Jeongin whimpered. And he said it not in the sense that he wants or needs more than what Chris gave him, but exactly the opposite — anything more than this would be unbearable.

 

Chris' hand snaked between their bodies, grabbing hold of Jeongin's hypersensitive and swollen cock. He stroked slowly in comparison to the speed of his own thrusts, but it was enough to make Jeongin's body seize. The younger came hard, shuddering as streaks of white painted his stomach and Chris continuing to fuck him through his orgasm.

 

Jeongin's walls clamped around Chris' cock and Chris groaned as a thrum of pleasure travelled up his spine. He thrusted messily and carelessly before stilling his hips and cumming into the condom whilst still inside Jeongin's hole. He breathed heavily like he just ran a lap, and he sagged his body against Jeongin's.

 

When Chris pulled out, Jeongin whined at the loss, but it was compensated for when Chris pulled him into his arms and held him close to his chest. Jeongin felt like a child with how perfectly content and blissful he felt, for once able to push all of his — their burdens and responsibilities to the back of his mind.

 

"You were amazing," Chris mumbled against Jeongin's hair. "Gorgeous, perfect, beautiful, all of the above," he wiped the cum on their bodies with the towel, and Jeongin rolled his eyes playfully. How could he forget how much of a sap Chris is? Being silly and playful even after Jeongin cried while they had sex for the first time. But that's just how Chris likes to lighten the mood, and it endeared him to Jeongin even more.

 

"Shut up and let me enjoy this moment," Jeongin teased back, earning a chuckle from Chris. But Jeongin was being partially serious. He laid his head to rest on Chris' chest and he sunk himself in that moment. Taking in the rise and fall of Chris' chest as he breathes, the cold comforters surrounding them, and this foreign hotel room.

 

That's when it hits Jeongin, the reality that they had their first time here , in this nondescript hotel room in Japan. Not in their dorm rooms, not in his home, not in Chris' Seoul apartment that he rents sometimes— not in anywhere adjacent to their lives. Something selfish in Jeongin relishes that fact, that this night they shared is so far divorced from all of the other aspects of their lives; their members, their careers, the inexorable uncertainty of their future.

 

This transitory place that no one would normally spare a thought for— it now means something special for them. this hotel room there will always be a remnant of them; this is where he kissed me, my forehead first then my wrist. Where he took care of me and said he loved me.

 

It's something they can sincerely call their own.

 

When Jeongin turned his head to look at Chris, Chris already fell asleep. So quickly compared to how difficult sleep usually came to Chris. Like this, he was so utterly defenseless and vulnerable, a complete opposite of how he is when he's awake. The sight made Jeongin smile, but he did not want to follow suit just yet. He took his time to imprint this moment in his memory, suddenly overtaken by the melancholic realization that come tomorrow, this moment would already be a distant memory — a remote thing in his mind that he does not readily have access to.

 

He wants to stay in this moment for as long as possible, this in between that suddenly holds so much value to him.