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Noah and the Amazing Multi-Coloured Dream Boat

Chapter Text

A large boat is in the middle of the stage:

NOAH (Ocelot): We’re almost ready for our visitors and not a moment too soon.  Look (points dramatically at the sky) the rain clouds are on their way.

MRS NOAH (Dr Watson) [standing behind the boat]: Make sure they wipe their feet, all of them and not just the front two.

SHEM (Sloth): All the decorations are up.  The boat is looking very pretty.

HAM (Ferret):
Drip, drip, drop little winter showers
Time to come into our boat
This is not the time to be shrinking flowers
We shall need to get afloat

EGGS [Don’t ask!] (Sherlock Holmes): Elephants and larger animals in the hold.  Shouldn’t that be elephants and other larger animals?

WIFE 1 (Aemelia Vole): Don’t start questioning the script or we’ll never finish.

WIFE 2 (Mouselet): The animals are all here.

WIFE 3 (Poley the Moley): Mind your heads!

A selection of cardboard animals land on the stage and are pushed through the door of the ark by SHEM, HAM and EGGS.  MRS NOAH grabs them as they come through and shoves them to the back of the stage.

NOAH: Are they all here?

SHEM: Yes, I’ve counted them all in.

We have rhinos and hippos and yak
And giraffes, zebras and lions at the back
Kangaroos are bouncing up stairs
Rabbits are everywheres
Black bears and brown bears are here
Even an armadillo may appear

During this speech the various members of Noah’s family hold up the relevant cardboard animal, or at least something vaguely similar.  There is a long pause while they all hunt for the armadillo.

MRS NOAH: The armadillo’s asleep!

EGGS: Time to shut up the ark.

NOAH, SHEM, HAM and EGGS dramatically pull on the ropes which haul up the door.  There is a loud bang as the door comes loose and falls down.

WIFE 1: Oops!

WIFE 2: It wasn’t tied on very well, was it?

WIFE 3: We did warn them.

NOAH hops out and pushes the door back up, and SHEM and EGGS fasten it firmly in place.  NOAH jumps back in.

Grey skies is all I see
Grey clouds coming to me
Never was a sky fuller with rain
We’ll have a downpour
Isn’t it plain
Soon our ark’ll be floating
Up to the sky
Then we shall be boating
Look at us fly
Grey skies is all I see
Stormy clouds coming directly to me

HAM picks up and opens an umbrella.  Gradually the rest of the cast join him on deck.  NOAH, SHEM and EGGS also hold umbrellas.

MRS NOAH (still behind the Ark): If you think I’ve got time to come on deck with you and sing, you are very much mistaken.  I have far too much to do.  Now, where have I put the gin?  [Dr Watson seems to have taken the instruction to channel his inner Mrs Hudson slightly too literally.]

WIVES 1, 2 and 3: When shall we three meet again?

WIFE 3: In thunder (she beats a small drum)

WIFE 2: Lightening (holding up a dinner fork).  Don’t look at me like that.  It’s the closest to forked lightening I could find.

WIFE 1: Or in rain (opens up a tiny umbrella)

WIFE 3: When the kettle has been boiled

WIFE 2: The tea is made

WIFE 1: Let’s go, we’ve toiled

The three WIVES leave the stage.

We’re singing in the rain
Just singing…

It becomes apparent that they are unable to sing, dance and hold umbrellas at the same time, as they become tangled up together.

Since the tea is made
Let us go below

What’s this I see?  (He holds up a cardboard animal)
Oh, it’s the rhino

Do get off my foot
You’re standing on my toe

HAM is left alone on deck.  He performs an intricate tap dance, falling flat on his face a couple of times, before closing ACT ONE with a repeat of ‘Grey skies’