Chapter 1: #1: After One Month
"So me and the boyfriend were out last night, and he got a bit angry with me."
"Penn, I have known you for years and there are a multitude of things you do that make me angry. Could you be slightly more specific?"
"Well, we get quite a sizable salary here at Camelot don't we?"
"Yeah, I'm still waiting for the day someone in accounting realizes they are making a horrible mistake paying us to sit around and insult each other."
"...Anyway, the point is that I um, earn a bit more than him, what with the boyfriend working in a shop part time and being a student and all."
"I'm sensing this story isn't going to end well for you."
"See, Drivethru fans, I like the boyfriend—"
"Really! Why, I hadn't noticed that at all. It's not like three months of the show were dedicated to BG or anything."
"I like the boyfriend, so I like to take him to places and then I like to pay for it because I don't want him to be paying for things on top of his rent and bills and things because I have the means to do so. Now I ask you, that's not bad right? Wouldn't you appreciate that?"
"Let's find out shall we? Well we've got some callers on the line, what do you think Galahad?"
"Mate, free stuff is awesome! What on earth is wrong with this guy?"
"See! See, that's exactly my point, thank you Galahad."
"What about you Aurelia?"
"Sounds a bit dodgy Penn, I mean, I was only with guys like that for the free stuff, you know? I didn't bother with much else from them. Are you having problems keeping your man interested or something?"
"What? No! But on that note, what makes a good apology present Aurelia? Do you know?"
"Um, lots of chocolate. And maybe a trip to Hawaii?"
"Hawaii? Well, I guess I could do that."
"Before you book the tickets Penn, I've taken the liberty of calling up BG in case you are blowing the situation out of proportion as you are wont to do. Also I am muting your microphone because I don't like your lies."
"Are you there BG?"
"...Hello? Hi Dusty. I'm actually in the middle of a tea break at work, so..."
"Is that the radio? Is it? Hello from Lady of the Lake! Come on down and buy things from BG!"
"That's my boss, riding my arse. Oh! Can I say that on radio?"
"Our censors are giving me the thumbs up, so I suppose they're making an exception for you."
"Oh. Well. Thank you censors?"
"Anyway, Penn tells us you're angry with him because he pays for you and you don't appreciate it. There was something or other about making more money than you which gave him the incentive to do it. What say you to that?"
"Um well, I don't really care about who pays for what really, but he's pretty dodgy about it."
"Well, he used to tell me he was going to the loo or something and then go to pay the bill instead? And when I cottoned on to it, he started pre-paying? Even when I tell him not to, or when we decide to go dutch beforehand, he ignores it and does it anyway? I don't think I'd mind it as much, only it's happened every time."
"I think he might be a re-incarnation of the Old Witch from Hansel and Gretel. I suspect he's trying to fatten me up and then eat me. Or in that weird mind of his what he's doing is meant to impress me or something, which just baffles me really. In any case, he's not being very clever about it."
"That's definitely one thing we've never accused him of being. So his spending habits aren't a deal breaker BG?"
"Well, you know. I paid for myself before he came along and I'll pay for myself after he's gone. Um, I guess."
"Mer— BG? Can you grab those fitted slacks in blue and that new heather gray sweater train and come here please? Oh! And get my camera!"
"Um, that's my break over I think. See you Dusty!"
"Nice talk BG, see you soon. Now I wonder if Penn will be able to behave when I unmute his—"
"—What the bloody hell does he mean, 'after I've gone'?!"
"That's what you've chosen to take away from that conversation? Honestly Penn!"
"I still don't think I'm doing anything wrong."
"Can you stop frantically messaging your boyfriend begging him not to dump you? We're at work you know, that's unprofessional. Hello Delia, you've something you'd like to say?"
"Hi guys, just wanted to call up and first off, say good on you Bar Guy! And secondly, Penn, this one's a keeper, so try not to stuff it up."
"I second that motion, Penn. Try not to stuff it up now, I really quite like BG."
"Why do I get the feeling that you would leave me for him if we were to break up?"
"Probably because I would."
"...Well. Good thing I'm not making you lot choose then."
"How magnanimous, you complete sap. I need to play a song now before I'm overcome with my emotions and try to hug you or something."
"I'll give your face a hug!"
"I don't think that is actually as insulting as you seem to think it is."
Chapter 2: #2: Sick Day
Penn is sick and sends Merlin in to cover for him. He then comes back in the next day and scowls at all and sundry for getting on too well with his boyfriend.
"Good evening everyone, you're here with Dusty and A Great Big Sook on the Drivethru. If you've just tuned in, Penn is being a nuisance today because we have all apparently wronged him. I think I might be getting the fifth grade cold shoulder in here."
"Your face is a cold shoulder."
"Only twenty minutes left of the show and we've unfortunately devolved into ‘your face' jokes. Wonderful. Now, if you're wondering why it is that Penn is not being his usual loud self today, here's a little clip I've prepared earlier to explain—"
beep beep beep.
The Drivethru! With
Penn, Bar Guy and Dusty!
"Welcome to the Drivethru BG! Everyone, your favourite clothes-selling, drink-throwing Bar Guy will be filling in for Penn today. Thank god."
"Uh, hi everyone. I, uh, actually came by to tell the station that Penn's down with the flu? And then two big burly men in black suits handed me these headphones and told me to sit down or else."
"Our station managers are fluffy kittens, honest."
"I can't believe you got that to work. I can't— that's been sitting here taking up space for months!"
"Oh, well. You just had to reroute the power here to this section and then—"
"Why is it lighting up like that?"
"Um...it always lit up like that?"
"I think I would have remembered epilepsy inducing flashes of blue light."
"Is it possible to convince you you have memory problems?"
"Optimus Prime could totally take Chuck Norris in a fight."
"Is there someone out there who is as appalled as I am? Ylaine, surely you do not agree with this madness!"
"Oh, I want to agree with you Dusty, I really do, but Optimus Prime would totally run him over. Like, twice. Also, Bar Guy! You're so cute! Hiiiiii."
"Um...Er...Hi. Thanks. Um, I... you sound like you're cute too."
"Back to the topic at hand, Chuck Norris would take him to the junkyard and scrap his Autobot arse."
"If he did that, I'm sure Optimus would call for back up."
"You hear that folks? Bar Guy would totally cheat in a fight. Shame on you Bar Guy, shame. On. You."
"I'm crying tears of remorse on the inside Dusty, I really am."
"Penn is a bad influence on you, I can tell."
"We have Ian on the line, happy Christmas Eve Eve Ian!"
"Hey, thanks! I've got a question for Bar Guy."
"Everyone does today, Ian, everyone does."
"So, does Penn listen to his own show? You know, like afterwards? I always thought he seemed like a narcissist."
"I haven't caught him at it? He doesn't like it when I listen to it around him though."
"Probably doesn't want you to judge him."
"I'll take three BGs to go please."
"I have to say that this is the first time I've ever done this show and not wanted to punch my co-host in the face by the end of it. Please don't leave now Bar Guy. Don't leave and turn back into Penn tomorrow!"
"That's nice of you to say Dusty, thanks! It's been so much fun! At least we'll always have our memories, right?"
"And that weird flashing light. You are going to fix it before you go aren't you?"
beep beep beep.
"And there you have it. The reason why Penn is being a stonewalling, jealous Scrooge today. Your significant other is a friendly person. Get over it."
"Penn, you can't pull the silent treatment all right? You'll get us sacked."
"I hate all of you. Especially you Morgause!"
"Because we prefer your boyfriend to you?"
"Don't be so nice to my boyfriend when I'm not around. I'll end you."
"Bar Guy, if you're listening, it's not too late to pack up your things and leave."
"Hey! Don't put ideas into his head!"
"I can't believe you actually succeeded in hooking BG though. Seriously. Lonely forever we all thought. Job well done."
"I'm onto you guys. Seriously. None of you are allowed to look at him ever. Especially you Gwaine! Hey, don't you flip your hair at me!"
"By the way, you haven't gotten me a Christmas present yet. Maybe I'll come round tomorrow and crash your little stay-in Christmas in retaliation."
"How about....no, and my sister knows muay thai?"
"Maybe just a six pack and a stubbie then."
"Happy holidays everyone!"
"The Drivethru team wish you a merry festive season."
"Penn and Dusty over and out — see you all next year!"