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‘ The heart is the only book worth reading.’

Ajahn Chah. 

 

 

I fell in love with the woman.

Gosh!

Shit!

Fuck!

Well, a woman is a person, a human. And people fall in love with each other, as a rule. 

As a matter of fact, I’ve never experienced that before. I’ve always considered myself as the one, who falls in love not with a gender, however, my partners have always been men. And now I am at a loss. No, I am totally gutted, as I do not know what to do. 

I do not panic, I am comfortable with this feeling. It is wonderful to feel love toward a person as beautiful as she is. It's just… It has never happened to me. 

I believe I am more concerned about how I'd tell her. That’s the hardest part, right? You start to think of the reaction or possible response, you know. I do not want to see that face full of pity, saying something ‘maybe next time/week/life’, being sorry for declining the offer the first thing. 

I am quite independent. I am confident. I know who I am and what I am. I’ve never been in a situation where I’d question my sexuality or position in society, whatsoever. But right now I am at a loss. 

When I see her I feel I am melting. 

Hey, you know me, right! I am a firecracker. People find me intimidating. I do not buy their bullshit. I do not give a fuck about what they think about me, I am too old to deal with that crap. And they know that. And they are afraid of me. 

You should see her. I bet you’d have the same impression. 

The thing is, she is hot, yes, I admit that. But! I look at her and I want to know her and feel her. Is that strange? I mean, you know me, those who I feel attracted to primarily evoke a sexual desire in me. In this case it’s different. Firstly, I feel that I need her, secondly, I feel she is my person, thirdly, I feel I want to get inside of her. 

It’s awkward. 

You know what I am doing? Surfing the web, devouring sites on ‘how to please a woman’. What the hell! I am pretty sure it could be the same as pleasing a man or myself, but Lord, I am afraid I wouldn’t be able to satisfy her needs and wishes. What if I do something wrong? What if I have the chance to kiss her and I will and she won’t like it?

Yeah, I know what you want to say. I should think about myself, and what if I don't like it. I know, I know. But what if I tell you I am sure I will?

I imagine myself stroking her cheek, gazing into her eyes. I want to touch her lips. Are they soft, smooth, weather-beaten?

I want to hug her. I am so desperately silly. I simply want to lie with her on the sofa/grass/bed, doesn’t actually matter what surface that may be, I want to lie with her there, with her head on my shoulder, with my hand on her arm, with my other hand on her stomach. Want to feel her twitches while she is in my arms. Weird? Want to hear her breathing and feel the way it makes my chest warmer with her every exhale. 

I have never seen a nude woman's body in real life. All those images from the net and films shouldn’t be counted, it is a visual experience that would never compensate for the tactile.

I want to smell her skin. Pretty sure every tiny piece of her body smells differently.

Interesting, how it tastes. 

I’ve never tasted a man, if you know what I mean. I’ve never wanted this. It has always been strictly physical. Yeah, I might have never loved to the extent you want to drink coffee from the same cup. 

Fuck. Is she into women at all?

You know, when you’ve tried something in your life you can visualize this. Change something in your imagination, choose a better option. But the problem is that I want to imagine how I’d undress her, move my fingers over her skin, being covered in goosebumps under my touch, and I cannot do this as I have never seen her naked, neither woman as such. My mind stops after a kiss. Then her face fades away and I cannot fantasize more. It’s appalling. 

I heard her voice. I am absolutely sure she is able to get me off by just saying ‘good morning’. Rocket is launched to space, the cosmonaut is in an upright position. Done! 

You see, I do not want to experiment. I do not need to fuck a girl just to find out how it feels. I know it sounds weird again, still….. By the way, I heard once that if a woman is capable of pleasing a woman she would be able to satisfy all the men’s needs. Hm. You know what? I do not want to check. I mean...how can one be so sure that this definite person is one’s soul mate for their entire life? You can’t be sure of that, right? 

I had a dream some time ago: I am about the same age as I am now, I wake up in the morning and see some blue eyes smiling at me. Then some flash, it’s another period of my life and I do not see myself, but some, hm, kids, like a family, and someone blonde beside me, then again a flash and I see myself with a lined face, I am pretty sure I am much older, I see a hand that I am holding in mine, it’s not wrinkled, vice versa, very smooth at the touch, but it has some spots, so this person is also old, and that is a female hand. 

I am content in that dream. 

I ‘ve told you already I see prolific dreams and until they come true I remember them, just until some trigger moment appears. The same happened to me with this particular dream. It popped up in my memory when I saw her. Weird, I know. 

The trouble is, I still do not know her name. 

I am pathetic.

I am happy to have you. You are tolerant, do not interrupt me, allowing me to come to my own conclusions. I am grateful for this. 

I need to find out who she is, where she lives, what she breathes. 

 

 

‘Where did you learn to be that good?’

‘I won’t tell you!’

‘Oh God!’

‘You really like it?’

‘Franky?’

‘Mm?’

‘Do not say that…?’

‘Ok, I won’t!’

‘Fuck!’

‘As you wish!’

 

 

She opened her eyes to see a very bright pair of blue ones looking fondly at her. A warm hand caressed her cheek. A sweet kiss was placed on her nose. 

‘Good morning, Baby!’

‘Good morning, Gidge!’ 

 

 

She was playing handball with her wife, their dog, and their two lovely kids. 

‘Mum, that’s gross!’

‘In about two years you’ll bring a girl home and I’ll be shouting the same phrase just behind your doors, deal?!’

 

 

‘I can’t believe it’s our 21st anniversary.’

‘I can! I saw you in my dream, Gidge! Back then...’

‘I’ve always known you have something magical in you!’

‘That definitely is you !’

‘I love you so much, Franky!’

‘I love you more, Bridget!’