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A Proposal

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Nandor sits on the couch in the fancy room, grinning ear to ear.

“I have a good news.” He says, putting his hands on his lap. “Guillermo and I… wait, didn’t you catch it in your cameras?” He frowns, suddenly very confused. “The box people will have seen our fight already, why do I have to repeat what happened?”


Guillermo sits on his bed, a half packed suitcase behind him. He’s a little frumpled, his shirt is unbuttoned from his fight, and his hair is mussed. He’s smiling, almost as large as Nandor. “He’s finally going to do it.” Guillermo says, a little out of breath. “Make me a vampire that is. Not anything else.” He’s a little bit hysterical. “What else would I mean, haha.”

There’s a silence, then he shakes it off.

“Anyways! Nandor invited me to travel the world with him! And, in his homeland of Al Quolanudar, he’s finally going to turn me into a vampire.” His smile is infectious, he’s giddier then he’s ever been. “I’m going to travel the world with my Nand-Master! Just the two of us, away from the stressors of Staten Island and the vampiric council.” He widens his eyes like he just realized something. “I’ll finally be living the dream I’ve had since I was a child. Feels too good to be real, kinda?” He chuckles again, but there’s less humor in it. “He’s really going to turn me into a vampire this time, right?” He asks, eyebrows furrowed.


“Okay so I will repeat what happened in our fight.” Nandor says. He’s adjusted slightly, showing that it’s been a long time since his last fragment. “Well I was goading Guillermo you see, and he took it very well.”


“I’m just worried that he only invited me because he wanted to get out of that fight?” Guillermo says, hyperventilating a bit.


“You should have seen him,” Nandor says, as if he hadn’t spent the last fifteen minutes arguing about why he shouldn’t have to recap their fight, his main point being that it was filmed. “He was very sexy. My Mr. Slayer man. If I had known all I had to do to get him to choke me was threaten to abandon him and insult his capabilities, I would have done it ages ago!”


“What if he tries to abandon me on our trip so that he doesn’t have to turn me into a vampire? He wouldn’t, right? Except he did that to Benjy twice. Twice.”


Nandor is full on lounging now, his hands folded together, his legs on the couch. There’s a certain gleam in his eyes that he only gets when he’s very excited about something.

“-and finally my top favorite moment was when Guillermo held the crucifix in my face. You probably wouldn’t know this, being a puny human, but a lot of vampires have been getting into crucifix play. The only problem is, the vampire holding the crucifix is also harmed, so it is less of a sexy power imbalance. Seems like I have come up with a unique solution to that little problem.” He says with a smirk.


“Okay Memo.” Guillermo says. He’s not even paying attention to the cameras anymore. “Get it together. You’re resourceful, if he tries to pull that shit on you, just whip out another crucifix. He can’t hypnotize you, he can’t kill you, you’ve got this.”

He turns back to the camera. “All in all, I’m very excited for our trip.” He says with a grin.


“Oh right.” Nandor says, looking up. “The proposal.”


Guillermo is just happily packing now, as if he hadn’t just spent the last half hour freaking out, and then working himself down from that freak out. The camera pans to him putting his dolls into his suitcase. He squeezes the Nandor one for a second before putting it in.


“I am very excited to announce,” Nandor says, again, as if the camera hadn’t caught the entire fight scene. “That Guillermo is no longer my familiar.” He pauses. “Or bodyguard.” His grin widens again. It’s shit eating, and giddy. “Guillermo is my boyfriend now. Or fiancé, whatever you want to call it.” He seems so happy with himself, his eyes and smile bright as can be. It’s been awhile since he’s looked like this on camera. “Being engaged is one of those things that you forget were really good until it happens again. Like, I’ll think back to being engaged to my 37 wives and be like, eh. And then I’ll wake up and see Guillermo’s face and remember we’re engaged to be married and just,” He taps his chest. “Phantom heart poundies.” He pauses, frowning slightly. “Of course, it’s only been a couple of hours since our engagement, but I cannot wait to wake up to my fiancé’s face everyday.”

He looks wistful, but content. “I should go see what that little fucker is up to.”

The camera follows Nandor out of the fancy room, and to Guillermo’s room, where he’s packing, humming to himself.

“Oh Guillermo!” Nandor says, glancing back at the camera with a grin. “How is your packing going?”

Guillermo looks up, and his face brightens. The camera has caught both of them smiling at each other time and time again, but it’s never been like this.

“Hi.” He says, a little shyly. “I’m almost done. Do you need me to help you with anything?”

“Just wanted to make sure you were packing enough towels.” Nandor says, like it’s an inside joke.

“Okay…” Guillermo replies. “I only have two towels, do you think that will be enough?”

“We will be needing a lot more towels then that.” Nandor replies, decisively. “You will also need plenty of lube.”

Guillermo immediately flushes. “Uh, uhm.”

“And extra underwear. You never know when you'll need a change of underwear.” Nandor finishes off, a bit cryptically. “Okay, I’m going to pack now. Everything good?”

“Uh.” Guillermo replies.

“Good, good.” Nandor squeezes his shoulder, awkwardly, if that can even begin to describe it. Then he walks upstairs, quickly flashing the camera a thumbs up as he goes.

Guillermo stares at the camera. “What was that about?”


“Gizmo doesn’t know he’s engaged to Nandor.” Nadja says plainly, her mouth twisted into a lesser look of disgust.

“I’m not still broken up over Colin Robinson’s death,” Laszlo says, apropos to nothing, “So I feel totally fine saying that he would be getting,” He chokes up a little on this last line, “Such a good meal out of this.”

Nadja makes a face. It is unclear what exactly she’s making a face at.


Nandor is at the train station, frowning a little. “It is almost time to go!” He hisses at camera. “Guillermo better not be late to our honeymoon.” He pauses. “Or pre honeymoon. We will be wed on the soils of my ancestral home.” His smile is soft at this, his eyes almost wet.


“I would push you into my coffin, seal it up, and send you in my place,” Laszlo is saying to a shocked Guillermo. “But unfortunately a very stupid vampire thinks you are engaged to him and is waiting for you at the train.”

Guillermo is just gaping at him. “What?”

“Go.” Laszlo says, weary, his hands in a shooing motion. “Out of my sight before I change my mind, Gizmo.”

“Did you say engaged-" But Laszlo has stopped listening, and is instead eyeing the camera like it’s holder is a tasty snack.

“You will get in that coffin,” He says, his hands whirling around hypnotically. “And protect my good lady wife once you get to Great Britain.” The camera goes a little slack and starts to move towards the coffin.


Nandor is looking around for Guillermo, when the train attendant asks if he’s getting on or not. “One second!” He hisses. “I’m waiting for my fia- GUILLERMO!”

Guillermo is running, obviously out of breath and very sweaty. When he gets to Nandor, he stops, hands on his legs, heaving, “Sorry! Sorry, Master!”

“Guillermo,” Nandor chides. “I told you not to call me that anymore.”

The camera pans to the train attendant who mutters a, “I don’t get paid enough for this.”

“Sorry Nandor,” Guillermo says, straightening up. “Laszlo was going on about pushing me into a coffin, or something. He also said this strange thing about you…” Guillermo trails off, his eyes trained on Nandor’s hands, which seem to be smoothing down Guillermo's sweater. 

“Nandor?” Guillermo asks, in a small voice, face bright red.

“On or not.” The train attendant asks.

Nandor grabs Guillermo’s bag, and then his hand, pulling them towards the train. “On! On!”

Guillermo sends a look towards the camera, one of confusion and hope and affection.


Guillermo is now in a small bathroom on the train, the camera very close to his face.

“Okay, okay so,” He whispers. “I think Nandor thinks we’re engaged? To get married?!”


Nandor is sitting on the train, looking out the window peacefully. “Humans take such long shits.” He says, turning to face the camera.

Someone in the back of the shot frowns.


“Okay so, obviously this isn’t a bad thing. I mean, I would marry Nandor in a heartbeat. I think everyone would. Right?”


“Guillermo also promised to get me a snack.” Nandor said. “But humans who ride trains have meh,” he gestures with his hand. “Blood.”


“I just want to know how he got to this conclusion? Like did he hear me talking in my sleep,” Guillermo puts on a voice that’s supposed to be a Guillermo impression. “‘Oh Nandor! Let’s get married and ride off into the sunset together!’” He frowns. “I uh, dont dream about that too often.”


“I just don’t think enough virgins are riding trains these days.” Nandor says.

The person in the back of the shot is full on eavesdropping now, eyebrows raised.

“Maybe it is because they are all in their mother’s basements playing game videos.” He muses.


“I can’t just go up and ask him like, ‘Hey Nandor! When did we get engaged!’ Because either he’ll be like,” Now a Nandor impression, “‘Guillermo de la Buillermo, how did you not know?’ Or, ‘Did you get the brain scramblies? We’re not engaged.’” Guillermo’s panicked expression softens. “He did actually remember my name when he proposed our trip and my turning… oh my God. Is that when? Is turning someone on your ancestral soil vampire talk for marriage?”


Nandor is impatient now. “I think I will just go and find him.”

The camera shows him awkwardly stand up, jolting a little from the movement of the train, and then push his way through the aisle. It is just a little too small for him and his clothes, so Nandor has to turn his body back and forth. When he gets to the bathroom, he knocks.

“Occupied!” Comes Guillermo’s voice from within.

“I know it’s occupied, I was wondering when you’d come out.” Nandor says, leaning up to the door.

The door slides open slightly. “Nandor?” Guillermo asks. “What are you doing here?”

Nandor huffs. “I wanted to see what the hold up was. Are your human shits taking too long?”

Guillermo laughs slightly. “No, just, uh,”

The camera man from inside the bathroom worms his way out. Someone in the background whispers about trying to cut that out.

“Can we talk?” Guillermo asks.

“Of course.” Nandor says, eyebrows furrowed.

Guillermo pulls him inside the bathroom, closing the door.

The camera stays on the door, but the sound of their conversation continues. 

“Nandor I have a really stupid question to ask you.”

“It’s okay, all human questions are stupid.”

“Okay… Nandor, did you propose to me?”

A beat of silence, then. “Did I?”

Guillermo huffs. “Don’t be evasive. Did you or did you not.”



“Hypothetically, if a man were to propose marriage to another man, and that man were to say yes, and the first man were to get excited about said marriage, but then later the second man were to ask if that actually happened, the first man would be scared to admit that it actually did.”

“No! Don’t be scared! I just… didn’t pick it up. But I’m,” Guillermo’s tone is softer now. “Happy it happened. I wish I had known so I could have… acted more accordingly.”

“I will have to ask again then. Guillermo de la Cruz, will you marry me?”

Guillermo squeals a little bit. “Yes!”

There’s the sound of a kiss, heaving breathing, then Guillermo mutters about taking their mics off, and silence.


“I’m really glad Laszlo didn’t end up pushing me into that coffin.” Guillermo says, and it’s obviously much later. His hair has been styled differently, and he’s wearing a more casual version of his bodyguard outfit. He’s a bit paler as well, but it’s hard to tell exactly why. “For one, I’m like deeply claustrophobic.” He laughs a little. “Which makes you wonder about some of my life choices, but I’m taking it as it is.”

“I still think large coffin.” Says Nandor from the side. The camera pans to show him sitting next to Guillermo, almost so close, it must have been hard to keep him out of the previous shot.

“I know, I know, we’d just have to explain why we need a coffin that big…”

“You can say connected twins died. Or a man wants to be buried with his horse.”

Guillermo huffs out a laugh. “Anyways I’m a vampire now!” He gestures to his new teeth. They suit his face well, and it’s obvious he’s very happy about them. “And we’re married!” He shows off his ring finger.

Nandor who has been staring at him adoringly, now startles. “Wait, do it again,”

Guillermo gestures to his ring finger and Nandor does the same, a mirror image of a happy husband.

“Things have been… really, really good.” Guillermo says, fond eyes finding Nandor.

“Really good.” Nandor says, equally sickening sweet. Then he adds on, “You would not believe how much sex we’ve been having!”

“Nandor!” Guillermo exclaims, red faces, but he’s laughing as well. “But yeah, we have. We also saw the wonders of the world!”

“The world is very changed since I last saw it.” Nandor says. “I’m just happy to be with with my Guillermo.”

Guillermo flushes and grins. He grabs Nandor’s hand. “My Nandor.”

The couple forgets they are on camera, and just smile at each other, their eyes trained on the other’s face. The camera starts to back away as they get closer and closer. When they start kissing, Guillermo waves a hand at the camera like: go away! The camera backs away until it’s hidden, still filming the couple passionately making out. Guillermo flips the camera off, the screen goes black.