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Terrible Pick-up Lines

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roy

There has to be a first time for everything. And… Last night apparently was your first ever one night stand. Or how else are you supposed to call it? You don’t know. But there he is, sleeping soundly in bed next to you, in your bed. A man you didn’t know until yesterday night. 


That night you were sitting at the bar counter, sipping your rum and coke and wondering how the hell you actually got here. You’ve never even believed in internet dating, so how, HOW did it happen? It’s just that your friend was extremely convincing. And yeah, you’ve been single for too long, apparently. Anyway, a part of you still had doubts, and turned out this part was right - 40 minutes of waiting and already your second drink, but your date still didn’t show up. Were you upset about it? Not really. Mostly just disappointed and slightly angry. Such a waste of a Friday night. 

“Hey, you mind if I sit here? It’s kinda crowded.”

A tall dark-haired man pointed at the bar stool near you.

“Sure”, you nodded. 

“Great.”

The man sat down, and you took another sip of your drink. Even without looking at him you still could feel him eyeing you curiously. You sighed. The best decision would be to finish your drink and leave if you didn’t want to get in trouble.

“Uh, excuse me, are you alright?” 

“Huh?” you looked at the man a little confused. “I’m good, why are you asking?”

“Well, you just look a bit sad. Which is a shame. Pretty girls like you shouldn’t be sad.”

Ugh.

“Oh my god,” you let out a groan.

“What?..” Now it was his turn to look confused. And actually it was quite funny, you could hardly suppress a laugh at the sight of his baffled face.

“No offense, but do you realize how terrible this pick-up line is?” You explained. “What if I wasn’t pretty? It’s okay to be sad then? It’s actually even a bit sexist…”

“Whoa!.. Slow down a bit,” he raised his hands in a surrendering gesture. “I didn’t expect you to dig that deep.”

“Yeah well, maybe that’s my problem,” you muttered, returning to your drink. It was almost finished.

“Okay, okay, let’s back-wind it… Give me another chance, alright?”

You gave him a closer look. He was definitely older than you, but quite attractive. Simple dark shirt and a brown leather jacket looked really good on him. He had a scruffy beard, cheeky smile and surprisingly warm hazel eyes. There was something so effortlessly charismatic in him. You thought you could tolerate another horrible pick up line from him. Why not? Could be fun.

“Fine. Shoot.”

“So...” he cleared his throat. “Who’s the lucky guy?”

“What?” you frowned.

“Well you’re clearly waiting for someone, no?..”

“Not anymore,” you replied a bit gruffly. 

“Oh. So I guess that makes me a lucky guy,” he gave you a smirk. “How’s that? Better?”

“Yeah, maybe a little. Don’t you think it’s a bit too bold though?”

“Ah, come on! Don’t you girls like it? Please don’t tell me you’re into shy guys!”

“No, not really,” you shrugged. “I… can’t even tell exactly what kind of guys I’m into. It’s complicated.”

“I see. Okay, fuck it. Enough with these useless pick-up line shit. Can I just buy you another drink?”

He didn’t sound too pushy, and his smile… You definitely liked it. And you deserve something nice instead of this ruined evening.

“Fine, what the hell. We only live once.”

“That’s a very good point, I support it completely,” the man grinned. “The name’s Roy, by the way.”

“That’s nice to meet you, Roy,” you smiled back as you shook his hand.


A few more drinks later you found yourself making out with him on the backseat of an Uber on the way to your place. How did it happen? Good question. But he was funny, handsome, and certainly a damn good kisser. And you… As it was already stated, you’ve been single for way too long to resist.

As soon as you entered your apartment, you were instantly pinned against the wall. Roy’s kisses were shamelessly deep, wet and feverish; it was getting too hot in here, so you helped him to get rid of the leather jacket. His hands reached your thighs, urging you to wrap your legs around his hips.

“Where to?” He breathed out hotly against your neck in between the kisses. 

“There.”

He landed you down on your bed and tugged off his shirt. You watched him, biting your lip - the man was in a really good shape. Like… Really good. 

“Your turn, sweetheart,” Roy winked, tossing the shirt away. 

Looking him in the eyes, you slowly pulled your shirt off as well, then unclasped your bra. He licked his lips at the sight, instantly causing your cheeks to burn.

“I’d ask you if you’re sure about it, you know, like a gentleman… But I can clearly see you are,” he smirked.

“Get over here.”

He didn’t need to be told twice. He was there in an instant, hovering over you, kissing his way down the side of your neck to the hardened peaks of your nipples, and then further down. 

You were glad he chose to undo your jeans himself, because you were already so hot and bothered you couldn’t tell for sure if your fingers wouldn’t betray you. Roy apparently was hot and bothered as well, as he pulled your jeans down together with your panties. He only fumbled a little with your shoes, but soon all your clothes were on the floor.

Kneeling at the bed, he pulled you closer to the edge roughly, positioning your legs over his shoulders, and before you could even wrap your head around what was about to happen, he dipped his head down, burying his face between your legs.

You gasped at such a sudden attack, gripping onto the sheets desperately. His tongue seemed to be everywhere at once, teasing you mercilessly, and when he suckled hard on your clit you shuddered at the overwhelming sensation. One of your hands was still clenching at the sheets, while the other found its way to Roy’s head. Sinking your fingers into his dark hair you weren’t quite sure if you wanted to push him away because it was too much, or to pull him closer because somehow it still wasn’t enough. You arched and writhed beneath him, hips bucking uncontrollably, but he held you tightly in place, while eating you out like you were his last meal. Your gasps and pants soon turned into high pitched moans, and the climax hit you so hard you thought you were about to faint. 

When you opened your eyes, coming down from your high, the first thing you saw was his smug face. Roy grinned at you, his beard glistening with your arousal, and he looked abso-freaking-lutely proud of himself. 

“Are you here, princess?” he chuckled and leaned in for another kiss. You hummed contently against his mouth, your hand snaking between your bodies to cup his hardened bulge. 

“Why don’t you take your pants off already?..”


The rest of the night was pretty intense as well. You can tell it right now, looking in your bathroom mirror and seeing a couple of fresh bruises on your neck. You’re pretty sure you also left your marks on his broad shoulders. Yes, it was good. Better than good. You had three absolutely mindblowing orgasms, but… What now? When he wakes up, how are you supposed to act?

“There you are.”

He walks into the bathroom and hugs you from behind, letting out a content sigh and then kissing the top of your head. His voice is slightly hoarse, hair messy after sleep. He is incredibly cute like that, you cannot deny it.

“Morning,” he says.

“Yeah… Morning,” you mumble.

“I was thinking of taking a shower. Wanna join?” He smirks, but then notices your tense expression. 

“Is anything wrong?” He asks as you turn to face him.

“Listen, uh…”

“Roy.”

“Yeah, Roy. I remember. Look, I don’t know what you think of me, but… Just know that I usually don’t bring home random strangers from the bar.”

“Okay…”

“In fact, I’ve never done it before. And it wasn’t my plan, you know… I wasn’t looking for adventures. I just went there to meet a guy from a dating app, but he didn’t show up, and then you appeared…”

“I’m a lucky guy indeed then, huh?” He chuckles softly. 

You shrug, looking down at your feet. Why the hell it has to be so awkward? You’re a grown-up woman after all...

“Oh, I see. Maybe you want me to leave?” He asks suddenly. “I mean of course, you probably got your things to do, and…”

“No, I don’t want you to leave!” You cut him off a little too hastily. “I didn’t mean it. I just feel a bit weird. Not sure what to do and what to say, and I… We hardly know each other…”

“Nah, come on. You know me, I’m the king of terrible pick-up lines!” He laughs and reaches out to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear.

“You know, you look insanely cute when you’re all embarrassed like that.”

“Roy, seriously...”

“Alright, okay.” He says soothingly. “I have a suggestion. First - shower. Then - coffee. And then, if you don’t have any other plans, we could get to know each other a bit more. How does it sound?”

You look at Roy as he smiles and extends his hand. You look into his hazel eyes and suddenly all the awkwardness disappears.

“What the hell. We only live once,” you say, taking his hand.