We’ve done everything we can
In the blood of Eden
Saw the end as we began
..It was all for the union
the union of the woman..and the man
Friday, June 18, 1999
Scully is immersed in the sounds around her, the consistent click of her heels as she takes the stairs up to her apartment. The click transforms in texture to a thump as she transitions from the stairs to the carpet that covers the hallway on her landing. The walls of her level are a cheery yellow, her door soft white.
The colors illicit expectations of joy and positivity both of which have been missing from her life for a long time. The hallway is silent, except for the sound of her key scraping the lock and the tiny swoosh of the door opening. She closes the door behind her and takes a moment to look around, always on alert never knowing who will have breached the sanctity of her home.
She is fresh from her visit to see Mulder after his release from the hospital. She visited him daily while he was in the hospital recovering. He was an easy patient for the first few days, which made her worry more. Mulder is never easy. But, by the fifth day he was himself again, making silly jokes and complaining about having his ass hanging out every time he went to the bathroom. Her intention was to deliver the news about Diana Fowley and offer support to him if he needed it. Instead, she was the one that shed tears, all the stress of the last month pouring out of her. It was a relief to tell him how confused she’d been about who to trust when he was ill. It was a relief to be held by him. It was a comfort to be told she was his constant.
Now she stands in her living room, wondering why she has returned home. She should be at work; Mulder will be back in the office in a few more days and she has some cases to add notes to before he leads them off on their next weird adventure. Nevertheless, she decides to skip work today, it’s Friday and she’s exhausted from her journey and from once again hitting a wall of the unexplained. Before she can change her mind, she calls Skinner’s office and leaves a note with Arlene, saying she’ll be out today but will return on Monday. She doesn’t want to lie or tell the truth, so she provides no further explanation.
Finally, she places the call she’s been putting off. For several years now her stolen ova have been frozen in liquid nitrogen at a safe location. She always planned to get a second, even third opinion about their viability but she was never ready. And to be honest she had been afraid to seek options for fear there would be none. After multiple calls, to her current Gynecologist and to the cryopreservation facility she has a name and a number –
Dr. James Parenti M.D. OB/GYN (240) 555-0125
His office is only 36 minutes away in College Park. She calls and makes an appointment for mid-July. Her calls completed, she walks into the bedroom and changes into a comfy tee and yoga pants. She is anxious and wants to talk to Mulder, but until she knows pregnancy is a possibility, she’ll keep the appointment to herself. Mulder is why she is doing this; she almost lost him and can’t stop feeling as if she still might. This baby would be their connection, their tangible, physical connection. She blushes as she thinks this, she wants so much for this prospective child to be his. There isn’t any question that he is the only one she wants to ask. The only route she wants to take. Scully shakes her head to erase the sudden picture of this imagined child that fills her mind, there may never be a child so until the tests are completed, she will quiet the hopes and the fears and keep her mind on work. She pulls case notes from her desk files and digs in.
Wednesday, July 14, 1999
Scully is lost in thought as the elevator doors slide open to the basement of Hoover. She’s startled by the sudden ding and gathers her thoughts enough to walk through the doors. When she gets to the X-Files office she hesitates outside trying to decide how and when she’ll speak to Mulder about what transpired in Dr. Parenti’s office. She tightens her grip on the prescription in her hand, only remembering it’s there when she hears the paper crinkle. She can hardly believe that there is a chance for her to conceive. The next step is to ask the only man she can imagine fathering her child for his help.
When Scully enters the basement office, Mulder is sitting at his desk, perusing an open file and making notes. He looks up quickly when he hears her come in. “Hey Scully, I expected you back sooner is everything okay?” She wonders if her anxiety is written all over her face. “No, I mean, yes everything is okay. It’s better than okay actually.”
“Really?” He doesn’t say anything else and simply looks into her eyes expectantly.
“Yes?” He lowers his voice and leans forward in his chair. “Don’t make me guess.”
She speaks slowly and methodically, the import of her words sinking in as she utters them. “I found out today, Mulder, that my stolen Ova are viable. At least some of them are viable and I have the chance to try to conceive a child.” She closes her eyes for a beat then opens them quickly to gauge his reaction.
Mulder is smiling, his eyes appear light green as they do when his mood is good. She loves the swiftness with which his eyes shift hue its as if they speak for him. “That is incredible news!” He is up and out of his seat hugging her, before she can catch her breath. “There’s something else Mulder.”
“I’m sorry! Am I hurting you?!” He pulls away as if she is delicate. The reaction is so unexpected that she laughs. “I’m not pregnant yet!” He smiles wide. “But you will be!”
His comment sobers her instantly. “Not without your help.” She doesn’t break eye contact, seeing the moment her words take root in his face. He flushes and his eyes darken. She isn’t sure what to make of that expression before he quickly wipes it from his face.
“Wow, wow, are you asking me what I think you’re asking me?”
“Yes.” She doesn’t say anything more until his silence goes on a beat too long for her comfort. “I know it is a big request, in fact I think you should take as much time as you need to think it over.” She nervously grabs her bag. The prescription is still in her hand, forgotten again until now.
“Scully.” He reaches for her as she begins to back away, but she is determined to leave.
“I’m fine, Mulder. I think I’ll check in upstairs I need to have a word with Skinner and then I have to follow up on a few autopsy results from last week.” Scully turns and exits the office before the last word is uttered. She feels mortified and worried that his answer will be no. She doesn’t want to imagine choosing an unknown sperm donor. She can’t. She steps off the elevator on Skinner’s floor and walks right past his office. She wanders to the other side of the building and down a stairwell before she decides to leave the building altogether. She heads to Washington National Hospital to pick up a rushed autopsy report, but on the way, she stops and fills the prescription.
When Mulder calls and asks to come over, she agrees with no inflection in her voice. She spent the day away from him and went home early. Only fifteen minutes have elapsed from the time he calls until she hears his familiar knock on her door. In the moments after he says, ‘Yes’ she has already shut down her hope and is expecting a ‘No’. As she realizes that he has agreed to be her baby’s father, something akin to joy bubbles up inside of her. It is as if all their time together has led up to this moment. She hugs him tightly and he holds her just as close. He leaves quickly, heading back to the basement office to work on another case. After he is gone, she walks into her kitchen and takes her first pill.
By the end of July both she and Mulder have had a full work up.
By the end of August, she has had her first embryo transfer. Five days before the transfer, she began daily progesterone shots and continued them for 14 days after. She wants to be positive and count herself as lucky. Because her eggs were already ‘harvested’ she does not need to take the trigger shot of HCG.
By the third week of September, she knows the transfer has failed.
She has three more chances. She and Mulder hold out hope that one of those will take. Each new try must have several weeks of letting her body rebound. But instead, her body feels more worn down each day that passes. Mulder begins a morning routine of bringing her a healthy breakfast. Fresh fruit, plain yogurt, whole grains and lean proteins. Those things she appreciates but when he starts bringing her decaf coffee, she has a fleeting thought that she could happily murder him. Of course, she keeps these thoughts to herself. He is doing all of this for her, and she appreciates it, but as time drags on, she feels like she has failed them both.
My grip is surely slipping
I think I've lost my hold
Yes, I think I've lost my hold
I cannot get insurance anymore
They don't take credit, only gold
Friday, December 17, 1999
Scully walks slowly down the hallway outside of her apartment. She sees the yellow walls and her cheery white door and is reminded again of the day that started her down this road of dashed hopes. She feels the threat of tears behind her eyes and blinks rapidly to hold them back. Even so, the keys blur in her hand and she must concentrate harder to insert the correct key into the lock.
There is only one lamp lit and the room is mostly in shadow when she enters. But she knows Mulder is here waiting, so she doesn’t startle when he calls her name from the sofa.
“Scully.” Mulder rises quickly from the sofa. “I must’ve dozed off I was waiting for you to get back.”
He sees her expression and understands, his face and voice reflect his sadness. “It didn’t take, did it?”
“I guess it was too much to hope for...” Scully can’t finish her thought and begins to tear up.
He shakes his head softly and reaches out to hold her.
“It was my last chance.” She cries into his shoulder.
They stand together, quiet for a moment and then separate only far enough for Mulder to press his lips and then his forehead against hers. He whispers, “Never give up on a miracle”. That night he stays over to make her chamomile tea and hold her as they sit together on the sofa. They don’t speak and eventually she slips off her shoes and curls up on the sofa against him. She slips into sleep easily and he lets her. When he is sure she is asleep he rearranges them both so he can stretch his legs out and hold her cradled between him and the back of the sofa. She doesn’t wake and daylight finds them there together on Saturday morning. Scully is due to fly out that afternoon for a week of Christmas with her family in California. While Mulder plans to see his mom on Christmas Eve and then probably spend the rest of the holiday alone, per usual. So, they say their hushed goodbyes before breakfast, and he leaves her on her own. As she goes about the apartment packing and cleaning, she notices the pile of Friday’s mail at the door. She plans to sort thru it quickly and get back to packing, but inside a blue pastel envelope she finds a folded, similarly colored photocopy birth announcement. The left-side of the page has a picture of a tiny, wide-eyed baby with a tuft of blond hair staring directly into the camera. And the right-side has a picture of the baby held between his two smiling parents, whom Scully immediately recognizes: Sheila (nee Fontaine) and Holman Hardt. The cheery multi-colored pastel lettering below the pictures catches and holds her gaze.
It's a Boy!
Holman Fox Hardt
Arrival date: December 8, 1999
Arrival time: 3:06pm
Weight/Length: 7lbs 9oz., 18”
An ache settles in her stomach when she sees Mulder’s name. An ache she fears may never end.
Friday, December 31, 1999
Saturday, January 1, 2000
11:45:49 - 59pm
12:00 - 12:01am
Burnside Memorial Hospital
Rice County, MD
Mulder has been bandaged and he is feeling almost normal when he joins Scully in the waiting room. He’s happy that Frank Black is getting custody of his daughter, but he wants a similar happiness for himself. Watching the ball drop, Mulder wonders what’s next for him and Scully. He wants a baby almost as much as she does. But more than that he wants her. It has been a long road for the two of them and he wants it to last forever. He decides to take a step and see where it leads.
As the world celebrates the new millennium, he turns toward Scully and leans down; she turns and rises to meet him. The kiss is soft, warm and chaste but imbued with love. Their eyes meet as they separate, and he feels whole.
When she smiles, he returns the gesture. “The world didn’t end.”
“No, it didn’t.” She exhales and smiles softly to herself.
They wish each other a Happy New Year and Mulder leads them out with his arm over her shoulder.
I caught sight of my reflection
I caught it in the window
I saw the darkness in my heart
I saw the signs of my undoing
They had been there from the start
And the darkness still has work to do
The knotted chord's untying
They're heated and they're holy
Oh they're sitting there on high
Sunday, January 9, 2000
It’s a week later when Scully is awakened by a gust of wind from the open window in her bedroom. A window she doesn’t recall leaving open. It’s only after rearranging items disheveled by the wind that she notices her bedside clock displaying 6:66AM. When she picks it up to figure out why, the power goes out for a moment and when it comes back on the clock face says 6:06AM.
A few hours later, standing in a prison in Illinois she is staring at a photo of Donnie Pfaster and remembering that 666. She finds it disconcerting when Mulder tells her Donnie escaped at exactly 6:06am that morning.
When the song ‘Don’t look any further’ keeps punctuating her day, she can’t stop herself from believing that it means something. She spends most of the day pushing away memories of Donnie Pfaster and the way he terrorized her years ago. He left wounds she hasn’t examined for a long time. She finds herself agitated and reactive when Mulder wants to push his supernatural theories on her. Everything inside her tells her that Donnie is pure evil, nothing more and nothing less.
That becomes the thing that she understands clearly when he once again comes after her.
Monday, January 10, 2000
Scully can’t be sure how long she has been tied up. She can’t remember what time it was when she walked thru the door, but it doesn’t matter she knows she has to escape now, or Donnie will kill her.
She rolls in the broken glass strewn across her bedroom floor as she struggles to loosen the ties at her wrists, stopping only for a moment and ducking beneath the bed when Donnie crosses her room from the hallway to the bathroom. She manages to slip her tied wrists over her feet bringing her hands to her front. When she crawls across the broken glass, feeling the jagged edges catch on her skin in the places where her pajamas trap the shards. She is bleeding from so many tiny wounds that are greater than the physical. ‘Don’t look any further’ is playing again echoing through her head and all she can think is she won’t look any further. There are no ways to bargain with evil. She knows she will kill him. She won’t be his victim and he will never have another one. What did Reverend Orison say? “The devil’s instant is our eternity?” The song playing, the screaming burn of the cuts in her skin, her mind replaying images of every victim of Donnie’s and then she reaches for the gun. She doesn’t remember anything but the cold weight of it in her hands and walking towards him. Mulder is there, pointing a gun at Donnie, she can see his mouth moving and knows that he is yelling but she can’t hear him. She keeps hearing the refrain, don’t look any further. Sometimes the protection you need, the resolution you need is no further than the reflection in the mirror. She pulls the trigger; she doesn’t know how many times, but she doesn’t stop until he falls dead to the floor eyes wide and empty as they should be. And then she wakes up as if from a dream to the quiet in the room, the radio is off, and Mulder is standing there shocked and silent. After a pause, he points his gun and shoots Donnie once in the back. He is covering for her, adding to the tally so it looks like she had no choice.
That night Mulder takes her back to his place. The fear she expressed, when questioning what if it wasn’t God at work in her when she pulled the trigger; makes him afraid of what she’ll see when she looks in the mirror tomorrow. A woman protecting herself or the darkness she fears took over.
Mulder is angry at himself for not getting there sooner, for not being the one to bring Donnie down, but he is unapologetically happy that Donnie is dead. There has been so much death and harm in Scully’s life, and he feels as if it was created by him. He can’t escape the fact that so many of the things that have happened to Scully, happened because of her connection to him. It breaks his heart once again to know that he couldn’t give her the one thing that would have made up for some of her losses. He mulls over these things all while pulling out clean sheets and making his bed, doing a quick clean of his messy bathroom and then while she showers, he lays out a clean shirt of his for her to sleep in. He closes the bedroom door behind him and moves into the kitchen to clean the week’s dishes that are cluttering the sink. She pads softly out of his room in his shirt, but on her petite frame it resembles a dress. He can’t help but wince, as he catches sight of all the cuts and bruises that cover her exposed legs, the paramedics treated each one and Scully refused a trip to the hospital. He had to honor that but still worries about the beating she took, and wonders if he should have insisted, she go. She sits down on his sofa, folding her legs under her and covering them with the shirt for warmth and possibly to shield their condition from his view. Scully is not one to share her pain easily.
He turns back to his task, when he sneaks a look at her now and again, she is staring quietly at his fish tank. He finishes in the kitchen then comes out to sit beside her. He allows her space to avoid conversation. “The bed is all yours tonight, Scully.” He half hopes she will offer him a spot in it beside her.
Leaning forward she looks into his eyes and smiles. “Thank you, Mulder.” She reaches out and brings his forehead to her lips. “Goodnight.” With that she exhales softly and leaves the sofa, crosses into his bedroom and closes the door behind her.
In the middle of the night Scully gets up and opens the door. She returns to the bed and listens to Mulder’s soft breathing from the sofa. She is comforted by the familiar sounds of his home. His breathing, the gentle gurgle of the fish tank, the wind whistling in the trees outside his window. Even the persistent drip of the faucet in his bathroom. She lies there and remembers something else Reverend Orison said to her, something she never told Mulder. “You stand as you do now, neither here nor there, longing but afraid waiting for a sign, when the signs are everywhere.” She and Mulder have come so far together. She loves him, she has for a long time. She knows he loves her too, but sometimes she regrets how much he can see to the heart of her, even the things she never says. Of the two of them, she is the secret keeper. There are so many things between them that she hasn’t found a way to verbalize. She trusts him more than anyone, but even with him she holds back. It is the last safety she has; Mulder is the only one who has the power to usurp all of her. He wouldn’t mean to do it, but he could take over every part of her world. When she finally sleeps, she dreams not of Pfaster or of anything demonic. Instead, she is glowing in the dream. Holding tight to Mulder’s hand because there is life inside her seeking to be born and Mulder is telling her it’s time. One death has awakened her to the life that she is missing. The life that she desperately wants. When she wakes in the morning, Mulder is sitting on the bed at her hip, waiting. He is worried about her after last night’s events, but she has had an epiphany. She is no longer afraid of the darkness in her soul, no longer worried that it will win, she has decided to reach out for the light. She smiles at him, staying silent for a moment as his eyes take her in. Then she says, “I’m okay”. If she’d said she was fine he wouldn’t have believed her, but this time he looks at her, leans forward and kisses her forehead. “Good.”
At my request, you take me in
In that tenderness, I am floating away
No certainty, nothing to rely on
Holding still for a moment
What a moment this is
Oh for a moment of forgetting, a moment of bliss
Wednesday, February 9, 2000
Mulder pushes rewind and replays the tape to listen to Teena Mulder’s voice again. He can feel that something is wrong, that this is all wrong. His mother shouldn’t be dead, she couldn’t have killed herself and left him without an explanation. There were so many things unsaid between them, she wouldn’t have taken all her secrets with her. His mind won’t accept this lie. It must be a lie. Scully’s arrival gives him a moment of hope, expecting that she can bring him news that will make sense of his mother’s death. But, her words, her explanation physically hurt him. The idea that his mother would not only take her secrets with her willingly to the grave, but that she would never tell her son that she was ill?! He wants to reject Scully’s answer, at first. But he knows she wouldn’t lie to him. So, as quickly as his rage boils up, it is replaced with grief. He feels himself falling as if he will never land, but he lands in Scully’s arms, and she will not let go.
Scully’s body is stiff when she wakes suddenly. She’s sure that when they fell asleep, she was holding him but somehow, they’ve switched places. They are curled together on Mulder’s floor in the space between the desk and the coffee table. She can’t imagine how he has wrapped his big body so tightly around her that they both fit. But they can’t stay like this. She knows she must wake him, but it breaks her heart. She pulls away from him gently at first, but then with more force to escape his grip. He loosens his hold, but murmurs “don’t leave me, Scully.”
Scully releases a breath she didn’t know she was holding, “Never, Mulder.”
He starts to wake, and the grief comes back, forcefully, but this time it’s all of it. Samantha, Melissa, Emily, the loss of Scully’s fertility, his father and now his mother. It is a wall of grief that aches until it takes away his air. His body is shaking, and he doesn’t know how to still it. The howling he hears, sounds tortured and terrifying, because he realizes it is him. He can hear Scully repeating his name, calling him out of this dark place but he can’t get out.
She’s on her knees now, leaning over him and brushing her hands over his hair. Trying to soothe him, trying to calm him. She has never seen him this broken, and it guts her. Part of her understands why Teena Mulder did what she did, but most of her is angry at her for the hurt she has inflicted on her son for a lifetime. It is a miracle Mulder made it out of his childhood with his sanity intact. Suddenly, there is a banging on the door and a neighbor calls out. “Is everyone okay in there?!”
Scully, crosses to the door quickly not wanting to leave Mulder longer than she has to and opens the door abruptly. She shields the unknown blond man’s view of the room with her body. “There has been a death in the family. We apologize for the noise, but please understand.” As she speaks, she flashes her badge in the man’s general direction and he nods. “Okay, my condolences.”
Before the interaction with the neighbor is complete, Mulder has quieted. She bolts the door and re-enters the living room to discover that Mulder is missing from the room.
Scully finds him in the bedroom staring out of the window into the dark. She doesn’t interrupt him. She crosses the room into his bathroom and peeks into the tiny linen closet searching for clean sheets. She feels lucky to find some and busies herself changing his sheets and arranging his pillows. She remembers him doing the same thing for her just a month ago. This is becoming ritual for them and not a good one. When she is done, she walks up behind him and lays her head on his back.
“Mulder, let’s go to bed.”
He startles, turning slightly and looking down at her. He doesn’t ask her to elaborate or to define ‘go to bed’. He walks over and slides between the fresh sheets, following her with his eyes as she crosses to the bed. Scully is not making any plans or expecting anything. But she knows she is ready for the next step of their relationship whenever he’s ready. This isn’t the time to discuss it or even to want it. She can feel how inappropriate this might be, but she doesn’t care. She wants to offer him comfort in any way she can, and she wants to hold him tonight and be his anchor, his touchstone.
She removes her shoes, her pants, and her shirt shaking out each one and laying them across a chair in the corner. She picks up a clean tee of Mulders that she left out on the bed and slips it over her head. She’s still shy enough to wait until the T-shirt is on to remove her bra, slipping each strap off her arms and pulling the bra out through the sleeve of the shirt.
Mulder watches every movement Scully makes getting ready for bed. His grief is palpable but some part of him is enjoying this experience. He doesn’t know what the rules will be, but it doesn’t matter – almost naked Scully will be sleeping in his arms tonight. When she crawls into bed, she moves right into his arms. She lays her head on his chest and entwines the fingers of her left hand with those of his right. His left hand rises of its’ own volition to stroke her hair. Again, they both slide into sleep quickly.
It’s several hours later when Mulder wakes to find Scully watching him sleep. She is propped up on her side next to him looking at him in a way she rarely lets him see. She is all at once in love and in lust.
“I didn’t mean to wake you.” Her voice is raspy and breathless.
“Didn’t you?” His voice is low and eager. He is willing to do anything that allows him to forget the day.
He decides to stop thinking and lean into whatever she is offering. When their lips touch, he isn’t sure who moved first or faster. Her mouth is hot and wet. But she pulls away quickly to look at him and ask him if, he’s sure. His only response is to kiss her again and roll her beneath him before she catches her breath. The last coherent thought he has before the morning is her arching up beneath him to pull the shirt she borrowed over her head.
I can hear the distant thunder
Of a million unheard souls
Of a million unheard souls
Thursday, February 17, 2000
Arbutus Ray’s Home
When he got behind the wheel of the car, Mulder was sure that Sam was alive and that the answers to her whereabouts all these years lay with the ER nurse that checked her into that hospital in 1979. But suddenly when he steps out of the car, he realizes that his certainty was leading him to a different answer. This new awareness unsettles him, makes him afraid to walk up the sloping yard to the little house well-lit against the darkness. When he hesitates Scully turns back and asks him what’s wrong.
“I have this powerful feeling, and I can’t explain it, but that…this is the end of the road. I’ve been brought here to learn the truth.”
Scully looks into Mulder’s face and sees his sadness and fear. He cannot meet her eyes and she knows that he can’t be the one to ask the questions this time. She wants to resolve this for him, any way that she can. So, she offers to go ahead without him, to get the answer he is afraid to hear. And as she follows Harold to the door, towards the final paragraph of Samantha’s story; she hopes that Sam found peace. Most of all she hopes Mulder will find it too.
Mulder watches them from a short distance, close enough to hear the words. Scully’s voice is hushed but he intuits what she is saying, knows her that well. Arbutus Ray is kind and speaks clearly despite her age. She begins her story and when she acknowledges the vision she had of Samantha dead, he knows that his sister is gone. She has been gone all the years he spent searching for her. Already gone. He doesn’t need to hear the rest and their voices fade to a low hum. The open wound begins to bleed again, and he closes his eyes in anticipation of the sorrow.
It doesn’t come, instead he feels a presence and turns to see the same ghostly boy from the night before, hand outstretched beckoning for him to follow. There is nothing to do but go. They walk together into the trees and beyond into a clearing and into the starlight. The souls of children are playing in the starlight, full of joy and peace. He sees Amber Lynn smiling up at him as he walks by on his own now, moving further into the clearing. Then he sees her, running towards him at full speed. His heart recognizes her, Samantha as she must have looked at 14. She is beautiful and smiling. She wraps her arms around him, and he is stunned. Standing still for a moment coming to terms, both with her loss and with this bittersweet reunion. For a moment she pulls back, and they stare at each other. Brother and sister reunited. He feels a sense of peace sweep over him and smiles into her hair as she hugs him again and finally, he can hug her back. The other children have gathered around to witness their reunion. They are smiling and happy for both the living and the dead. It’s over. Before she is gone, before the starlight fades and he is left standing in an empty clearing he is finally able to say, ‘Goodbye Samantha, I love you.’
When Scully hears Mulder say, “I’m fine, I’m free” she feels something unravel within her as well. They have been on this journey for so long together. His story of losing Samantha is the first thing that bonded Scully to him. His grief and his unwillingness to give up left her in awe. She had never had that much commitment to anyone or anything. In a way, Mulder became her something to protect. She can’t imagine who she would have become moving through the world as disconnected as she had been.
Is that a dagger or a crucifix I see
You hold so tightly in your hand
And all the while the distance grows between you and me
I do not understand
Wednesday, April 5, 2000
Scully jolts awake, at first terrified, but then relieved when she realizes it was just another bad dream.
She can never remember the details; she just wakes with an intense feeling of foreboding. The dreams started when she was in Africa. She has only had them a few times since Mulder’s recovery from his brain anomaly. She has never told him about them, and she doesn’t know if she should, but they remind her of a Danish proverb her grandmother used to repeat: ‘The greater the fear, the nearer the danger.’
Scully is not given to letting fear guide her, but she wonders now if in this situation her grandmother is right.
Mulder is restless, he wants to leave this office, leave this country. When he hit on the story of the crop circles last night, he thought it would be a good opportunity to get away and to take Scully with him. She’s been tense and distant with him lately and he knows it is his fault. He was angry when she disappeared with CGB Spender, he was so furious because he was so scared that he’d never see her again. But, after giving her the cold shoulder for a few days and then ditching her on a case, the tables have turned. It is obvious to him that she is resentful of his attitude. So now they are stuck in this cycle of bickering instead of their usual cycle of bantering. He imagines a trip out of country on some stupid goose chase will give them a chance to spend time together away from their routine.
In celebration, he turns on a song he likes and works on a convincing case story pitch for Scully.
Scully is tired. She never got back to sleep after waking from her dream this morning. She’s also hungry but she’s already disappointed in the bland looking salad she picked up in the cafeteria. She wishes instead that she had chosen one of the more appetizing looking burritos that Mulder requested, for herself as well. Although as she rides the elevator to the basement, she is wondering how to bridge the distance that has settled between them. She hopes that rushing the results for the Szczesny
Autopsy will be a good start. But the moment she walks into the office she is assaulted with loud music and Mulder moving rhythmically in front of his projector. Although, she acknowledges to herself that she doesn’t hate the dancing. She tries to talk over the music but ends up turning if off abruptly when he doesn’t even acknowledge she is speaking. By the time he starts his projector led pitch on crop circles she’s already angry over his quick dismissal of her findings on the autopsy, without even a thank you for her completing it early.
Scully picks thru her dismal salad and stuffs tasteless bites in her mouth while Mulder drones on about his wild goose chase of the month. She is only brought out of her irritated bubble when she thinks she hears him say he isn’t wearing any pants. Mid-bite she pops her head up. “Hmm?”
“You’re not listening.” Mulder shakes his head for emphasis.
“I guess I just don’t see the point.”
He can feel the irritation build as he sees his carefully organized plan going down in a ball of flames. However, he continues his pitch and digs in deeper on those crop circles. He realizes his idea is a non-starter when says she’d rather take a bath then go with him. And then when she accurately points out that he can’t possibly get anything from this whole adventure since it isn’t remotely FBI related, he feels backed into a corner.
“I’ll cancel your ticket.” He’s so annoyed he’s compelled to leave the office; he throws the half-eaten burrito onto the projector and walks away to put on his jacket. When she asks why he never stays still, he tells her that he wouldn’t know what he’d be missing. And promptly leaves the office. As he steps in the elevator, he says aloud to only himself, “What I’m missing is you, Scully.”
Scully is left sitting alone with her bland salad and then just to add insult to injury the rest of Mulder’s burrito, which she surely would have eaten, falls to the floor. She’s never felt so lonely, she just wants their dynamic back. She wants her best friend back.
As the day goes on Scully finds herself looking into the eyes of a man, she once considered spending her life with. A man she thought she had loved. When he reaches out to her and lets her know she has never left his mind it sends her down a road of wondering what-if?
As Scully walks thru the minefield that Daniel Waterson has forced her to walk across with his re-entry into her life, she keeps having experiences that call to mind what the woman Mulder sent her to find told her. “There is a greater intelligence in all things. Accidents—or near accidents—often remind us that we need to keep our mind open to the lessons it gives.” Her experience in the Buddhist temple underscores that message. She saw a vision, or a reminder of all that she’d been through to get to this moment. So, when she finds Mulder out of place in a space that neither of them frequented, she knows it is meant to be.
Friday, April 7, 2000
Scully has fallen asleep on his sofa after an hour of conversation about the choices they’ve made in life. He listened to her talk about Daniel and who she was when she knew him. That version of Scully is someone Mulder can’t imagine, but he’s glad she chose to walk through this life with him. He has missed this, just sitting beside her and having her in his home. When she’s here the space feels different. It feels lived in, warm and comfortable. He pulls a blanket over her sleeping form, sweeps her beautiful coppery hair from her face and gazes at her. He breathes in her scent and remembers unbidden the one night they spent together in his bed. He has never, broached the subject with her. He has waited on her and her timing. He has learned that Scully cannot be rushed. But he wants to know her again in that way. He wants to explore every part of her without the specter of death hanging over their heads. This year has brought them both grief, and that grief remains, but the year also brought their relationship to fruition – at least he hopes so.
Mulder rises from the sofa and prepares for bed. It’s still early but the many hours he has spent on planes these last two days has worn him out. Someday maybe he’ll tell Scully that he was only on English soil for 6 hours before he cashed in his ticket and boarded the next flight home. The bureau will be furious over the cost of the flights, and he thought it was all a waste of time, but if their time apart is responsible for her return to his home it was all worth it.
Scully wakes on Mulders sofa and hears Colleen Azar’s question echo in her mind, “Have you ever had moments when everything gets incredibly clear?” Scully is having one of those moments. She can see clearly that the distance between her and Mulder is not in what has transpired in the last few weeks, but in what has been put aside in the last couple of months.
Before the death of Teena Mulder, they were moving towards a closer relationship, a whole relationship and even thought they went to a new level the night she died it ended there. The distance has been creeping in day after day, she can’t even remember clearly the last time she was in Mulder’s apartment. She has wondered if she did something wrong in being with him that night. But the wrong was in allowing it to be put away and not addressed. Mulder didn’t speak about it because she didn’t. He has allowed her to set the pace.
They bicker because they both want the same thing.
Scully rises from the sofa and walks through the open door of Mulder’s bedroom. At first, she thinks he is sound asleep, but he opens his eyes when she comes to a stop beside the bed.
Mulder plumps up two pillows and sits up in bed, “Hi”.
Scully sits on the bed beside him, she is already missing her shoes, so she must have left them in the living room. She pulls her legs under her and leans against his headboard her eyes meeting his, a very serious expression on her face. “Amor, Fati.”
“What?” His tired mind can’t grasp what she means.
She repeats herself with greater emphasis this time. “Amor Fati.”
Suddenly it clicks, “Love of one’s Fate.” He falls into his normal habit of explanation, “Amor Fati, translates to love of one’s fate. It is a philosophy of life wherein the believer chooses to accept all that has occurred, good and bad in their lives with gratitude and earnest affection. It was made most famous by the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche.” His words trail off and he looks to her for approval.
Scully smiles. “Yes, Amor Fati is associated most with Nietzsche but the writings that his beliefs were based on came from Marcus Aurelius. I was in medical school when I first heard the term.” Her voice takes on a tinge of shame, “I was dating Daniel, at the time it seemed so possible to love everything that had led me to that moment, Mulder. I felt strong when I was with him, I thought I loved him.”
She pauses, softly uttering the words. “I didn’t know what love was.” She looks at him and then continues. “After Daniel I was ashamed of myself, and I wanted to distance myself from that memory. I joined the FBI and my world expanded. Still, I hadn’t lived, and I hadn’t lost enough to test that theory. I forgot about it.” Here she pauses again.
Mulder is fully awake now. His voice is soft, but no longer clouded with sleep. “Until?”
“Until now, Mulder. Until you.” She exhales, as if she is deflating a wall that has stood for too long.
“I have come to realize that I accept it all, the good, the bad, the losses and the pain. I accept it all because it has led me to you.” She pauses for only a moment, her voice trembling. “I may not be a stoic or a philosopher, but I have finally lived enough to see the incredible road I have traveled with you, and I wouldn’t change it.”
Mulder is speechless and overwhelmed with his own gratitude. He reaches out to brush her hair away from her face. Then he leans over and kisses her softly, pressing his forehead against hers he repeats her pledge, “Amor Fati, Scully. Amor Fati.”
When he pulls back, she slides off the bed and slips off her black blazer throwing it on the chair in the corner of the room. But Mulder holds up his hand to stop her progress before she can move on to the next article of clothing. In a moment, he is out of bed and standing beside her. “This time, let me do the honors.”
Scully acquiesces and drops her hands to her sides, smiling as she does so. “Please do.”
Mulder precedes to slowly lift her top up and over her head, along the way his knuckles slide across her skin and leaves a trail of fire in their wake. The shirt is unceremoniously tossed in the general direction of her blazer. He moves on to her skirt, so utilitarian and bureau approved. He leans his body into hers, allowing his naked chest to press into hers. The only thing between their skin is her lacy black bra. He slides his hands around her waist and finds the button by touch. He unfastens it and slides down the zipper in one complete motion. By now Scully is fully aroused and enjoying this method of undressing her. Slipping his hands underneath the waistline of the skirt he pulls it away from her body and pushes it down until it pools at her feet. Without hesitation Scully steps out of it and he leans down, presumably to pick up the skirt but instead lifts her just enough to lay her down roughly across his bed.
“I think I need to speed this up.” His hands change from slow and gentle to quick and competent. He straddles her prone form and lifts her arms above her head. She has no desire to stop him or slow this down. Slipping his hands under her back, he unhooks her bra and then lifts it away from her body and over her raised arms. In the next breath, he slides the matching black silk panties down her legs taking her FBI woman pantyhose with them. When he slides back up her body creating friction along every nerve ending she has, he presses her against the bed and bites her softly at the slope of her neck whispering dirty things that alternately make her giggle or make her burn. She is more than ready for the main event, and he hasn’t even taken his pants off. He promises her they will get there but he’s going to make her earn it first.
She spends the remainder of the night holding him to that promise.
Thursday, April 13 - Sunday, April 16, 2000
Scully is finding this Morley case quite interesting. If people weren’t dying, she would admit that she was really enjoying the novelty of it. However, that changes in an instant when Mulder joins her and Skinner in the autopsy bay. He looks pale and mopey as if he doesn’t feel well. Then he coughs and immediately she’s on high alert as she has been the last few months.
She assumes that she has let her subconscious fear take over unnecessarily until he coughs again, deeper this time. She sees him hunch over to cough into his hand. Then he looks into that hand, obviously disturbed by what he sees.
“Mulder?” She crosses to him quickly and turns his hand into the light. The bright red blood streaking his hand fills her with dread, and she is gripped with fear so intense that she is rendered mute for moments. Only moments because the next thing she knows she is telling Skinner to get Mulder to the car and rushing around the room grabbing her keys and phone. She doesn’t think an ambulance will be fast enough. As Skinner drives them to Asheford Medical she calls ahead to prepare the medical staff. Hoping, praying that they aren’t too late. Running procedures and possible treatments thru her head as Mulder sits uncharacteristically silent. He hasn’t uttered a word since they left the autopsy room. His silence creates even more space for her fear to spread.
During the next day and a half, she stays beside him, figuring out a cure after seeing the yellow stained fingers of Daryl Weaver. Once Mulder has been treated with high levels of nicotine, she stays awake all night monitoring his vitals. Multiple times his body seems overwhelmed by the poison in his system, but each time he rebounds. When Skinner is sure that Mulder will survive, he wraps up their casework in Winston-Salem and heads home alone relinquishing Mulder to his partner’s care. All told, Mulder spends another two nights in the ICU under observation and Scully stays with him only returning to her hotel for showers and clean clothes. When he is discharged, they board their flight in Greensboro where she can finally sleep soundly for an hour nestled into his shoulder.
When they land, she drives him home and goes back to her own, only to run from room to room filling a suitcase and an overnight bag. It’s not long until she is back in his apartment, where she spends the night curled against his side watching his chest rise and fall. She knows he is getting back to normal when he wakes in the night, finding her watching him with worried eyes and makes lewd jokes until she laughs. At some point she falls asleep, surrounded by his scent and his warmth.
Monday, April 17 - Friday, April 21, 2000
It’s morning, Scully wakes early thankful to have had another night with Mulder. She breaks with her recently established ‘sleepover’ routine and takes a hot shower in his freshly scrubbed, by her, bathroom and pads into his bedroom to pull her clean underwear from his dresser. She has a couple fresh suits hanging in his closet when she is ready to get dressed for work. But, for now she grabs a clean shirt of his to wear until after breakfast. She pulls eggs and bacon from his fridge and cooks them, the same ones she brought over from her place last night. She butters toast and pours orange juice into the mismatched glasses she finds in his cupboards. When the coffee is ready, she carries all the bits and pieces of their breakfast into his bedroom on a makeshift tray – a cookie sheet that was the only item he had that would work. She makes a few trips and arranges the meal between his nightstand and his dresser. By the time she completes her second circuit, he is awake and sitting up in bed.
Mulder loves this side of Scully, the undressed to impress side. He has always seen the caretaker in her, but only a few times now has he awakened to this mussed hair, sleepy eyed, morning glory version.
“Does ‘breakfast in bed’ Scully come free with every near-death experience?” His voice is still gravely from the endoscope procedure.
Scully laughs, and it feels good. “Sorry Mulder, this is for a limited time only.” She must admit to herself that the gravelly voice and the way his eyes darken to brown when he’s turned on (yes, she can confirm that fact) is making it hard for her to stay on the task of getting food into him.
They spend the week like that, her going to work from his place and coming home to him in the evening with tales of the bureau. The first two days she comes back at mid-day to bring him a warm lunch and baby him a bit. She pretends it is a necessary evil that she’d rather not do, but she loves it. She loves seeing him in this context- just the two of them together not chasing ghosts or spaceships. Sitting side by side on his sofa, eating and talking about whatever crosses their minds. By the third day she leaves him pre-made food in the fridge with notes on how to reheat. Then she calls to make sure he’s eaten them. In the last couple of days, he calls incessantly bugging her about their current cases and insisting she listen to his endless theories, at least as long as he can keep his eyes open.
At the end of their week together, she goes home to her neglected apartment for the weekend but leaves her clothes at his place in the spaces he now calls hers. She thinks it will be easier to go back to working together normally, if they spend some nights alone. But she misses him and wishes for the hundredth time that they could be normal, like everyone else. She wonders if there will ever be a ‘normal’ life for them. If they will ever get out of the damn proverbial car.
We've done everything we can
In the blood of Eden
Saw the end as we began
With the man in the woman
And the woman in the man
It was all for the union
Oh, the union of the woman, the woman and the man.
Monday, May 22, 2000
Scully stands in front of Mulder’s ‘I Want To Believe’ poster and she thinks back to the first day she walked into this office. When she crossed the threshold to meet Agent ‘Spooky’ Mulder. The woman that she was then, was fresh faced and sure of what was true and what was false. She couldn’t imagine a world where people and creatures existed that science could not explain. That woman most assuredly would not comprehend that the very government she served could lie to her, violate her and murder the innocent. Scully, thinks back to the conversation she and Mulder had about ‘Amor Fati’ and she knows she would walk through the door of the X-files again, take his hand and step into the future. She can never celebrate the wrongs done to her and Mulder. She cannot see the murders of Samantha and Melissa as necessary, but she also cannot see a life where she didn’t choose Mulder. The FBI Auditor who spoke to her so rudely today and downplayed all that she and Mulder have done in pursuit of the truth failed to make her feel small. He only reminded her of how naïve she herself had once been before the veil was ripped from her eyes. This agent, unfortunately named Chesty Short is simply ignorant and protected in his world that has reliable variables and trusted constants. She hopes that for his sake, life allows him to remain that way.
Scully’s silent musings are interrupted when Mulder enters the office.
“I think I’m in trouble.” His voice is resigned.
Scully turns to face him, “Oh Mulder, how many times have they tried to shut us down?”
He moves with purpose, until he is standing in front of her. “Yeah but, I never actually assaulted an auditor before.” He doesn’t sound the least bit sorry.
Scully lights up, excitement in her eyes. She doesn’t try to hide her smile. “Did you hurt him?”
He nods, rubbing his forehead, smiling a bit himself. “I reduced his vision a little bit.”
The phone rings interrupting their conversation, before she can get the full details.
Scully will come to think of that phone call as the beginning of the end. Her prior musings about ‘Amor Fati’ will have no bearing on this moment. Because for the long months ahead she will wish with everything in her, that she and Mulder had made a different choice.
Tuesday, May 23, 2000
Sheriff’s Headquarters/Miles Residence
It’s so different now, Scully thinks as she and Mulder speak with Billy Miles; beyond the fact that he is a cop now and no longer the silent staring kid they first met. It’s more about how different she and Mulder have become. She was the pure skeptic on their first trip out here. He was willing to believe anything that got him closer to finding out what happened to his sister. But now she is less of an unbeliever and more aware that things can be beyond the science she understands. While Mulder is less willing to take the leap and so much more protective of her.
Later, following Detective Miles, Billy’s father around Bellefleur she is repeatedly overrun with memories of their first trip here. Her and Mulder laughing in the rain and the overall uncooperative nature of law enforcement in the town, she has a feeling that hasn’t changed. Detective Miles is treating them with a casualness that borders on rude, and his son is uncomfortable in his presence. She tucks the information away in her mind and turns her attention back to the case at hand.
Teresa Hoese (nee Nemman)’s Residence
When Teresa Hoese hands her the baby, Scully can feel Mulder watching them together. She enjoys the weight of this child in her arms and can’t help but feel the sadness that comes with knowing she will never have a child of her own. She’s aware that Mulder feels partially responsible and wanted so much to give her a child. Even before they crossed the set boundaries of their partnership and friendship.
He doesn’t say anything when they leave Teresa’s home and so Scully also remains silent.
Scully’s Motel Room
Scully let’s herself into her motel cabin. She turns on the lights and feels a sudden wave of nausea. She wonders if it is something she ate. She and Mulder had an early dinner at the small diner in town and she didn’t enjoy the meal. She starts to settle in for the night, pulling out her pajamas and turning the tv on for a low hum of background noise. However, when she walks into the bathroom to turn on the shower, she feels another wave of nausea and sudden chills. The chills feel as if she’s been immersed in an ice bath. She leaves the bathroom without turning on the shower and goes to sit down on the bed. She pulls back the covers and wonders if she should lie down and skip the shower, but another set of chills rack her body, and she suddenly wants to be with Mulder.
Mulder’s Motel Room
Scully knocks soundly on Mulder’s door, and it swings open as soon as she calls “It’s me.”
He takes one look at her, shaking outside in the open air and registers something is wrong. “What’s wrong Scully you look sick?” She still can’t control the shaking. “I don’t know what’s wrong.”
Within minutes of her explaining her symptoms, Mulder has settled her into his bed, climbed in behind her and wrapped her in his arms for warmth.
Mulder holds Scully against him, feeling her body tremble against his as if she were freezing. He presses his face into her neck for a moment, inhaling the soft perfume that she has worn for years. It is a scent he has come to love and feel comforted by.
His voice is husky and low. “It’s not worth it, Scully. “
He can feel her body still for a moment because she is surprised by his statement.
He waits for the question he knows is coming.
“I want you to go home.”
Her voice, still shaky with the unexplained chills, “Huh, Mulder, I’m going to be fine.”
He continues with his thoughts, “No, no. I’ve been thinking about it. Looking at you today, holding that baby. And knowing everything that’s been taken away from you. A chance for motherhood and your health and that made me think that…maybe they’re right.”
“The FBI, maybe what they said was true but for all the wrong reasons. It’s the personal costs that are too high. There’s so much more you need to do with your life. So much more than this. There has to be an end Scully.”
His words leave her overwhelmed. A feeling that has become a part of her in ways that make her uncomfortable. He smooths her hair with his fingers and brushes a kiss across her forehead, pulling her in tighter. She doesn’t speak, closes her eyes and goes to sleep. When she wakes in the morning, he has ordered breakfast and they eat it, seated together on his bed their backs against the ornate wood headboard. He doesn’t repeat his request that she go back, and she doesn’t bring it up. When breakfast is over, she returns to her room to get dressed.
Mulder calls her to say he’s heard from Billy Miles about Teresa. Something is wrong but Billy wasn’t clear on the phone. As they drive over, Mulder takes one hand from the wheel and reaches out for her. She takes it. Something is coming. They both feel it.
When they arrive at Teresa Hoese’s home it is surrounded by police cars, and her baby is being carried out in the arms of a police officer. Billy meets them as they exit their car and tells them that Teresa has been taken. Scully doesn’t understand at first but when Mulder points out a melted carpet spot in Teresa’s home, she crouches down to examine it and recognizes the green acid like substance. When she acknowledges that the substance is what he thinks it is Mulder nods and leaves the room. She explains the substance to Billy as a biological toxin excreted by an Alien. When another wave of dizziness hits her as she rises from her crouched position, only Billy witnesses it, and she resists his concern telling him she’s fine.
She doesn’t tell Mulder how she’s feeling. She hopes she can proceed as normal and do her job. Unfortunately, as they later follow Richie, whose friend Gary was abducted into the woods where Teresa is suspected to have been taken something else happens.
As Gary shows Mulder where he dropped his flashlight the night his friend was abducted, Scully walks a distance away to investigate the area. Suddenly, she is lifted and thrown, she isn’t sure if that’s true only that she finds herself on the ground dazed and aching.
It isn’t until Gary finds his dropped flashlight that Mulder notices Scully is not with them. He calls out to her and when he doesn’t get a response he is overcome with trepidation. He continues calling for her and retraces his steps quickly to find her. He finds her lying on the ground, disoriented. She doesn’t speak until he pulls her head into his lap. “I just… I just… I just hit the ground.” She struggles to get the words out, panting with every breath.
When she asks Mulder why this is happening, he can’t answer her, but he has noticed that the abductees that were taken aren’t being returned. He holds her closer to his chest, brushing her hair away from her face as they both try to absorb what this might mean. For Mulder, it is confirmation that Scully must return home. But as she lays in his arms the chill returns to her bones. She can hear the small voice inside her get louder and it says - ‘hold on to him. Don’t let go. Hold on to him.’ She can feel the blood rushing through her veins. She can hear the words repeat in the rush of her blood and the beat of her heart.
Hold on to him.
Don’t let him go.
She is so relieved when they board the plane that night. Doubly relieved when they cross the threshold of her apartment. He stays with her that night. He feeds her chicken soup from a can and makes love to her slowly and carefully when she won’t take no for an answer.
Friday, May 26, 2000
When Scully interrupts Mulder’s unexpected meeting with Krycek in the basement office the dread returns. And she hears it again. ‘Hold on to him.’ Time expands around her and even as she listens to him explain Krycek’s presence. Even while she walks alongside Mulder as the group moves through the building towards Skinner’s office and awaits the arrival of the lone gunmen she hears the blood in her veins again. Pulsing and whispering, ‘Hold on to him’. She stands, silent in Skinner’s office among the anarchists, the liars, and her believer. She hears his excitement in the possibility of finally having an answer to the conspiracy, and she fears the impending loss of him. She listens until she can’t anymore, and she simply walks out without a word. He follows like she knew he would, and she knows they are going back. Back to where it began and possibly where it ends. She will not go down without a fight. She will never be able to keep him from going but she believes she can protect him if she can just make a plan. But he shocks her when he cuts off her thoughts before she can air them. He doesn’t want her to go. He wants to protect HER. Her former self would fight him on this, but she is blunted by this overwhelming fatigue and feeling of unease. It’s like she is fighting a losing battle inside and outside.
He stops her breath when he says he doesn’t want to lose her.
They haven’t been this clear with each other, not in words. But she hears his fear now and wants to soothe it. But who she wonders will soothe hers? Somehow, she must stop this, protect him or keep him from leaving her behind but she doesn’t think she has the strength in this moment. Instead, she leans into him holding him close, she whispers - “I won’t let you go alone.”
If she can’t stop him, she will send someone to keep him safe. Skinner owes them. He owes them both and she tasks him with protecting Mulder. It’s all she can do now. She thinks that it was the right choice. Until hours later, while searching abductee files with the lone gunmen she realizes that she may not be their target. The abductees all share one thing, the anomalous brain activity that Mulder experienced a year ago. She understands the threat now, the chant, the dreams.
Mulder is who they want.
Whatever was out there in the woods knocked her back because it didn’t want her. She remembers now, the feeling of being thrown from something she was caught in. Like a spider’s web that rejected her. When Frohike confirms her hypothesis, she feels the rising, the rushing, the screaming of the blood in her veins and everything goes black.
The blood of eden keeps running through me
running through my veins
the blood of eden keeps rushing through me
when I'm sure there's none that remains
the blood of eden keeps running through me
I can feel it in my bones
that blood of eden keeps rushing through me
taking back what it owns
When Mulder sees all the abductees standing together in the circle of light, he knows. He’s leaving her. He is sorry that he’ll be causing her so much pain. Yet, he’s glad that it is him and not Scully they are taking. Scully is strong, stronger than anyone he has ever known. If he doesn’t return, she’ll be safe. The lone gunmen and Skinner will take care of her. But he remembers their talk about the souls of those you’ve lost in the starlight. And he knows that every time she stands beneath a sky full of stars, she’ll look for him there and he wants to weep. All he can think as he holds the cold gaze of the super soldier joining their circle is, ‘I love you Scully’. Then there is light and there is movement and finally nothingness.
Saturday, May 27, 2000
Georgetown Memorial Hospital
Scully is looking out of the hospital window from her bed. She’s waiting for Skinner to arrive, and she is waiting for any of this to feel real. She knows that Mulder is gone. She has already been told by Frohike. But she needs to see the man who was the last to see Mulder.
When Skinner arrives, it is a confirmation. His face and his voice betray him before he finishes saying her name. Now it feels real. She exhales the breath she was holding and waits. They do the perfunctory dance of politeness while he tries to find the words.
But when she hears his breath catch as he tries to tell her that her everything is gone. She decides she want to stop him, because his struggle is extending the pain. She looks at him, her voice wet with tears, “I already heard.”
Her admission doesn’t stop his words, “I lost him”.
The words insult her. Those words lie. SHE has lost Mulder. She has lost her best friend, her lover, her confidant, her..everything! She wants to scream those things now at Skinner. No! She wants to scream those things at the empty space where Mulder should be, because only Mulder would know what she is feeling right now. Only he can read her face, or her voice in an instant.
But instead, she allows Skinner to grieve with her as Mulder would want her to, he does not want her to be alone. And so, there are tears between them and a shared resolve to find Mulder. But, when Skinner moves to leave, she decides she wants to share one more thing. No one knows yet, it is a secret inside herself. She wants to feel joy, and part of her does but without Mulder the desire has altered. Without her believer, how will she do this? How will she face each day alone? So, right now before the days come that will magnify her grief because there is no longer a warm hand at her back and a funny whisper in her ear; right now, she wants to say the words. The words she has been waiting to say over so many months of trying. For a lifetime it seems. “I’m pregnant.”