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Old and Young

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I feel so old inside this young body.

Maybe I should just give up. Well, I wouldn’t really be giving up. I’ve done so much...good...and bad. No, no time to think about the bad. Even if it feels like there’s more bad than good. I’m not giving up...or am I? I’ve lost too much. So many good souls. They’ve moved on but I never do. I try to move on. I make it seem like I have, even if it hurts me to see their faces, but I’ve never actually moved on. All their faces are burnt inside my mind. So many memories. Sometimes I don’t even know what regeneration I’m on. I think it’s thirteen, or maybe it’s 1,000. Who knows and who cares, right? It’s not like anyone keeps track. It’s not like anyone should keep track. At the end of the day or night, or wherever I may be, I’m alone. I’ll always be alone. The closest I’ve ever come to not being alone was, wait, the name, the name, the name...he’s gone by so many names. Jack, that’s it, Jack. But even there I messed up. If I had only...no. There are more ‘if’s’ in my life then there are other words. How did I get here? To this planet? To this stage? Just yesterday I was celebrating River’s...no. No River. I can’t have River. Not really. Maybe that’s what I get for meddling. But look at all the beautiful things I’ve experienced. I’ve had more laughter than anyone, and so much more will come, right? All I need to do is find someone who will help me get out of this...mess. I don’t even know if I’m trying to get off this planet or out of this mind chaos. I will never forget all the wonderful things I’ve done with my friends. My friends. I have friends. How could I forget my friends? I push...pushed...them away but they won’t forget...not unless I make them forget. Donna springs to mind. Fierce Donna. She wouldn’t take no for an answer. It’s time to channel Donna. I’m throwing myself a pity party and I don’t even know why when there’s so much to be thankful for. So much. I didn’t even know I could feel so much love but I do. It’s bright. I feel my hearts growing and shining.

A smile crosses the Doctor’s face and he sets of to the TARDIS and on a new adventure.

“Ready?” The Doctor smiles. He can feel her answer.