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Alexa, How Do I Flirt Successfully?

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"What's wrong with you now Nandor?" Nadja groaned, throwing the papers she had at hand to the floor. "You've been fidgeting all day now, spill your guts!" 

Nandor looked up from his seat, he didn't think that Nadja would have noticed his behavior. Honestly, he needed the help and it would feel so good to have the whole dilemma out of his system. 

Nandor wrung his hands nervously and took a deep breath. "It's- It's Guillermo. I am flirting with him all the time but he just doesn't notice me." 

"You have?" Laszlo asked, coming into the room. 

"Yes! I'll show you." Nandor got up and walked to where Guillermo was clearing up some carcasses; Nadja and Laszlo stood a few feet away observing the whole thing. 

Nandor cleared his throat until Guillermo turned around and wow did gore suit him. 

Nandor placed his hands behind his back and proudly made a proclamation. "Guillermo, you look so adequate today. Good job on looking more than boring." 

Guillermo squinted his eyes and gave Nandor a tight smile. It was obvious he was smiling to keep from screaming. "Thanks, master." 

Guillermo grabbed an ax and one of the corpses and went to work. 

As soon as Guillermo was out of earshot Nandor turned to Nadja and Laszlo looking exasperated. "See, nothing!" 

Nadja looked at Nandor with unabashed disgust. She felt offended just by being told to witness…whatever that was. "That's how you flirt? That's how you flirt?! I should send you to vampire jail for that shit!" 

"It wasn't so bad," Nandor said, shuffling his feet around.  

"Nandor, that was pure shit, utter garbage."  Laszlo walked towards Nandor, looking just about ready to punch him. "There was no spice or nuance there." 

Laszlo heard Guillermo was coming back and pointed at himself. "Look at me." 

As soon as Guillermo came in Laszlo sauntered near him and crooked his eyebrows. "Gizmo, you do look quite ravishing today, ready to break marriages I see." 

Guillermo just stood there, covered in gore and holding an ax. His eyes swiped to the side trying to see if the cameras were there. When he didn't see them, he turned around and kept working.  

Laszlo turned around and shrugged. "Well, it's obvious the problem is with him."  

Colin walked to where the other vampires were standing. "It's obvious he doesn't like you."  

"Gizmo? No, he's charmed by me." Laszlo said with a scoff. 

"Not really, there's a lot of animosities there," Colin commented.  

"So, maybe he just doesn't like you." Nadja said to Nandor.  

Nandor's eyes widened and he stood stone-still, suddenly Colin flinched in pain."Oooooh, I felt that."  


Another night Guillermo was sitting on the staircase playing on his phone when Nandor entered the room. He looked around and straightened out his cape. 

Nandor walked to the stairs and sniffed the air dramatically. "What is that smell?" 

Guillermo looked up from his phone and smelled around. "It might be me. I changed my shampoo. Why? Does it bother you?" 

"Well, it is not unpleasant, you smell just okay. You may wear it more often if you want." Nandor said, waving his hand dismissively. He felt really proud, now Guillermo would feel flattered and he would wear that nice honey and oats scent that matched him perfectly.  

"Sure thing, master." Guillermo sighed, rolling his eyes. 

Nandor frowned at that and walked to the library where Nadja was standing in the middle. She looked at him with unadulterated anger. "Nandor, I want to punch you. I want to kill you; I wish to take your large intestine out of you and make you wear it as a scarf." 

Nandor rolled his eyes and face-planted on the sofa. Next to him, Doll Nadja tisked at him. 

"That is not flirting, burning his childhood house would be nicer than what you just did." The doll said. 

Nandor groaned and got back up "It's not that bad. I'm going to talk to him." 

He walked out calling Guillermo until he saw her. "Guillermo! I wanted to-Fucking guide." 

The Guide was currently hugging Guillermo's arm while Guillermo looked like he was going to maim her. 

"Oh my, what strong arms you have. Is it because of all that slaying?" 

"Nope, just dragging dead people around," Guillermo said through gritted teeth.  

"Well, I'm one dead person you can haul around as much as you like." The Guide said, caressing Guillermo's curls. 

"I'm going to go now. I have to dust or whatever." Guillermo pushed The Guide away. He walked off while The Guide kept looking at him. "Alright but do it shirtless, it would be such a pity to stain that nice sweater and shirt." 

"See that's a good flirt." The doll said. 

"But Guillermo didn't even look like he wanted her affection," Nandor said, glaring at that disrespectful two-bit secretary wannabe who dared to cuddle Guillermo.  

"So, it all boils down to the person and I'm sorry to say it again but maybe he doesn't like you," Nadja said, matter-of-factly making Nandor groan in pain. 

"Okay stop saying that I'm getting heartburn!" Colin yelled from the basement  


Nadja entered Guillermo's room, closing the curtain behind her. Despite the obvious demands for attention Guillermo just sat on the bed and kept reading his book. 

Nadja placed her hands on her hips and cleared her throat. "Guillermo, do me a favor and just react favorably when Nandor tries to flirt with you." 

Guillermo sniffed, still reading his book, and asked her a simple question. "Why?"  

"Because he's moping around that's why!" Nadja said, flailing her arms in anger. How could he be so unbothered by this? 

Guillermo tore his eyes away from his book for a second, and gave Nadja a fake smile ."Okay, so whenever he flirts well, I'll react favorably." 

"Wait, you knew he was flirting?" 

"When you spend every waking minute with a man for over 10 years, you tend to pick up a few things," Guillermo said with a small shrug. He then went back to his book. 

"So why didn't you react nicely!?" Nadja hollered.  

Guillermo closed the book and inhaled. He then turned to look Nadja dead in the eye. "Would you?" 

"Well," Nadja started, then stopped realizing that she'd rather drink rabbit piss than accept something so pitifully pathetic. She gulped hard and continued "I'm a vampire so I wouldn't have to accept-" 

"No, no, no. If you were human, would you?" 

Nadja grimaced then sighed. "No, if he would have said that to me, I would have ripped his testicles apart." 


"But he likes you so why not pretend you like him too."  

"I don't need to pretend to like him, Nadja. I like him plenty, too much if I'm honest." Guillermo got up from his bed and faced Nadja head-on. "What I need to do is have bigger standards." Guillermo aggressively pointed at Nandor's room. "And if he can flip backward and change his whole attitude and self for other people he likes, the least he could do is tell me I look cute without making it sound like I give him constipation." 

After a quiet second, Nadja placed a hand on Guillermo's shoulder and nodded. "I respect that." 

Nadja left the room feeling thoroughly impressed, maybe Guillermo could be the one to snap Nandor out of his pathetic state. 


"Oh Guillermo, can you come over to my room?" 

"Yes, master?" Guillermo said, sighing as he came inside. 

Nandor was standing proudly yet again as if he was finally going to say something amazing to Guillermo.  

"I just wanted to say you are looking more and more like a..."Nandor paused, putting a finger on his chin until his face lit up. " An old mantelpiece!" 

Guillermo frowned and squinted. He scoffed as he got closer to Nandor "That's it?" 

"Excuse me?" Nandor asked, offended.  

"Nandor" Guillermo sighed "you like me, right?" 

Nandor's eyes widened and he felt his stomach flip over and over like roadkill under an 18-wheeler. "I… yes." 

"Then show me!" Guillermo said, grabbing onto Nandor's cape. 

"Guillermo, I'm trying! It's very hard to express my feelings for you."  

Guillermo let go of Nandor's cape and paced around the room. "It's not that hard! It shouldn't be. I mean 750 years, c'mon Nandor." 

"Oh, so if it is so easy you do it! Show me how it's done!" Nandor snapped, crossing his arms. It didn't matter how much Guillermo made Nandor feel like life was worth living, he wasn't about to get insulted like that. 

"Fine!'' Guillermo grabbed Nandor's face and brought it down so that he could plant the most salacious, most passionate, most loving kiss Nandor had ever received in his vampiric life, and honestly his human life too. Guillermo's lips were just as skilled as his hands and his mouth was warmer than what Nandor imagined.  

Also, unlike what Nandor expected, Guillermo wasn't gun shy at all when it came to kissing. The kiss wasn't a soft press of lips like two preteens kissing after a movie date, the kiss was a lonely warrior reuniting with their loving spouse that waited faithfully for years.  

When Guillermo backed away Nandor's lips were red and his eyes were wide and full of love. Guillermo smiled at that. 

"I had- I didn't understand what you meant, please repeat yourself and do it more slowly please." 

With a smirk, Guillermo brought Nandor down again. And oh, it didn't make sense that Guillermo knew how to kiss so well. Nandor saw the interviews, Guillermo didn't kiss. 

"Guillermo, how did you know how to suck face like that?" Nandor asked in between kisses. 

After a few seconds, Guillermo backed away. "I've had some practice. Not a lot but I always tried to take advantage of the situation."  

Whatever times Guillermo did get to kiss someone he always tried to learn and test out some different types of kisses (He also took advantage of those familiar meetings to learn a thing or two.) 

"So let me see if I understand. Your feelings for me are this." Nandor grabbed Guillermo's waist and brought him up, kissing slowly and tenderly. 

"More like this." Guillermo went in again, kissing tenderly but there was a somewhat unhinged passion underneath. Guillermo tilted his head as he kissed and nipped at Nandor's lip gently. He stopped kissing to look at Nandor dreamily "But you get the idea." 

Nandor grinned and touched foreheads with Guillermo "I actually think I need one more to get a grip on the idea. " 


Guillermo was dusting Nandor's coffin when the lid slowly opened revealing Nandor. "Hello young human virgin male, I haven't seen you around before." 

Guillermo stifled a laugh unsuccessfully. He let out a big cackle, doubling over clutching his stomach. 

"Ugh, What?" Nandor said, rolling his eyes. 

"Young human virgin male?" Guillermo said, wiping the tears off his eyes. 

"You're 30 and you're certainly a virgin. And you are a human male. The most beautiful of the human specimens, if I might add." Nandor said, giving Guillermo the once over. 

Guillermo grinned and pointed at Nandor. "See that's good, what you just said there."  

"Oh, I see." Nandor said, picking up a little notebook from the counter of the coffin and writing notes down. "Compliment beauty by stating the obvious." 

"What about I've never seen you around before? Did that work?" Nandor said, biting the end of the pen expectantly. 

"Nandor, I live here."  

"But it adds an air of mystery. " Nandor whined. 

"If we were strangers, I know you," Guillermo said, getting close to Nandor and tucking a hair behind the vampire's ear. 

"It worked for Edward," Nandor said, tucking the notebook back into a corner. 

"Edward didn't know Bella and he was a creep. A gross creep." Guillermo said, getting closer to the coffin.  

"I see," Nandor said with a pout. 

"Also, Bella was a total idiot too." Guillermo said with a shrug.  

"Yeah, that's true." Nandor placed an arm around Guillermo's waist bringing him close. "You're not that stupid. At all." Nandor said with a sultry tone similar to Pepe Le Pew's 

"Thanks," Guillermo said, getting hot in his cheeks not because of Nandor flirting but because he tried to hold down a laugh. 

To distract himself Guillermo looked at the time and sighed. "It's almost sunrise."

"Would you like to rest here? The chaise is quite comfortable." Nandor said, waving his arm around. 

"No, I think it is more comfortable to sleep here."

Guillermo traced a hand down Nandor's chest. Nandor's eyes widened and he looked at Guillermo who looked back with a sultry look. He smiled, quite impressed at Guillermo."You're quite good at that, Guillermo! "

Guillermo beamed at that. "Thank you."

"But I think you need to do a brushing up on your other technique." Nandor grabbed Guillermo by the waist and brought him inside the coffin. 

"Practice does make perfect." Guillermo said shuffling around to get more comfortable. 

"You must practice constantly then." Nandor said, kissing Guillermo's cheek.

"No. But I think I should, starting now." Guillermo said as began to kiss Nandor slowly and passionately. Before he got lost in a love drunk stupor Nandor squeezed Guillermo close and shut the lid.