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Found What I'd Been Looking For In Myself

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The realization first hit Haise when he was remembering what it was like to be undercover. It wasn’t so much the dress, the makeup, or the wig, (although all of that was very nice too) but the fact that everyone around him had been calling him a woman. He could feel a small twinge of joy every time someone bumped into him and said, “oh sorry miss!”, or when the other Quinckies called him a girl.
‘I want that. I want them to call me that all the time. It feels… right.’

The thought made Haise feel shock. And then a bit of fear. That… couldn’t be right. Haise is a boy. Always been a boy. None of this makes sense he’s NOT A GIRL. But… but then he couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like to be called a girl every day. To be referred to as ‘miss’. To have his boyfriend call him ‘beautiful’ instead of ‘handsome’.
It made him feel happy... And more than a bit sad that he couldn’t have that… he wanted to cry, he wanted that so badly, 'I just want everyone to call me a girl I don’t want to be a boy anymore I don’t want to be called a boy.'

That was that. He needed to do research.
He could just ask Mutsuki about how he felt when he realized he was a boy, but Mutsuki was shy about that, he didn’t want to push him. And besides, he didn’t feel like he wanted anyone else to know just yet, he was too embarrassed.
Instead Haise turned to the trusted internet. He typed in different terms, ones he had heard Mutsuki say once in a while, and clicked on the first few articles he saw.
Haise’s eyes widened with every article.

‘A trans girl… I’m a trans girl.’

And Haise began to laugh. And then he began to cry. What was he supposed to do now? He can’t just continue to live pretending to be a boy, not when he knows he’s a girl. He’d have to tell them… the Quinckies, Tsukiyama, Suzuya and the others at work… They’d have to know.

*
They’ll call you a freak, they’d see you as even more of a monster than you already are.
But Mutsuki is like me and he’s not a freak or a monster.
You aren’t Mutsuki. You’re different you’re worse you’re already a monster anyways.
This doesn’t make me a monster, being a trans girl doesn’t make me a monster.
The quinckies won’t love you anymore. Tsukiyama won’t love you anymore. He’ll be disgusted by you. They all will be.
No.. no Tsukiyama loves me. They all love me they wouldn’t-
Yes they would.
*

“No,” Haise said out loud. “No they won’t. They love me. I’m not a freak, I’m not disgusting. I’m just a trans girl and that’s ok. That doesn’t make me a freak.”

And with that Haise knew what he had to do.

 


Haise had never felt more nervous. To be honest that was probably untrue, but since Haise didn’t have all of their memories, there wasn’t much to compare this feeling to. But boy were they feeling nervous. Haise could feel their legs shaking and their stomach twist into uncomfortable knots. They could almost hear whispers in the back of their head telling them this is a bad idea Haise, don’t do it don’t do it. But at the same time there was another voice, a softer, voice telling them that this was necessary, and that no matter what happens it’s for the best and it’s better to do this than to not and live in misery.

When the doorbell rang, Haise jumped. They waited a second, willing any of the other Quinckies to go open it before they remembered that they were all out. ‘I have to do this. Come on Haise you can do this you can.’ And with a deep breath they got up and slowly walked towards the door. The handsome, beaming face of Tsukiyama Shuu greeted Haise when they opened it.

Bonjour mon cheri, how have you been?” he sang out happily. Usually Haise would roll their eyes and laugh at their boyfriend’s dorky overuse of French but this time they were too nervous. ‘I might never get to hear him do that again’. And that nearly scared Haise from doing what they were about to do.
Tsukiyama noticed Haise’s unhappy demeanor. “Ka- Haise, are you alright?” he asked, concern in his eyes.

Haise breathed in, “I need to talk to you about something important. Sit with me please?” they gestured towards the couch in the living room.

“Alright mon cher.” Tsukiyama said carefully, following Haise onto the couch. Haise sat down first, staring down at his hands and willing them to stop wanting to shake. They were silent for a few moments, wondering where to begin.

“Haise?” Tsukiyama asked softly, “Tell me what’s wrong please?” Haise glanced up at his face, which was shrouded with worry.

“Im a girl.” They blurted out.

Tsukiyama blinked, “Pardon?”

 “A girl. I’m not a boy. I’m a girl. A trans girl” Haise rushed out. They could feel their heart beating faster and faster with every word but they couldn’t stop once they started, “I don’t feel like a boy. Not at all, maybe my old self did in the past but who I am now is a girl.” They thought of Mutsuki, and what he had said when he came out as a boy, “I want to live as a girl from here on out. Because that’s what I am.”

Now Haise could feel tears filling their eyes, and their voice began to shake, “I understand if this is too much for you, and you want to break up. I won’t hold it against you, but I still love you and I hope that we could stay friends at the least.” Haise choked out the last few words and went back to looking at their hands.

There was silence for a few moments before Tsukiyama spoke up in a gentle tone, “Haise, please look at me.”

Haise looked up slowly, terrified of seeing disgust in Tsukiyama’s face, but all they saw was worry and love. Tsukiyama reached out for Haise’s hands and held them gently.

“I’m not going to leave you because you are a girl mon amour. I love you, and would be very happy to be the boyfriend to such a magnifique mademoiselle.” At this he smiled and leaned over to leave a kiss on Haise’s hands.

Haise began to cry, all of their fear, worry, joy, and relief released in that one moment. “I love you. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, mon amour, no matter what.”


 

“Sassan! Yer boyfriend is at the door!”

“Thanks Shirazu! I’ll be right there!” Haise looked at herself in the mirror. She was wearing a sundress, one that the others had gotten for her after she came out to them (Mutsuki had hugged her and Shirazu had given death glares to Urie, daring him to say something gross, but Urie who only shrugged and went back to his room, while Saiko only asked if she wanted to cosplay some magical girl character with her.)

The dress was lovely, and she felt absolutely right in it. 'I’m so happy, it feels like a dream.' Her friends had accepted her, her boyfriend adored her, and at work no one said a thing (though that could have been because Suzuya threatened anyone who dare say anything). She let out a small happy laugh and walked out into the living room where the others were waiting.

“You look beautiful Sasaki!” Mutsuki said with a small smile. Saiko give a thumbs up from behind her video game.

“Thanks you guys. Honestly thank you.” Haise felt her smile widden. And then she looked towards the door where Tsukiyama stood, holding a small bouquet of jasmines.

He stared at her with wide, awed eyes. “Bella,” he whispered. “Mon cheri, you are absolutely stunning.”
Haise laughed but she could feel her cheeks growing warmer (especially with Saiko making teasing noises in the background). “Thank you Shuu, are you ready to go?”

“Just a moment, amour.” He plucked one of the flowers from the bouquet and placed it behind Haise’s ear, “There we go, perfect.”

Haise’s smile lasted for two days after that.