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What I Miss

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“Do you ever miss home?” Lena asked from her spot on Kara’s couch, setting her empty plate down on the coffee table. Takeout containers from the pair’s favorite new Italian restaurant sat scattered around the space. They shared dinner together nearly every night since Kara returned from the phantom zone.

Kara quickly finished her bite of food before answering. “What do you mean?” She set her plate down and looked to Lena. “Krypton?”

“No.” Lena shook her head. “Our home. Our old world. The universe before the merge, before Crisis.”

“Oh, that.”

“Do you ever miss it?”

“I do.” Nodding slowly, Kara moved to place her arm on the back of her couch, folding her legs beneath herself to get comfortable. “My past here isn’t the past I actually experienced and that can get weird.  But I still have my memories. And you and Alex and all the super friends remember.” She breathed deeply and released some tension in her shoulders. “After everything that happened, I’m just glad that we’re alive, that we exist.”

Lena gave a sad smile, a slight twitch to the corner of her mouth, a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “Some things are definitely better—a lot of things. I like how far we’ve come.” Hands folded together as Lena placed them in front of herself, occasionally lifting them to subconsciously emphasize words. “When the merge first happened, I felt like I lost everything. I already didn’t have you, not really. 

“I put so much work into building L-Corp. Here, my past doesn’t define me—and I’m grateful, I really am—but everything I worked for suddenly meant nothing to anyone but me. Sam isn’t my Sam anymore. My mother, Lillian I mean, it felt like things were changing, improving if even just slightly. It’s like we took ten steps backward. She doesn’t remember what really happened, why I’m so resentful, how she hurt me. I don’t know that I miss it, but it’s hard to know who I am here, you know?”

Kara moved closer to Lena, grabbing her hands and rubbing soothing circles on her knuckles. “Lena, I didn’t realize how much this was weighing on you.”

Lena looked down at their hands, dark waves of hair falling forward to shield her face. “I really love where I am now, untethered to a guilty responsibility to fix what my brother broke. It’s not broken the same way here. I wouldn’t dare change it, but it still hurts. I still hurt.” 

Kara moved to wrap her arm around Lena’s shoulders. “I think I can understand a bit, but I can only imagine how it must feel for you. Eliza, she’s not the same Eliza I knew, the adoptive mom I grew up with. She’s still Eliza though, the essence of her, but I miss being able to share a lot of those specific memories. It’s been so strange.” She sighed. “There was a boy named Kenny, my first real friend on Earth, who died when I was in high school.” Lena grabbed the hand laying on her shoulder and squeezed. Kara reciprocated with a squeeze of her own. “Here, he’s alive and well and I’m so happy that he could survive in this time, but my heart still mourns for that boy I knew.”

The pair sat in silence, opening themselves up to just feel and experience, to lament and mourn together for a just few minutes.

“You know what I miss?” Lena let out a quick exhale of amusement.

“What’s that?”

“My couch.”

Kara let out a quick and loud, “Ha!” and pulled back slightly, using her hands to wipe tears from her eyes. “Well, that took a turn!”

“No, but seriously, that couch in my office. I don’t have that here. It all changed and that couch held so many memories, good and bad.”

Kara smiled. “I certainly have some great memories there. A lot on this couch too.”

“We had so many lunches and visits there. So many moments where I could finally be vulnerable.” Lena turned to face Kara and bring their hands together again. “Before we fought, most of my happiest memories were there. On that couch. With you.”

Kara stole back one hand to tuck Lena’s hair behind her ear and support her head. She looked directly into Lena’s eyes. “You still have me. I’m still here and I remember. I remember you, Lena, and I won’t ever leave.”

Lena looked at Kara with the brows of a skeptic. “You can’t guarantee that.” Kara only inched closer.

“Maybe not, but I’ll try. I’ll try like my life depends on it because it does.”

“Why?” Lena searched Kara’s eyes, desperate for the answer.

“Because you are the most important person in my life, Lena. Over everything else, every time, I would choose you.”

Each woman felt the breath of the other on their face. Eyes flickered down to lips. Kara moved close enough to make her intent obvious and waited for Lena to decide if she would finish the motion. 

They kissed, softly, with warm lips and bodies joined and everything felt right. There were no fireworks the first time, no explosions, just a perfect fit, a click into place, tender love and happiness like coming home.

They sat for a long moment, basking in the intimate contact they shared.

“I’m yours, Lena. All those moments we shared, they’re here.” Kara touched her hand to her own heart. “And here.” She touched her other hand to Lena’s heart. “And there will be more. Like now, in this room, on this couch. We have that.”

Lena smiled. “Yeah. We do.”