This was the only time anything good ever happened to Ted Mosby after two am:
Ted had been consuming the best sandwich he’d ever had while trying to listen to Barney’s Shakria MP3s and see if it was true what they said about ‘Hips Don’t Lie’ (No, if you play it backwards you can’t hear her say ‘I killed Charro’).
Barney had been trying to help Robin jimmy a stuck zipped down to her hips with his teeth. The silk Ralph Lauren knock-off she’d bought wouldn’t budge in either direction, and Robin desperately grabbed the hem, ready to tear it.
The notion of her ripping something so pretty was enough to make Barney intervene. “I’m going in!” he announced and pulled the dress up to her hips, diving mouth-first into her sex.
“Barney…BARNEY WATCH OUT FOR THE TAG!” she cried out, before he tickled her clitoris, silencing her with a surprised moan.
“GUYS. GUYS!” Ted shouted, staggering in, the sandwich dangling crushed in his fingers. “I think she’s saying ‘I like cheese spread’.
Robin and Barney gawked at Ted, their hands frozen on bare skin. Ted stared back, his eyes stunned and stupefied.
Then a grin spread across his face. “Par-TAY!” Ted crowed, shedding his teeshirt and boxers on the way to the bed.
Robin, as always, was the leader – she told them what to do, when to do it, until Barney silenced her by sliding his mouth between her legs and resuming stimulating her. Ted tried to give him instructions but Barney knew exactly how to make her quiver and pant, leaving Ted to work her breasts over and instruct Barney to ‘go! Go! Go!’
“Oh God, I feel like I’m at a football game.” She grabbed the top of Barney’s head when he started chuckling. “No stopping!”
Barney kept stroking Robin’s clit, polishing her gently, and Robin fell backwards into Ted’s arms, kissing him between snickers. She massaged his skin with her open palm, enjoying the sensation of his warm flesh beneath her palm, trying to get at his cock, but he’d dressed at a northernmost angle and she had to concentrate on getting his dick out without bending it. Ted was feeling no pain.
“I like you, Robin,” Ted said. “You’re cute.” Robin kissed him again, to better concentrate on her orgasm and to shut him up. It took her a few moments to ride it out, and when she startled awake Barney was applying a condom and standing with his
“Okay – the Barnacle is primed!” He slapped his hands together. “Who wants it?”
His somewhat shocking offer was blunted by Ted’s eagerness. “Me!” he cried, then lurched forward, kissing Barney flat on the mouth.
Robin was jealous enough to gently pry them apart after a few moments of impassioned kissing. After taking a second to re-orientate himself, he “…I think we just met bi-Ted,” Barney remarked.
“Okay – which of you is gonna take it? ‘Cause I need a little something something myself,” Robin said.
“Oh Robin, that’s so cute…” then, not-whispering to Barney, he added, “she doesn’t know that stopped being cool years ago!”
“Not it,” Barney said, raising one hand while the other dove into the pile of sexual detritus that had been lumped beside Robin’s dresser. He came up with a bottle of lube.
“On your knees, Ted.”
“Seexyyy,” he drawled out, while Barney uncapped the lube and started stroking his ass open with a generous daub of lube and his persistent, even pressure of his fingers. Soon Ted began rocking back onto Barney while Robin stroked his cock, more and more quickly, until she gently shoved him away. Once he’d been primed, Robin rolled Ted onto his back and sat back to watch.
Barney loomed over them, as concerned as he’d ever been for a vulnerable partner. “Are you sure?”
Ted grinned sleepily. “Rock and roll.”
Barney shrugged and slowly, gently pushed himself into the viginal resistance of Ted’s warm ass. After he’d finally filled him entirely, Barney stared, wide-eyed, down at Ted.
Ted just gave him a dopey grin and kissed him again.
Somehow, he got Robin between them (No one would ever be able to figure out how, but Ted had a mysterious palm-shaped bruise on his ribs for weeks) and sat on Ted’s hard cock. Riding him to a quick conclusion, Robin sighed in relief when he met her neck with a sweet kiss, muting Barney’s cries of delight against Ted’s shoulder and Ted’s coughed-out moan as he spilled into Robin’s heat.
After a few moments, they broke apart – Ted to the Right, Barney to the left, a bruised Robin at the center. As they puffed a communal sandwich, they each took a silent moment to reflect on the night’s events.
“Huh,” Barney said, wiping the corner of her mouth.
“Hmmm,” Robin remarked.
Ted made a grotesque snoring noise.
“Let’s try that again when he’s sober,” she suggested, burying her face in Barney’s shoulder.