A golden cage.
The size of a giraffe and the width of a great white shark. The gold roots that go through the floor and the roof of my cage. They're thick enough that only my forearm can go through.
My cage door can be only opened by my guardians.
At Least that’s what I thought..
For as long as I can remember, I always felt trapped and unable to do anything about, everywhere I went there was always a sickening feeling of something crawling on my skin and for me to relieve that my body twitched to get rid of the sensation. My body twitched for as long and violently to get rid of the feeling.
The feeling of something crawling on my skin all the time.
The tingly feeling everywhere in my body when I was in a huge crowd.
The disgusted feeling I felt when I made skin-to-skin contact with someone.
Those feelings controlled my entire life and gave me fears I never wanted.
In an attempt to get rid of these feelings I created a new me. Where I pushed down these feelings and acted like they didn’t exist. But that came with terrible consequences.
This is what I now face for discarding those feelings these past 12 years of my life.
I am now 14 about to turn 15, and I know now that this fear of mine is called ‘Mysophobia’ or in simpler terms, ‘Germaphobia’
-the fear of germs. In this case, “germs” refers broadly to any microorganism that causes disease — for instance, bacteria, viruses, or parasites. Germaphobia may be referred to by other names, including: bacillophobia. Bacteriophobia
I now know thanks to a fictional character called ‘Sakusa Kiyoomi’ from the manga/anime ‘Haikyuu’
Although he is fictional I want to thank him for helping me figure out this annoying phobia. He helped me realize that I can actually have a crippling fear of germs despite them being everywhere.
That there are other people like me with the same fear and that I am not alone.
And now because of him I am on the road to get rid of the consequences I face now and to come out with it. Although it will take time to get rid of them I know I can and that I can rule over my fear not the other way around.
And one day I can stand proud outside my cage and do things without pushing the feelings down.
But that doesn’t mean my cage will disappear, long from that it will be there for me when I need it. And my guardians? I know they will be along my side on this journey and still be there for when the day comes I am on my deathbed.
I know they’ll be proud of me when I can do things without their help but might need it now and then and protect me when I need it.
Just like how I stand outside my cage when I am on a soccer field. Not caring about my fear, not caring if I get dirty, not caring about the skin-to-skin contact and finally not feeling helpless and scared.
I want to thank Sakusa Kiyoomi for helping me figure out my fear and my grandma for showing me the sport of soccer.