I wasn't expecting Jungkook to kiss me at all. I was shocked and I didn't know what to say or do so I just came into my room and locked the door. I stood there dumbfounded trying to process what had just happened.
I was still standing by the door when I heard Jungkook leaving the apartment and closing the front door. I walked up to my bed slowly and threw myself on it while pulling my hair with both of my hands.
I didn't know what to think anymore. I wanted Jungkook to be there with me but the thing he had done today was so unexpecting.
But there was something else that was bothering me. Why didn't I slap him or shouted at him to get out of my apartment? Why didn't I try to push him away from me? Why I didn't stop him when he was kissing me?
My mind was running in circles and my thoughts were overflowing. I stood up and went to the bathroom to take a cold shower to calm myself down.
When I took off my clothes, I looked at the fading scars on my body. There were a lot of scars on my body although they were fading away slowly, they were still there to remind me of everything that had happened to me before and of the hell that I've been through. Was I really ready for it? Was I ready for someone's affection and care? Was I ready to trust someone again? Those thoughts occupied my mind and were consuming me up when I shook my head and walked into the cold shower and let the water run over my body.
I moved my hands over my skin and started rubbing it slowly at first but then I started running my hands faster and rubbing my skin harshly trying to clean those scars from my body that were not letting me forget anything. I rubbed my skin until it became red and a few tears left my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I didn't realize when I started crying and sobbing in the shower. I let myself slide with the wall and sat there on the floor with cold water still running over my body.
My mind was too exhausted with the thoughts and I was mentally tired to think about anything anymore so I just closed my eyes and stayed there on the cold floor.
When I opened my eyes cold water was still running down on my body. I realized that I fell asleep in the shower but I had no idea how long I've been there. I stood up and covered my body with a large towel. I was feeling so cold and my body was shivering badly.
When I walked into the room and looked at the wall clock, it was eight. I was in the shower for at least two hours and then I realized why my body was trembling so badly. I just laid down on the bed and covered myself with a blanket.
My body temperature was rising every second but I wasn't in the condition of standing up or walking to get something for my fever so I just stayed there in the bed. There was no one to take care of me. That one person who was caring for me after a long time was not there for me anymore.
When I reached home, I wasn't in the mood of talking to anyone so I went straight to my room and laid down on my bed. My mind was still occupied by the thoughts of Jimin. He was all I could think of.
Was Hyunjin right about me that day? Was I really in love with Jimin? Or was it only my instinct of trying to claim everything before anyone else? I didn't have any answer.
I was confused and that confusion was eating me up. Maybe it was just a little crush or maybe it was just a sexual attraction because he was really the prettiest person I had ever seen in my life.
I wanted to get answers to all the questions running through my mind but it was me who knew about everything, it was only me who could answer those questions but I needed time to understand it. I needed time to understand myself.
The next day when Jimin woke up he was still burning in high fever and wasn't in a condition of attending school so he just called a doctor to get himself better for the work.
Whereas Jungkook was not ready to face Jimin but still he was trying to make himself ready to apologize to Jimin for everything he had done. But when Jimin didn't come to the college he thought it was because of him so he was feeling more guilty and shameful for what he did yesterday.
In the evening he thought about visiting Jimin to know if he was okay but he wasn't ready to face him yet so he decided to just go to Hyunwoo's party with Minho because it seemed to be the best way to take his mind off every problem that was going on in life. He was worried about Jimin and wanted to see him again but what if Jimin didn't want to see him? What if he didn't want to talk to him? Those things were scaring Jungkook. That's why he wanted to give Jimin some time and then apologize for the stupid mistake he had made.
I picked Minho up from the hotel he was staying in during his visit to Seoul. I wanted him to stay with us at our house but he insisted on staying at his hotel for the week which he always did no matter how much I tried to make him stay with us. According to him, he felt more comfortable in his hotel.
We arrived at the party and went inside to join our other friends but as we had a lot of things to talk about we left everyone after some time and sat peacefully on the bar stools with the bar counter.
He started telling me about everything that happened with him in the last month and I quietly listened to him as I wasn't in the mood of talking to anyone. I was feeling down since yesterday's incident.
"So tell me about your life now. Are you still bringing girls for one-night stands or you've finally stopped on someone?" Minho asked while drinking beer from the bottle.
"I'm really not interested in one-night stands now. I'm fed up with it," I replied and realized that I haven't been with any girl in a very long time.
"Really Jungkook? So you've properly started dating someone?" he asked in excitement but I wasn't liking it all.
"I didn't say that I'm seeing someone. I have just stopped doing one-night stands," I replied while taking a sip from the wine glass in my hand.
"It's not possible. I know you more than you know yourself. Tell me who is she?" he asked while placing the whisky bottle on the counter.
"Who is who?" I replied already knowing what he was going to ask next.
"There must be someone who has stopped you from the shit me and Namjoon hyung have been trying to this whole time," he replied impatiently waiting for my answer.
"There's no one, Minho. Come on don't push me," I replied with an unamused face.
"Jungkook, tell me, or else I'll tell Namjoon hyung and you know how he is going to tease you to death," he said trying to threaten me while pointing his finger and I knew that he was not going to stop until I'll tell him.
"Okay listen to me. I'm actually confused myself that's why I don't want to talk about it."
"Then tell me about it maybe I can clear your confusion. I understand you well you know that," he said now in a serious tone because he realized that whatever I was going to say was complicated.
"Well, there's someone in my college that I've been paying too much attention to lately."
"You are paying attention to someone? She must be so amazing," he replied being excited without letting me complete what I was saying.
"It's he, not she," I replied while avoiding looking at him.
"What? He is a boy? Are you serious?" he asked with wide eyes and a stunned face.
"Is there any problem if it's a boy?" I asked in an unamused tone. I already knew he was going to act like this.
"No, I wasn't saying that. I just didn't expect you to fall in love with a guy."
"I didn't say I'm in love or something," I said being unsure of myself because of the feelings I had for Jimin, I had never felt them for anyone before.
"Then what is it?" he asked while nodding the bartender to get us more drinks.
"I'm confused, Minho. Let's just talk about something else. I think it's just a sexual attraction. I'll get over it," I replied trying to close the topic but he was determined about knowing everything.
"So you're being sexually attracted to a boy and you're saying that it's nothing? You've never even talked about a girl in this way."
"He is just so pretty. Actually even more pretty than those girls out there so it's not my fault if I'm thinking that way," I replied while thinking about Jimin again. I just wanted to leave everything and go to his apartment to see his pretty face. It had just been a day when I didn't listen to his voice but I was missing it already.
"If you're really that much confused then just come on your old routine. I think you're sexually frustrated. If it's just a sexual attraction then you'll get over it in no time," he replied while shrugging his shoulders as if it was so obvious.
"I think you're right. Let's see," I replied but I wasn't ready to do it. I wasn't sure if I really wanted to be with someone else or not when my mind was filled with the thoughts of only one person. I started drinking whisky from the bottle again trying to forget about everything that was messing up my mind.
"I want to see that boy too Jungkook," Minho said after a few minutes of silence.
I just looked at him and didn't say anything. After what I did yesterday, I wasn't sure if Jimin was ever going to talk to me again.
"I want to see that boy who made you question your sexuality," he said while emphasizing the word 'you' before getting up from the barstool.
"I'm not sure but we'll see about it," I replied while standing up from the barstool too and making my way through the crowd to leave the bar with Minho.
Love can be scary because it can take over your life. It is the strongest emotion but also the darkest one. It can put you on a high for days, but it can wrap an anchor around your feet and drown you in less than a minute. That was my perception of love and that's why I was afraid of falling in love for all of my life. But if it was Jimin I was falling in love with then maybe I was ready to risk it all. But then what was I actually afraid of? Was I afraid that maybe it was not actually love what I was feeling for him? Or was I afraid of him not loving me back? I had to do something to understand all those things. And now that's what I was going to do, to understand us both.