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Tracing Racing Raindrops

Chapter 69

Notes:

TW: discussion of scars and very briefly abuse

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

“Oh my gosh babe, look at you!”
“Not bad, hey?”
“Freaking amazing, you’re majestic, look at you,” Tyler grinned in awe as he came in to find Josh sitting up in the armchair next to his bed for the first time.

Tamako and Holly had worked together on a PT/OT crossover session, peaking with a transfer from his bed to the padded chair. He’d sat up in bed before, several times now, but he hadn’t left his bed since he’d been admitted, all those months ago. The surprise on Tyler’s face was warranted.

“How do you feel?” Tyler approached, kissing his forehead briefly before crouching down in front of him and resting his hand on Josh’s thigh fondly, fingers slightly spread with a gently swiping thumb. It felt magnificent.
“Dizzy,”
“Yeah? Do you need some help laying down?”
“No no, it’s good, I like it,”
“Tam said it’s good for him to spend more time sitting up to increase his tolerance and acclimate and everything,” Abbie explained. “We can call her if he feels worse, and she’s coming back in half an hour to transfer him back,”

“Perfect, gah, all we need is a couple wheels on this bad boy and you’re a free man,”
“It’s weird looking at my bed,” Josh wondered whether staring at the bulky centrepiece he called home gave him a similar perspective to that of his family, sitting, watching all day. He knew in reality it was incomparable because there wasn’t a loved one withering closer to death on the mattress.

“Can I get in it?” His sister asked gleefully.
“Go ahead, mighty comfier than the couch you had to put up with in the ICU,”
“I should hope so! Your insurance pays more for a day in this bed than you’d pay for a week at the fanciest of all the fancy hotels. Flipping better be comfy!” She teased as she climbed up, sighing with satisfaction as she flopped back. “You boys get up to whatever shenanigans you usually do, don’t mind me, I’m having a nap - by that I mean mindlessly scrolling through Twitter,”
“Living the dream,” Tyler laughed at her, sitting in the chair next to Josh, keeping his hand on his thigh and shuffling in close so their faces were just inches apart.

“You look cute today,”
“I do?” Tyler’s other hand shot up to his chest, pulling on his t-shirt with a growing smile.
“Heck yeah you do, cutie. I love when you wear brighter colours,”
“Catch me wearing nothing but neon from now on,”
“You’d look good in a potato sack though,”
“Should’ve seen the slobby sweatsuits I was wearing at Brook House, not much better,”
“You know me, I live for a slobby sweatsuit,”
“Looking mighty fine in these formals though,” Tyler smiled, playing with the collar of the embroidered pyjamas Josh was dressed in. “Should I get some more made for you?”
“You don’t have to do that,”
“I’m gonna anyway,”
“You’re too good to me mister,” Josh loved having enough control of his body that he could reach out and place his hand on top of Tyler’s.

“Only bad thing about this armchair is I can’t cuddle up to you as close,”
“Sit on my lap if you want,”
“Oi lover boy, need I remind you what the doctor said about your knee?” Abbie looked up from her phone to heckle. “Let him sit at your peril,”
“It’s okay, you’re already dizzy, I don’t wanna hurt you on top of that,”
“When Tam comes back then we can both get in bed and cuddle to our heart’s content,” Josh compromised, knowing not to push himself too far if he wanted the progress to be sustainable.

“Until then, I brought...” Tyler leant down to his backpack, down by Bella’s side, and pulled something out that Josh couldn’t make out until he held them up proudly.
“Facemasks!”
“Yes sir,” he nodded proudly. “I figured we could do with some chilled pamper time after the stress of everything lately, and yeah, what better than a sheet mask designed to look like a panda,”
“I love it. I’ve never done one before so you’ll have to show me what I’m doing,”
“I’m not sure whether putting it on top of your feeding tube tape would make it peel, because they can be kinda wet, so, so I brought scissors and we could always cut away a little slip to protect your tape,”
“I’m getting my tape changed later today anyway, I feel like it would be alright, right Abbie?”
“Don’t see why not - nothing touching the outside of the tube is going into you, and yeah, the tegaderm tape is supposed to be waterproof, and tape can be changed. Plus don’t wanna disfigure Mr Panda,”
“Thank you for thinking about it though babe,” he appreciated the thought and effort.

“I can’t believe you’ve never done one before,”
“You’re something of a pro then?”
“They used to make us do them all the time at Brook House, pretty sure it was the top piece of advice at Psych School - when patient is distressed, deploy face mask,”
“Oh so that’s the secret behind your beautiful smooth skin, hey?”
“If only tears were moisturising, then I’d be truly unstoppable,”
“You’re already unstoppable Ty,”

He chuckled at that.

“Do you want me to put yours on you?”
“Please,” Josh knew the chances of successfully opening the thin foil packaging and unfolding the delicate slippery paper inside were next to none.

“Bros, dudes, I know I said I was keeping out of it but you gotta wash your faces first,” Abbie couldn’t help putting her phone down again.
“We do?” Tyler looked to the instructions.
“Boys, think suds from 5 in 1 shampoo constitutes a skincare routine,” she groaned playfully. “Joshie, when I got you all those salts and stuff for the bath, I also got you cleanser. Don’t suppose you’ve used it have you?”
“Oh, no, I didn’t even know you included any,”
“Ty, could you check the cupboard in the bathroom? Light blue bottle, should say cleanser on it,”
“Sure thing,” he leapt up and disappeared through the door to Josh’s en-suite wet room.

“Do you want me to go?” Abbie asked softly. “Let you two chill?”
“I don’t mind, I don’t think he does either,”
“I’d let you enjoy a lil boyfriend time but I didn’t want to leave him responsible for you whilst you’re sitting up, you know, just in case he needs to call for help or something and panics again,”

Tyler would definitely be able to hear her whispers, but Josh knew he’d be too polite to say anything.

“He’d be able to call for help I think, but I feel okay, not too tired, not too dizzy.”
“That’s your way of saying you’d like some Ty time?”
“If you wanna stay you can,” Josh knew his sister had gone months without him, so didn’t want to push her out now.
“No no, I’ll go grab a coffee, come back in an hour or two, no worries. I’ll maybe have a word when I walk past the staff room to see whether Tam can come check on you sooner? That way there’s less pressure on him,”
“I really think he can handle it, but yeah, thank you, that might make him feel safer with me,” he understood. “Come back later? We can hang out more,”
“As if you’re not gonna be zonked out fast asleep after Ty leaves,” she laughed. “You crazy kids have fun, I’ll come by later, if you’re asleep then I’ll catch you tomorrow,”
“Perfect, thanks again,”

“Ty honey, I’m heading off, I’ll see you soon,” she climbed out of the bed and announced slightly louder.
“Bye,” Tyler waved from the bathroom door, waiting there until Abbie left the room entirely.

“I found the cleanser,” he approached with the bottle, plus a half full jug of water normally used in washing his hair, and a hand towel. “I thought I could wash your face here?”
“You don’t have to do that, she’s just a perfectionist, we can skip this part and go straight to the masks,”
“No, I’d like to do this for you - unless it makes you feel uncomfortable?”
“It wouldn’t make me uncomfortable,”
“I, I’d like to then,”
“Thank you very much,”

Tyler obviously felt somewhat hesitant about approaching the task, dithering for a moment before dipping the corner of the hand towel into the water, then using that to gently dampen Josh’s face, needing to repeat the process a few times to cover everywhere whilst meticulously avoiding his feeding tube. He took just as much care with the last time as he did the first, never pressing too hard, considerate with his technique.

“Did you hear?” Josh asked as Tyler squeezed a little of the cleanser onto his fingers and lathered it up.
“Abbie? Yeah,”
“I’m sorry,”
“Why are you sorry?”
“If she underestimated you, or, or made you feel like she didn’t think you could look after me,”
“No it’s okay, after what happened with your seizure, it’s probably sensible for me to have some things in place, not just to protect your health, but also to stop me getting panicky,”
“So you feel okay?”
“I feel okay,” he nodded. “Can I apply this?”
“Yeah, thank you,”

Tyler’s fingers were so soft, even though the creamy cleanser was a little cold, it felt like heaven as his fingertips gently pressed into his cheek. He moved in circular motions at first, spreading the product around, then moved to a more satisfying massaging pattern that was so soothing and relaxing, Josh couldn’t help but close his eyes.

“Is it okay?”
“So good,”

He got the hint and kept going a minute longer, putting care into every stroke, applying gentle pressure that pushed through tense knots and melted away stresses Josh hadn’t even realised he was holding in his face. It felt so natural to have Tyler’s touch connect with him so perfectly.

“This is my first time doing any kind of personal care for you,” Tyler picked up the cloth again and used it to wipe Josh’s face clean lovingly, smiling the whole time.
“Trusting other people to do those things for me is usually pretty awkward, but this feels so, so-“
“Natural, right?”
“Exactly right, this feels so natural,” Josh loved how he could guess the word perfectly.

“I know it’s vulnerable, and I know you’re aiming to be independent, but if you’d ever feel up to inviting me into those private spaces then I’d definitely want to get involved in any degree of personal care I can assist with,”
“You would?”
“Of course I would,” Tyler swapped to the other end of the towel and dabbed him dry. “Of course I would,”

Josh’s instinct was to say no, to leave those jobs to the professionals so he never had to rely on his boyfriend for something he found humiliating, but he knew that mindset was unhealthy. It wasn’t his fault he couldn’t look after himself, Tyler was offering in sincerity, and part of what made loving somebody a different relationship to any other was the placement of trust. He had to trust that Tyler would still love him after witnessing his weaknesses.

“I’d, you can say no, but I’d like it if you would wash my hair?”
“Absolutely, I’ve been waiting for permission to play with these curls, baby,” Tyler smiled. “Today?”
“I think I’m, I think I’m due to have a bath tomorrow morning?”
“Okay, I’ll be here, ready to listen, ready to learn - I wanna do it right, for you,”
“You really mean it?”
“Of course,” he had his hand back on Josh’s thigh again.

“Um, I, I know it’s not the same, but there have been times where I’ve needed other people to wash me too, just so you know,” his voice was quieter, more distant.
“Yeh?”
“Yeh, after everything that happened with my ex happened, I didn’t, I, I couldn’t take good care of myself, so during my first admission I didn’t wash for a month and then they had to help me wash for the following month or 2,”
“Thank you for telling me,” Josh knew it wasn’t easy for him to talk about. “If those memories make this too hard for you, you don’t have to-“
“No, it’s kinda the opposite actually, um, back then, uh, uh,”
“You can say it,”
“Well back then needing someone to wash me was because I’d been in a horrible violent relationship, but now, I’m washing you because I love and care about and cherish you. It’s kinda, um, for me at least, it’s something positive to see how far I’ve come, and to have a better, a, a warmer association with the process, so thank you,”

“My sisters have always helped me in that way, bathing, and it was never really much of a big deal. Epilepsy and bodies of water don’t really mix that well, so I’m used to being accompanied, but now, having the healthcare assistants, don’t get me wrong, they’re great, but it makes it such a formal arrangement rather than a loved one simply helping out a loved one.”
“Well I’m loved by you, and I love you, and I want to help you out,”

“Can I get a kiss before I become a panda?”
“We should try and kiss with the masks on too,” Tyler sniggered at the idea before tucking his hand up by Josh’s jaw and pressing their lips together, at first gently, then with more zeal.

“I love you so much,”
“I love you too, Ty,”

Feeling powerful, Josh gripped onto Tyler’s arm and pulled him closer. He didn’t know exactly what he was doing when it came to kissing yet, often following his boyfriend’s lead when it came to movements and breaks, but he knew what felt good and it was everything they did.

“I’m so happy,” Tyler sighed satisfied, and Josh couldn’t help pecking him on the lips again before he moved back.
“So am I, love, so am I. When we live together, I petition we do nothing all day but kiss,”
“When we live together, hm, I like the sound of that, but kissing all day? I like that even better,”

“What did your mom say yesterday after you told everyone in the meeting that we’re moving in together? Was she okay with it?”
“We had a proper chat about it which involved a mini lecture about communication and pacing, but in the end she agreed that, as long as I keep up my therapy and everything, and she’s allowed to visit anytime, it will be good for me. We need to talk to Imogen my therapist about it, and probably Dr Robinson and Mary from Brook House, then make a whole bunch of safety plans and figure out what’s happening in regards to your care and everything, basically hash out the details, but in theory she’s onboard,”
“And your dad?” Josh felt nervous with anything surrounding the man he was yet to meet.
“He was on a work call till 9 then he was kinda in a bad mood so Mom said she’d wait until he was feeling more reasonable before introducing the idea, but even if he won’t do the plans, I know he’ll support us - even if it’s just because he wants me out of the house,” Tyler chuckled.

Josh didn’t claim to understand his boyfriend’s family dynamics, it seemed somewhat civil, with unrest bubbling just beneath the surface. From Tyler’s account, things had improved dramatically in recent times and whenever Mrs Joseph came to visit, she was a pleasure. However Josh knew that a public presentation was never going to reveal the inner workings of a relationship, and he got the sense that Tyler’s complex bond with his parents hadn’t been disrupted by one traumatic moment but instead a lifetime of accumulating minor incidents that made it hard to relax in his place within the family.

Even though Josh’s dad had left early, at least he never let Josh get attached. Even though he’d lost his mom young, at least she’d been an impossibly perfect role model from day 1.

“You okay?” Tyler asked softly.
“I wish my mom could’ve helped me move back home,”
“I wish she could have too, darling,”
“She had the best style - she was super into house plants before they were cool, and she redecorated all our rooms every few years, like for my birthday one time she painted it red, which was my favourite colour at the time, and she even hand painted this space mural with rocket ships and little aliens and stars and everything with the red being the surface of Mars. Then when I started getting super into history, she got me all these old prints of, uh, of,” Josh’s mind went blank as he tried to zero in on what those frames contained. “Just all these historical prints, yeah, she always did the most,”
“We’ll make it a beautiful home in her honour, hey?”

“She would’ve moved in with us, even though we’re clearly a couple and this is going to be our forever home, she’d have insisted on living with us for at least, I don’t know, the first year,”
“We’d have made room for her,”
“A granny flat, that’s what she always said she wanted - you know those houses that have the annexe or whatever for grandma’s when they’re too old and unreliable to live unsupported so you move them in. When we were kids she always used to joke about who was gonna be the one to build her a granny flat, like, like whenever I used to say thank you after she did something for me, she’d always say I could repay her with a granny flat, or if Ashley was staying out too late with Andrew then she’d jokingly threaten her with saying she was going to gatecrash their next date to get him used to when they’d all be living together in old age. That kinda thing,”
“She sounds funny,”
“She was. Sweet too.”
“Must be where you get it from,” Tyler wrapped himself around Josh’s arm supportively.

“I miss her,”
“We’ll keep her a part of this whole process, whatever you need, whatever she’d like, we’ll do it. If you want to plant a tree for her in our back garden then we can, or dedicate a wall to photographs of her and you guys, or build her a granny flat to host her memory - whatever it is, I think we should do it,”
“I think I want to commission a piece of art. You know me, I love realism in oil paintings, but I think I want something more abstract, something, something only we know is about her. I don’t know if they’re out there but I’d love to just sit and talk with a creative for hours about my mom and then see what she inspires them to create,”
“Oh, wow, that sounds amazing,”
“She’d like it, I think. She never stopped to take photos much, I only have a dozen or so of her, and I can just imagine her flinching away from the idea of a portrait or something, but to have her spirit, her energy, captured on canvas would be perfect,”
“We’ll find somebody to make it happen,” Tyler promised him.

Josh imagined his mom as a swirl of purple and blue with flecks of yellow.

“If we can’t, my dad’s not bad with watercolours,”
“He paints?”
“He does conceptual drawings and paintings for all his buildings, and they’re still kinda rigid because he's an architect and can’t help overanalysing details, but every now and then I stumble across something more free flowing and soft - I think he hides that side from us, but he definitely has it in him. Something to consider if we feel like we’re running out of avenues to find someone professional,”
“Thank you for always pushing so hard to ensure my ideas become realities,”
“You’re more than welcome, babe,”

There was a brief knock on the door before it swung open.

“How we doing, Josh?” His physiotherapist checked in.
“All good thanks Tam, I can do another 15, easy peasy,”
“That’s what I like to hear bud - Tyler you’re okay with this?”
“Yes ma’am,”
“Buzz if you need to lie down before I’m due to come back,”
“Will do, thanks,”

She left just as soon as she’d arrived.

“Sorry if I kinda killed the mood by bringing up Mom,”
“What? No, no don’t be silly, I love it when you talk about her,”
“I haven’t really talked about her in years. The only people in my life since she got sick have been my siblings, and talking about it with them inevitably brought up conversations I wasn’t ready to have, about seeing her again, and, and I always felt guilty, not only because I thought it was my fault she was sick, but also because I could see how desperate they were for me to be involved in their shared experience of watching her deteriorate, and I couldn’t hack it. It was easier never to mention her than to risk upsetting them or myself,”
“I understand. You can talk about her with me whenever you’d like to, without risk of upsetting me, you know that, right?”
“I do, thank you. It’s a big change for me so it might take me a while to adjust and do it naturally, but thank you,”
“I think you’re doing a marvellous job so far,”

Josh smiled wearily, and Tyler lifted his hand and kissed the back of it, before settling it back in Josh’s lap but keeping hold of it.

“Can we do the face masks please? I’m, I’m feeling myself getting tired so I reckon once I’m back in bed, I’m gonna start crashing,”
“I appreciate you keeping me in the loop about how you’re feeling, but don’t have to do them, it’s okay, they were a dollar and took me 30 seconds to pick up in the store, don’t worry. Let’s do whatever’s gonna feel best to you with your remaining energy, talk, or, or don’t talk, or just, yeah, don’t feel like you have to go along with me if actually you need something else from this moment,”
“I want nothing more than to become a panda with you in this moment Ty,”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”

“I’m not sure how Bella’s gonna take this, she’s usually so chill, but there’s a very slim chance she’s gonna freak out when she sees both her dads have had their faces replaced,” Tyler found the first packet again and pulled out the sheet.
“Is she always chill? Like, like does she ever get excited or misbehave or anything like that or is she too well trained?”
“She definitely gets excited. Hold still for one sec,” he had his concentration face on as he aligned the mask perfectly and pressed the cold material against Josh’s skin, tapping it to ensure it stuck, taking care surrounding his feeding tube.

“Beautiful! But yeah, she definitely gets excited, less so when she’s in her vest and working, but she’s got this one tennis B-A-L-L that she absolutely loves, I’ve tried giving her other identical ones but she just loves the one, and she does this little excited scamper thing when I get it out. She also loves to be groomed with a slicker brush and I can tell she feels super confident after I really get into her undercoat because she has this little walk thing she only does then, in my mind it’s like a catwalk strut or something. When else, uh, oh I found out this winter that she loves the snow, she rolls around like a nutter - yeah, she gets super excited. As for behaviour, she’s my little angel, I never have any problems at all,”

“How do you think she’ll do with a brother or sister once I get my service dog?” Josh asked with a slightly distorted voice in an attempt to keep the mask from slipping, as Tyler applied his own. He looked over, creepy panda plastered over his normally adorable face. “Jesus Christ, the mouth, the mouth is the worst part - why did they design it like that?? I hate it,”
“It’s kinda like the Joker smile, right?” He laughed. “I think she’ll thrive with a sibling, she’s from a litter of 8 and then when she went to puppy boarding school, she was surrounded by slittle buddies, so it must have been kinda weird for her to come to me last year and not see any other doggos. I’m sure having an ally in the house will make her a happy little lady,”
“She can be the sensible big sister, teaching my lil guy how this ship is supposed to be run,” Josh smiled at the thought, which caused a tug on the mask.
“That’s my girl,”

“You still wanna kiss me with this mask on?” Josh tried and failed at raising a suggestive eyebrow.
“Heck yeah,”

 

•|•|•|•|•|•|•|•|•|•

 

“It’s up to you, I can stay in here, I can sit behind the curtain in here, or I can pop through to the bedroom,” Jasmine listed the options.
“I, I feel okay with you going next door, babe?”
“Yeah I’m okay with just Ty staying, thank you Jasmine,”
“Shout if you need anything, and don’t try getting out without me. See you in a little while,” the healthcare assistant smiled warmly before leaving, closing the wheelchair friendly sliding door behind her.

Tyler sighed happily.

He was helping Josh bathe. He knew baths were Josh’s happy place, that the warm water gave him relief like nothing else, and that he was also making himself incredibly vulnerable by allowing Tyler to join him in the room - not only because he was naked, but also because needing help in personal care was something people were trained to see as weak. Knowing Josh was pushing himself beyond his comfort zone, Tyler vowed to do the same and engage in the process, even though he was petrified of doing something wrong.

Jasmine had been in charge most of the way so far, helping Josh out of his pyjamas and into a robe, then using the hoist to move him to the other room, then lowering him into the bath chair already submerged in temperature controlled water, removing the robe and covering his privates with a washcloth. Tyler was intentional in spending as little time as possible looking at the square of fabric that preserved his modesty, not wanting to be crude. It wasn’t fair to turn a necessity of hygiene into a sexualised experience. Instead his focus remained intently on Josh’s face, watching for any minuscule expression that might reveal how he was feeling.

“Good?” Tyler made a guess.
“So freaking good babe, I, I can’t even begin to express how much I love being in water,”
“You look happy,”
“I am happy,”

Tyler hadn’t properly seen Josh’s scars before. His open heart surgery scar ran down the centre of his chest, still relatively fresh, a dark red, stealing most of the attention away from the smaller ghosts of old wounds like the trach hole in his throat and the marks left behind by the port in his chest and the intravenous lines in his arms and neck, and a dozen other wounds Tyler couldn’t even remember the cause of. It was even the first time he was properly seeing the scars of his double ankle surgery.

“You can stare if you want.”
“Hmm?”
“At my heart scar. I don’t get to see it much either so I stare at it every chance I get too. I don’t mind, stare away,”
“Sorry,”
“I’m not being sarcastic, or, or rude, or whatever. I mean it love, you can look, I won’t get offended,”
“Still, sorry,”
“Ty, stop apologising, I’m genuinely fine,”
“I guess I just hate when people stare, or even look, at my scars. And, uh, and I know you get kinda, um, well actually really upset at the mention of surgery, so, yeh, I didn’t want to draw your attention to a surgery scar, but now I’m drawing even more attention to it, and I’m making it into a bigger deal than it is by trying not to make it into a big deal, and I should just stop talking.”

Bella approached the little stool Tyler was perched on and started pressing her body against his thigh reassuringly.

“I understand if you don’t want me to look at your scars darling, I’m giving you permission to gawk at all mine but I by no means expect that same access in return - your self harm scars are nobody's business but yours,” Josh told him calmly. “Even when we’re living together, even when we’re married someday, that still doesn’t mean you need to show me. It’s your body and you get to decide who gets access to what - today I’ve chosen to let you see me like this, I’m not deciding I get to look at you in the same way. I’m not asking to see yours, that’s always going to be your choice and your call,”

“I know your bath time is totally the wrong time to be having this conversation,” Tyler began.
“No no, go ahead,”
“I didn’t know what to wear today. I knew I was going to be washing your hair, so getting my forearms wet, and the logical thing to do is wear a t-shirt but I, I, it feels like that isn’t an option to me, so here I am, oversized sweatshirt, yet again. I just, I hate summer. I know you haven’t been outside in a while but it’s getting really warm again, t-shirt weather, and I hate it - honestly I feel like I won’t relax now till October and it’s socially acceptable to start wearing hoodies again. I hate having to see my own arms, I hate my parents having to see them, I hate strangers seeing them, I, I hate it all. Last year, before I met you, I probably only left the house a dozen times the entire summer because I mostly just wanted to hide in my air conditioned house with long sleeves on, and I love you, and I want to see you every single day, but honestly I’m terrified thinking about how I’m going to cope with being in public with my scars on show for the next few months. So yeah, I, it’s not that I can’t look at yours, it’s that I can’t bear thinking of my own.”
“Thank you for telling me,”

Josh was always very good at acknowledging Tyler’s attempts at communicating whilst obviously thinking of something to say in response.

“Firstly, we agree in theory that it doesn’t matter what the heck other people think, right?”
“In theory,” Tyler nodded.
“And what they’re thinking has no bearing on who we are as people,”
“In theory,”
“So in this theoretical world, we could tell any sod who so much as looks twice at your scars where to stick it, right?”
“Right,”

“In reality, I appreciate it’s a lot harder than that Ty - people suck but they can also be really scary, and even though they have the audacity to behave rudely, it’s not always easy to treat them with that same disrespect back, despite the fact they deserve it way more. I know when people stare-”
“You, you don’t really know, though,”
“People stare at me all the time sweetheart, being under 30 and using a cane is seen as an invitation to abandon all social etiquette, and I can’t imagine life in a wheelchair with a feeding tube will be much better,”
“But those people look at you and feel sorry for you, they look at me and see me as an attention seeker who’s to blame for my own predicament.”
“Do you know that for a fact? Or are you projecting?”
“Oh I know all right, last year I was in a store with Zack and a lady came over and told me I was disgusting and it was inappropriate to be displaying in front of her children. Even when they don’t make it explicit, there’s still that transparent glare of hatred. People don’t like people like me.”
“I like you,”
“But my arms were covered when we met.”

Tyler knew he was on the brink of spiralling, something unfair to do when Josh was trying to enjoy a pain free moment for once, but even with awareness it was hard to put on the brakes.

“I can’t do it, I can’t come see you over the summer, I can’t roll my sleeves up to wash your hair, I can’t do any of it, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I can’t,”
“Babe,”
“I can’t!”
“Tyler, you don’t have to. Take a minute, engage with Bella, do your best to calm down. Nobody’s making you do anything. Jasmine’s right next door, she can wash my hair, and you’ve got loads of adorable long sleeve shirts you can wear over summer. It’s gonna be alright, focus on those deep breaths for me,”

Bella appeared twice thanks to the suddenly swelling tears, and Tyler did as commanded, taking a deep breath and plunging his hands into Bella’s silky fur, allowing her to fuss him lovingly. She pushed herself against his hands and his legs, forcing him to stroke her more, and when she clocked that his breathing was still growing more and more rapid, she hopped her front legs onto his lap to apply deep grounding pressure. It always surprised him just how well the strategy worked.

“Sorry,”
“It’s okay, you don’t need to apologise for being overwhelmed,”
“I think I’m worried about doing a good job,”
“Good job as in wash my hair well?” Josh checked.
“Uh huh,”
“Angel, that should be the least of your concerns. I’ve had some really shitty hair washes over the years, one time, Jordan offered to help me out and within minutes it was as though I’d been simultaneously waterboarded and poisoned - I was coughing up bubbles for days. Another time Abbie reached over and accidentally switched on the hot tap and scalded my hip and I couldn’t wear any underpants for a week - I can guarantee you that there is no way in hell you’ll be worse than those clowns.”
“I, I am scared about the physical act of doing it, like, um, I don’t want to get your tube tape all soaked, and your eyes, I don’t wanna get soap in your eyes, but really I’m more stressed about the nurturing environment I create, and I guess I’ve already blown that.”

Josh listened intently.

“Why do you think it’s your job to control the mood? I’m equally responsible for that,”
“You’re, you’re making yourself vulnerable, Josh - physically and emotionally vulnerable. It’s my role to ensure you feel safe and at ease,”
“Darling, you’re being honest and open and vulnerable with me, sharing personal intimate experiences and thoughts with me, so I need to perform the same duty and make you feel comfortable too. If you’re taking on the weight of both of our moods then no wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed - you don’t need to do that. You don’t have to make this perfect for me. The fact you’re here, and you’re trying, means this is already everything I could have hoped for,”
“I, I just always feel like I should be doing more. You’re going through so much and I should be making the process easier, not leeching your energy like this,”

Bella licked his fingers, making him realising how aggressively he’d been yanking on a hangnail. He was lucky it hadn’t started bleeding.

“Tyler,”
“Yeah?”
“You’re not my emotional support crutch. You’re not my carer or my therapist or my outlet, you’re my boyfriend and the love of my life and you don’t have to fix any of this for me. I trust you, I love you, I always feel safe and nurtured when I am with you. There’s no occasion, 0 exceptions, when I don’t feel better after spending time with you. Even the other day, the day after my seizure, when you came and cried and left, I still felt better having seen you because you still managed to connect with me, because that’s who you are to me. Even on your worst days, when you’re most affected by the cruellest parts of your brain, I still treasure your company. I’m confident when I say there is nothing you could do or say that would ruin this experience for me - I don’t care whether you manage to wash my hair or not, this has been precious to me, I value this time together, and I love you.”
“I love you too,”

“You’re too harsh on yourself. That or I’m asking too much of y-“
“I’m too harsh on myself.” Tyler didn’t want Josh to entertain the possibility that any of his panic was his fault. “Since we’re being brutally honest, when, uh, when I was at my lowest point, the people around me were so incredibly far from who I needed them to be. My housemates, and my family, and my, uh, Olly - all of them were so thoughtless, or worse, intentionally thoughtful about ways to hurt me, and ever since I realised the impact that had on me, I’ve been terrified of having that impact on somebody else.”
“You are nothing like them, especially not him.” Josh said firmly.
“He used to take my vulnerable moments and make them about him, just like I’m doing now.”
“You are nothing like him.”
“He had me convinced me he was worth it, just like I’ve got you convinced,”
“You are nothing like him.”
“But-“
“Tyler, listen to me, you are nothing like that monster.”

A voice in the back of his head told him he’d managed to brainwash Josh, just like Olly had brainwashed him. He’d tricked everyone into thinking he was a nice person, a sweet sensitive guy, when in reality he was a piece of shit preying upon Josh in a time of need. He was no better than Olly.

“Should we call Jasmine through? Ask her to help me get out? Then that way we can cuddle up in my bed and properly talk about all of this? Or you can call your mom and go home if you need?”
“I’m okay.”
“Those glassy eyes of yours are telling me otherwise babe.”
“Um, gah,” Tyler cradled his head in his hands.

“You’re struggling with this, that’s okay, we can call it a day and try again another time, or we can say that actually this is a task for my siblings or carers to help me with in the future, which is equally as valid. I can’t bear watching you get this rattled over something we can stop, darling,”
“Gimme a second, I, I can claw it back,”

Tyler stood up and went over to the sink, splashing himself with cold water a few times then shutting off the tap and grabbing hold of the basin, staring himself down in the reflection.

A pathetic scared little man looked back at him.

Josh deserved his best. He could be way better than this. The scars on his wrists didn’t matter, Josh would still love him. His past with Olly didn’t need to be continuously examined, he was safe and happy with Josh now. He didn’t have time to waste in promoting anxious thoughts, Josh was depending on him.

Maybe if he force fed himself those lines over and over again, he’d be able to believe them.

In reality he felt like giving up, the whole morning was a write-off, and attempting to salvage anything from the wreck was a pointless task. He’d tarnished the shared memory of Josh’s first bath from him and that was almost certainly indicative of how the rest of the relationship was going to go. For the rest of their lives, Josh was going to need Tyler to step up to the plate and he was proving, day 1, that he couldn’t. He was a failure.

He’d failed, okay, what next? His options consisted of running across the street to his mother and demanding they go home so he could cry in his bedroom, or taking a deep breath and accepting more of Josh’s copious amounts of forgiving patience.

His end goal was to be with Josh. Making a decision to run away felt like a stupid waste of time, an unnecessary detour in pursuit of the life he wanted with the man he loved, so in spite of the big feelings buzzing away, Tyler took a deep breath and sat back down at the stool by Josh’s head.

“I don’t want to keep offering if you’ve made up your mind to stay because I respect your decision, but darling if you want to step out, I understand and I’m more than okay with it,”
“I think I’m gonna try for 10 more minutes. If in 10 I still feel myself slipping off into dark places then I’m gonna find my mom, she’s got my PRN meds in her car, so I’ll take a Valium and maybe have a hot drink with her, and hopefully I’ll feel better and I’ll come back, but if not then I’ll head home,”
“10 more minutes with me though?”
“At least. Hopefully more.” Tyler nodded.
“Sounds like an excellent plan babe. Just so you know, I think you’ve come a really long way in making sensible decisions for yourself - I noticed the other day, and I’m so proud of you,”
“Thank you,” he smiled shyly.

“Do you wanna play a little name game or something?”
“Sure, that, that sounds good,”
“Okay, uh, name as many blue foods as you can,” Josh was obviously trying to distract him, which Tyler welcomed.
“Gotcha. Blueberries, blue cheese, cool ranch Doritos-“
“Hang on hang on-“
“Blue MnMs, Craft Mac-“
“I think I spy cheating mister!”
“You cheated when you gave me an impossible topic!”
“Guilty,” Josh laughed.

“I love you so much Josh,”
“I love you too,”
“I don’t think you understand, I, it’s like more than anything I’ve ever felt before, if, uh, god I can’t even put it into words, it’s like, it’s like I’m obsessed with you, everything you say is either the funniest thing I’ve ever heard or the sweetest or the saddest or the bravest, and all I can think about is you, and all I want to do is be with you, and make you smile, and, and I know there’s a lot of shit going on and I know this isn’t always fun, but there’s nowhere else I’d rather be and nobody else I’d rather be with than you.”
“I love you too.”

“That was kinda soppy, wasn’t it?” Tyler couldn’t help a little grin.
“Just a little,” Josh chuckled, holding reassuring eye contact the whole time. “But if I recall rightly, we did agree to become the most obnoxiously cute couple of all time,”
“Oh yeah! Well we should definitely kick things up a gear then. Do you wanna design our future home together?”
“Absolutely I do,”
“Mom spoke to Dad about it last night and he’s gonna have a look at his schedule with his assistant today and try and figure out a window to fit us in,”
“Really??”
“Yep, well 90% yep, he said he’s super busy but he always says that, so I’m sure he’ll come around once he realises how important this is for me - for us,”

“I’m so excited Ty, gah, imagine that, a home for me and you,”
“We need to come up with a nickname,”
“For the house?” Josh checked.
“Yeah, uh, how about the Dun Den?”
“That’s what Jordan and I used to call our bedroom when we were tiny, and by the way, is that you vowing to take my name when we get married?”
“It would be my honour,” Tyler hadn’t put much thought into it, but had no reservations at the idea. “How about the Dun-geon?”
“Ah I love that! I’ve heard every Dun pun under the sun, but that’s up there with the best of them,”
“Why thank you sir,”
“Just maybe don’t say in front of the staff that you’re taking your disabled boyfriend home to the dungeon, don’t know how well that would go down,”
“Yeah can’t imagine the safeguarding officer would love that one,” Tyler felt relaxed enough to laugh alongside him.

“Do you care about weddings and marriage and all that stuff?” Josh asked more seriously. “Don’t worry, I’m not proposing from the bathtub, I just, yeah, is that something on your radar? Is it important to you?”
“I’m not the type to dream of my wedding every single day, and if you’re not someone who finds them important then I’ll be absolutely fine going without, but at the same time, there is something nice about the idea of officially being yours, yanno? If you have strong feelings either way then I’m more than happy to follow your lead though.”
“I’d like for us to get married someday,”
“Then let’s get married someday,”
“Someday,”
“Someday,” Tyler kissed him briefly. “Please can I have renewed permission to wash your hair?”
“I’d love that, babe, yes.”

Tyler rolled his sleeves up a little way, something Josh was clearly avoiding looking at, then reached over and stroked his hair back out of his face.

“What’s step number 1?”
“Kiss me again,”

Notes:

Guys we did it! Longest twenty one pilots fic on Ao3! We did it a few chapters ago lol but I didn’t notice… nevertheless we are the longest, and there’s still so much to come :)))) any idea where this fic will go? Anyone who’s been round a while may recall my propensity for a sad ending (sorry again about Fear Will Lose oops) but do y’all think I’d do it to you again??