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Alone

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From childhood’s hour she has not been
As others were - She has not seen
As others saw - She could not bring
her passions from a common spring -

 

Lena had always been different from her peers, ever since she was a child. When the Luthors adopted her at the age of four, they pushed their opulent and decadent lifestyle on her. 

 

She was not allowed to play outside, nor was she even allowed to mingle with the ‘common folk’ as Lillian Luthor had put it. Instead, Lena had to take up ballet, learn to play the piano and violin and learn how to lay the table properly for a dozen-course menu. 

 

From a young age it was clear that Lena was intelligent. She easily outplayed her brother in chess and read books that were at least several years beyond her age. Yet, if her intelligence were to surpass Lex’s, it would manifest itself as dark purple spots on her body. 

 

From the same source she has not taken
Her sorrow - she could not awaken
Her heart to joy at the same tone - 

 

Her misery continued throughout her teen and adolescent years. Other people’s sorrow would come from, in her opinion, the most mundane things: Failing a test, a breakup, missing a bus,... 

 

Those problems seemed so small to her, so insignificant compared to the complete darkness that surrounded her whenever she was at home. She was always glad to go to school, not only because she was eager to learn but it was an escape from the hell back home.

 

Lionel Luthor was a ruthless man, especially after several glasses of strong liquor. His fists didn’t discriminate. Lena at least took solace, no matter how cruel it might sound, that Lillian’s body was often as broken as hers was. A parity the woman would often rectify by breaking Lena’s body even more.

 

Joy and happiness, two feelings everyone should feel in abundance no matter where they are in their life, were a foreign concept to her. Instead of going out with friends she didn’t have, Lena surrounded herself with books and poetry. 

 

And all she loved - she loved alone - 

 

She had no one to share her passion for literature or engineering with. Lex would mock her preference in literature as inferior to his, claiming any form of fictional writing were useless. Neither her mother nor her father had ever told her they were proud of her, that they were happy with the things she had accomplished. No matter how much she suffered from both her parents’ hands, she still longed for their love, for their affection. She never received it. 

 

Her brother was the only one who showed her that he cared, a little bit, when she was young. However, these moments were few and far between. Eventually, once he got obsessed with Superman, he regarded her as a pawn in the game of chase he played with the Man of Steel. 

 

Then - In her childhood - in the dawn
Of a most stormy life - was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds her still

 

She knew how miserable she was. She loathed it. She wanted to change, she wanted to be happy. She wanted to be someone different, someone who was not Lena Luthor. But, she did not know how she could ever achieve that. 

 

She did not know if she would ever heal from the wounds Lillian and Lionel left on her. After all, those types of wounds did not heal, they would scar and fade over time, but would never go away completely. 

 

From the torrent, or the fountain -
From the red cliff of the mountain -
From the sun that ‘round her rolled -
In its autumn tint of gold -

 

Kara Danvers was Lena’s saviour. The blonde reporter was a salve to Lena’s wounds. She was the anchor grounding Lena so she wouldn’t plunge in the harrowing darkness that accompanied her shadow. 

 

And even when life presented Lena with such a miracle, she managed to screw it up. For she knew, despite her lack of experience in any form of romance, what it was she felt for the reporter. 

 

Kara was Lena’s whole world.

 

She was Lena’s sun that made sure she stayed in orbit. Her bright rays banished the dark clouds that chased her.  

 

From the lightning in the sky
As it passed her flying by -
From the thunder, in the storm -
And the cloud that took the form

 

Kara would make all of her dark stormy clouds that had followed her around her entire life, go away in the blink of an eye. Lena, in turn, made a new even bigger one, by feeling the things she feels for the bubbly blonde. 

 

But Lena knew she could never tell Kara the true depths of her heart. For if she would, Lena would lose the sole thing that kept her going. 

 

When the rest of heaven was blue
Of a demon in her view

 

Other people might allow themselves to dream. To say ‘what if’ ‘What if she likes me back’. ‘What if she kissed me’. Lena knew better than that, though. There was no way Kara Danvers could feel anything more than friendship for her. 

 

Besides, even if the impossible chance she would return them existed, Lena was not worth it. It would be egotistical of Lena to put Kara in such a position for she deserved so much more than what the broken CEO could offer. 

 

But Lena also knew that she could not keep these feelings bottled forever, no matter how much she wanted to. After all, we can never hide our hearts, our true feelings from the ones we love.

 

Lena knew that one day, she would not be able to take it anymore. She would reveal to Kara what she truly meant to her. 

 

And when that would happen, the rope that held the anchor would snap, plummeting Lena back into the darkness she was so used to. 

 

Lena would be back to being….

Alone