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Stoics on sale

Pairings: NaruSasu, GaaNeji, ItaSai (this is crack, I don't know what I was thinking)

Warning for Stoics on Sale: Itachi is a pervert towards Sasuke, but Sasuke doesn't acknowledge him, Naruto being protective. Super OOC on everyone's part, usage of drugs,  Written during the angsty part of Sasuke leaving Konoha.



No 1: The Plan 

Tsunade paced back and forth, she needed a plan quick. Apparently, using the village’s tax money to bet on which kage to die first was NOT a good idea. The hidden village of leaf is now near bankruptcy, with very little back-up.

“Tsunade-baa-chan! I’m bored! I wanna go after Sasuke!” Naruto whined from the little spacing between the doors. Tsunade growled, now was a very critical time for Konoha, and hearing Naruto whine will not help in any way. She twirled and was about to snap at the disrespectful gaki, when her eyes caught a package wrapped neatly, tucked safe under Naruto’s left arm.

“What is that?”

“This? Hmm, it’s a gift that some random fangirl gave me in case I meet Sasuke,”


“You should have seen the bastard’s front porch! I mean THAT is a lot of admirers,”


“They sure don’t mind spending money on him, even if he’s a bastard,”


“Heck, I think some of them would kill just to spend time with him,”

Spend time?

“It’s because he’s so mysterious and quiet, so girls dig him,” Naruto finished blabbering, and turned to see Tsunade spacing out. The hokage smirked.

Boys + fans + spend time = money!

“Naruto, forget Uchiha Sasuke,”Tsunade ordered. Naruto seethed at that.

“There is no way I’m gonna forget him! I’m going to find him and ..”

“I want you to call these people, a mission is on their way,” She scribbled on a scroll and passed it to Naruto, who peeked at the list and scowled.

“These are a weird combination baa-chan,” complained the ever pouty dobe.

“Not for this mission,”


The three people looked at each other warily, figuring that this was gonna be one heck of a weirdo mission if all three of them are needed. The door swung open and Tsunade strode in with Shizune in tow. 

The other inhabitants of the room tensed, they were gonna find out about the mission in this briefing, hopefully it will shed some light to these choice of ninjas.

“The reason you are all here is to serve Konoha, as you have stated in your pledge when you became ninjas,” Tsunade began.

“I don’t even live here,” stated the irritated one, his eyes closing into slits.

“But you owe me for that time I helped in when you buried Kankurou in sand,” Tsunade rebutted.

Gaara sank back into his seat. Just great! He was summoned from sand to repay a debt!

“This mission may even be the most dangerous mission yet, far greater that Akatsuki or Orochimaru,” Tsunade continued on, eyeing the ninjas.

“You may loose something far greater than your life,” at this, the others gasped. Greater than life?

“So I have deemed it fit that the five of you is chosen, as you are the most likely candidates,”

“Hokage-sama, there are only three of us here,” the perceptive one remarked.

“Others will join us, in just a minute,” The hokage grinned.

Neji shook in silent terror at the Hokage’s grin. There was something there, something sinister, evil even. He looked at the silent one, their gaze met and an approval was shared. He can’t defy their Hokage right?

Shino decided that shutting up is the best for now. He himself was clueless to the type of mission he would soon embark with Neji and Gaara. But even so, he could not help but to anticipate the event.

A scuffle can be heard from outside, and all eyes darted to the door. A figure stumbled in, limbs in a heap. When he stood, he dusted himself and found the rest of the company, save Tsunade, gawking at his presence. Neji, Gaara and Shino watched with apprehension as the stranger walked and sat in one of the chairs.

“It is foolish of you, Tsunade-sama. If you think I will listen to you...,” the newcomer said in an even tone, only to be halted by Tsunade.

“I’ll make it worth your while, for I know what you are really after. Do this mission for me and I will grant you the thing you want most,”The unnerving grin was back, and the newbie couldn’t help but wonder if his secret was really known.

“For your mission..,” everyone held their breaths.

“You are now officially on sale,” Tsunade stated in a cheery way.


“This is insane!”

“No way in hell am I gonna be sold, woman!”


“Huh, as if witch,” at that Tsunade twitched and beckoned for the new one for a one on one. When they were far enough, she whipped a couple of pictures and the young man pitched back, nose streaming with blood. Tsunade then showed the pictures to the others, who also pitched back with bloody noses.

“That is what you are after??!!” Gaara blocked his bloody nose and pointed his finger to the newcomer.

“...” Shino just couldn’t find the right words to say.

“I never knew, that you would stoop this low,” Neji bowed his head in shame. He couldn’t believe his eyes, and in the meantime, he wished that Tsunade would share the pictures.

“That’s incest you know,” Gaara shot back.

Itachi took all the comments without a faze. He was not into incest. It’s just that collecting pictures of your hot brother naked makes a mean photo album! Even the guys back at Akatsuki thought it was cool.

“I have my reasons,”Itachi answered back. Tsunade did a victory dance and ushered the rest to sit down. She was gonna explain it to them. For a moment she went stiff, only to grin and face her audience.

“Now listen up, from now on, you will be sold for merchandising purposes ; which technically means that you will be modeling. And also, for most of the time, I will put you guys up for sale,” dramatic pause “ the fangirls,”

Another outbreak ensued. Gaara was trying to leap out of Neji’s hold to hit the Hokage. Itachi merely stated that it was gross to go out with girls and Shino looked aghast.

“This will go at an hourly basis, and I will charge you guys according to the demand. This way we can upgrade Konoha’s wealth in no time,” proudly Tsunade scribbled her ideas down and signed, sealing the scroll. She handed it to Shizune who immediatle took it for further processing.

The others was about to retort when she gave a final blow to seal the deal.

“You owe me,” Gaara bit his lip.

“You are entitled to follow orders, and so are you,” Neji and Shino nodded glumly.

“And you, just think, with all the work you guys are doing, you will have plenty of time to snap pictures of Sasuke naked,” Itachi merely shrugged.

“You also said that there was another one coming,” Neji cut in.

“If you are too old to remember, Sasuke left the village a long time ago,” Itachi stated and began to make his way out.

“On the contrary, he just came back,” Tsunade said. The rest faulted, Itachi quickly turned his gaze to look incredulously at the Hokage.

“Are you not, Sasuke?” From her place, she shifted her eyes to the nearby window, where surely enough, a figure perched elegantly on the window sill. His ebony eyes sparkled with amusement, his raven locks swayed in time with the passing winds.

Itachi’s jaw-dropped, and quickly took out his digital camera to snap a picture. That pose was sooooo sexy! Score one for his album!

Sasuke stood up and smirked. He then nodded at the Hokage, as an indication that he accepts the mission.

“I’m home,”


No 2 : The Bastard 


“Iruka sensei! Help me!” Naruto wailed, flinging his shirts around. Iruka sighed, wishing that Kakashi would do his job properly and be here instead of him. Picking shirts for Naruto was not an easy task. He wanted to fulfill a lot of requirements. A lot of absurd requirements.

“You think Sasuke will like this shirt?”

“This shirt is not transparent enough,”

“I want to look sexy Iruka! Not innocent!”

“Ohh..I can see my nipples!”

Iruka rolled his eyes. It was already midnight, he really needed to go back to the academy and mark papers. He made his way to the front door, ignoring Naruto’s protests.

“Really Naruto, I don’t think you should worry about shirts. Sasuke never looks up,” Iruka waved bye bye and closed the door. Naruto cocked his head to the side, never look up? Does this mean that Sasuke looked down? Sasuke looks at..

Sasuke likes to look at his ass! So it wasn’t about shirts! It’s about pants! Hot pants! Naruto merrily went to search for the perfect pants, just in case Sasuke decided to come visit him tonight, not that he ever did for the past few years, but hey, you can never be too careful right?

“Oh yeah, tight tight leather pants, I look delicious,” Naruto wriggled in front of the mirror for some drama. He never noticed the guest standing behind him.

“Dobe,” was the low baritone, calling for him.

“...” Naruto was stunned. That voice, only one person could ever make an insult sound like an invitation to romp. He wanted to turn to face Sasuke, wanted to see the bastard after years of absence, just then he remembered what Iruka said.

Sasuke never looks up

Oh oh! I should let him get a good glimpse at my butt! Naruto thought happily. With that he stayed that position, his back (or in his opinion, his butt) facing the avenger.

Unfortunately, Sasuke mistook his intentions. He stepped back, his eyes never leaving the only figure that made returning to Konoha worth while.

“I see,” Sasuke said softly.

He saw my butt! Naruto shook in anticipation. It was only minutes now that Sasuke will jump him.

“You...,” another step back.


“You..,” another step back.

Yess!! At this, various scenarios had formed in Naruto’s head.

“ You don’t want to see me,” at the window, the way he entered. Naruto was snapped out of his reverie.

“You hate me,” Naruto only managed to get a glimpse of Sasuke’s eyes as he uttered the words.


“I see,” and Sasuke disappeared into the night. Naruto stood dumbfounded on the spot. The emotions in Sasuke’s eyes had him fixated. Never would he imagined that such emotions exist in his bastard. He ran towards the window.

“Sasuke!” reaching out, he realized...

It was too late.


The Uchiha masion was always his home. Sasuke never thought otherwise. Itachi was also there, but the onslaught of events that night had him emotionally drained. When he met Itachi at the hall, he only stared at his brother, had this pained expression on (Itachi snapped one picture here, a dejected Sasuke was a sexy Sasuke) and went into his old room. He stayed on the bed, looking at the window. Itachi entered, with every intention of finding out what’s wrong. 

He sat on the bed beside his little brother. The bed dipped as the extra weight was settled upon it.

“Aniki,” Sasuke murmured. Itachi inwardly swooned at the gesture, being matured was doing good to his brother.

“Naruto hates me,” And his dreams of molesting his brother was slightly dented. It was about the Kyuubi?

“What should I do, aniki?” Sasuke never expected his brother to answer. If anything, he never expected Itachi to understand. He couldn’t understand either, that’s why he came back. To see Naruto.

To clarify.

“Let me hold you brother,”Itachi commanded, all the while already pulling his brother into his hold.

“You’re already doing that idiot,” Sasuke retorted. This was nice, the brother he used to have was here again. He sank back into Itachi’s embrace and Itachi pulled them to lie down on the bed.

“It will be okay brother, I am here,” Itachi informed Sasuke. Sasuke said nothing. He was about to drift off into sleep when,

“Now let me grope you,”Itachi subliminally tried to persuade Sasuke to comply.

“You know I still want to kill you, right?”


The next morning the whole village gathered at the Hokage mountain, it seems that Tsunade-sama had important announcements to make. The Hokage smirked at the presence of the audience, oh yes...she is gonna be rich, baby! 

A good sum of the populace was made up of girls...teenage hormonal girls! How promising. She cleared her throat, and immediately all eyes were on her.

“Ladies and gentleman, I proudly present to you a new service that will spread love and joy around!,”

The town began excited whispers, what new service does the Hokage have in mind?

“From now on, I will make the most wanted ninjas available for companionship and reserved for dates,”

“You will now have your own ninja boyfriend for as long as you can afford them,”

“It doesn’t even have to be a date, you can just hang out,”

“Or ask for a sparring session,”

“You may also make them work for you, as long as it is not over the line of appropriateness,”

“Whatever the request, they will fulfill it!”

“I guarantee you that they will not harm you in any way,”

The town was buzzing with excited chatters, this was a grand idea! Now everyone can feel what it’s like to have a ninja companion, and to top it of, they are the most wanted ones! The girls were silently praying, hoping that their idols were the ones chosen for this service.

“I now present to you the ninjas chosen!” she stepped aside to show a curtained stage. Drum rolls were heard.

“Hyuuga Neji!” Neji stepped out from behind the curtains, dressed in black leather jacket with a white shirt, black jeans and NIKE sneakers. The audience erupted in a heavy applause, girls screaming their heads out.

“Aburame Shino!” Shino also joined Neji on stage, sporting his normal attire but everything was in white. Even his pants were white, and obviously, even though Shino was thought to be the most transparent one amongst the rookie nine, the girls didn’t think so. Cheers were heard, as well as devotions of undying love.

“Sabaku no Gaara!” Gaara made a dramatic entrance with sand as company. By this time some of the guys cheered as well, each hoping to play with the notorious sand nin. Half of the girls were already in epileptic shock.

“And may I also present, a rarity in this service. A ninja so exquisite that only I, your awesome Hokage can bring you,” the girls that were in shock woke up, peering over the crowd to see who Tsunade was talking about.

Naruto gazed at the crowd, hoping to see if Sakura or Kakashi was there. He wanted to ask if Sasuke visited them last night, but all the commotion had him intrigued.

He heard the stuff about Neji and Shino and Gaara being sold as dates, and it was hard to say that he did not laugh his ass out at their predicament. He was also curios towards this seemingly special ninja Tsunade was blabbing about.

“People of Konoha, Uchiha Itachi,” the curtains were drawn back a bit to reveal Itachi in his handsome glory, looking impassive as ever. He donned a sleeveless black top with belts that dangled from his hips. Black pants hugged his legs perfectly, showing his defined form beautifully. He scanned the audience for their reaction; if they did not want him then he can just stay in Konoha without having to be sold. Then he can focus on taking pictures of his brother.

The town went deathly quiet, and then erupted in a swooning, giggling madness. Girls snapped photos with their cameras and handphones, screaming to get the Uchiha’s attention.

“Oh my god that is soooo hot!”

“I wouldn’t mind being murdered by you Itachi!”

“A missing nin ? Awesome!” even some guys were excited. Itachi rolled his eyes, there goes his plan to follow his brother around.

Naruto gaped at the missing nin on stage. Was Tsunade out of her mind? Okay so maybe not, if the amount of girls screaming was any indication.. but still! Itachi! Sasuke will not approve! If he is in this village. At that Naruto sulked, he missed Sasuke. He wanted Sasuke back, not Itachi.

“And now. The main attraction!” Tsunade announced and the drum rolls were; if possible, louder than before. Naruto and the rest of the town stopped their cheering of Itachi to stare at their leader. Someone better that Itachi?

“Will you welcome, Uchiha SASUKE!!!” The curtains were completely drawn back, there in the center stage, was Uchiha Sasuke, in ivory wonder. He sported a white shirt with buttons undone, showing a glimpse of his chest. Blue jeans ripped at suggestive places hung low from his slender hips, barely clinging there. He wore no shoes, but being barefooted only added to his appeal. The town went silent, slightly confused at his presence.

“OH GOD!!!!SASUKE-SAMA!!KYAAAAA!!!!” that was the beginning of a phenomenal uproar. From girls, guys, young and old. Many tried to climb onto the stage to reach the returned prodigy, while ANBU was having a tough time stopping them. Tsunade smirked, she was gonna be filthy rich!

“I would die for you!”

“I don’t care if you rape me!”

“Lets &#$#&!!!!”

“I’d love to have a one night stand with you!”

Meanwhile our beloved dobe just gawked at how handsome Sasuke has become. His eyes were darker, more intense. His hair a little longer, looked much softer after all this time. His lips fuller and took on a blood red rose color.

And his ass is waaaaay perkier.

Then Naruto saw that Sasuke turned towards Itachi and approached his hated brother. Oh no, he has to save Sasuke now right? The town had also trained their eyes on the Uchiha siblings, waiting for the event to unfold..

“Just like we practiced,” Itachi smiled in a perverted way while Sasuke showed no emotion.

“Just like Tsunade threaten you mean,” The younger one retorted. Sasuke turned his back towards Itachi and let his aniki embraced him, bringing their bodies into contact. Itachi’s hand sneaked into Sasuke’s shirt splaying his hand on Sasuke’s firm stomach. His other hand crept towards Sasuke’s lips, gently carressing the bottom one. Sasuke mock- moaned, just like Tsunade ordered. Itachi inhaled his brother's scent, before tracing his lips along Sasuke’s neck.

Apparently, Sasuke did not need saving. Naruto clenched his hands...when this is over, Itachi is going to D.I.E! In the amidst of fainting bodies and bloodied noses(at the fanservice dispaly of incestual yaoi), Naruto needed a plan to win against all of Konoha, who now have access to his Sasuke.


No 3 : The Immediate Danger


Gaara was not having a good day. 

“Mister, mister. Do that sand thing again!!”

“Dude, you gotta help me win this sand castle making competition! I soooo totally have to impress this chick!”

“How does it feel to be Kazekage at such a young age?”-that was a reporter.

“Oh Gaara-sama, kiss me!”

Oh, why did God punish him so??!! This was just his first few jobs and already they were driving him insane! He silently prayed that by the end of the day, he would get to rest, drink coffee and maybe have some chocolates. If said chocolates were draped onto a blushing Neji, it would be more perfect! Yes, despite his emotionless state, Gaara was very much into Hyuuga Neji, and by the end of this stupid business obligation Neji will be his damnit!

“Gaara sama, I have a surprise for you,” a voice drawled lazily from behind a bedroom door. Please let it not be ANOTHER naked girl.


Itachi was not having a good day. 

“Itachi-san! Let us tuuut tuuut tuut,”

“Take me now Itachi-sama! KYAAAA!”

“Why did you kill the Uchiha clan?”-that was ANBU.

“Itachi, un, the boss sent me to see how much you are per hour, un. He wants to date you too,un,” Occasionally, few Akatsuki members who had a crush on him came as well. But Itachi could care less about those idiots. All he wants is his little brother, his expressions, no clothes, and a camera. That is sooo hot!

“Oh, my god! It’s Itachi!!!!”

But first he has to survive the day.


Shino was not having a good day. 

“Ano. Shino-kun. Would you like some tea?”

“That bug is soo cute!”

“What a nice young man. I hope after this you will always visit me here at my mansion,”

“I made these cookies for you Shino-kun,”

Okay, apparently Shino was having a good day.


Neji was not having a good day. 

“Neji! Let us run together towards the sunset! Yosh!” Why the hell did Lee buy him? They always see each other during practice!

“Neji-kun, you are soo handsome!”

“I love you Neji!!”

“Marry me!”

“Won’t you help me take these off?” a girl pointed at her dress. Neji rolled his eyes. This was what his village had? Hormonal teenage girls?!! Shivering alone, Neji made a mental note to check his sexuality. Hopefully he’s gay.

“Neji, this is your next customer,” Tsunade gestured towards the door. Neji faltered in his steps. The banners and predatory glint in their eyes made him tremble in fear.



Sasuke was not having a good day. 





“Ooohhh...Sasuke-sama...guess what I’m wearing under these...that’s right! I’m not wearing anything!”-that was a boy. Sasuke did his job half heartedly, part of him was still hung up on the fact that Naruto hated him and refused to see him. Part of him wanted to tear through the streets and look for his dobe. Confess, and have a hot make out session right now. Most of his job did not require him to do anything. Just his presence alone is enough to make the girls /guys faint into bliss, dreaming of him in perverted ways. He sighed dejectedly. He hoped that sometime soon, he could see his dobe and straight things up.

Unknown to him, high in the roof tops, Naruto watched his every move. Naruto clenched his fists every time someone touches HIS teme. He has to make his move soon, or all would be lost. Naruto tried not to think that on one of his job, Sasuke would meet with someone worth his fancy and fall in love, leaving him in the dark all alone. He shut his eyes and shook his head rapidly. That can never happen! He will not allow it! So by following Sasuke on every job/date, he could keep a close look out and when Sasuke was done with one job, he would beat the crap out of those &$# who dared to defile his innocent Sasu-chan.

Most of the time Naruto would get caught staring at Sasuke’s features; how the Uchiha had matured well these years. Sasuke’s eyes were the most beautiful part of the stoic teen, dark and intense. His gaze snapped when the girl(b) put her hand on Sasuke’s arms, making Sasuke appear apprehensive.

“Why won’t you fall in love with me, Sasuke?” the girl bit her lip for extra effect, hoping that Sasuke would be guilty and give her a chance. Naruto observed the event unfold with distaste. That whore!

“My heart is with another,” came the abrupt reply. The girl all but sobbed and ran off, half of it due to a broken heart, another half due to the intense urge of being a girl and need to spread rumors. Sasuke watched yet another fangirl squashed by his sincere answer. He sighed as he made his way back to Tsunade to find out his next job.

Naruto was taken aback by this sudden knowledge. Had he already lost Sasuke to an unknown threat? NO! He would not think so. Maybe Sasuke said it to keep his fans off his back. yeah! It seemed logical. During his self-rant, he managed to see Sasuke’s panicked face, Tsunade smirk and a group of people drag said Uchiha out of the office.

Are they kidnapping him?!! Why is that old hag not doing anything! Oh..maybe it’s his new job..but still! If he is being forced to do something he is clearly afraid of, I should help him out!!

With that in mind Naruto burst into the office and snatched the list of clients from Tsunade’s hand, ignoring the Hokage’s sputters of protest. He scanned the list for the most recent time. His eyes bulged out when he saw who it was. Quickly dropping the list and dashing out the door, Naruto frantically tried to follow suit of the large group.

DAMN! He lost them!

Naruto tapped into Kyuubi’s power and supplied chakra to his senses. No way in hell was he leaving Sasuke in the hands of those idiots!

Meanwhile, back at her office, Tsunade stared at the list in bewilderment. Was there anything wrong? Is the Uchiha in danger? She doubted it. Though the group looked a little bit insane, they were harmless.

“What’s wrong with the NejiSasu fanclub? They were surely rich enough to buy both Neji and Sasuke, it will be a waste to decline their offer,” Tsunade pondered out aloud.


She snapped her head in time to see her door smashed to pieces. There, stood in the entrance, one of her models glared heatedly at her direction. She could feel cold sweat made its way down her head.

Sand was swirling in a deadly and hectic manner around the figure.

“WHO HAS BOUGHT NEJI?” Gaara’s chakra leaked out in waves, indicating that hell was about to break lose.


No 4: The Triple Threat


He was losing precious time. Naruto knew that if he did not hurry up, Sasuke will be lost forever. He could picture it now…

Neji, I love your super mega ultra smexy hair!”

I’ll give you something else to love, dear, dear Sasu-chan..heheheh,”

Naryto shook his head rapidly, all the while scanning the area for Sasuke’s chakra. There is no way Sasuke will say those stuff! And Neji isn’t interested in Sasuke in any way!


No!! Stay away! My heart, body and soul belongs to Uzumaki Naruto, the macho-est macho seme of all times!” cried a disgruntled Sasuke, pushing Neji as far as his arms allowed him to.

Too bad...he can’t save you now,” Neji closed his distance with Sasuke for the kill.

Neji is soo dead if he tries anything on Naruto’s Sasuke dammit!

“Did you hear? The NejiSasu club bought this weird drug from my store. It’s supposed to make whoever consumes it act in ways out of whack!”

“I hope nobody will get hurt,”

Naruto sped up. He better hurry!


Needless to say, Gaara was also rushing towards the NejiSasu club as well. His sand was trailing dangerously behind him. The public was wise enough to stay out of his way. Sadly, that was not the case with Kiba, Shino and Hinata, who got mauled with his sand for standing in his path. 

Neji better not do anything he will regret. It was no secret that the damned Uchiha was attracted to the Uzumaki kit, therefore Gaara was in no worry about them suddenly realizing that they liked each other and decide to have a relationship. But he was worried that Neji, being single and of questionable sexuality would harbor feelings towards said Uchiha. Who wouldn’t?! Even his deranged brother had perverted thoughts about the young Uchiha! So if someone with the emotional capacity of a snowflake was obsessed over Sasuke, what about us normal guys?(It was beyond Gaara’s mind power to process the fact that he was anything but normal at this time)

Still, he was losing precious time. To keep his Neji all pure from the touches of other beings, Gaara hoped that he will arrive in time, sweep Neji off his feet, run into the Netherlands, or Vegas, where it would be legal to have gay marriages.

Little did he know, he was running the wrong way.


“You sold him to whom??!!!” bellowed the other Uchiha, who was currently in Tsunade’s office only to find his job was over for the day, and his brother was about to be forced into an erotic fanservice show with none other than Hyuuga Neji. He was not happy at this event. If someone was going to grope, kiss or molest Sasuke, it will be him! 

“I don’t see why it is your business..” Tsunade’s rant fell on deaf ears as Itachi focused his chakra in finding his brothers whereabouts. No luck, the club must be really professional at hiding their tracks. He snapped his gaze back at the Hokage. It was one thing to be sold to women, but to have his brother doing naughty stuff with other guys was just plain rude! He smirked, the contract said he couldn’t hurt his clients, but Tsunade wasn’t a client, was she?

“Tsukiyomi!” yep, we don’t wanna know what psycho realm Itachi has put Tsunade into, do we now?

Not being a genius for nothing, Itachi quickly dashed off to save his brother.



If girls (and perverted guys) was to see the helpless state that Sasuke was in, they would gladly kill their own family for such a golden opportunity. Not only was the Uchiha gagged, bound with chains and was placed conveniently on a chair for molesting pleasure, his shirt was ripped at places so suggestive, no further suggestions was needed. Neji, on the other hand, now the victim of said drug(mentioned above) and was slowly losing himself more and more. Sasuke hoped for Neji’s sake (cause he will kick ass after this ordeal is through, and not to mention his brother, after serious groping, will kick Neji’s ass too) that the Hyuuga will not do anything stupid.

“Why Sasuke, your hair is soooo soft, it’s like a kitten’s fur,” with that heavy petting ensued, while a gagged Uchiha glared beneath black bangs, eyes promising death and pain after death.

Get your hands off you white eyed pansy!

“What is it? Oh, yes. I was just wondering about something today,” Neji babbled on, like a husband chatting with his wife.

“I was with those girls when I realized that, after all these years, why did I not have any interest in them?”

That’s because you are GAY!

“Then it occured to me, I may be gay!”

Duh! I knew it the moment you pranced about fate and destiny! That’s is soo GAY! Just like your gay team mate, who pranced about youth!

“But I need to be sure,”

Don’t even think about it!

“Then Tsunade sent me to these guys, and I must say, checking if I’m gay by testing it with you is really turning me on,”

I said don’t!

“What? You want to find out too? Well, I shall not disappoint,” Neji continued to pat Sasuke, his hands then slowly getting lower and lower. He swiped his thumb on Sasuke’s lips, slowly but surely inching his face closer as well.

Aniki! Save me! Eeewww! That’s gross!

Neji puffed his breath onto Sasuke’s cheeks, running his thumb onto the curve of Sasuke’s neck. The NejiSasu club was on overdrive. The drug worked wonders!

“I am definitely gay,”

I already knew that! Stop touching me! Naruto!

In Neji’s blatant disregard of Sasuke’s protest, his hair fell onto Sasuke’s nose, suffocating him in the process.

Damn you girly boy! Your hair is suffocating me! Naruto!

“Too bad I like redheads,” Neji’s hand trailed down onto Sasuke’s stomach, absent mindedly stroking there. His hair now efficiently cutting off Sasuke’s oxygen flow.

“I also prefer green eyes,” Neji lowered his face onto Sasuke’s collarbone, where he proceeded, with gusto, to suck and leave a mark. With that Sasuke became more de-oxygenated, and lost consciousness.

“But one kiss would not hurt right?” Neji murmured, after making a hickey, and raised his head to tip the Uchiha’s face, ignorng the fact that the Uchiha was not struggling anymore.

“You bet your white ass it will damn hurt!”


Naruto was seeing red. Literally. The hickey Neji left on Sasuke’s collar bone pulsed a bright red, mocking him. Neji had just marked his SASUKE. HIS SASUKE! Needless to say, Neji got beaten within an inch of his life, starting with a chair to the face and other well practiced wrestling moves. Gaara arrived not long after that and mauled Naruto with sand for hurting HIS Neji. But after seeing the unconscious Uchiha and the hickey, he decided to throw in a few wrestling moves of his own on Neji. It was bloody. 

Lifting up the in-coma-about-to-die Hyuuga in his arms bridal style, Gaara turned towards Naruto, who was busy releasing Sasuke and craddling him gently to his chest.

“I will make sure that this WILL NOT happen again,” the Kazekage but growled the words. Naruto nodded in affirmative, indicating that a repeat of this event will lead to no Hyuuga Neji after that. Gaara then disappeared in a swirl of sand. Naruto took Sasuke away to the Uchiha mansion.


The NejiSasu club woke up after being pulverized by an eager dobe, all with multiple bruises in places they didn’t know existed. They vaguely heard crashng sounds, and chairs being broken, but just when they were about to come to, sand flooded their vision and they were once again, knocked dead. The second time they woke from their beaten slumber, a figure loomed in the entry way, clutching what seemed like a picture of Neji making a hickey on the Uchiha Sasuke. 

The figure glared heatedly until the picture burst into flames, defying all laws of physics and logic.



“That damn Hyuuga! Having no self control! I swear if he ever comes near Sasuke again, I’ll let Kyuubi go berserk on his fate and destiny!” Naruto mumbled to himself, while tucking in Sasuke into his bed. He brushed off a few hair strands, contented in hearing Sasuke sighed happily at his touch. How he wanted to stay until the young Uchiha awakens, but he knew that he needed some time before confronting the Uchiha about what happened that night. 

“I don’t hate you, Sasuke. I never will,” with that he placed a lingering kiss on Sasuke’s lips, a silent promise that he will always be there for him. He left quietly through the window, hopping on rooftops towards his apartment.

Sasuke smiled in his sleep.


It was rather midnight when Itachi came home, tired of having to deal with Sasuke’s fangirls and doing Tsukiyomi on many people at once was taking a toll on him. He entered Sasuke’s bedroom to find his brother looking broken on the bed. Scratch marks and is that –gasp!- teeth marks??! on his brother had him at alert, ready for extra killing this night. After all, he wasn’t Anbu captain at a young age for nothing right? After snapping one photo for his album, he made his way to his otouto, copped a feel and asked who did it. 

“The OroSasu...and..and..SasuSaku club,” Sasuke panted in short breaths. He got groped again for that seductive statement, and when Itachi left some medication saying that he had business to attend to, Sasuke never knew that the slamming of the door could sound so melodious to his ears.

If he had a possesive, missing nin brother, might as well take advantage of that. Two birds, with one stone. Kukukukuku.


No. 5: Icha Icha Panic 



Orochimaru hung from a flag pole, adorning multiple bruises AND a purple bare-back dress. His hair was covered in butterfly clippers; face was in the finest make-up range courtesy of L’OREAL. People were crowding the town centre, and a few jounins were trying to get Orochimaru down. Whoever was responsible must be really powerful, for no one including ANBU noticed when it was done.

There was also the fact that Haruno Sakura mysteriously sporting near fatal injuries that had her retained in ICU for weeks. Her family, friends and boyfriend was distraught at such and incident.

Who could have done such horrors?


Sasuke smirked from his position, and then continued on to see Tsunade for his dates today. Ah…what a wonderful world! The birds were singing, a rainbow span the vast blue skies in such vibrant colours, flowers seemed to be sprouting dew! And to top it all off, a smiling, blushing Naruto was waving at him from a safe distance away, near the Ichiraku stand. 

“Teme,” Naruto greeted the young Uchiha, lowering his gaze in shy movements. Today Sasuke was dressed in denim from top to bottom, a denim jacket that stopped at the middle of his ribcage with a pocket at the left side. A white muscle shirt hugged his torso, showing off well-built muscles. Tight jeans ended with white leather boots that reached his calves, accentuating his lithe legs. Sasuke tipped his sun-glasses down, smirking at the adorable dobe, eliciting more colouring to the blonde’s cheeks.

“Would you like some breakfast, Naruto?” the invitation sounded as if it was not about food, but something entirely different. Naruto grinned instantly and dragged said Uchiha towards the ramen stand. They took seats and Naruto ordered the “regular” whilst Sasuke opted for miso ramen.

“Ano sa, about that night, Sasuke…I..,” Naruto was cut off when Sasuke smiled sincerely. The glow on the Uchiha’s face rivalled the brightest gems and Naruto suddenly found it difficult for him to breathe.

“I know I misunderstood that night,” Sasuke replied, while silently thanking the owner for his ramen. “Though I don’t know why you wouldn’t want to face me,”

“Eheheheh,” laughed a sheepish Naruto. He broke his chopsticks, muttering an ‘itadakimasu’ before digging in. He took peeks at Sasuke from time to time, so many questions swimming in his head. How was Sasuke? What was he doing now? Does he still want to kill Itachi? Why hadn’t he come home?

Come home to Naruto.

“Am I that ugly to look at, Naruto?” Sasuke stopped eating to stare intensely at the dobe who made him have those restless nights.

“WHAT!!!??? No! You’re not ugly at all!” Naruto’s hand gripped Sasuke’s shoulder in a comforting manner. Sasuke was definitely not ugly. In fact, Sasuke was…


No. Sasuke IS…

“Gorgeous.” Sasuke tipped his mouth to one side, making it look like a smirk, but also a lopsided smile at the same time. He was glad that Naruto thought he was gorgeous. He turned back to his meal, missing the fact that Naruto still had his hands on his shoulders.

AND the fact that the dobe was drooling, perverted thought rampaging.

Gorgeous-beautiful-pretty-smooth skin-MINE-black eyes-silky hair-adorable-molest worthy-cute-MINE-nice a...-long, flowing legs-MINE-firm muscles-grope friendly- slim waist- soft lips-MINE-perfect a...- oh god, such abs!-MINE!

Sasuke also failed to notice that Naruto’s hand had oh-so-innocently ventured downwards from his shoulder, by-passing his shoulder blades and waist and dangerously trailing towards the hem of his jeans.

Naruto could not believe that Sasuke was so trusting! How lucky is that?!

He was about to go further when all of a sudden, a muffled noise snapped him out of his perverted glee, making him look up towards Sasuke’s face.

Only to see WHAT THE HELL!

Kakashi was absent-mindedly licking Sasuke’s cheeks. The man had a bit of his mask pulled down; his silver hair swayed a bit as he tilted in a different direction to cover more of Sasuke’s face.

All this while Sasuke was staring with a confused look on his face, moving his face according to the man’s hand gesture.

“DIE YOU PERVERTED A...H...E!!!!!!!” a punch connected directly to Kakashi’s face, making a popping sound before it was replaced with a log. Naruto swivelled in rage to look for the idiot who dared to touch- much less lick! – his Sasuke. He darted out of the ramen stand.

“Kakashi-sensei?” a question from his beloved avenger had him turning back in two seconds flat.


Somehow Kakashi was able to get Sasuke on his lap, the Uchiha looking more confused than ever but made no move to get off. Oh why??! Why god did Sasuke have to be soo cute and innocent??!! But he had to admit, Sasuke being this way will make it easier for him to…heheheheheh.

During his mental debate, Naruto failed to hear the conversation going on between the jounin and the young Uchiha.

“Ah, there was some soup on your face, Sasuke. And if you don’t lick off ramen soup from your face it might grow and grow and take over your face,” Kakashi grinned and moved his hands so that he had a better grip on the Uchiha.

Sasuke stared for a few seconds, knowing that what Kakashi said was a lie. He made some attempts to get off but the jounins hold on him was strong so he opted to stay and hear what the idiot wants.

Then he will chidori Kakashi’s ass for interrupting his “date” with Naruto.

“OH! There are some on your lips as well, Sasuke! Let me…”Kakashi leaned in.

“…kiss it…”by now Naruto had come out of his daydreaming, and was met with the sight of KAKASHI LEANING IN TO KISS SASUKE!!!????

“…off you,” Sasuke was already feeling a bit uneasy, pushing the man to get some space. Kakashi however, was gripping the raven’s waist, effectively cutting off that attempt. Their lips were just merely inches apart. Kakashi closed his eyes and inched forward.

How soft, little Sasuke’s lips felt like TWO FEET CONNECTING TO HIS FACE!??!!

The jounin stumbled back and glared at the meddling bastard that dare intrude on his romantic moment. He gulped when he saw who it was. Or rather, who THEY were.

Both Uchiha Itachi and Uzumaki Naruto were standing protectively in front of Sasuke. The young man tipped his head quizzically at the dispute going on. What is it with everybody?

Kakashi could feel cold sweat breaking down. Naruto was baring –gulp- Kyuubi fangs, red chakra swirling about him frantically. His right hand was hosting the ever destructive rasengan, ready to hit a jounin’s chest if he dared to continue that scene. He moved to observe the other one and felt a lump the size of a basketball in his throat. Itachi was calm, his face serene. But his eyes were already spinning with the deadly mangekyou, a gaze so sharp that you could literally feel it piercing, and stabbing you multiple times. Black chakra emanated from his body, surrounding him and giving Kakashi (plus bystanders within 100 mile radius) a sense of Armageddon closing in.

Crap. Jiraiya better save him quick.

“There you are my main star! What took you so long? Quickly, we don’t have all day, you know!” talk about lucky, Kakashi hastily wiped off his bum and bowed a bit towards the sannin. Both Naruto and Itachi’s chakra lessened and watched in perplex as Jiraiya made his way towards the young Uchiha.

“Man, did you cost a fortune to book. But it is all worth it! After this my Icha Icha: Yaoi Edition will completely dominate the market,” Jiraiya signalled Kakashi to take Sasuke with them, pointedly ignoring Naruto’s and Itachi’s presence.

“WHAT!!!!” Ero-sennin was gonna use Sasuke for x-rated purposes so that he could write his perverted book??! Itachi growled low in his throat and made a move to stop the party before a hand grabbed him on the wrist. He turned to see THE AKATSUKI GANG??!! Even Naruto was distracted and failed to see Sasuke being kidnapped.

“Itachi-dana, unn. Today is the boss’s birthday so we booked you for the whole day! Man, you couldn’t guess how many guys we had to assassinate in order to raise money for purchasing you! UN!” Deidara tugged insistently at Itachi’s hand to get them going. The rest of the Akatsuki members followed with mutters of ‘bankrupt’ or ‘so damn expensive’ and even occasionally a few ‘there goes my life savings’ and ‘how the heck am I gonna buy the next Naruto comic?’. Itachi knew that it was futile to struggle, especially if it involves a persistent Deidara. He turned towards Naruto, an annoyed look marring his face.

“Kyuubi-idiot, as you can see I am in a bit of predicament. You have to save Sasuke while I try to get out of this mess,” and with that he was poofed away.

Naruto did not have to be told twice.


No 6: Master and pupil


Sasuke growled softly from his prison. If that ***hole of a jounin thinks he can touch him, he’s dead wrong. DEAD wrong. Isn’t this considered rape??!




“Hmm?” the masked nin looked up from his book. He raised one eyebrow to show that he was listening.


“Let me go,”


“Nope. You belong to Jiraiya for 2 hours,”


“I’m not sleeping with you,”


“Of course not, that's gross,"


With that Sasuke scoffed indifferently. We’ll wait and see. The moment he comes within reach, Sasuke was gonna chidori his ass.


“I’m back my little money makers~!” Jiraiya hollered form the hallway. Sasuke took this moment to assess the room. He was in an expensive hotel, six stars the least. That old perverted nin sure did go to extreme measures. What the dickens did he want with Sasuke anyway? Oh well. Might have to chidori his ass too. Show him who’s boss.


“And now…” Jiraiya released all the stuff he was holding onto the bed. Which turned out to be a costume.


A girl costume.


Sasuke renewed his vigour in shaking the bars.


I’m coming Sasu-chan!


Naruto shook his head. He was frantically asking the receptionist where Sasuke was. All the receptionist could remember was the 12 th floor. 

Damn! Those veterans sure know their stuff! Even rigged the damn receptionist! He climbed onto the 12 th .


“You can’t make me!!”


“Now, now Sasuke,”


“**** you!”




“***************** you and ***** ***** *!!”


“Perhaps it is wise to let me, Jiraiya- san?” Oh uh. Looks like trouble. Kakashi made his way up front, past a bloody and bruised Jiraiya. He had kept his book and changed into his costume, which looked like a prince’s. Pretty damn gorgeous if you asked Sasuke. If you’re into the OLD type.






“Sasuke, look at me,”


“Over my dead..” and the next thing he saw was shining blue orbs, staring intently at him. Turning his legs into jelly.


Then he knew no more.


Naruto was heading back down to the lobby to give the receptionist a piece of his mind. Sasuke was no where in sight. He was about to turn into the corner where you can see the 12 th floor elevator, when lo and behold, there was Jiraiya and Kakashi, who was holding an unconscious Sasuke??!!

“Crap,” Kakashi muttered, gently placing Sasuke onto the floor. Jiraiya was already in battle mode, kunai at hand. This is gonna be ugly.


“Heheheheeeee….” Manic laughter came from Naruto, his red chakra swirling around him in frantic movements. Plants within close proximity instantly turned black, charred by the mere intensity.

Three seconds after that, every window on the 12 th floor exploded.

Luckily for them no one else got hurt, except for two unlucky nins who were still in the intensive care unit. Kakashi had fractured bones everywhere, and Tsunade almost used all of her chakra just to keep them alive.


Jiraiya was still in a coma.


Sasuke however, was safely tucked into his bed at the Uchiha manor. Naruto brought him back there to avoid any suspicion, and a raging Itachi will be too hard to handle. He did, however, snapped a picture of Sasuke in the girl costume, and decided that it will be his peace offering to Itachi for failing to save Sasuke from the evil clutches of those two perverted A-holes. So far, no visible wounds can be seen. He left after leaving a goodnight kiss to his beloved, and swore that he was gonna erase whatever trace there was left of the project that Jiraiya had been doing.


Itachi came home exhausted to the bone. His hair was messy and there were strings everywhere. He immediately whizzed into Sasuke’s room to see if his outoto was alright.

  So far so good, skin tone normal, no bruises, just rope burn marks on his hands and legs…ROPE BURN MARKS!!!???

The slamming of the door signalled that two more victims will join the growing pile of mangekyou’s torture, and Sasuke quietly hid the rope he was holding further under his pillow.


No 7: The Artist


A knock on the door snapped Tsunade out of her reverie. Silently she fumed at the idiot who dared to disturb her time off.


“Come in,” she answered gruffly. A curious brow was raised when the visitor entered her room.


“Tsunade-sama, I’d like to talk about purchasing Sasuke,”


Sasuke sneezed. He was currently resting his head on the dobe’s lap. Naruto had invited him over for lunch and had taken on to reading scrolls while Sasuke unabashedly plomped onto his lap. At first Naruto had disagreed greatly, but with Sasuke yawning so cutely, he opted to keep quiet and enjoy the time they spent together. Lately Sasuke was able to get away earlier than usual from his ‘appointments’, having intensified his gaze only served as a major ‘nose-bleed inducing’ method to his buyers. After ‘finishing’ his job, Sasuke instantly went on Naruto hunt, catching the usuratonkachi for a quick lunch and sometimes a quick date (Naruto dubbed all their escapades dates)


“Sasuke? Are you cold?” no answer. Naruto sighed and opened his jacket to put it on Sasuke’s shoulder. Sasuke smiled when he felt Naruto’s warmth and smell invaded his senses. He sighed happily, completely missing Naruto’s beaming grin. Nothing can be more perfect.


Until Itachi showed up and replaced Naruto's place. Naruto was pushed almost over the edge of his balcony, hanging on the railing for dear life. In the commotion Sasuke remained oblivious, and started purring when his brother rubbed his head. Itachi smirked and recorded the sound with his handphone, intent on making it his incoming message tone.   


‘Weird. Naruto smells different and his legs are more muscular,’ Sasuke thought but decided to ignore it. Naruto on the other hand managed to climb over the railing and proceeded to storm into his living room.


“Itachi yarou!! How dare you barge in here and take my place?!!!”


“Aniki?” Sasuke slowly woke up only to have his head pushed back onto his aniki’s lap. He sighed and made himself comfortable. There was no stopping his aniki now. Besides, watching Naruto get all riled up was fun. He could almost pretend that Naruto was jealous.




In Naruto’s mind it didn’t looked as if Sasuke surrendered in his own free will…


“Aniki…please…I want to be with Naruto..,”


“Obey me little brother, or else I will kill Naruto,”


“Ahhhn~ aniki,” little Sasuke was forced to lie on Itachi’s lap, a lone tear streaming down his blossoming cheeks…


“NOOOOO!!!!! I won’t let you live for forcing my Sasuke!!!” Naruto charged with a Rasengan. Itachi placed his brother’s head gently on a conveniently nearby pillow, his mangekyou fully charged.


“I will rid of you Kyuubi boy, and then Sasuke will do as I please,” itachi murmured between blows and defense.


“Over your dead body you -beeeeeeeep-!” Naruto renewed his vigour. While they were fighting to the death, they failed to notice a figure creeping in and subduing Sasuke with chloroform (who was amazed with how people can turn murderous to defend his honour [more like defile it] thus was off focus).


And they continued fighting for about 3 hours. By the end of their chivalry act, Naruto was the one that noticed Sasuke was missing.


“Sasuke? SASUKE!!” frantically, both of them searched around Naruto’s house foe any indication of Sasuke’s whereabouts.


“Maybe he got called to his next job,” Itachi murmured, and disappeared in a flash, followed closely by Naruto, heading towards Tsunade’s office.




“What is this beep!  you sicko!!” Sasuke struggled against invisible binds, posing him in an exquisite display of art extraordinaire. He was propped on a recliner, legs open slightly while his hands were positioned 1) on top of the sofa, and 2) on his left thighs.


With nothing on except for a piece of cloth covering what needed to be covered (but just barely) placed conveniently across his lap.


And he can’t move a muscle.


“This is my special jutsu that I use to make sure that my model doesn’t spoil my pictures,” Sai replied casually. His hand moved meticulously, sketching away the sight before him.


Having Sasuke as his model was brilliant. The male suited the lonely, angsty, pale arc angel theme he had in mind. And this would complete his art book just nicely.

“SAI??!! SASUKE WAS BOUGHT BY SAI??! OH MY GOD, SAI IS GONNA PERV ON SASUKE!! I’VE GOT TO SAVE HIM!!” with that Naruto headed off, leaving a trail of smoke behind (but not before trashing Tsunade’s office).


“Sai?” Itachi enquired. 


“He’s the one who looks like your brother. Only more flamboyant. Kami, I swear that brat does this on purpose so that I’ll die of hypertension and he becomes Hokage faster!” Tsunade sighed impatiently. She began her quest to salvage her office any way that she can.


Itachi made a dash following the kyuubi bearer. Sai? He wondered briefly (all this while elucidating fans with his mangekyou) how similar they were.


And how more gay Sai was. Cause Sasuke was waaaay gay. If Sai was more gay, that is one heck of an increase in the levels of gayness. Oh well, judging from the kyuubi’s excited claim, he was pretty sure he would know soon.


Damn soon.

The curves, the tone, the expression blended in one smooth, even colour coordination. This is the epitome of an artist’s masterpiece! No other subject comes close to this. 


Or so he thought. Little did Sai know, he was about to meet the one that could rival (but in Sasuke sama’s devoted fans’ heart, no one can compare) his masterpiece at being a masterpiece.


His aniki.


“SAAAAI~!!! Let go of my Sasuke!!!!!!” Naruto barged in through Sai’s living room. He was greeted by the sight of Sasuke's bare bottom peeking innocently from being wedged into the recliner. 


“Sasuke!!! Why are you showing off this exquisite piece of ass to the whole world??!” Naruto quickly pulled open his jacket to cover what was (self-proclaimed) his. 


“I don’t have a choice dobe, he’s bind me in some jutsu. I can’t move a muscle,” Sasuke claimed exasperatedly. He was tired from being in the same position in over that 4 hours. He needed movement soon or he’s gonna think that nudity is normal.


“I’ll have you free in no time brother,” Itachi had been examining this Sai since he entered, and Tsunade was right! This thing did look a bit like his brother.  He was also definitely more gay, judging from the way he was dressed.


“But I was about to practice this on Sasuke-kun,” Sai held up a book, which caught the attention of all males present, each with a different thought. It was Icha Icha Paradise : Yaoi techniques.


Naruto : Hell no.


Sasuke : …….


Itachi : he is so damn gay.


But nonetheless, Itachi decided that he was to abide by his promise. And indeed, in no time, he had freed his adorable naked little brother.


By kissing the daylights out of Sai. 


Naruto didn’t need to be told that this was the golden moment in which he should escape.


And thus he did.


“That was scary!!” Naruto shivered visibly for his encounter with Sai and Itachi kissing. Damn that was gross. Sasuke was trying to hold the cloth in place so that no one (everyone was gathered there) gets a free show. His struggle only spurred more attention; drools already slipping pass open jaws. Naruto, in the other hand, had just noticed why there was malicious intent in the air.


“You perverted –beep- holes! Stop looking at my Sasuke!” Naruto lashed out with kage bunshins to prevent other people from peeking. Those dumb –beep-! go find their own Uchiha to ogle!


“Let’s go home, Sasuke,” Naruto huffed, after making sure that the cloth was secured around his Sasuke's waist. Sasuke nodded intent in getting into a decent pair of clothes.


As they made their way back, both failed to notice a pair of eyes following their every move, its crimson irises dilated in determination…


And yes, Itachi is still going at it with Sai.



No 8 : The unexpected

Sasuke blinked innocently. The next costumer was nothing short of surprising. Obviously Naruto had been knock off his title somehow cause it sure as hell surprised Sasuke to be here, serving this person, who was mentioned more briefly than Iruka in the anime + manga. And Iruka was damn brief.


And by the looks on the other guys, they were surprised as hell too.


“Why are all of us summoned here?” Itachi was the one to break the ice. Everyone’s tension was beginning to take its toll on him. Plus, he couldn’t stand seeing his adorable little brother in innocent mode any longer.


Neji and Gaara were seated a little further from the others. Neji had brought some tea that his cousin Hinata had prepared, as a gift to congratulate them in their blessed joining. Hiashi had been adamant that they were married before they had *beep* and Gaara had not been happy. He poured some for his (now official) boyfriend, who didn’t think it was worth it to have a fit right now. They’ll find out in time.


“…” Shino remained undisturbed. He actually could guess what was going on. He heard it some time ago when they were training in the forest. 


What his sensei had always dreamed to do.


Yes, they were bought by Yuuhi Kurenai. One of the most beautiful kunoichi ever aired in the series. Who ever thought she was damn rich?! Sure she doesn’t blow them on cigarettes (Asuma) or useless porn novels (Kakashi), but they must have caused her a fortune! She even booked them for the whole day. She must be planning something pretty big. 


“Well, as you now, my student Hinata –chan’s birthday is today. So I plan to give her something nice at the party,” the others gulped. She wouldn’t make them strip dancing would she?! That’s illegal!


“I want a host club themed party!” Kurenai smiled so innocently that they almost believed there was no malicious intent.


“So you guys serve us good and maybe,” Us?! The whole rookie nine? The whole of Konoha??! They are sooo doomed.


“Maybe there will be no need for punishment,” her red eyes flashed, malevolent. Everyone shivered.


“Ne, ne, too bad the guys had to work today. I bet Hinata-chan wished at least Neji would be at her birthday. Maybe we could buy him for a while…” Naruto pondered. But he had no money! It would be nice to get that as a birthday present for her though.


“Oh, don’t worry about that Naruto. I’m sure Kurenai sensei has thought of something about that detail,” Ten Ten answered. The girls paused in their decorating and giggled spontaneously. Leaving Lee, Kiba, Naruto, Shikamaru and Chouji to wonder by themselves. But when all girls were daydreaming and then drool starts falling, they shuddered, not wanting to know what they had in store.


They finished up with the preparations and went home to clean themselves. When everyone gathered back together, the boys were a bit suspicious. Why were the girls looking extra pretty today? Evev Ten Ten had permed her hair! Sakura and Ino were furiously powdering away, leaving the boys to eat their powder dust. Was there a special guest that the boys did not know about?


“Hey ya!”


“Kankurou! Temari??!” the gang greeted their sand allies, catching up abut their progress. Kuranai arrived later with Hinata and their jounin teachers, and everyone went inside to celebrate Hinata.


The food table was littered with main dishes and desserts, as well a gigantic cake in the middle. Beside it stood a table just for presents, and it doesn’t look like it could hold anymore. Presents were falling off the table; they had to bring in another one for additional gifts later on.

While the guests were having drinks and chatting away, Kurenai made her way to the stage, tapping on the microphone. Everyone’s attention focused on her, and immediately the girls were giggling.


“I have a special treat for our Hinata-chan,” she gestured for the curtains to be pulled up, and drum rolls were heard. The audience waited in baited breath. The girls cheering, the guys sweat-dropping, the teachers chuckling to each other.


“Happy birthday Hinata-chan~” with that the stage was illuminated, and everyone had nosebleeds. The five were dressed as bartenders, but their shirts were unbuttoned. The girls were screaming their heads off, only Temari maintained looking impassive. But she had to admit, those Uchiha brothers sure look hot.


“As birthday girl, Hinata-chan gets to pick the first one to be her personal host, as well as for the girls table,” the girls squealed, welcoming the idea of a handsome Neji at their table. They looked expectantly at Hinata, eyes flashing with stars.


Hinata smiled knowingly. She knew what the girls were thinking, but she had a plan of her own. She stood and pointed at the person she wanted to serve her tonight. Everybody gasped, but Naruto gasped the loudest.


For Hinata had picked, Uchiha Sasuke.


Needless to say, Neji was surprised at this turn of events. He was pretty sure that his cousin would pick him (and curse his luck then, having to serve those girls. Gaara will never let him live another day!) but instead she choose Sasuke. He was pretty sure there was a reason for it (apart from the general population of that table simply wanted Sasuke as their host) and he wished her all the best in what ever she wanted. Itachi was placed at the teachers table and had immediatle pulled out his album, making the table gasp, as well as “oohhhss” and “awwss”. Shino was pulled to the guys table, and they were chatting excitedly about his job. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. Everyone except Uzumaki Naruto. He was glaring for some reason, and as Neji turned to look at what Naruto was glaring at, he understood. He smirked in understanding. Naruto was glaring at Hinata, for having Sasuke’s attention. He and Gaara however, were on serving duty, and circulated the parameters serving drinks. Which was fine with him, if he keep getting pats on the butt as encouragement from Gaara.


The girls watched in apprehension as Sasuke made his way to their table. They didn’t know what Hinata’s plan was, but they were liking it already. The Uchiha was looking absolutely delicious, and as the light shined on his bare chest, his etherealness was even more mesmerizing. It feels as if they were having dizzy spells.








“Ino, Sakura,”


“Hai, Sasuke,”


“Ten Ten,”






“I hope y-y-you don’t mind me bringing you here. I’m s-s-sure you want to sit somewhere else,” Hinata stuttered. Sasuke shrugged non-cholantly and made his way to sit at the far end of the table, near Temari.


“It’s fine, Hinata-san. I am just as equally happy to be of service,” cue fangirl squeal.


“B-b-but you will be more happy to know t-t-that I called you here for your o-o-own good,” Hinata was getting bolder now. The girls eyed each other. Did Hinata has something in mind other than ogling the gorgeous Uchiha?




“I’m going to make Naruto jealous,”

From the guy’s tables, Shino was busy showing all the treats he got from his jobs. It seems that all his customers are satisfied and gave him generous tips, ranging from food to clothes to weaponry. While the guys were having a great time talking about his experience, Naruto was busy frowning to himself.


Stupid girls, taking away my teme. I was gonna call him here!


Excited squeals from the girls table alerted everyone in the room. The adults table stayed ignorant (Sasuke’s naked picture was more attractive) but the guys table quicly snapped their attention to the scene of the crime. 


Uchiha Sasuke was being glomped alive. Needless to say, Naruto was one second away from calling Kyuubi and blaming it on the alcohol later.

“Yes, now that you know I like that dobe, will you please get off me,” Sasuke tried futilely to chase away the girls. They were cutting his air circulation.


“But Sasuke-kun, that’s the cutest thing I’ve heard! I’m happy for you,” Sakura was beaming. This was her Yaoi Dream Come True®! Ino nodded her head in agreement. She won 100 bucks from Shika! She knew that Sasuke was gay.


“Y-y-yes, we are all happy for you,” Hinata nodded and Ten Ten agreed.  Temari smiled knowingly.


“Come on girls, flirt like crazy! Then Naruto will be damn jealous that we’re touching his bastard,” Sakura reported, mocking Naruto’s way of saying ‘bastard’


“Hn, as if the dobe will be affected,”


“Oh, please Sasuke, EVERYbody knows Naruto is in love with you,” Ten Ten rolled her eyes.


“Yeah, have you heard his conversations with Iruka regarding his shirt selections?” Temari chipped in. 


“Iruka, does this shirt make me look good?”


“Iruka, will this shirt make Sasuke like me?”


“Iruka, can Sasuke see my nipples through this shirt?”

The whole conversation carried out in what each individual girl thought was a good impersonation of Naruto. Even Hinata threw in some good dialogue.


“I-i-Iruka, i-i-is this shirt easy to rip?” then everyone laughed while Sasuke smirked at the childish display of his friends. They chatted for a while, and the girls occasionally glomped Sasuke just for fun, earning the table heated glares from a certain Kyuubi-bearer. Sasuke decided to pull out the big guns and proceeded to telling just that to his tablemates.

Why is Sasuke whispering?  


Naruto tapped onto Kyuubi’s hearing to eavesdrop on their conversation but unfortunately Kyuubi stopped him from doing so. Kyuubi had guessed what the Uchiha was up to from the beginning seeing that Uchiha keeps sending meaningful stares at his host. It perplexed Naruto that Sasuke was showing that much emotion.


He’s supposed to do that to me only! Whined the petulant dobe, pouting his full lips. Sasuke gulped at the cute gesture, watching the dobe from the corners of his eyes. He needed to act quick. Or he’s gonna pounce on the dobe there and then. He stood up, bowed to Hinata, whom blushed for dramatic effect. Naruto seethed at the display (which looked romantic to him)


“Attention everyone, I would like to dedicate a song to my only one, and this song is for Hinata as a birthday gift,” 


“WHATT??!!” Naruto indignant shriek was swallowed amongst the catcalls and whistles, but not missed by the girls’ table. Hinata giggled to herself, making Naruto jealous was sure fun!


The music played and Sasuke tapped his feet to the beat. The crowd quieted down, and swayed with the music.


No matter how much you wait,
I can't be by your side (while you're) crying like a fool.


Naruto stood still. Was Sasuke dedicating this song to Hinata?! What does it mean? Did they have a history together??!

Why are you waiting,
why can't you know I only give you scars?
I'm telling you to leave.


Does this mean that they were forbid to be with each other? Sasuke kept singing the song with closed eyes, opening them from time to time to look at Hinata. Eyes closed again. The girls swooned at his low velvety voice. This song was the perfect song to tell what he felt right now. Itachi was had quickly taken out his iPOD to record sasuke’s singing. This was going to be his lullaby when he’s out hunting that Kyuubi-brat.


I miss you. I miss you.
Enough to hate myself for being this way.
I want to cry, kneeling down to you,
if everything that happened can be erased.


The pain was too much to bear. Naruto clutched his heart. The mere thought that Sasuke was singing something so meaningful for someone else. It…

Even if the memories of being madly in love,
the reminiscences, reach out for you,
I can no longer confine you with the excuse of love.
Although I shouldn't be this way,
I miss you to death.


It hurts so much. 


Everyone else was busy listening to Sasuke’s singing to notice Kyuubi’s chakra seeping out into the open. Sasuke snapped his eyes opened as he sang the last chorus. Naruto was losing it! He looked intently at Naruto while singing his heart out.


I miss you. 




I miss you.



Enough to hate myself for being this way.
I want to believe this is the right path,
that I must leave for your sake.

I needed to be stronger. I need to protect you!


Even if the memories of being madly in love,
the reminiscences, reach out for you,

I miss you every night of my life.


I can no longer confine you with the excuse of love.
Although I shouldn't be this way,

I miss you to death.


I will come back to you! 


Hinata, who didn’t notice that Naruto was full of killing intent, rushed up the stage to kiss Sasuke thank you as the perfect finale. Sasuke was too busy watching Naruto to stop it from happening. What Sasuke knew was that Naruto should not be provoked any further. But the moment he noticed Hinata was on the stage, it was too late. She had reached out to cup his face, and her lips were just milimeters away. Naruto was watching with apprehension, should Sasuke wish for it, then he wanted nothing more than for his happiness. But instead he heard Sasuke said,




And that was all it took for Kyuubi to be unleashed.


3 days after that nobody dared to ask what happened to the elite ninja’s of Konoha. Most of them had multiple burns on their skins (except for Gaara and Neji, who had snuck out to pash. They managed to be untouched) and some even sustained memory loss. The girls were still in the hospital; Kyuubi had made sure they were knocked out cold for one week at least. The adults table managed to escape in the nick of time, but even with Gai’s quick reflexes he was burned badly. Everyone was sworn into secrecy due to the fact that Naruto was completely oblivious to it. He had no recollection of what happened and was under the impression that his friend were on this ultra mega super secret mission and was attacked by this mysterious super great ninja.


Sasuke was unharmed as well. Somehow Kyuubi’s chakra doesn’t seem to have any effect on him. Or Kyuubi’s chakra was not meant for him. Sasuke stared at Naruto while they were having lunch at Ichiraku. Had Kyuubi totally shut Naruto’s memory about the outburst? What was his intention? Sasuke prayed that Naruto was unhurt in this small misunderstanding. Emotionally, or physically. Cause something far worse than fangirls are coming his way.


Team Hebi is on the move. And they are coming to claim him back.


No 9 : The Snake


For a moment everyone was caught in shock, unsure of what to do. Konoha ninjas were on defence, kunais and swords at hand. Sakura tensed, waiting for an opportunity to attack.

Suigetsu calmly downed his drink. These idiots think they can get Sasuke? They’re dreaming.

“We will be taking Sasuke back now. I’m sure you had your fun torturing him,” Karin scoffed angrily. How dare they. The nerve of that busty woman making her Sasuke dresses up like some whore and acting on public!

“Where the hell is Naruto AND Itachi when we needed them?!!” Ino whined. Today was the last day that Tsunade had offered some of her ninjas up for sale. They were having a grand finale with Sasuke and Shino acting in a play, while Neji, Gaara and Itachi were given last minute jobs. The play was relatively straight forward. It was about two young men, on a journey through the ninja world looking for their purpose in life.

Sounds boring? I assure you, with two good looking guys as the main character, even granny soaps looked interesting. Thus the whole of Konoha was invited to this main event, with the exception of the other three sale items plus their respective buyers.

And one unfortunate Uzumaki Naruto, who was trapped doing chores for Iruka sensei that he, had long promised. Not in the prospect of procrastinating his on hold promise, Naruto made a short dash to help put away the test papers that the teacher had been grading safely away. He was not one to miss the main event. Sasuke was acting! Yay!

Back to the matter at hand, Sasuke was held captive by none other that Juugo, who was holding him like a maid in distress (or a sack of potatoes) slouched ever so graceful on his shoulder. Sasuke didn’t seem to be making such a fuss, he idly wondered if this is what Tsunade meant by turn of events. 

Shino looked on with no emotion. This wasn’t even in the script. But they never had one in the beginning. All they were given was a scrap paper with “ Two ninjas in the road to find purpose of life. Act it out” He should improvise then.

“Release my friend, rogue shinobi,” the audience were captivated by this sudden twist in the story.

“Shino, I can handle it myself,” Sasuke insisted. He tried to make his way off Juugo’s shoulder, but Juugo stopped him in the nick of time.

“Please, Sasuke. You should come with us. Karin will kill me if I let you down,” the last part was breathed out slowly, but it didn’t escape public ears.

“And besides, he would rather have real company, don’t you gorgeous?” Suigetsu added. He was aware of the on goings around him. He always wanted to try out acting. 

“We should go. I heard his brother is here as well,” Karin pushed up her glasses and nodded to the others.

“Halt! Not before you pass through us! Sasuke’s childhood buddies,” Kiba appeared on stage. Looks like its up to him to save the play. Shikamaru shrugged effortlessly and took on a stance. How bothersome.

“And his fellow female companions who did not have a crush on him!” Ten Ten rushed in too, scroll at hand. Sakura, Ino and Hinata joined in hastily, hoping to stall Hebi at least until Naruto gets here. Or Itachi.

“Then we shall fight, for the fair maiden’s hand!” Suigetsu was really getting in the mood now. He swung his sword, creating wind that pushed the audience backwards.

“That’s some awesome effect!”

“Oh my gosh! You think they will get Sasuke?”

“I want the bad guys to win!”

“Where is Naruto?” good question, where the ***** is Naruto?


“Iruka sensei, you meanie! You left me to stack exam papers while you watch the play, dattebayo~!” Naruto sniffled, making his way to the town centre. Iruka will pay in ramen!


The battle was fierce. It was an amazement how Juugo could fight while having Sasuke perched elegantly on his shoulder. Sasuke contemplated going with them. He still had a brother to kill, and he needed to find out about the rumors that the Uchiha massacre was not what it was thought up to be.

“Enough,” Sasuke commanded. Immediately the entire gang stopped fighting. Suigetsu and Karin leapt with Juugo to a nearby building. It was now that Naruto arrived, and saw that his Sasuke was kidnapped.

“Sasuke?! Yarou! Release him!!” Naruto geared up the Rasengan. The other rookie nine fell back, letting Naruto take centre stage.

“Naruto,” Sasuke’s calm voice made the future Hokage turned his head. Sasuke was having this pained expression on, like he was forced.

“Let us talk,” Sasuke turned his attention to Hebi, mouthing that he will be a while. Karin, Suigetsu and Juugo dispersed themselves, running off to avoid conflict. Sasuke made his way to Tsunade, bowing slightly to show his gratitude.

“Thank you Hokage-sama, for this opportunity,” To see Naruto. Tsunade raised a delicate eyebrow, and smirked.

“Oh no Uchiha. Thank YOU,” she snickered to herself. The money she had spent on the stupid bet was replaced, plus it was tripled than that amount. She decided to split the money in half and the other half would be used as spending money. Her spending money.

“Please tell my aniki that we will meet again,” Sasuke stated to the Akatsuki whom were watching the play within the shadows. Kisame put on a thumbs up sign, meaning that he will relay the message. With that Sasuke grabbed Naruto’s hand, and they disappeared together.


“Sasuke..What..?” Naruto was cut off when Sasuke hugged him fiercely, burying his head in the Kyuubi bearer’s neck.

“Listen, Naruto. Just hear me out,” Naruto nodded.

“I have to go. There are still things that I need to achieve. I have to clear these rumours that I heard,” Naruto struggled with all his heart.

“Teme! No!” Sasuke tightened his grip. He wasn’t finished.

“Naruto, I’m sorry I can’t stay with you,” A tear made its way down Naruto’s cheek. He knew it! And they didn’t even had a chance to have a proper chapter together in this damn fic!

“But thank you, for protecting me from the fangirls,” A kiss on the forehead. Naruto chose to keep his eyes closed. He wanted to savour Sasuke’s gift. 

“From Neji,” A kiss to the cheeks

“From Kakashi and Jiraiya,” to his jaw.

“From Sai,” to the neck

“From Hinata and the girls,” breath ghosting over his lips. More tears leaked down Naruto’s face. He grasped Sasuke’s shirt tighter, not wanting to let go.

“From my loneliness,” a short kiss to his quivering lips, and a whisper of “ I will come back to you,”.

And with that, Sasuke disappeared. Leaving Naruto with traces of his warmth.

And he will wait for Sasuke. 



“Shit! Where is that delusional Karin when she needs to see something!” Suigetsu muttered under his breath. He was resting on a branch when Sasuke made his way to his spot and proceeded to have a love declaration! Damn! He should have taped it and showed it to that bitch Karin. This will show her that SASUKE-KUN is not available. Hell, he’s not even straight! Oh well, at least he knows, and there will be plenty of time after this to torture her. Sasuke said he was returning back.

With that Suigetsu leapt away to rendezvous with the rest.


“Sasuke, we can wait if you ..” Juugo’s offer was cut short when Sasuke held his hand. Karin corrected her spectacles, and awaits Sasuke’s answer. Suigetsu watched from the corner of his eyes, and smirking to the thought of torture he’ll inflict on Karin.

“I need it to be over,” Then I can return to my dobe. Permanently.

“But first stop, making sure that Orochimaru ceases to exist, and bringing down the Akatsuki,” Hebi made their way on their quest, leaving no trail behind.


---The End---

And that's it for Stoics on Sale. It was pretty crack and my writing style was definitely not as developed as it was now. Like just reading it now, there were so many loopholes and ...haaa. But I didn't want to change it that much since at that time I really enjoyed this fic. It's one of my earliest and I hope you have a kick out of reading it too!