emily knew. from the very first moment she looked into those eyes, she knew she was a goner.
she would never let herself want for too long, though; jj had a family. emily would never ruin that for her. but the way she could make emily's whole day with a smile... it was driving her crazy.
she convinced herself more often than not that jj saw her as a friend. that all those comforting touches under the table were misinterpreted by her lovesick brain. the looks that seemed to be just for them, simply delusions of a touch starved woman in love.
emily didn't know how it got to this point. she swore it wouldn't progress farther than a crush, but now the smallest touch would send her reeling, the skin burning up immediately.
like many other nights, emily was lying awake thinking about jj. the blonde had been... distant lately. she was quieter. like something was bothering her. emily had tried to bring it up a few times but jj just brushed it off with a smile. she didn't wanna think about that. sometimes the brunette got nervous and assumed jj had found her out and didn't want anything to do with her.
emily gnawed on her lip and shot a glance at the phone on her dresser. before she could chicken out, she called the number she knew by heart.
one, two, the call connected on the third ring.
"hey gorgeous" she blurted out.
jj answered groggily from the other line, "hey yourself. what's up em?"
emily's throat was dry. god, this girl had such a hold on her. she swallowed. "did i wake you? i'm sorry i'll just go-"
"no no, babe, it's fine. is everything okay?"
there she went again. emily had started with the pet names, but instead of recoiling like she had expected, jj just smiled and went with it. maybe because she was used to it with garcia. they'd been going for months.
"couldn't sleep" she whispered.
there was silence on the other end for a moment. then, shuffling. "okay, hold on."
emily sat up fast, nearly making herself dizzy. "huh?"
"i'll be right there, give me 20 minutes."
"jay, you don't have to-"
"i want to."
true to her word, jj showed up almost exactly 20 minutes later. she lives at least 30 minutes away. emily opened the door and led her to her bedroom.
jj sat on the bed and patted the spot next to her "i'm not gonna bite."
emily laughed nervously and sat down. "is will with henry and michael?"
jj flinched at the mention of her boyfriend before relaxing and saying lightheartedly, "what, did you think i'd leave them alone?"
emily finally relaxed and replied, "no, i guess you're right. thanks for coming."
the blonde had a look in her eyes as she pulled emily down to sleep. "'course i would. can't have you losing sleep."
emily felt the butterflies in her stomach start to flap their wings at jj's words. it was stupid, but she liked being thought of.
as the two got comfortable on the bed, it didn't take long for jj to fall asleep in emily's arms. emily lightly brushed the hair out of her face and pressed a quick, soft kiss to her forehead before also falling asleep.
why do you always ask for so much? every time we give you something you ask for more. we didn't teach you to be so greedy. you can't have everything you want, you know? maybe you should stop wanting things at all. it's not like you deserve any of the stuff we give you.
emily woke up with a start, she would've sat up had she not remembered that there was a woman sleeping soundly in her arms. her breathing was erratic and there was something wet on her cheeks. oh. she was crying. it wasn't a nightmare. it was a memory.
she looked down at jj. once again, she started thinking. and wanting. she wanted jj to laugh at all of her bad jokes. she wanted jj to patch her up after cases gone wrong. she wanted jj to hold her at night. she wanted jj to think about her as much as she thought about jj. she wanted jj to light up at the simplest text the same way she did. she wanted jj to notice how much emily loved her. she wanted to do everything with jj, and she would do anything for her kids. she wanted jj to want her back. she wanted... jj. and everything that she was.
but then again, she'd always wanted more than she could have.
she tried wiping her tears as silently as she could, but soon, jj was shifting in her arms. the blonde adorably stretched and looked up at emily. she stopped moving as soon as she noticed emily's red eyes. immediately, she sat up, bringing the brunette with her. she held her face with both of her hands and asked, "hey, hey, what's wrong? are you okay?"
emily nodded and tried to smile but jj shook her head and said, "nuh uh. you're not getting out of this that easily. tell me what's up, babe?"
"please, stop." emily's voice broke. "i can't take it anymore."
jj leaned back slightly, but didn't drop her hands. "stop what?"
"this. it hurts too much." at that, jj did drop her hands. she put them in her lap and sat criss cross applesauce. "emily-"
"no. you have no clue. no idea how much i'm in love with you. you drive me crazy, and you don't even realize. i tried. i tried to hide it, i really did. i know you're happy with your family, and this isn't fair for you, and i'm sorry. i don't wanna hurt our friendship. you're-"
she was going to continue, but jj grabbed her flailing hands and held them with her own. "i broke up with will a few weeks ago."
emily sat in stunned silence. her mouth opened and closed until she could find the words. "you- you what?"
jj took a deep breath and said, "we broke up. i'm... in love with someone else."
she was looking at their joined hands the whole time, but emily loosened one of hers and brought it up to jj's chin, to make her look at her. "and, who is this someone else?"
jj leaned in and whispered, "how bout i show you?"
emily's eyes widened, but she didn't need to be told twice, so she closed the gap between them. the kiss was soft and sweet, and emily slowly felt all of her doubts disappear. this was all she had ever wanted, and now she had it. the feeling was so overpowering that she felt herself start to cry again.
of course, jj noticed, and she pulled back. that was the last thing emily wanted, which she made clear with a whine, but jj gave her a quick peck before saying teasingly, "i didn't even bite, what's got you crying?"
emily laughed lightly, "i just... i'm happy right now. wanting things has never turned out well for me, and up until 5 minutes ago, i thought the person i wanted most was in a happy relationship with someone who wasn't me. is this why you've been off the past few weeks?"
jj nodded. "mostly. he didn't take it well at first, and i can't really blame him. we'd been drifting for a while, but neither of us were ready to quit yet. then there was the matter of henry and michael. he took them out for the weekend, which is why i was able to leave so quickly yesterday."
emily remembered something, "yeah you got here really fast."
jj blushed, "i didn't wanna wait anymore."
now it was emily's turn to blush. "jj i was serious. when i said i love you and everything about you. i wanna be involved in your future and the kids' future too. i hope you'll let me do that."
the blonde tackled emily to the bed and peppered her face with kisses. "yes. yes, i would love that. thank you."
emily wrapped her arms around jj and closed her eyes in happiness. the butterflies she had felt earlier had long since taken flight. maybe letting herself want wasn't all that bad. maybe she'd learn to want more often.