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Catch a Tiger—

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Els wasn’t a main character. Wacky adventures didn’t fall into her lap like they did Legosi or Louis.

But sometimes, though most of their year was graduated at this point, it seemed like some of the utter insanity experienced by that weird wolf and weirder deer trickled down to the rest of their fellow Drama Club members.

One time, she managed to wrangle herself free dick for life after setting two of her friends up.

Preceding that were two events that were important to how that happened. The first of which was anime night.

When Els asked Bill what he’d been up to recently, Bill said, “I have no money so now me and Pina are sharing a Growlr premium account.”

This sounded like something worth paying attention to, so she paused the show they had been watching (another Patlabor episode) and turned to look at him with a look that said “What did you just say?”.

She and Bill met up weekly to hang out and shoot the shit—a tradition carried over from high school that they upheld with a near-religious sort of zeal. Friends forever and all that. Usually they went out for ice cream or real food but sometimes, when Els was feeling up to seeing him but literally no one else, and didn’t want to go outside, she would let him into her room and they would cuddle up to binge anime that was three decades old, at least. It was what qualified as a perfect night in for her. And it let Bill say whatever the hell he wanted, progressively, which meant that things always got a little weird.

But this wasn’t weird yet. It was just a little strange. Els raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean ‘sharing a Growlr account’?”

“Exactly what it sounds like,” Bill said. He smiled his stupid, bright Bill smile. “We just have both of our pictures on the same account and then whoever DMs us tells us which one she wants to hook up with.”

Els blinked. “ need money?”

“No!” Bill waved her off. “Especially not for something like Growlr premium.”

“And Pina lets you share accounts with him. Why?”

Bill took a moment to think. “ makes him look brave, or something, I think.”

“Brave?” Els repeated. “Oh, like the boy version of girl herbivores taking selfies with girl carnivores.”

“Boys do the selfie thing, too.”

“Not as much.”

“It should be mentioned.”

“Fair enough. But was I right?”

Bill nodded. “Girl herbivores—girlbivores—”

“Do not.”

“Girls,” Bill corrected himself, “like it when Pina’s next to a carnivore in photos. Shows them that he’s not afraid to put himself on equal standing with one of us.”

“That’s stupid,” said Els.

Bill shrugged. “It works for him.”

“And is it working for you?”

There was a moment, and then Bill shrugged again, looking away a little. “Yeah.”

“Really?” Els asked. “How many girls have hit you up?”

“That...doesn’t matter!” Bill snorted. “But because you asked, and because you’re my best friend, I’m going to tell you.”

“Isn’t Aoba your best friend?”

“I can have more than one. And speaking of ‘one’...” Bill let the word hang in the air. He began to blush.

“Hey,” Els said, “one is better than none, right? What was she?”


“Really?” Els grinned and slapped his shoulder. “That’s great! You like cats, don’t you?”

“Yeaaaaah,” Bill said, still not looking her in the eyes, “but there was kind of a, like, a thing. She didn’t want just me. She wanted Pina, too. She thought we were—” Bill stuck his tongue out. “She thought we were dating and she wanted to have a one night stand with the both of us.”

Els blushed. Dating multiple animals wasn’t an unheard of thing, or even a stigmatized thing like carnivore/herbivore relationships still were, but she had never come close to anything like that herself. Her friends were too boring. They were the minor characters in the Drama Club. Until now, apparently.

She found herself leaning forward a little bit, ears perked. “What did you do?”

“We fucked her, obviously.”

“Bill!” she chastised. It was okay to be a little crass, but...

Bill raised a teasing eyebrow at her. “What? We did. It was awesome. Have you ever hooked up with Shiira? Cheetahs have incredible flexibility.”

Els had once kissed Shiira during truth or dare at a sleepover back in senior year and then subsequently was fingered to a very satisfying, very memorable climax while everyone else was asleep. But Els, like many horned animals, was a filthy liar. “That’s interesting,” she said.

Then Bill’s expression fell a little, but he didn’t look sad or disgusted or anything overly negative. He simply looked lost. Like he was a tourist somewhere and didn’t know where his hotel was. He quietly said, “We kinda had to do something weird before she let us get to her.”

The image of two dicks rubbing against each other intruded on Els’s mind. She ignored it. “Weird? How do you mean?”

“She made us kiss.”

Els smiled. “Did you like it?”

Bill looked like she had just pulled a knife on him. “No!”

And then her smile gained a devilish spark.“Was Pina good? He must get a lot of practice. You got one request on Growlr which means he must have gotten everything else and—” She made a show of counting her fingers. “—that must mean he got everything else. What was everything else?”

Bill glared at her, lips at the beginning stages of peeling back to bare his fangs. “Seventy-five.”

“Holy shit.” Els clicked her tongue. “That’s—”

“That was just last week.”

Els fanned herself. She shouldn’t have expected any less from Pina! “How many did he take out?”


“Is he…” Els furrowed her brows. “Is he, you know, clean?”

“He gets tested every other week. I make sure of it.”

“That’s sweet.”

Bill glared at her. “Yes, he was good at kissing. It was disgusting.”

“Aw, you don’t mean that,” Els said with a wink. “I’ll bet he enjoyed himself, too.”

Bill rolled his eyes. He leaned back against the wall. “Have I become this desperate for sex? That I’m willing to kiss other guys for it?”

“Oh, I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.”

“It wasn’t but—” Bill clamped a hand over his mouth.

“But?” Els asked, mouth falling open. The image of two dicks rubbing against each other came back to her, and this time, she welcomed it. She was sure that it had just been a simple kiss up until now, but the way that Bill was looking—crossed arms and shifty eye movements and twitching, feverish ears—was telling her another story. “But what, Bill?”

“She—ugh—she made us stare at each other.”

“With your eyes,” Els clarified.

Bill looked confused. “What else do you stare with?”

Els coughed. “I don’t know. What’s wrong with looking at Pina? Plenty of people like looking at Pina. Nothing weird about that.”

“It wasn’t looking,” Bill said. “It was staring.”

“And the difference is…?”

“God, Els, are you serious?” Bill shook his head.


“You’ve never looked someone in the eyes before?”

“I’m looking at you right now!”

“Stared, though,” Bill said. His ears were going crazy now, like they were being actively messed with by ghosts. “Stared, Els. A full twenty seconds.”

Was he high? Els squinted at him. “Stare at me.”

Bill gasped, scooting away from her. His ears were now in overdrive, flopping every which way. “E-Els!”

“What’s the big deal?” Els asked. She crawled to him, regaining their previously closeness, and she put a hand on his shoulder. “Bill, hey, stare at me.”

And Bill, lips pressed together so hard that his mouth was quivering, turned to look at her so their eyes met, and sustained that contact.

It was perfectly ordinary for the first few seconds. Bill was Els’s friend, after all. Maybe even her best friend in the whole wide world. This big, stupid cat was someone who had her back for the rest of her life, and she knew that she could depend on him no matter what.

But something happened. A thought passed her by, and she didn’t know how, but she knew that it wasn’t entirely hers, or maybe it was, but it was coming from a place so deeply hidden within her own subconscious that she could barely recognize it as something of her own making. She thought about kissing him, and it wasn’t like she hadn’t before, but then she thought about going on dates with him, and coming home to him, and as soon as she felt the dainty weight of a wedding dress on her shoulder and heard the singing of church bells she forced herself to turn away.

“Too much,” she said.

“What did I tell you!”

Els waved her thoughts of matrimony away. She thought again about dicks.

“Did you, um, stay hard while you were looking at him?” she asked.

Bill gave her a weary glare.

Then there was the time they went to the mall.

She received a phone call at two in the morning a few weeks later: Bill.

“Why are you awake?” she asked when she answered.

“Cat,” he said, like that meant anything.

Els didn’t reply, but she made a motion with her fingers to tell him to keep going. He couldn’t see her, but she figured that maybe he’d get the idea anyway.

He did. “We get up in the middle of the night all restless sometimes and we need to run around to make it stop. I’m doing squats right now, as we speak.”

Els listened to the shaking in his breath. She hummed. “Right, right! I remember learning about that in Biology.”

“Wanna go to the mall tomorrow?”

“Just me and you? Can’t we watch anime?”

“Pina too. We go every—hh—every other week to catch up. It’ll be fun.”

“Why bring me along?”

“Because we haven’t hung out in forever.”

Els looked to the calendar on her wall and found the last time she had scheduled time for him. “We met up two weeks ago.”

“Two weeks too many!” Bill panted. “Mall? Yes or no.”

Els weighed her options. She had a paper due next week and was planning to go to the library in the morning, but that could always wait. She could get some good reading done, too, and actually get ahead of her classes instead of simply keeping afloat. One didn’t get a career in rocketry by not doing their school work.

But Bill was Bill. He was the guy who’d stand in front of her when jerks from other clubs would come and harass the Drama Club during that whole segregation mess. He was the guy who’d always try to make her smile, even when he was falling apart himself, and the guy who let her cry on him without making it weird back when they arrested Riz and she couldn’t stop thinking about Tem for a month straight, keeping quiet until he finally cornered her and asked if she was okay.

The choice was easy. “Yes,” she said. “I’ll see you tomorrow. What time?”

Bill grunted and then panted for a few seconds. “Sorry—was finishing a set. Noon in front of the coffee shop?”

“Which one?”

“The one.”

“There are three.”

“There are—what? Why does a single mall need five coffee shops?”

Els smiled. She loved when Bill asked questions. He always looked like a little kitten. She could see his face now. “Different coffees. There’s Blue Bird, which makes cute latte art and bakes the best pastries. There’s Civet Station...they have nice cold brew. And then you have three StarBucks locations.”

“That’s dumb but okay.”

“Good night, Bill.”

“Night—wait, wait!” Bill yelled, full of anxiousness, like he was interrogating her. “Why are you still awake? Go to sleep!”

“I like the night,” Els said. She turned to the window, which had a pretty decent view of the rest of the university. There were spatterings of other dorms whose lights were on, but between them were vast rows of darkness: a starry night sky lying on the ground. “It helps me think about things. And study.”

Bill huffed. “Well, go to sleep now. I don’t want you to be late.”

“Scared of you and Pina being alone?”

“No, I just don’t want to miss a second of you.”

And the way that he said it, so matter-of-fact and honest, made Els happier than just about anything else that had happened to her that month, and that was including aceing several tests that she put minimum effort into studying, finding five-hundred yen on the ground on her birthday, and thinking about the next two years of school without feeling an immense blanket of dread slip over her shoulders. She thumbed over the back of her phone affectionately, imagining that she was patting Bill on the head. “Good night, Bill. See you tomorrow.”

She wore what she always wore to the mall: jeans that sat high on her waist, red boots and a vintage anime t-shirt that was almost completely faded. She thought of Pina as she got dressed that morning, and how he was prettier than most of the girls she knew, and how when they had club activities together back in the day every girl in the club would put in a little more effort in how they were dressed. She thanked God that they weren’t in high school anymore, and she could look completely average whenever she wanted and not feel like she was being judged. She seldom was, back then, she could see that now, but her hormones hadn’t calmed down enough for her to listen to plain reason back then, either.

She saw Bill and Pina come in through the window at Blue Bird Coffee Shop, and there was a sway to their walk that she noticed almost immediately. The mall was busy, and they still stood out amongst everyone else walking around. There just...was an aura to them. She couldn’t explain it to anyone if she tried. If it had been any color it would have been a bright blue striped with gold.

Els noticed their outfits first. Today, she was all about appearances. Bill wore a denim jacket, a simple t-shirt underneath on top of slim black jeans that made his legs look twice as muscular. Pina was in a white dress with a silvery sweater vest over his chest. The two males walked side by side, and from the looks of things Bill was trying really hard not to break down and start yelling at Pina in public. He had an annoyed, twitching grimace on his face—a contrast to Pina’s easygoing, effortlessly beautiful smirk.

They walked completely in sync. A group of kids ran by, cutting in front of them, and with a slight wonder Els watched how as soon as Bill stopped moving, Pina did as well, and in perfect sync they started back up again, towards the coffee shop she was sitting at. It was like they were in their own little world.

Els laughed to herself. She knew that Bill and Pina had kept in touch, but she never truly realized how close they had become until then.

“Senpai!” Pina said as they approached her. Els hopped up and gave him a hug.

“Looking at you makes me feel old,” she said.

“I mean, you are pretty old now, huh?” Pina asked.

She squeezed him hard, until she heard the beginnings of a sigh of pain from him, and then let go, a smile still plastered on her face. “Where do you guys wanna go today?”

Bill cut in, pupils wide. “I need new shirts!”

So over to the nearest clothing shop that Pina approved of they went.

Els ended up wandering off to the girls’ section, accompanied by Pina, who was looking for a nice cropped hoodie. This allowed the two of them to catch up on things. Pina was in his last year at Cherryton and doing well, and though he and Els had never been too close, she was glad to hear about it. He was thinking of moving overseas after graduation for school, but was undecided. “I get homesick easily,” he said with a laugh.

“What’s waiting overseas?” Els asked.

“Don’t know. Whatever there is overseas.”


“Have you ever had a deep fried Oreo?”

Els pictured an oreo covered in fried chicken batter, and made a face. “No.”

Pina licked his lips. “They’re good. And no one wants to make them here because everyone thinks they’re disgusting.”

“They sound pretty fucking disgusting,” Els said, and to Pina’s shocked face in response she asked, “What?”

“Never took you for the swearing type of girl,” he remarked, turning to look through a few racks of clothes.

Els smiled and said, “Fuck you.”

“Me?” Pina put a hand on his chest. “I’d be honored.”

“Bill’s wearing off on me,” sighed Els. Nothing in this section was interesting her. “Even though he hates it when I swear.”

“I think it’s cool,” Pina said. His tail swayed, brushing against her wrist for a second before coming back to him. “Girls who say their honest feelings are the prettiest.”

Els raised an eyebrow at him. “Are you really hitting on me right now?”

“Not seriously,” Pina said with a wink. Sparkles surrounded him suddenly, and then dissipated. Els made a mental note to book a session with the school counselor. “If I was trying to get with you,” Pina said, “I don’t doubt that we’d already be out of here. You haven’t gotten any in a while, have you?”

Els’s eye twitched. “Pina, I think I’m going to kill you.”

Pina smiled. “I’m just kidding, senpai. If I had to guess seriously, I’d say you’re doing fine. Hordes of males tripping over themselves to get with the Els of Cherryton Academy.”

Els acted before she could think—grabbing the nearest item of clothing and throwing it right at his face. The resulting thwump sound from the impact made her heart feel full. Not that it was empty before.

She said, “I see now why Bill looked like his head was going to explode earlier.”

Pina laughed, pulling the thing she threw at him (she could see now that it was a hoodie, striped with pink and yellow) off of his face and he examined it. He beamed at her, and rays of sunlight seemed to shine down upon him. “This is the exact kind of hoodie that I was looking for, senpai! Thank you!”

Els, underlining her earlier mental note to see the school counselor several times, couldn’t help but smile back. Pina really was beautiful, for how insanely infuriating he was.


“You’re cute. But you’re still an asshole,” she said.

“Asshole, fuck…” Pina lifted two of his fingers. “Anything else up your sleeve?”

Els put a finger to her chin. “Hmm, there’s bitch, motherfucker—”

“That doesn’t count,” said Pina.

Els scoffed. “Of course it does.”

“Fuck and motherfucker are both the same thing.”

“Fine, fine, what about pussy?”

Pina shrugged. “More of an insult than a swear.”

“What’s the difference?”

“Just, the vibe, you know?”

“I really don’t,” Els said. “What else? There’s uh, shit. Shit! That’s one. Fuckstain—”

“Doesn’t count.”

“Shit,” Els said. She put a hand on her hip. “Bitch—no, I said that. There’s cunt, too.”

Pina made a disgusted face.

Els asked, “What’s wrong with cunt?”

“That’s too much.”

“You said swearing was hot,” Els said.

“I said honest girls are pretty. Girls who say...that...are…” He waved his hand.

Els crossed her arms. “I can say ‘cunt’ if I want to.”

“You can do anything you want, senpai,” Pina said. “Anything else you can think of?”

“Does bastard count?” Els asked, continuing after getting an affirmative nod from Pina. “Okay, there’s cocksucker, prick, twat, m—”

Bill’s voice coming out from behind her cut through whatever she was in the middle of saying. “What the hell is wrong with you two?!”

Pina suddenly noticed something, and then began to chortle, his eyes nearly out of his eyes as he doubled over in glee.

Els turned around.

Bill stood, several shirts curled on his arm, a vividly embarrassed, confused expression on his face, like he had just caught his parents having sex.

And behind him was a small crowd of animals, all looking at her with various expressions of shock and terror.

Els felt her face burn up. She chuckled nervously, and then turned around and ran out of the store.

The boys met her by a water fountain near the food court, carrying several bags of clothes with them. Bill was stony-faced, ignoring how Pina wrapped an arm around his and tugged, pulling them close as he said, “Senpai, come on—senpai! I just wanted to see what kind of swear words Els-senpai knew! I couldn’t have known she’d be so vulgar, could I? Come on,” Pina whined. “Let’s get food, senpai. You’ll feel better after we get you some fried tofu. Tell him, Els.”

Els went to tell him to shove his horns up his own ass when he looked to her for support, but something in Pina’s teasing, whip-smart face made her stop. The word ‘pleading’ came to her mind, but that couldn’t be, could it?

“Tofu sounds nice,” she said.

Bill rolled his eyes, but didn’t fight either of them. They went to the food court and bought some food. There was fried tofu for Bill and Els, a salad for Pina, and iced coffee for all.

“So what did you end up buying?” Els asked.

Bill grumbled out an answer, but it just came out as gibberish.

“What?” Els asked again.

“You’d know if you hadn’t ditched me to hang out with Pina…” Bill said, a little louder this time.

“Don’t be a baby,” Els said. She put a piece of fried tofu in her mouth. He did the same.

“I got shirts,” said Bill.


“What other kind are there?”

“T-shirts,” said Els. “You know, the shirts that you wear all the time?”

“There are t-shirts but if someone just says ‘shirts’ then they mean button-down,” said Bill, pointing his fork at her.

“I don’t think that’s true,” Els said. “That’s like saying when someone says ‘snacks’ they only mean something you buy from a convenience store.”

“The hell else would they mean?” asked Bill. He ate another piece of fried tofu.

Els opted to take a bite of her salad. Whoever made it went a little overboard with the dressing. Definitely not up her alley. “Fruit platters. Chips and guac. Cupcakes.”

“You can buy all of those at 7/11,” Bill pointed out.

“But you can make them yourself, too.”

It was here that Pina started stealing their food. He brought this weird, bright light that seemed to shine out from him wherever he went like he was an angel dipped in chrome, but Els had to admit he could be a sneaky little bitch when he wanted to be.

“You know what else you can make yourself?” Bill asked.

“What’s that?” Els asked.

Bill said, “Soap. But no one actually does that.”

“I have at least three friends who make their own soap,” Els said. This was a lie—Juno was the only person she’d ever known who’d made soap and as far as she knew it was just a one-time thing.

Pina took a piece of her fried tofu. She wouldn’t have noticed if it weren’t for the sudden influx of cotton candy in her nose—traces of his perfume. She saw his fingers withdraw from her plate. She ignored him.

“You know what else you can make yourself?” Bill asked.

“What?” asked Els.

“Dresses. But no one actually does that.”

“Plenty of girls sew their own clothes,” said Els. This wasn’t exactly a lie either but she never actually met anyone who was good at sewing other than herself, and she hated sewing. She wasn’t sure why she was taking the opposing narrative here but it felt like the right thing to do. Just on behalf of the people who did do the things that Bill said that they didn’t do.

“Yeah?” Bill asked. “Who?”

Pina took a piece of Bill’s tofu this time. Bill didn’t even blink, and Els would’ve assumed that he hadn’t noticed if it weren’t for a tiny little flick of one of his ears.

“Shiira,” said Els. God, Shiira was hot. God, Els was lonely. Why was she feeling lonely? She glanced at Pina, how he ate Bill’s tofu like it was made of gold. She thought that the tofu tasted good but it wasn’t that good. Maybe sheep had different taste buds from goats. She never really truly understood the differences.

“Shiira does not sew,” Bill said. “She buys her clothes from designer boutiques. She literally refuses to wear anything that isn’t more than a million yen.”

“That’s not true,” said Els. “She wears the god awful blouses that Peach buys for her.”

“Oh, I heard about that, are they dating yet?”

“I don’t know,” Els said. They probably were. It wouldn’t be wrong to say yes but it didn’t feel quite right to say yes, either.

Pina took another piece of tofu—from Bill’s plate again.

Bill’s hand grabbed his wrist, fast as Els could blink. He turned to the ram. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“I don’t like the salad,” said Pina. “Too much dressing.”

“That’s exactly what I was thinking,” said Els.

“Return it or throw it away,” Bill said. “I let you have the first piece because I was talking to my good friend Els. A second piece is one more piece too many.”

“Senpai,” Pina said—purred, more like. “I let you share my Growlr premium account and—oh! Els—”

“I’ve heard about it,” said Els.

“She’s heard about it,” said Bill. “Paws off my tofu.”

“One more piece?” Pina asked.

“No,” Bill said.

“Please?” Pina asked—begged, more like. “I let you share my Growlr premium account.”

“You said that and I didn’t respond to it because I don’t care,” Bill said.

Pina looked put out for a moment, and then a flash of inspiration came over him. He said, “I’ll pay you.”

“Why not just buy your own tofu at that point?” Els asked.

Pina held up a finger to shush her. Els resisted the urge to lean forward and chomp it off.

“I’ll pay you in compliments,” said Pina—whispered huskily, more like.

Els blushed. Suddenly it was like she was intruding on something she shouldn’t have been. Such was the power of Pina.

Bill seemed unaffected though. He looked Pina dead in the eye and said, “Absolutely not.”

“You’re the best drama club leader ever. Much better than Juno.”

“I know that. She knows that,” Bill said. Then he added, “Don’t tell her I said that. She’s doing great.”

“She is doing great. I won’t tell her you said you were better if you let me have your tofu.” said Pina. When Bill shook his head, he said, “you actually deserve more hits on Growlr. The only reason why it’s all me is because I’m the first picture that people see when they look at our profile.”

“That’s true,” said Bill. Els noticed that his pupils were wide. Round like buttons. His tail wiggled, too. Like it did when he played video games.

Pina put two fingers to his lips and gained a contemplative look to his face. “Hmm…oh!” He brightened up, and with exaggerated, momentous effort he placed a hand on Bill’s shoulder.

Bill sneered, but made no effort to push it off.

“On this day, at this moment, Bill, the Bengal Tiger,” Pina announced. “I think that you actually look better than me.”

Bill smiled. Els watched Pina; he looked sick. Like he was fighting to not vomit. She was surprised Bill still had the guts to sit in front of him like that.

She was even further surprised when Bill slid his place of tofu over to Pina’s side of the table, and his smile widened as Pina thanked him and began to eat.

Bill then turned to Els, spirits higher than he had left the clothes shop with. “Where were we? Shiira and Peach?”

“Y-yeah,” Els said. “It’s a little weird. They’re—” Pina hummed suddenly, and muttered through a full mouth that the tofu was truly the best he had ever eaten. Bill chastised him quickly before looking back to Els, and she went to finish her sentence. Her brows furrowed. “They’re dating but they’re not dating.”

They decided to go to a park. There was one nearby, a comfy one that not many people walked through, so it had a decent amount of privacy and it had benches that were big enough to fit the three of them. It was perfect. They found a bench and had been sitting on it in comfortable quiet for something like five minutes before Pina opened his beautiful mouth and said, “Speaking of dating…”

“No one was talking about that,” said Bill.

“Literally no one,” Els added. “We’ve been silently looking at memes on InstaRam.”

Pina looked confused. “Weren’t we—” He stopped. “Oh. I was imagining this whole conversation between us three in my head and then I forgot that it didn’t actually happen.”

“What were we talking about?” Bill asked. He took a sip of his iced coffee. Pina and Els chugged theirs back at the food court once they had finished with their tofu and thrown out the salads, but Bill refused. “I need to squeeze my money’s worth out of this thing,” he said. “Not everyone’s a rich herbivore with rich herbivore parents.” Which was factually true but in context completely ignored the fact that Bill’s parents weren’t doing so bad themselves. But Els was too lazy to point that out at the time.

“Els-senpai was talking about how she hasn’t gone on any dates in a while—”

“What is with you and my dating life today?” Els asked.

Pina tilted his head. “I like to pry. Anyway, you were talking about how you haven’t gone on a date in a while and then Bill said something like ‘oh wow, if only there was a cute single animal here’ and you immediately shut him down.”

“She wouldn’t,” Bill said. Then he looked at Els. “Would you?”

“Not immediately,” Els said. Bill’s eyes ran from hers, focusing on the ground in front of him as he processed.

Pina continued, “After that, Bill told you that he would take you on the best first date ever, and you asked him what it was, and he said something stupid like take you to B-Strike.”

“B-Strike is great!” Bill cried at the top of his lungs, and Els had to take a second to admire how he could go from downtrodden to completely indignant in a single second. “The feline corner is just scratching posts and artificial sun streaming through fake windows that you can nap in front of! It’s the perfect date!”

Pina looked to Els, whose face burned up a little. She considered the options. Ever since coming to university it felt like she hadn’t had more than six hours of sleep. And her fingers had no sharp nails like carnivores had, but she could headbutt things pretty well. She shrugged and said, “I think that sounds pretty fun, actually.”

Bill cheered and clapped her on the shoulder. “That’s my girl!”

Pina snorted. “Well, that’s where the conversation ended. And then I said ‘speaking of dating…’ and here we are.”

“And? What were you going to say?” Bill asked.

Pina said, “There’s one thing that’s always bugged me about you, senpai.”

Bill smirked. “Only one?”

“I didn’t say ‘only’ one,” Pina said, booping Bill on the nose and, in an impressive display of agility, drawing his hand back before it could get swiped away. “Whenever we talk about girls you go on and on about ‘stripes’ and ‘giant tits’ and ‘I wish there were more girls like Els’ but you’ve never really described your ideal girlfriend in a way that made any sense.”

“More girls like Els?” Els repeated.

“See?” Pina said. “Even Els-senpai doesn’t know what you mean.”

Bill frowned. “What, are we at a sleepover?”

“Hanging out in the daytime is just a sleepover without the sleep. Or the night,” Pina said. He smiled and rubbed Bill’s arm teasingly. “Come on, senpai. Who do you like?”

And before Bill could refuse again, Els said, “I wanna know too, now.”

“Really?” Bill asked. He sighed and crossed his arms. “Can’t we just talk about normal things?”

“This is normal,” said Pina. “What, do you want to be like Legosi-senpai and go on about what a carnivore’s sacred duty to herbivores is?”

“...No,” Bill said.

“Then…” Pina waved him on.

Bill threw his head back and groaned. “This is such a drag. Fine.” He scratched the back of his head as he thought of an answer, and after a few moments he had one: “An ideal me, she’d be like Els. Pretty and nice but not afraid to call me out on my shit. I like tall girls. I like...girls who aren’t scared of me. Some tiger girls hate being with tiger guys because of how aggressive we can get. I get it though. I like...girls who can surprise me. I hate it when they always look to me for what to do. I want someone who knows what she wants, you know? And, hmm, what else…I want a girl who’d stick by me no matter what. Even if I fucked up somehow.”

“You want what everyone else wants, then,” said Pina, stretching his arms out. “Such a boring answer, senpai. You could have just picked a cute, perfect anime character and said that you wanted her exactly.”

Bill’s eye twitched, and as Pina began to laugh he launched into a rant that Els was too busy thinking to hear.

She stayed in her mind for a little bit, obliging their offer to walk her home, and as Bill and Pina talked, she watched closely. She watched how Pina’s body leaned towards Bill whenever the two of them were engaged in conversation, how Bill’s mouth quirked up into half-second smiles every time Pina talked, how easily she could simply leave the two of them alone and neither would notice that she was gone until much, much later. Pina drove Bill crazy. Pina was pretty. Prettier than her, prettier than most girls. Pina...liked Bill, genuinely, in the same way that Els did, maybe even more. And the two of them made no sense together but somehow were making a hell of a lot of sense all of a sudden, and Els had to sit herself down (in her mind) and ask herself very seriously: was she going crazy?

They got to the front door of her dorm before she knew it.

“We should do this again, senpai!” Pina said, winking at her. “I’ll get Bill to text you the next time we hang out.”

“She’s busy with school, Pina,” Bill said, placing a hand on his head. Then he smiled at her. “He’s right, though. You need to come out more often. We can’t keep watching anime at your place.”

“Tell me what to do again,” Els said, smiling back half-heartedly. “I dare you.”

Bill chuckled, and he and Pina turned around.

Els’s heart pounded as they walked away from her. Should she…?

They were getting farther. They wouldn’t be able to hear her soon. Her head felt like it was going to explode.

She decided that she wasn’t crazy. She called, “Hey!”

Bill and Pina turned around. She held silent for a moment, waiting for something inside of herself to force her to say ‘nevermind’. But nothing ever did.

“Do you guys wanna come in?” Els asked, rubbing one of her elbows. “And uh, have sex with me?”

Bill and Pina exchanged glances. Pina looked at her quizzically. “What, at the same—”

“Yes at the same time,” said Els.

The concept of Bill finding someone who loved him was something that had been on Els’s mind in recent times. Very recent, in fact.

“It’s not fair,” Els said. This was before the mall. It was actually the same night as Bill telling her about the Growlr premium account. They started watching Patlabor again at some point, and Els said this at the tail end of another episode.

“What’s not fair?” Bill asked.

“The fact that you haven’t gotten any matches on Growlr in comparison to Pina. You need to get your own account.”

“Eh, at this point I’m too lazy,” Bill said. “Not like I’m looking for a girlfriend right now anyway.”

“You’re not?” Els asked.

“Hell no! Look at my life, Els. I’m doing good, but it’s busy. I have that desk job that Louis got me and my own place now, and I mean, I live with Aoba but it’s still mine, and I have him and you and Pina and sometimes Legosi to hang out with. I don’t want anyone messing with that! I only have time for one night stands. The kind that you get from Growlr. And besides,” Bill coughed. “I’m not really boyfriend material. It’s not just worth it right now.”

Els sputtered, “N-Not—boyf—Bill. You’re the best.”

“I’m awful,” Bill said, holding up a finger.

Els grabbed it and bent it back until he cried out, pulling it out of her grip. He nursed it tenderly and glared at her. “What was that for?!”

“You’re always—always! Just! Giving up on yourself based on shit that isn’t true!”

“Watch it!” Bill said.

“No!” Els yelled over him. Her hands clenched into fists. “I hate how the world works, you know that? I hate how everyone thinks that I’m supposed to be a certain way because I’m a girl, or a goat, or a herbivore. Or how you think you’re an obnoxious, loud douchebag just because you’re a tiger. Bill, you’re an obnoxious, loud douchebag because you’re you. And you’re sweet. And kind. And you know what?” Els reached forward, grabbing his cheeks and prying them apart, forcing him to smile. “You’re actually kind of cute when you relax and let yourself be all goofy.”

Fanks,” Bill said, voice warbled due to Els’s grip on his face.

“You’re going to find someone,” Els said. “If you can’t find someone, I’m not accepting any of my Growlr requests and it’s going to be your fault that I become a lonely old bug lady.”

“Bug ladies are hot,” Bill said. He smiled at her. “But okay. I guess I can look a little harder.”

“Thank you. God.”

“...Wanna go out?”


Bill looked horrified.

“You—” He swallowed. “What, you’re serious?”

“Yeah,” Els said, shrugging. She couldn’t help but blush, but she was sure of this. This was...okay, it wasn’t the only way. But it was a good one. For them and for her and for them (like the three of them). “Is there a problem?”

“But it’s…” Bill gestured to himself, then to Els. “It’s us. That doesn’t…?”

“I’m inviting you in, aren’t I?” Els asked.

“Don’t be rude, senpai,” Pina said, taking Els by the hand and walking her to the door. He winked at Bill. “The lady wants us to come in.”

Bill’s tail fluffed up. He followed in their footsteps, stiff in his posture.

And so they found themselves in the elevator, cramped up and beginning to sweat, and it was only natural that Els ask Pina to lift her up so she could breathe. She was just under their chests when she stood next to them, after all, and the air was stuffy. It smelled inexplicably like them.

He was surprisingly strong—or maybe she was light—but he lifted her easily, and that brought their faces close together.

“You know,” Pina said. “I don’t get to look at your eyes very much. I’ve always thought they were kinda plain looking, but up close—”

“Please God just shut up,” Els said, and then she kissed him.

Bill squeaked when she did, muttering something intelligible, but she only had so much time to focus on how he was reacting before she felt a hand behind her head and a warm, supple tongue enter her mouth.

Pina was good. She found herself moaning involuntarily as he kissed her, stroking the back of her neck as he did so, nearly melting in his hands.

“Guys,” Bill said.

Pina kept on kissing her. She let him. She reached up, grabbing his horns so she could pull him closer to her.

“Guys!” Bill said.

The elevator dinged. Els snapped out of her stupor.

Pina giggled. “You like that?”

“I did,” she panted. He carried her out of the elevator and put her down. She led him by the hand to the end of the hall, where her apartment was. Bill was already waiting for them, visibly flustered.

Els struggled with the keys for a moment before she finally opened the door, and then finally, finally, finally they were at her place.

It was a tight fit, but they made it work. Pina sat on the kitchen-space counter, Bill pulled up her desk chair, and she sat on the bed.

“So!” she said. “Sex.”

“Els…” Bill said, scratching at one of his ears that wouldn’t stop twitching. “Are you—are you sure you want to—”

“Don’t be a prude, senpai,” Pina cut in. He hopped off of the counter, one hand on his hips. “What do you want to do with us?”

Get you two to realize you’re perfect for each other, Els thought, and then her gaze drifted down and she thought, maybe I could suck your dicks, too.

“Pants off,” Els said.

Bill began to say her name again, and she turned to him with a defiant glare. “I want this,” she said. “I want both of you.”

There was no arguing from then on. Pina had sidled up to her in the time that she had taken to focus on Bill—sneaky bitch—and now he was crouching down and kissing her neck, one hand slithering up her chest to grope her left tit, another travelling down to stroke her leg. Els sighed into him, closing her eyes, and then he removed himself from her to stand up straight.

Pina grabbed her hand and guided it to his crotch.

She opened her eyes to see that his trousers were fully tented, cock straining against the fabric, and as Pina let go of her wrist she began to stroke and squeeze him. Els felt a haze slip over her like a hood. She knelt in front of him, letting him unzip and pull his dick out and press it to her lips, and she closed her eyes again as she took him into her mouth.

His head was slick with pre—salty and sweet at the same time. She took a deep breath as she let him deeper, and was greeted by a nose full of a light, heady musk that only served to make the haze she was in feel thicker.

“Hoo-oooly shit, senpai,” Pina groaned, “you’re really good at this.”

If she could talk, she would tell him, “I know.” But she couldn’t, so she simply moaned and swirled her tongue around him, earning herself another excited grunt from Pina.

She sat there for a few moments, bobbing her head up and down two thirds of his cock, listening closely to the sloppy sound of her lips slicking over him, to the soft groans that Pina was making, and to how Bill, in the corner was beginning to breathe heavy and (if her peripherals were seeing clearly) stroking himself through his pants.

“Can you take it all?” Pina asked.

Els nodded her head desperately, and then grabbed onto his hips as she pulled herself off of him until nothing but the head of his cock was in her mouth. She sat there, suckling on him for a few moments, before she steeled herself and forced herself to lurch forward and as he thrusted she could taste every inch of him as his entire dick slid into her mouth.

Tears welled in the corners of her eyes as he filled her, but she stayed steady, reaching around his hips to grab his ass, and right when she began to consider pulling off of him her nose touched his pelvis and Pina let out a loud, staggered moan.

“Yesssss,” he cried. “God, senpai.”

Her mouth was full of his cock. Her throat, too. She swallowed hard, squeezing him, and squeezed his ass.

Pina hissed. He pulled his cock out of her mouth and thrust it back in in one fluid movement, causing Els to make a loud, worrying choking sound. He appraised her quickly, but she looked up at him with permissive eyes, and then he pulled out of her and thrust back into her mouth again. He began to fuck her face properly, and through the feeling of his cock plunging down her throat Els could feel the haze around her become even thicker, and sticky and intoxicating.

What...was she doing again? There was a purpose here, something more than the taste of Pina’s dick, wasn’t there?

Eh, it probably didn’t matter.

Pina thrust in deep, cock touching the back of her throat, and he held her there, grinding into her muzzle as he panted and she hummed into him, eyes beginning to roll back as she moaned. He was right; it had been way too long since she had hooked up with anyone. For as long as she had remembered, she was the sweet, kind goat girl who was good at classes and friends with all. A virginal, pure thing that no boy or girl wanted to touch. And she was good at being that, but she wasn’t only that. And the way that Pina was grinding into her face, huffing and grunting...he knew exactly what she wanted. He was giving it to her fully.

Pina whined. “G-Gonna—”

“No you’re not,” came a low, snarling voice, halting all noise that either herbivore had been making.

Pina’s grip on Els’s head went slack, and as Els went to look at the source she felt a giant hand grip one of her horns. It pushed, forcing Pina’s cock out of her mouth with a loud pop! and it dragged her to her left, right into another cock and balls, both larger than Pina’s.

Els looked up at Bill, and saw an enigmatic desperation on his face, though it looked stoic and expressionless at first.

“Will you…?” he asked quietly. She nodded, speechless.

He stepped forward, planting a foot on the other side of her so that she was nestled tight underneath him. The hand that was gripping one of her horns pulled her upwards, grinding her face against his taint and balls, and she took a deep breath and the pure, unadulterated scent of him made her feel like she was gonna pass out.

She attempted to speak, but found that she couldn’t. How could she possibly? “B—unhhgh—”

Els opened her mouth and stuck out her tongue, licking one of Bill’s balls before she put it in her mouth proper and suckled gently. She snaked her hands up, gripping the base of his shaft with one and pressing the palm of the other against the head of his cock, pooling the steady drip of pre that he was making into it and slicking it down over the rest of him.

Above her, Bill growled incomprehensibly and thrusted into her hands, lifting his ball sack out of her mouth in the process.

Els caught her breath for a moment, stroking him a couple of times before she inched backwards a little, kneeling in front of him proper so she could guide his dick into her mouth and do her best to swallow it all in one go. She found that she couldn’t hilt him—her muzzle only went down two thirds of him—but if the resulting yowl from Bill was any indication, it was more than enough.

Then she felt hands on her tits—Pina’s hands—and as they groped her and reached underneath her shirt to undo her bra so he could play with her nipples as she sucked her best friend off for the first time in her life, she began to remember why was doing this.

Not quite yet, though.

She took Bill’s dick out of her mouth and turned to kiss Pina on the lips.

He didn’t think twice. Their tongues met, and they groaned into each other as he pinched both of her nipples.

God, Els was soaking. She glanced to the side, looking to Bill’s face. He was flushed, stroking his cock to the side of them making out.

She pulled away from Pina and stood up, stripping her clothes off with an ethereal amount of flow and speed, and she flopped onto her bed, completely naked, and looked to the two of them. “Who wants me first?” she asked.

Pina was on her in a second. He put an arm under her legs and supported her back and he hauled her on to the bed, dropping her unceremoniously. She didn’t care—couldn’t bring herself to, because then she was kissing Pina again, and he crawled on top of her and kissed her again, and again…

When he pulled away she whined, and Pina laughed softly. He gestured for Bill to come over while saying, “What, you’re not going to kiss Bill, too?”

Kiss Bill, thought Els. Kiss Bill. Kiss Bill. Kiss Bill.

It was like someone had slapped her in the face. Right! Right. She was trying to get Bill and Pina together.

By having sex with them? What an awful plan.

But no, it wasn’t, was it? Not exactly ‘awful’. Not by any standards. Because she knew the both of them, and there was no easy way that she could have brought it up in regular conversation without Bill straight up shutting her down or Pina making fun of her. Boys would be boys: stupid and trying so hard to make life difficult for themselves.

A few months after she graduated high school, Els found a boyfriend. He was a red deer, and he was really nice. Looking back on it, she was probably trying to find and date her own Louis-senpai. But Kevin (the boyfriend) wasn’t Louis in any respect. He was nice, very nice actually, but he had a habit of never telling her what he was feeling. He always swerved around telling her whenever he was having a bad day. And Els hated that. And he would avoid her attempts to discuss it with him, even when she brought it up directly, and she put up with it because she was lonely.

He only ever expressed himself truly and honestly when he was balls deep inside her.

That was a single boy, she knew. She knew that they weren’t all like that, and she didn’t need to bang everyone in order to get them to tell the truth. But she knew that doing this with Bill and Pina was just stupid enough to work. If she was lucky enough to keep her eye on the prize. Which was very hard when there were two beautiful boys tending to her very desperate needs.

Bill crossed the room in only a few strides. Pina got off of her so Els could shift to her side to meet him as he got to the bed, and as Bill crouched down, he smiled at her and she smiled back. God, she loved him. She threw her arms around his shoulders and smashed her lips against his.

He kissed much differently than Pina did. He was gentle and he was really clumsy. When his tongue darted forward to meet hers it kept slipping out and licking around the outside of her mouth instead of inside. But he was sweet, and he kissed exactly like she thought he would.

“Man that’s hot,” said Pina off to the side. “Probably a long time coming now, huh?”

Bill’s eyes, which were the only thing that Els could see, turned mischievous. So did hers. Something about kissing—it really put people on the same wavelength. She and Bill smiled in tandem, still pushing their mouths into each other so their teeth clacked together, and at the same time they pulled away and flipped Pina off.

“We’re just friends,” said Els.

“Friends who fuck,” Pina said.

“Friends who love each other,” said Bill.

“Can I have her first, senpai?” Pina asked. “You know, before you wreck her with that thing.

Bill grumbled. “It’s up to her.”

Pina crawled forward and planted a soft kiss against Els’ shoulder. “Els-senpai? Can I go first?”

Els turned, kissed him briefly. “You’ll owe me a favor.”

“Name it,” said Pina. They kissed again. Els reclined, and he brought himself on top of her again as she spread her legs wide. He rested his slender cock on the top of her pussy. Both were slick with fluids. Both were needy.

Els looked up at him, giving him her best lamb-eyes. “Two favors?”

“You’re pushing it, but okay.” Pina stuck his tongue out. “Name them.”

“First, I get to be on top.”

Pina snuck an arm under her neck and hooked a leg around hers, and he fell to his side, pulling her with him as he ended up on his back and she found herself straddling him. He looked up at her, smirking. “Next?”

“Next…” Els said. “Next is a surprise.”

She lifted herself up, and guided his cock past her entrance, and she dropped herself down, every single inch of him sliding into her at once until their hips met.

Pina’s hands shot up, clamping on Els’s hips and holding her in place as he held her there, hilted completely as he yelled out, “Oh—fffffuck, what the fuckoh shi—iht—”

Els would have matched his vulgarity, but she couldn’t make any noise, though her mouth was open and she arched her back, howling wordlessly to the ceiling. It was like every nerve in her body had been held to a stun gun. Her legs quivered, her arms were stiff, her tummy felt like it was going to explode and her breathing was slack and feverishly fast at the same time.

Pina thrusted up, grinding into her—he really liked doing that—as he groaned out. “Senpai, yes.”

Els was cumming. Her pussy was clenching and so was her stomach, and she curled forward and grabbed at Pina’s shoulders as wave after wave after wave after weave of pure, boundless good coursed through her, ravaging her whole as she squealing, and Pina held her on his bottomed out cock and grinned. At some point, Bill had climbed up onto the bed. She wasn’t sure how she had missed him but he was there and he was holding her, and she cried out into him. Her pussy was gushing, squirting, which it had never really done before but she must have been way more pent up than she thought, because before she knew what was happening she found herself completely limp on top of Pina, ears ringing as he kissed and licked her ear.

“That was so good, senpai,” Pina whispered. “You’re really cute, you know that?”

He punctuated the second sentence by pulling out of her halfway and slamming himself back in, making her back tense up like it was attached to a million strings all pulling in different directions.

“Can I keep going?” he asked.

“Give her a second, Pina,” said Bill.

“My ass,” muttered Els.

Pina blinked. “What?”

“Tell put it in my ass.”

There was a moment of silence.

“That’ll kill you,” Pina said.

“It won’t. There’s lube in my dresser.”

“Senpai,” Pina turned to Bill. “What do you think—oh. You already have the lube.”

“You okay Els?”

“Innn meee,” Els sang. Her head was feeling fuzzy.

“I’m not messing with you until you’re awake enough to sit up.”

Pina flexed his cock, making her jolt. “Come on. senpai. You can do it.”

Els giggled, nuzzling his neck. She placed her palms flat on the bed and pushed, but had no strength to sit up.

“You can do it,” said Pina, stroking her back.

Els repeated her attempt, and managed to pull herself up and straddle him proper. Pina’s cock twitched inside of her, making her jolt again, but she was beginning to feel her conscious mind return to her. She straightened up and looked back at Bill, face hot as she gnawed on her lip.

Bill growled lovingly. “‘Atta girl.”

He rushed forward kissing her on the lips twice and then he let her bring herself low, pressing her chest against Pina’s.

“Hold her, Pina,” said Bill. Els couldn’t see him.

Pina wrapped his arms around her and held her tight, cock throbbing inside of her as he rolled his hips forward, grinding them together. They grunted in unison.

Els felt a large hand on her ass. She kept herself still.

Bill’s hand gripped her asscheek and spread it, and he pressed the cock against her hole. It was already slick with lube.

Els would have preferred a little more preparation, but she trusted Bill not to take things too far.

“Ready?” Bill asked.

“Please, Bill,” Els bleated.

He pressed forward, and after a few painful prods he slipped in.

It hurt. But Els stayed calm. She held onto Pina tightly, crying out as Bill slid deeper into her, making her legs quiver and straighten, her toes curling and uncurling, her mind only able to focus on the overwhelming filled of getting both of her holes filled.

“Oh, Gooood, mmmm, Bill—fu—uh—ck—” Els groaned. She choked suddenly on her own saliva, and as she coughed roughly into Pina’s chest both of her partners groaned as well, for she was clenching like crazy and they were both really close already.

Eventually Bill’s hips met hers as he bottomed out, and they cried out again as Els realized this and then came again, not realizing it until she was screaming, her pussy gushing out fluid that ran down her thighs and dripped onto Pina below. They were a mass of moaning, feral pleasure, and before Els could yell out permission for Bill and Pina to start fucking her proper, they began on their own.

Pina’s cock withdrew first, pulling about two thirds of the way out before pounding back into her and repeating over, and over. Bill fucked much more chaotically. His hands gripped Els’s sides, just above where Pina was holding her hips, and the two of them held her in place as Bill made smaller, grinding thrusts interspersed with near full withdrawals, drawing his cock out of her until only his head was left before he slid in slowly, getting halfway before he thrust hard, slamming himself inside of her tight ass.

Pina kissed her and licked her lips and her neck, rasping filth into her ear, “God you’re so fucking, uhnh—fuck, Els, you’re the best lay I’ve, oh, shit, had in a while—gonna make you cum again—gonna get you to cum alllll over my dick again—you want that, senpai?”

And Els could only moan in the affirmative.

Bill was noisy as well, but he wasn’t talking. He was growling. Constantly. He was snarling and grunting as he grit his teeth, the cadence of his noises rising and falling like he was chomping on a piece of meat.

Els began to feel a warm, runny fluid drip down her back as Bill fucked her. She realized that it was drool. He was holding back his want—his need—to eat her.

Fuck, that was scary, but it was equally hot as well. She just hoped this still meant that he could understand that—

Oh. Right. She had a purpose to this. She shook her head, trying to get away from the potent ecstasy that was being shoved into her holes, over and over and—

She needed to time this right. She needed to—shit, shit, was she going to cum again?

Els yelled, and bit Pina’s ear, her pussy pulsing and the dicks in her throbbing. She couldn’t cum again. She’d definitely pass out. She had to hold on. She had to...she had to…

Els felt herself falling down the slope, but then she felt blunt nails dig into her hips.

Pina threw his head back, hilting her as he cried, “E-Els, I’m close! I—can’t hold it!”

“Fuck! No! Stop! Stop!” Els roared. She rolled her hips back, grinding against him as Bill halted his movement, and said, “Not yet.”

Pina’s eyes widened. He looked up at her, confused and glassy. “W-What is it? Are you okay?”

Bill tried to say her name—she knew because the tone of voice he was using was his usual, concerned “Els” voice—but it came out a garbled “EErhrrssh...”

“I’m fine,” said Els. “I just want to tell the both of you something.”

“Couldn’t you—mmph—have picked a better time for that?!” Pina grunted.

“This has to do with my second favor,” Els told him. “Can you hold it for a second?”

“I just yelled that I can’t, but I’ll try...” Pina huffed and rolled his eyes. “You’re gonna have to help Bill out.”

She then turned to look at Bill over her shoulder, in time for a glob of drool to land on her cheek. He looked crazed. His eyes were so slitted that he looked reptilian, and his teeth were fully bared. But there was a shine of sapience behind his monstrous appearance, and that was all she needed.

“Deep breaths,” she said. “In, out, in…” And as Els kept her eyes on him his jowls lowered, his snarl receding into a sober expression of desperation.

“Els,” he said. “What’s up?”

It was time. If this didn’t go right...well, it wouldn’t be for nothing. She’d have gotten some great sex out of it all. But that wasn’t everything she wanted. She wanted to sow a seed. “I just…” she cleared her throat. “I want you guys to make out while you cum in me.”

Bill tilted his head. He looked like she just asked him a math question.

Pina, on the other hand, laughed hard. Els turned to him—his face was flushed, still florid from the fuck trance they had just partaken in, but that old Pina brand of laughter was back in his eyes. “Is that all, senpai? You worried me for a second. I thought we broke you.”

“Why?” Bill asked.

Els couldn’t look at him. He’d figure her out. She stared at Pina, feeling her heart beat fast. “It’s just—I think that it could be good.”

“You don’t want to kiss me, senpai?” Pina asked. He shot Bill a smirk that faltered as soon as he saw something in Bill’s face. Els watched as Pina’s brows furrowed slightly. “Come on, senpai,” he said quietly. “Don’t you want to finish?”

Bill cock flexed, forcing a gasp out of Els.

“You want to kiss me?” he asked.

Pina’s mouth opened, then closed. Then he said, “Why not?”

“Don’t know, thought you weren’t gay,” said Bill.

At the word ‘gay’, his cock twitched again, and he ground hard into Els. Her eyes crossed as she let out a simpering groan, the kind that Pina would normally tease her for, but his eyes stayed past her, on Bill. “I’m not,” he said, his own dick throbbing inside of Els. “I just think that it could be funny.”

“Funny,” said Bill.

“Funny,” said Pina. “You know, like a good story to tell someone at a party.”

“You’re going to tell someone you made out with a male tiger at a party?”

Pina slid out of Els by an inch, and he thrust up and held himself there, pulsing inside of her like mad. He was close. She could feel it. “Dunno,” he said. “If it made sense in context.”

“More like cocktext,” said Bill. He grunted suddenly, doubling over. His chest lay flat against Els’s back, and she felt another orgasm come on as he started to slide out of her by the inches and thrust back in, subtly humping her.

“Nice one,” Pina said. He smiled up at Bill, and one of the hands that he was squeezing Els’s hips with reached up and around, and it brought Bill’s face close to his, until their noses were touching.

“Shall we?” Pina asked.

Bill growled back, teeth baring.

“I’ll take that as a y—”

Bill pressed his lips to Pina’s, and their mouths opened as Els watched as they made out, hungry and clumsy and so unbelievably wrong and right at the same time. They pulled out of her holes slightly, then slid back in, and as they began to fuck her proper again they groaned into each other’s mouths until Els was cumming again, her eyes rolling back and her ears ringing as every inch of her body felt like it was melting, and then they were cumming inside of her, shooting thick strands of jizz deep into her, and she was so hot and she could hardly breathe but she knew she was yelling, and her voice was getting lost in the animalistic song of Bill and Pina’s grunting, groaning kiss, and then she passed the fuck out.

Els woke in a sticky sweat. She was firmly sandwiched between Bill and Pina.

“Shit,” she muttered. She hadn’t meant to pass out during. Now she couldn’t suggest to them that they set up a date during pillow talk.

She looked to Bill, who was fast asleep. He looked like a little kitten, smiling and nuzzling the mattress, his claws unsheathing and sheathing again.

“Cute, isn’t he?” Pina asked.

Els jumped at his voice, making him giggle.

“Surprised?” he asked.

“Disappointed,” said Els.

“Was it me?” Pina tilted his head. “Couldn’t have been. I don’t know when the last time Bill did it was, but—”

“The sex was good,” Els interrupted, booping him on the nose. “I’m disappointed because now I can’t tell you two that you should date.”

“Oh?” Pina asked.

“Yeah, see, there it is,” Els scoffed. “Look, Bill likes you. He just doesn’t know it yet. I saw how you kissed each other. You two just need to open your minds and—”

“We’re going to Dairy Queen next week, senpai. On a date.”

“A—” Els shook her head. “You worked it out on your own?”

“Bill started it,” Pina said, glancing to him. “He said that it’s what you would’ve wanted.”

“He knows I’ve been thinking about him kissing boys?”

“He knows you’ve been wanting him to find someone to make him happy,” Pina said. He glanced away, sadness tinting his eyes. “I don’t know if I’m it, but...that’s the conclusion he came to. You too, apparently.”

Els went to place a hand on his cheek, but he brightened up before she could.

“Anyway!’ he said. “We’re going on a date. And that’s thanks to you, senpai. For better or for worse.”

“Where did you say you were going, again?” asked Els. “Dairy Queen? What is that?”

“You’ve never been to a Dairy Queen.” Pina said. Judgmentally.

Els glared. “What the hell is a Dairy Queen, Pina.”

“They’re an ice cream shop.”

“You’re surprised I haven’t been to a single ice cream shop out of the—I don’t know how many ice cream shops are in this city but there’re probably a whole fucking bunch.”

Pina scoffed. “They’re a chain.”

“Why don’t you just go to the mall again?”

“We always do that. I want to go somewhere special. You’re really out of practice on the dating thing, aren’t you?”

Els laughed the kind of laugh that you laughed before you strangled someone. “I’m going to scrub your jizz out of my holes.”

Pina smiled. “Okay! I’ll order us some food for after.”

Els got out of bed. She took a few steps towards the bathroom, but turned abruptly to look at Bill again.

He was still in the same position. Peaceful. Happy. Like how he should be.

She hoped that the date went well. She’d kill Pina if it didn’t.

“You’re sweet, senpai,” said Pina. “I don’t think anyone’s ever loved me as much as you’ve loved Bill. But you’re dripping cum onto your floor.”

Els looked down. She was.

“We’ll be here when you come back.”

“‘Kay,” she said. She went to the bathroom, this time getting to the door before Pina interrupted her again.

“Els?” Pina called.

Els nearly responded, but then realized that there was a breach of social cues that needed to be addressed. “Senpai,” she said to him.

“Els-senpai,” Pina said.

Then she smiled. “Okay. You can call me Els.”

“Els,” Pina repeated. “Hey, Els?”


“What do you even do at university?”

“Aerospace engineering.”


“Like, you know how people say ‘it’s not like it’s rocket science? Like that. I can’t say that about anything I do for school anymore because…it is rocket science.”

“Oh,” Pina said. After a moment, he said, “That’s amazing,” and was sincere.

Els laughed. “It is, isn’t it?”

She entered the bathroom, and as Bill began to snore so loud that she could hear it even with the door closed, she had a shower so warm and cozy that she nearly fell asleep twice.

And that’s how Els got herself free dick for the rest of her life, and in the process, brought two of her best friends together.

It was a good fucking time.