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Neinty-Nein Sendings

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Mama! It’s your little Sapphire! I miss you so much! Our ship smells like the ocean and also sweaty sailors. Fjord says hello and also thanks you for the feather you sent for his hat

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Oh my gosh, you saw him again already? I’m so happy, Caleb! Please tell him we miss him, and also did you make out yet??

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Hello to you tooooo, Veth! It’s your detective partner, solving the mystery of no bakeries on these stupid islands! Nobody gets the importance of baked—

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Kiri, it’s me, Jester! Reminding you that you are very sweet, and I miss you. I sent you some cupcakes and a new green cape!

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Shit! I messed this up! Fuck! Balls! Sorry, Yasha! It’s me! I was going to tell you about a dream, it was about Molly, shit

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Let’s try this again, oh shit, I already messed up—anyway in my dream, Molly drew The Moon, and he said my cards were full of—oh DAMMIT

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Anyway! So he said they were full of portent, and I said, what’s portent? And he said, the echo of fate, and I said I—

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Agghgh! I said, I don’t believe in fate, and he hugged me and said, Fate finds the brave. What does it mean? Love to Beau!

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Kingsley, it’s me, Jesterrrrr! I had this weird dream about Molly. Do you dream about him too? Or is asking that rude? Hi to Marius!

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Also, PS, Kingsley, that was Jester, which you already know I hope—even though you don’t remember being Molly. You don’t, still, do you?

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Caduceus! Come visit! I love the ship, but now we’re only the Mighty Two and we miss you. Also, we maybe need a better healer.

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Artie, you aren’t in Sprinkle, and you haven’t been all day. When I talk to him, he just looks at me and seems totally confused…

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Beau, oh my gosh, I just saw the best show where somebody actually swallowed a sword. Also, I carved a dick on a palm tree.

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I know it’s totally private, but you know I will be so happy for you and Essek, so you have to tell me when you—

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Shit! Anyway you have to tell me if you get rrrrromantic and I won’t tell anyone except Fjord, I swear on the Traveler. Miss you!

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Essek! I miss you so much. You have only messaged me once this week, and oh my gosh, I want to hear everything about Aeor—

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Also, I wish I could float like you—the waves are choppy today, that’s why my voice sounds—oh thit, I jutht bit my thongue—

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Yeza, don’t worry, Veth’s very professional. I’m sure she’s a great teacher for Luc with the new crossbow. (whispers) I’m glad the neighbor’s cat is okay!

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Lu-uc, it’s Jester! Please do not shoot any animals with your crossbow. Even if the cat is mean to you. Hug your mama for me!

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Artie! You missed so many things! An albatross pooped on Fjord, I saw seven whales, and this evening the clouds looked like pink fish scales.

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Kiri, how are you-uuuuu? It’s me Jester and I’m blue-uuuuu. I am drinking coconut milk and looking out at the ocean and it is blue too-ooooo!

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Oh my gosh, Veth, FINALLY I found a bakery! That’s the only thing I don’t like here, you get weevils in your flour, ewwww.

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(whispers) Pumat, hello, it’s Jester! Do you have any magical pirate hats on sale? I’m whispering because I want it to be a surprise for Fjord.

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So hi Papa, it’s meeee! Jester your wonderful daughter! And I am just thinking of you and not asking about your relationship. Love to Mama!

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Ha, Beau! I knew it was you because you called me cutie. Now you are probably making Yasha all jealous! How’s the expositing and stuff?

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Orly! I can’t find you—Fjord needs your help with the biggest rope. I forget what you call it—can you send someone? Thanks, byeeee!

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Oh my God, Essek, I’m so happy Frumpkin came back! I can’t believe Caleb didn’t tell me, but of course, he’s SO quiet, right? But—

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—he did tell me what time it was, and the weather, and that he misses you. Also, he likes when you wear capes! Okay, so he didn’t tell me I just know because wow the last time you wore one, oh shit

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—he didn’t say that, I just know because I saw his face when you wore one, you hot boy. I miss you. Also, you pooping?

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Beau, you got my cupcakes? They had little flowers for Yasha. Black moss flavored! I got three dozen for the ship with dicks on them.

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Dear Ickythong, we’re all having cupcakes, so many delicious cupcakes! And you’re still in prison because you’re an evil asshole doot doot doooooo doot dooot

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Fjord, I can’t find you. You pooping? Don’t forget to throw that flying fish back overboard because I Polymorphed it and it’s really a shark!

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Hey Shakaste! It’s Jester, baby! It has been so long! Today I saw a seagull, which made me think of your hummingbird. How are you?

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Hellooooooo Caleb, it’s meeeeeee! We had another good visit with Vandran, I knew we would get along because we both like TUSK LOVE. Fjord says romance is silly but he’s lying because he is so romantic, I mean just the other day he oh shit this is too long

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Marius, it’s Jester! Don’t worry about that battle wound, nobody needs their pinky finger anyway. Kingsley said you looked very hot in the fight, too!

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(whispers) Veth, I have a question, it’s Jessie, anyway, is it okay if you are shnuggling with someone, right, and maybe they do something sexy but—

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Veth, still me! I’m whispering! Anyway, what if Yeza did this really sexy thing but you laughed because you’re ticklish? I’m worried I hurt Fjord’s feelings because he did this thing and I laughed, oh fuck I keep doing this, I went over again

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Yasha! When you shnuggle with Beau, did you ever do anything ticklish by accident? What did Beau do? You can reply to this message. Boop!

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I’m so silly, Veth! Fjord’s feelings weren’t hurt, he was trying not to laugh, too, and worried that my feelings were hurt! Sex is complicated. Isn’t that so funny? I explained I’m ticklish and I was trying not to laugh too and then he tickled me and we both laughed again, also it was kind of hot too, boy these things are not as easy as they sound

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Crabgrass family, I don’t know if you can get messages like this, but hi, I’ll visit again in the Spring! Hope you’re green and growing!

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Yasha, that’s the perfect place for your armor! The roses can grow through it, plus it’ll also scare off any bad people who come by.

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Caduceus, I just made tea! There was this smoke signal but it was just some people camping. They got mad when we tried to rescue them, sheesh, people are so fucking touchy but I admit that we should have asked them before we started carrying them off to the ship like that

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I got your letter! Don’t worry, Fjord and I are great. (whispers) He’s very tender. He’s shy, though, Mama, and it turns out, I’m ticklish—shit, this fucking message! Why can’t I send more than twenty-five words to my own mama, fucking shitballs

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Hi again, anyway I’m ticklish maybe a little bit, so it’s, you know, a learning process. Say hello to Papa, oops Fjord’s back! Love you!

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So, Beau Beau Beau, the crew is grumpy at me just because I’ve been casting Polymorph and turning the sharks into cute little whales, sheesh—

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Veth, sometimes at sea you won’t see another ship for days, but lately we’ve been seeing this one ship that’s a lot bigger than us…

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Hello Uthodurn Cupcakes, it’s Jester Lavorre, your favorite customer! I need to send some orders out, okay? I need a dozen Black Moss cupcakes sent to lots of people, all right? So here goes, send them to oh shoot

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Jester still! Anyway, you have my list—I need a dozen to Caleb Widogast, another to Yasha Nydorin, Marion Lavorre, Veth Brenatto, Caduceus Clay—thanks!

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Fjord, I am Sending you this important message to remind you to send that little seahorse I got to Kiri. Thank you, my Tusk Lover!

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It’s frustrating being at sea sometimes, Beau, there’s not that many places to draw dicks—the crew is starting to give me dirty looks…

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Veth, I got your message. Maybe you shouldn’t let Luc practice with that magic crossbow anymore? Because Yeza sounded just a little bit grumpy in his last message to me, even though I know Luc is such a natural archer of course

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Caleb! I want to send The Cat Prince to Kiri, can you help me find one in Common? No island bookstores have it. I even—

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—checked when I went back to see Mama! And oh my God, Caleb, she looks so happy! Wait til I tell you, she and Papa are still, you know, super shnuggly, and totally together but I’m still acting like it’s no big deal

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Astrid, how are you? I hope you’re happy and feeling better out there. You did such a brave thing, so message me hello sometime, okay?

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Oops, Astrid, that was me just now, I mean Jester, in case you didn’t recognize my voice because I am so much more mature lately—

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—also, Fjord says to say hello to Eadwulf if you know what I mean, ha, also, he just winked at me when I said that!

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Hello, Marius! No, I won’t tell anyone you killed that guy by accident. It still counts! And that scar sounds so dashing! Love to Kingsley!

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Hello, were you scrying on me last night? Of course, I understand if you were, but I thought maybe you’re lonely. So hello, I’ve sent—

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—you more blueberry cupcakes, they’ll be left outside for you soon! And do something nice for yourself, like hey, maybe a pedicure or new haircut might be fun, well okay, hope you’re well, oh I guess this is too long—

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How’s life as an expositor, Beau? Are you expositing everywhere? I know you are missing my help as you exposit. Exposit is a fun word. I have been using it all day. Do you ever say “I’m Beau. I’m the Expositor. Just because you can?” Oops this is too many words

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Fjord, this mysterious message is not from your pirate queen, it’s from Lady Guinevere McFancypants! She thinks you’re very hot. Oh! I have six words left so come give me a kiss! Oh never mind, you’re here—

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Luc, be extra good for your Papa and don’t shoot him anymore even with the practice arrows, and I’ll bring you back something nice on my next visit, okay? Because even those practice arrows, you know, they can really sting, and I think your Papa is losing patience, shit I mean shoot I’m out of words already

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Hello Papa, it’s meeeee, did you like your cupcakes? I figured you’d like blueberry since they reminded me of you, and we’re both blue! Aren’t—

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—you happy that I’m blue too? Anyway, give Mama a kiss from me if you see her, but no pressure, it’s okay if you don’t—

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Helloooo, it’s me, Jester Lavorre! How are you? Back home you were good at cleaning spots from things, can you tell me how? Asking for—

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—Oops, still Jester! Asking for a friend, which I really am, even though people say that when they are asking for themselves. Thanks so much!

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Yasha, Mama’s housekeeper back in Nicodranas says soak first in cold water. But you know Beau won’t care! Please let—know—how—Dairon—dinner—goes and love you so much! Shit balls okay fine stupid Sending

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You pooping? Yes, it’s ME! Essek, life on a ship is fun, but I miss you! I wish you and Caleb could come and sail with us oh shit I keep doing this

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—sorry—with us! Also, you should tell Caleb you love him because he already knows. And he loves you too, but shhhh, I said nothing

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Seven cats isn’t too many—Essek will love them! Also, Fjord is really good at sailing! Yesterday it only took three tries to drop anchor.

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Veth, that ship is back. Now it’s been behind us for two days straight. It has more guns than us. Orly and Fjord look worried!

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Hello Mama, it’s your little Sapphire! I hope you are well, and that Papa is not involving you in his mysterious life of crime… Love you!

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Yasha, next time take it out before it’s that color. But everyone likes burned things sometimes. And I’m so happy to hear about your roses!

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Oh my gosh, Caleb, that ship’s chasing us again, and they’re gaining on us even though Orly tightened the sails! It’s very exciting and tense…

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Veth, I wish you were here with your crossbow, but we will be fine. Shit! Fjord, they just fired at us! I’m casting Spiritual Weapon—

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Caduceus, you’d be so proud, we had a battle at sea and I did SO MUCH HEALING! Fjord has a new scar—it’s totally hot.

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Thanks for the beautiful rose petals! And Yasha’s stew sounded delicious! If you still had Caleb’s tower, you could fight ninjas for fun after dessert…

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Essek, you didn’t message me back! And I know Caleb’s worried too even though he says (Zemnian accent) “You mustn’t worry, Essek can take care of himself!” But I do worry, especially when I heard that

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But you’re all alone right now, and I don’t like that. Please message me that you are okay, I won’t even ask if you’re pooping, I promise, just message me back okay? Just stay safe

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Caleb, so glad Essek’s safe! And ohmygosh, disguised as a human sailor! I asked did he still float, and he said (Essek voice)Not at this moment…”

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Veth, don’t laugh… I’m getting more freckles! They’re purple, and Fjord has named each one and gives them kisses… I love him so much.

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Marius! Kingsley told me you were very brave and stabbed two bad men with a sword! Don’t worry, most people think eyepatches are SUPER sexy.

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Today’s the greatest day, Veth, I caught Fjord reading TUSK LOVE! He said he was looking for some toilet paper but he wasn’t! I actually wonder if he was looking for ideas because

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Vandran, do you want any book recommendations? I’m reading this book called LOVE ON AN ISLAND and it’s so hot, and very instructional, too, honestly...

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Yasha, I’ve painted you a new flower, it’s an anemone I saw when Fjord and I went swimming. It was so many colors—

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—Pink and blue and purple! And when you touch the yellow part it shocks you! It was dangerous and beautiful, just like you.

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Oh my gosh, Caduceus, there was a tea shop on this island but their tea wasn’t as good as your Dead People Tea. I miss you and Fjord does too!

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—also, please tell Calliope I sent her some cupcakes because I know she loves chocolate, and hug your Mama for us… how are the woods?

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(crying happily) Beau, ohmygosh, I’m so happy for you and Yasha! You will be the greatest parents in the world. I always wanted to be an Aunt!

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Kiri, we’re sailing so fast! It’s like flying, and the sky is so blue! I miss you and sent you something pretty. How are you?

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Don’t be sad. The past is past—you’ve done so much since that’s good and brave! Now please go look at the stars with Caleb.

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I just read MINOTAUR’S KISS—oh, wow. So good! Also, Fjord says to tell you he can pick up Orly now one-handed. Well, almost.

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Caleb Wi-do-gast! It has been two days. You promised to message me and tell me about the pretty new room in your tower for Essek.

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Luc, do NOT shoot people! Not even someone who looks like a bad guy. Use the target your mama made you, okay, okay? Love you!

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Last night, Mama, the moon was full of fire. As it went down, it touched the sea… and lit a path right to our ship…

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…Mama, I know sometimes you’re afraid of the world, and it can be a terrible place. But sometimes, Mama, it can be so beautiful too.

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Yasha, remember my dream about Molly and the Tarot? I think he was maybe telling me that our courage is what brings us our fates…

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(whispers) Fjord, Fjord, Fjord… you’re sleeping so I’ll Send this as you dream with the softest little kiss. Yes, I’ll marry you. For ever and always.

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Marius, silly, you know Kingsley will love you no matter what. Besides, having a hook for a hand can be very useful on a ship.

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Kingsley, I heard from Marius and I think maybe he should stay ashore for a little while? I am a little worried about that boy

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