Strange how lonely you can feel, even when you chose to be alone.
But then that is the point.
It isn't supposed to make him happy, nothing is supposed to make him happy.
It's a punishment.
For the thinghs he did.
For beeing a coward.
For leaving her alone.
And the thinghs that he does and that aren't punishment...well they are all about forgetting.
His attempt at coping with all the guilt and the damn fucking nightmares.
But there aren't enough drugs in the world to ever really make you forget it.
He always remembers.
Her wedding dress was a bright yellow and good gods - the way she smiled at him...
He will never forget.
It was a smile full of joy, a smile that showed him how much she loved him, despite everything he was.
She shouldn't have, that is all Mad Sweeny thinks these days.
I wish she hadn't...
I wish I had....
Yes, there are a lot off if I only had, or if she only had.... in his life.
Sometimes he thinks they consume his life until there is nothingh left, but these thoughts.
I wished she never loved me.
Deep down he knows that she could have (should have ) loved another man.
A man who could take care of her, a man who made her happy and cared for her.
A man who kissed her sweetly and laid next to her at night holding her close.
A man, who would have protected the child they would have had.
She should have had such a man.
Instead she had him.
I wish I never loved her.
Maybe he could have fallen for another woman, or maybe he could have simply married out off duty.
The best would be, to have never married at all.
Then no one would have been left behind.
No wife with a broken heart.
No child without a father.
I wish I wasn't mad.
But he is.
Without doubt Mad Sweeny knows that there is no way around being himself.
And he is insane.
Totally utterly insane.
Insane enough to owe Odin.
Odin, who he knows will be the death of him.
But that's fine.
Actually it is good, because he deserves to die.
Just maybe he won't feel guilty then.
Maybe finally his death can wash the shame away.
,,That would be a fucking miracle."growls Mad Sweeny at himself.
Another sign he's mad.
Talking to himself.
But he doesn't mind, not even when people look at him weirdly.
Neither does he mind it, when Odin orders him to start a fight with Shadow.
It feels damn fucking good to spill some blood.
Even when Showd says ,,I won't fight you.", Mad Sweeny knows it is a lie.
It is always a lie and he has a very punshable face.
Very, very much punshable.
But that is fine with him.
And he's right in the end, Shadow does fights him.
It only takes some insults and indecent comments about his dead wife and there ya go....
Hot blood is rushing trough Sweeny's when he and Shadow exchange punch after punch.
Not once does Sweeny back down.
It almost enables him to believe that he isn't a coward.
But deep down he knows that he already knew that Shadow wouldn't harm him, not beyond the usual at least.
There just was nothing evil in these kind dark eyes.
And yet, he had Sweeny's coin.
It had been a mistake of course, he had wanted to give him another - any coin.
Hell he would gladly give Shadow the damn fucking hoard if that meant he got his coin back.
If he didn't...
Of course it all could turn pur well..., but deep down Sweeny suspected that this was the end.
Or the beginning of it.
Giving the coin away meant he was going to do die soon.
And the worst thing about it?
He was still afraid.
Still a coward and he hated himself for it with every cell of his body, with every single of the damned atoms he was built off.
A large part off him knew, that he should feel at least some joy...
Finally, finally he would get a opportunity to redeem himself.
A chance to die in battle and stopp beeing a coward.
And yet...he was afraid.
So utterly terrified of dying...it was almost comical.
,,Fuck it."cursed Sweeny.
He had to get the coin back, ge simply he had to.
Fuck redeeming himself.
Fuck stopping beeing a coward.
Fuck you world.
All he wanted to do was...live.
,,Give me my coin back."snapped Sweeny, when he finally had cought up to Shadow.
Either give it back to me...or I will collect it from your fucking corpse.
,,You gave it to me."replied Shadow and looked a him, complerly relaxed.
As if thus was sone fucking joke.
Well guess what?
It wasn't and he needed this coin.
,,It was the wrong fucking coin."growled Sweeny and barely managed to stopp himself from simply punching Shadow.
Punch him until he lost his stupid composer and until he gave him the coin back...and then maybe punch him some more.
,,I gave it away."that to was calmy, as if he just hadn't ended Sweeny's fucking life.
,,You did what?"snapped Sweeny and now he was sure that Shadow must be insane.
Totally utterly insane.
Who throws a fucking lucky coin simply away?
Who is stupid enough for that?
Shadow Moon, of course.
And what for?
The dead wife.
Good gods, he fucking hated her.
Hated her for stealing his lucky coin.
Hated her for her big mouth.
Hated her for being able to fuck with him.
Hated her just for the good damn sake of hating her.
Still he has to be around her and wait until either she dies completely or comes back to live.
Either way he will get his coin back and that will give him some more years.
Even sitting next to Laura damn fucking Moon calling him ,,Ginger minge" doesn't get on his nerves enough to be suicidal.
But all off her ,,I can see his light."tells him Laura once again ,,Soon I will see my puppy again."
What the fuck is wrong with them?
Who calls someone they love puppy?
,,Puppy is the most ridiculous pet name I ever heard in my damned life."
,,You are only jealous, because no one ever calls you pet names."fired Laura back, without the slightest effort.
Mad Sweeny only glared at her.
,,I am sure we will soon be there."adds Salim to there conversation, probably hoping they will forget about their fight.
That is Salim to you.
An utterly niece guy, who is always polite and well mannered, trying his best to make the world a better place.
Sweeny hates him even more then Laura, he is just too niece.
Too sweet and too caring.
Too much in love, for Sweeny to bear.
,,And then I will finally get the fuck ridd of you."let's Sweeny out with a satisfied sigh.
,,Believe me I am sick off you."replies Laura with a scoff ,,Does anyone actually buys your fuck-you-all attitude?"
Better not to answer that one.
,,Does anyone actually believes you are cable of love, dead wife?"counters Sweeny immediatly.
,,I love Shadow."
Of course she says that, as I repeating it makes it any less of a lie.
Wich it doesn't.
In Seeny's opnion there is just no way Laura could possible love Shadow, not with her expecting him to always be a good "puppy".
An obedient dog, that is what she wants.
Just someone she can push around, as she likes.
,,Yer fuckin' lying to yourself."
,,I am not, kissing him made me feel actually alive again, with a beating heart."
,,Fucking niece for you, but what is about him?"questions Sweeny with a grin ,,All he was kissing was a fucking corpse, tasting like rott."
,,And yet, I still taste better, then you would have."retorts Laura.
,,I fucking doubt that, dead wife."
And of course that is not were it ends, far from it even.
Instead of bringing her back to love Ostara only says she can't and then Laura refuses to come with him to New Orleans.
And above all, fuck you Odin.
Fuck you, you selfish bastard for making me kill her in the first place.
The truth is that he kind of misses her, while she does the same dumb mistake, her husband did and starts listening to Odin.
Later she comes back with her coin recharged and looking almost alive.
There us a glint in her eyes, that wasn't there before and finally she takes Sweeny up on his offer.
He should have fucking known that there is nothingh worse in the world then dragging a dead wife to New Orlans, to bring her back to life.
He has not the slightest idea what actually happened there, despite the fact that she isn't alive.
That and that he slept with her.
When he closes his eyes, he can still fell her lips on his and the taste of her, not rotten like he thought, but rather sweet.
The feeling off her legs around his waist lingers and - damn it.
He wish he could do it again.
Kiss her soft skin again, look into these cold eyes that suddenly seemed so alive.
He wished she was there to insult him.
Fuck it all.
He is in love.
There is no way around it and it almost kills him.
Karma, a part of him thinks that put off all people he should fall in love with the woman he killed.
The woman, who stole his coin and left him immediatly after sleeping with him.
Just his luck.
When she leaves, she takes his lucky coin with him.
I am truly fucked.
When Shadow finds him, he isn't even suprised.
Of course, he thinks, it comes to an end now, I should have known.
And he kind of has.
There is still a part of him that panics, when he spots the banshees.
All of him panics and he is once again truly utterly terrified, like he was after the dream that told him he would die, if he staid.
He fleet back then, but somehow he knows he can't flee anymore.
There is no were to run to.
No one he can run from, but himself and his past and no matter how fast he runs he can't out run himself.
But he can't.
Maybe it is time to give up.
And then there is Odin.
,,Finish her."he says as casual as you tell someone to finish their dinner.
But it isn't just a meal, it is about her.
About the woman with all the fire inside her, the woman, who repeatedly punched him.
Who defied him with words and insults.
He already could have finished her and it would have been very easy to.
All he would have needed to do, would have been simply to do nothing.
After the car crash, he just could have left her for dead.
Simply turned his back on her and walked away, it would have been that easy.
He could have walked away.
Additionally he finally would have gotten his coin back.
Well, there was no sane reason for him to help her, no gain by helping her.
It brought him nothing, if anythingh it made his situation worse.
He couldn't leave her, simply couldn't.
And there was the bill arriving for that.
No, he thought, he wouldn't to do that.
That's when he truly realised that the Banshees were wailing for him, announcing his death.
No way, that he would go down without a fight.
And no way he is going to let Odin..Grimnir get away with all his shit.
There is a spear in his chest.
This is the end, realises Sweeny partly glad for it,but mostly angry he didn't got to kill Odin.
Slowly he gripps the spear and concentrates.
It is simple, he told Shadow and it is, all you have to do is to believe and Sweeny does believe.
The Spear disappears.