Alec has mostly given up on talking to Parker about her habit of picking him for fake making out, since she never sits still for that conversation. But then she walks up to him and says, "Sophie says that I should tell you that although I think you are a nice person and sexually attractive, I am not going to have sex with you. Do you want to stop fake making out?"
Because it's Parker, and because he's pretty sure that if he asks as if he merely wants additional information, she'll take it that way, he says, "You think I'm sexually attractive but you don't want to have sex with me?"
"I don't have sex with men," she says.
Alec wants to sleep with Parker for more reasons than that she's hot and she's a good kisser. She's also direct about her likes and dislikes. She's not as good with her emotions, but that appears to be because she doesn't actually notice she has them, not because she's hiding something. So, he feels like it's okay to ask, "Are you a lesbian or what?"
Parker says, "It's complicated and you'll laugh at me."
Alec responds to the twist of her lips that says: if you laugh at me, I'll have to kill you, which I don't actually want to do. "I don't want to laugh at you. It's just, if there's something I can do so we can have sex even though I'm a man, I'd kind of like to figure it out." He smiles, not too big, spreads his hands. "You're a good kisser and you're hot."
"You smell good," says Parker, smile flitting across her face before being replaced with no expression at all. "I don't like having things inserted in my body, and women are better at having sex that way, so I have sex with them."
Alec blinks, leans back in his chair, but somehow feels compelled to point out, "That's not really a very complicated explanation."
Parker blinks at him, looking confused. "You're not going to try to talk me out of it?"
He shrugs. "I don't like having things inserted in my body either," he says."We can keep fake making out though. I still like that." He gets up, preparing to go somewhere, anywhere, that is not here. He wasn't in love with Parker or something like that, but he sort of has to get his head straight, put her in the category of people he's not going to have sex with ever.
Then there's a hand on his arm, and Parker says, "Eliot likes it. If we both had sex with him, we could—."
"Eliot likes to get fucked?" Alec really has to leave the room, now, because his mind is being blown. He's pretty sure it's nothing that five or six hours of WoW can't cure, but, "How do you know Eliot likes to get fucked?," apparently, he can't stop talking to Parker.
"When I told him I don't have sex with men, he said I could peg him."
He almost, almost asks when that happened, but he realizes in time that he actually doesn't want to know the answer. Instead he says, with a great deal of completely fake calm, "Does Eliot have sex with men?" In his experience, there's a lot less overlap between guys who get pegged and guys who have gay sex than people who don't do either would assume.
"Eliot," says Parker, at a terrifyingly conversational volume, "do you have sex with men?"
Alec turns around and is horrified, but not surprised, to find that Eliot is standing right behind him.
The smirk on Eliot's face isn't exactly right, but it's friendly, not a warning that Alec's about to get punched in the face. "I think the question you want to ask, Parker, is do I want to have sex with Hardison?"
Alec realizes abruptly that no one has asked if he wants to have sex with Eliot. Fortunately, he's pretty sure he does, but it's somehow comforting to realize that this whole conversation could have been even more fucked up. "Uh, yeah," he says slowly. "I'd have sex with Eliot, but it doesn't really matter if he won't—."
"I do," says Eliot, and he can't possibly have done anything more complicated than reach a hand around the back of Alec's neck and pulled their heads together for a kiss, but somehow Alec misses the transition between not kissing and kissing anyway.
It's still a good kiss, and when he pulls out of it, he can't stop the big, cheesy grin on his face. "When do you wanna—?"
"No time like the present," says Eliot, and he's smiling, too, a really self-satisfied grin, like he's already been fucked and it was good.
"Yay!" says Parker, and she claps her hands. "Eliot, how do you feel about double penetration?"