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Confessions

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Sutton Brady numbly walked to her best friend's apartment, having just been at her mom's house a short time ago. With everything that had happened in the past few weeks, she wasn't exactly sure how time was still moving. It felt as though the world should have completely stopped because of all the pain she was in.

Just a little over two weeks ago, she had miscarried her baby. Though she was relieved at the prospect of not being a mother when she wasn't ready to be, grief pained her. She thought she was going to have a child with the man she loved most in the world. Richard was her person, and now...he was gone, too. He had left her. He was probably soaking up the sun in California or something right this very moment.

But Sutton? Sutton was a wreck, and she knew it. Just last night, she had slept with her old high school boyfriend just to feel something...anything. She slept with him knowing he was married and had kids. His wife had even said to her that she was "just like her mother".

Little did Sutton know that her mom had disappointed her for what felt like the millionth time because she had relapsed into drinking. Upon returning to her childhood home, Sutton found the half-empty bottles of alcohol and wanted to shatter them. It sure would have reflected her feelings at the time. Instead, she left the house and decided to come back home to New York.

She had reached Jane's apartment door. Taking a deep breath, she turned the knob and was greeted with the sound of Jane and Kat laughing about something. They sounded so happy, something Sutton wasn't, and she wasn't sure she could ever be again. The weight of everything that had happened in such a short amount of time felt crushing to her. She slowly took a few steps forward and saw her friends smiling. Suddenly, Sutton felt her emotions shatter inside of her as she let out a sob and her knees give out, falling to the floor with a loud thump.

"Sutton!?" Jane and Kat's voices rang out, rushing over to their friend.

"What's wrong, honey?" Jane questioned, sitting down in front of Sutton. Kat did the same, and they each grabbed one of Sutton's hands and exchanged concerned looks with each other. This wasn't like Sutton to just come over after a trip and start sobbing.

"Everything." Sutton managed to get out, her eyes burning from her mascara and making her cry harder. "I really fucked up back home, you guys….going back was a mistake." She continued, looking at Jane and Kat, worry written all over their faces.

"Whatever it is, Sutton, you know you can tell us," Kat said gently, rubbing her thumb across the top of Sutton's hand.

Just how in the world was she going to explain this one? Jane and Kat were her best friends in the whole world, but even they had limits as to what they could take. Sutton was afraid that all of these emotions and pain would simply be too much to handle. She took a deep breath and all that came out was another sob.

"We're going to move you to the couch. Come on," Jane added, standing up and putting her arms around Sutton. Kat did the same and Sutton slumped down on the couch, putting her face in her hands. She felt Jane and Kat hug her as they sat down next to her, waiting for their friend to continue.

"Well…" Sutton began, feeling as if the whole world would crush her. "I went back home and went to a bar. When I got there, I ran into Billy, my ex from high school. He convinced me to have a drink with him. I didn't even want to, but I did it anyway. We got to talking, and….we started flirting a bit. I just wanted to feel good after everything with…." She trailed off, another sob wracking her body. She couldn't dare say the words Richard or the baby. It would make all of this too real.

"We know, it's okay," Kat replied gently.

"Talking to Billy, catching up on old times, it felt comforting, familiar. And so I kissed him, which led to us having sex in the bar's back storage area. The next thing I know, we're waking up to banging on the door and yelling. His wife caught us. She asked if he wanted to be the one to tell their kids about what we did." Admitting this out loud, she felt disgusting, broken.

"Oh, Sutton," Jane said, a hint of sadness in her voice.

"After I left, I went back to my mom's place. Going to see her is why I went home in the first place. She texted me and said she was in Atlantic City with some friend of hers. Knowing Babs, that can only mean one thing: she's dating a new guy. I ended up looking around the kitchen and found half-empty bottles of vodka in the freezer, so she disappointed me and let me down again. All of this has me feeling so….broken."

She took a deep breath before speaking again, this time with anger in her words and tears threatening to fall faster than before.

"This shit sucks so fucking much. Sure, I may have realized that I don't want to be a mom, but it doesn't mean that losing the baby didn't hurt. Losing my husband, the love of my life, made it even worse. And having my mom relapse? Well, that's just the cherry on top of the fucking cake! Why am I such a fuck up?" Sutton said bitterly.

Sutton's throat hurt from all of the anger and grief that felt like poison seeping out of her mouth and falling from her eyes. She was watching her entire life fall apart in front of her and she couldn't seem to do a damn thing about it. Her chest felt as if it had a million tons of this emotion that she had been holding inside, finally spilling out over the edges and all around her. She felt as if she were just drowning in her pain.

Kat and Jane looked at each other again, trying to decide who would speak first. Kat pointed to herself and Jane nodded.

"Sutton, sweetie...none of this is your fault. None of it. So yeah, you made a mistake with Billy. That doesn't make you a bad person. You've been through so much lately, going through any of those things on their own would be hard. But you're going through them all at the same time. That would be hard on anyone. You're not a fuck up, either, you're not the first person to make a mistake while they were in pain." Kat said quietly, stroking Sutton's hair to comfort her as she began sobbing again.

"You don't have to be an emotional superwoman, either. We know you don't want us to worry, but we're your best friends. We're always going to worry and care about you, no matter what. That's just what we do. Remember what you told me at your wedding when Ryan and I broke up? You said that nothing is bigger than us. We might not be able to tell you when or how things will be okay, but they will. You have us. We love you so much." Jane pointed out, wrapping her arms around Sutton. Sutton leaned into the touch, feeling grateful for her two best friends.

The trio sat there for what felt like hours, each reflecting on their friendship. They had been through so much together and knew that their friendship would be for life, through thick and thin. No matter what happened, they would always be there for each other. That's just what best friends did.

"I just had an idea." Jane sat up, a smile on her face. Kat and Sutton looked at her curiously.
"We are going to make brownies!" Jane exclaimed, hopping up from the couch and excitedly grabbed Sutton's hand. Kat mirrored this excitement, joining Jane in standing up.

"What?" Sutton said incredulously. "Can't you see I'm not in the mood for making brownies?" She questioned this as Kat was already pulling ingredients from the cupboards and fridge.

"Come on, Sutton. Maybe it'll help you feel better!" Jane tugged gently on Sutton's hand. Sutton rolled her eyes and stood up.

"Fine." They walked into the kitchen where Kat was getting bowls and measuring spoons now.

Jane grabbed a small amount of flour and looked at Sutton, a gleam of mischief in her eyes. Sutton had barely gotten out a "don't you dare" when Jane tossed the flour at her.

"You're going to pay for that now, Tiny Jane," Sutton said, grabbing a bigger handful of flour. Jane started laughing as flour coated the shirt she had been wearing.

They both turned to Kat, who had grabbed the flour as well. All three of the friends laughed as they tossed the flour at each other, and the room around them was just flour dust at that point. This wasn't how the trio imagined the day ending, but they wouldn't have it any other way.

As Sutton looked at her two best friends, she realized that maybe they were right. The emotions she had felt were still raw and painful, and they wouldn't disappear with magic, but they could heal with time. She wasn't sure when that it would be or how that would feel, but she somehow knew that things would be okay again eventually. After all, she had Kat and Jane by her side, and they would be forever.

"I love you guys so much," Sutton said between laughs, feeling lighter than she had when walking into the apartment. She smiled this time, her eyes lighting up. "Now, who wants brownies?"