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Luctiferous

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It's happening again.

I'm trapped in my own head, but

it's not even 

mine.

 

Maybe I shouldn't hate him for it

because it's my own damn fault

because I am out of my place.

 

Jealousy isn't exactly out of character for me, but

maybe it's the feelings that come with it

that make me want to tear myself apart,

if only I had my own body.

 

My name is Desire,

or at least

according to him it is,

or at least

that's my purpose.

 

To want.

Relentlessly.

Without guilt or ties to anything.

 

I'm tied to this.

 

He's kissing them now.

I can tell because 

it feels like there's something soft

touching my lips.

I don't want to watch,

but if I look to a certain spot,

I can see what he sees,

and he sees Clear 

taking off his shirt

and Noiz

kissing his thighs.

 

This is not supposed to bother me.

But it does, and I want

to scream.

 

If I listen closely,

I can hear what he hears,

and he hears

the sound of skin on skin

and a breathy

"I love you."

 

I pretend that

it's meant for me and Clear,

not Aoba

I pretend that

they're touching me,

not Aoba.

I pretend that

they love me,

not Aoba.

 

It's ridiculous because

I hurt them.

Honestly I

wouldn't be surprised

if they hated me.

 

I swear I

don't want to see Noiz

hurting himself, but

I pushed him to do it

anyway.

I did that twice,

the first time was a year and a half ago,

and the second was a few months ago.

 

I was watching the first time when

Aoba found him

on the floor

in the bathroom.

He looked dead,

and he was bleeding,

and I was sorry.

 

I was listening the second time when

Clear told him

that he found Noiz

alone and shaking

and when Aoba told him

that he saved his life.

He looked dead,

and he wasn't speaking,

and I was sorry.

 

Noiz takes his shirt off,

and I am reminded

of what I did

by the faded gashes

on his body.

 

I swear I

think Clear 

is beautiful, but

that didn't stop me

from trying to tell him

that he isn't.

I couldn't get into his head

because he's a robot,

and honestly,

that was for the better.

 

I know he wouldn't be able

to handle that because

I saw him cry

over his body

and how he thinks

he's ugly.

He looked tired,

and he couldn't look anyone in the eye,

and I was sorry.

 

I remember the day he woke up

with discolored skin

and cried because he thought that

that made him unloveable.

He looked tired,

and he wanted Aoba to hold him while Noiz went to the store,

and I was sorry.

 

Clear crosses his arms over his chest,

and I am reminded

that I wanted

to confirm the false suspicions

that he still holds now.

 

I swear I

didn't want to take things this far but

a while ago I

made Aoba think

Clear was going to hurt them,

and Noiz would gladly take the pain,

and I think I ruined,

or at least scarred,

a part of his mind.

 

I didn't realize what

I was doing,

and the second I did I

woke him up, but

I think it was too late because

he was shaking 

and he thought that

Noiz was dying,

and Clear was assisting.

He was miserable,

and I hated him,

and I was sorry.

 

They rushed him to the hospital,

and I watched him scream and cry,

and I saw the nurses and doctors as he saw them,

and I was scared,

but I didn't do anything because

I knew it was my fault.

I found myself mocking him,

telling him that I was bored of this place,

the place that I put him into,

telling him that I wanted him 

to have better sex

and to make things more interesting.

I was disappointed in myself.

He was miserable,

and it was my fault,

and I was sorry.

 

Sometimes if I focus

I can feel

what Aoba feels,

and I can feel Clear's hand 

moving slowly along his side,

and I think I feel

Aoba flinch 

when his hand

reaches between his thighs.

 

And I feel sorry.

 

I'm not supposed to feel sorry.

I'm supposed to feel hate.

I'm supposed to feel jealousy.

I'm supposed to feel desire.

And I feel all of those, but I

also feel

sorry.

 

And that goes against everything I am.

So I must be dying.

 

I apologized to them once.

Sometimes I'm given control 

without force.

I got to feel

what their kisses feel like.

what their hugs feel like.

None of them were directed at me, but

I still

pretended.

 

When I felt myself losing control,

they were in my arms, and I

wanted them to hear me say, "Sorry."

So I said it.

Right before it was Aoba's turn again.

I think Clear heard me.

Noiz was asleep.

It's always Aoba's turn.

 

They're almost done now, and

I try to focus so I can feel

Aoba's orgasm,

and maybe if I can,

I'll pretend that it's

mine.

I hate the way his name

falls from their lips.

 

I remember the night I told Aoba to kill me, and he didn't.

He was

nice to me,

and he shouldn't have been

nice to me

because I fucked his life up,

and I didn't deserve his

kindness.

 

Clear's breathing is heavy, and

he moves to kiss Noiz and 

then Aoba. 

They're coming down 

from their high,

and Noiz smiles

and laughs, and

Clear does too.

I feel Aoba smile.

I don't feel like laughing.

I feel like crying.

 

Noiz's back is sweaty,

and Clear's cheeks are flushed,

and I think I

love them.

I don't want to love them.

 

Aoba is falling asleep, but 

I am still awake.

I want to hold them in my own arms.

And I want to say

"Sorry,"

again.