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Late Night Gender Crisis

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Magnus loves talking with Alex. Sure, everybody should like talking to their partner, because humans are meant to communicate to form bonds, but Magnus likes it more than a normal boyfriend. There is always a story to tell with Alex, always a secret that she hasn’t told him yet. She has the craziest yet most interesting takes and theories about everything from space to sea creatures, (and some of the best revolutionary ideas about sci-fi media) not to mention that she has a lovely voice. Alex doesn’t agree with him, because she thinks her voice is too low sometimes or just generally annoying. Magnus tries to convince her otherwise, but she doesn’t seem to understand. Magnus wishes for Alex to hear herself from his ears, but of course that’s too much to ask for from a world full of dwarves, elves, ruinstone magic and giants.

 

They had a habit of meeting up in one of their rooms late at night when they couldn’t sleep. Sometimes they’d share their nightmares, sometimes they’d talk about anything and nothing, sometimes they’d read books together or to each other, or sometimes they’d just enjoy the silence together. Tonight was one of the nights when Alex didn’t have nightmares, but he just couldn’t sleep. Alex had decided to do some pottery, because he didn’t think Magnus would be up tonight. The late night talks were becoming rare, and Alex was so terrified of the habit becoming history. And yet, because of his stupid pride of his -I don’t care about you, you’re the patheticly in love boyfriend- aura, he couldn’t bring himself to discuss this with Magnus. Therefore, he settled with doing some pottery to overcome his anger and longing. God, he was becoming even more attached to this boy day by day. 

 

He’d first thought that getting into a relationship would be binding and unchangeable and boring; but he’d bit the bullet and taken the chance for Magnus’ sake. The outcome was nothing he could ever imagine. Dating Magnus was nothing but binding, it was a whole journey of its own. The flirting, the dates, the kissing, late night talking, trying to see where the relationship is going; were all thrilling and tiring. He didn’t know what came next, but that didn’t matter because he could be the one that shaped what came next. And he knew that this was exactly what he should have been doing, shaping the future of their relationship by just declaring he wants to continue late night talking, but he just couldn’t do it. Maybe later. Talking about his raw feelings was still scary, even after months of opening up to Magnus and Samirah. Therefore, this was a problem for future Alex. Present Alex’s problem was making a pot with the colors of the genderfluid flag. And also one with the colors of bisexual flag. Maybe he’d make a pansexual one for Magnus too, if he was nice enough.

 

Alex was so into his pot that he didn’t hear the first knock. When he heard a louder and harder knock, he perked up and got to the door. Of course, he knew that it was Magnus but he couldn’t help but smile when he saw his beautiful bed hair and cloudy grey eyes heavy with sleep.

 

“Come in,” Alex gestured inside. “Even though you weren’t invited.” He wanted to hit himself for that. Now Magnus wouldn’t come to his place even if he wanted to. Stupid Alex.

 

Magnus smiled tiredly, and pointed to the pottery wheel. “What are you makin?”

 

Alex grinned, pleased to talk about his newest idea, his pride and joy. “Pride pots!” he exclaimed excitedly. Magnus chuckled a bit at his enthusiasm. 

 

“Anything for me?” he asked, using his puppy eyes and pouting a little.

 

Alex punched his shoulder. “If you’re nice enough.” Magnus grinned at him. “But you have to let me finish.”

 

Magnus nodded and went to take a chair from across the room. Alex went by the wheel, and sat down on his chair. Soon, his boyfriend placed his chair right next to him.

 

Alex started spinning the wheel. He didn’t like Magnus’ silence at all. If he was this sleepy, he would be sleeping unless he had a nightmare. Magnus didn’t seem to have a wish to talk, so Alex was in that weird questioning place whether he should ask him or not.

 

“Are you gonna paint them?”

 

Alex looked up. “What?”

 

Magnus pointed at the clay on the wheel taking shape. “There isn’t colored clay, so you’re gonna paint when it’s dry, right?”

 

Alex chuckled. “Wow. You’ve become a pottery master, Mango.”

 

He hit his shoulder in offense. Alex just laughed. “By the way, he/him now.”

 

Magnus nodded. He lifted his head up. Alex hadn’t even realized that he’d lowered his head. “How do you know?” he asked.

 

“What?” asked Alex. It was kind of hard to understand what Magnus was saying when he was sleepy or drunk. Or both.

 

“When you’re a boy? I’m sorry if the question makes you uncomfortable, I just want to understand to become a better boyfriend for you-”

 

Alex sighed, and cut Magnus’ rambling with his own words. “Don’t worry, Mag. You’re doing great, you seriously don’t need to do anything else. But if you think you’ll feel closer to me or feel like you’ll understand me better after learning this, then sure I’ll explain.”

 

He stopped to take the now shaped pot out of the wheel. He sat it down to dry.

 

He sighed again, turning back to sit on his chair. Magnus was silent the whole time, like Alex was about to give out the secrets of the universe and he mustn't miss any millisecond.

 

“The thing is,” he sighed, facing Magnus. “When I’m a girl, my voice sounds wrong. My face is okay, but my body looks wrong. Or sometimes it’s the opposite. The important thing is that when I’m a girl, I like being called a girl and hate being called a boy. When I’m a boy, it’s the opposite. I like being associated with things that are associated with boys, and they just feel right. Like it’s just like a simple fact, as simple as the fact that I have hands.”

 

He stopped to look at Magnus’ face in confusion. Of course, how could he expect a cis guy to understand him anyway?

 

“So.. you feel connected to the gender you currently are?”

 

Alex raised an eyebrow. “Basically yeah.”

 

“Is it a trans thing?”

 

“What is a trans thing?”

 

Magnus cocked his head to the side. “Feeling connected to a gender? Because cis people don’t have this kind of important connection to their gender. I don’t care what people call me, or what things I’m associated with.”

 

Alex took a while to take these words in. Could Magnus? No, that was ridiculous. He had never talked to any cis person about gender, maybe this was how they all felt. Maybe they were so comfortable with their gender that they never thought about it. 

 

“I’m pretty sure everybody feels some sort of connection to their gender, Maggie.”

 

Magnus shrugged. “Well I don’t.”

 

Alex chuckled. “I think I have some news for you, sweetie.”

 

Magnus stared at him for a while, locking their eyes in a staring contest. He looked too tired to have a gender crisis at 1 am, but he looked like he was giving it his best shot.

 

“Alex I’m too tired for this shit,” he said finally and rubbed his eyes. “Just tell me already.”

 

“I can’t tell you, you need to come to the realization on your own. Otherwise we won’t know if it’s actually accurate.”

 

Magnus grumbled, lifting his head up as if he was praying for his father to burn him. Then his eyebrows scrunched in confusion, and he lifted his head down; his eyes open wide.

 

“Oh fuck,” he said. “I’m nonbinary.”

 

And that was when Alex couldn’t take it anymore. He started laughing hard, hitting Magnus’ chest meanwhile. Magnus joined him after a while, murmuring holy fucking shit s under his breath.

 

“Okay okay,” said Alex, catching his breath and leaning back on his chair. “I don’t wanna push you more, because you just had a gender crisis at 1 am. By the way, been there done that.” Magnus laughed at that. “But.. Do you think you have an idea about your pronouns?”

 

Magnus shrugged, like he thought it was as meaningless as a government. (He thought governments were the most useless thing humankind invented.) “I’ve never felt uncomfortable with he/him,” he said. “But I don’t think I’d mind any other things?” he gestured like the who knows? emoji.

 

“Hmm..” Alex tapped his chin in thought. “You’re the best girlfriend ever, I’m so glad you’re not cis,” he said, sarcasm evident in his tone. 

 

Magnus laughed, then abruptly stopped. “That didn’t feel bad,” he said. “It felt the same as being called boyfriend. Were you just kidding?”

 

Alex grinned, his suspicions were right. “I was testing the waters, I had to catch you by surprise.”

 

“Ooh..” Magnus nodded. “Then I guess.. any pronouns? I’d like for everybody to try out neutral stuff too though.”

 

“There is all the time you want to experiment,” Alex assured them, rubbing their shoulder. “I’ll use different stuff for you, and you can tell me what is good and not anytime, okay?”

 

Magnus nodded, a shy smile on his lips. “Okay.”

 

Alex patted their cheek, but then decided against himself and put a kiss on their cheek.

 

“My beautiful lover.”

 

Magnus grinned, and shyly pointed at the pottery wheel. “Can you.. make me a nonbinary pot?”

 

Alex couldn’t help it anymore, Magnus was being too cute for his good. He took their face in his hands, and kissed them.

 

“Of course I will, querida .”