Sam felt off for almost two months after Dean and Bobby had exorcised Meg from him, he couldn’t quite out his finger on why, he assumed it was the lingering feeling of being violated at that level, having his body be used to kill and hurt people without his knowledge, but even that didn’t fully explain how he felt. He just felt different, almost more aware of everything, and he tried to convince himself that maybe that was just what being put back in the driver's seat of your body after being suppressed did. That it just made you hyper-aware of things you did every day, but he hadn’t ever heard someone say that. Then again, it’s not like they lingered after demons were gone to find out. The fact that he couldn’t explain it even after pouring over Bobby’s books when everyone else was asleep bothered him but he wasn’t going to bring it up and make them worry about him, it would be better if he just went along with everything like normal.
It wasn’t until Azazel explained that his powers stemmed from demon blood that he started to realize why he’d felt that way after his possession, and even then the full implications of what had happened didn’t hit him until after he was drinking Ruby’s blood on the regular.
He had been juiced up on demon blood beyond his wildest imaginations. All of the blood that ran through his veins when Meg possessed him had been turned into demon blood. Her possession corrupted him at a cellular level and her eviction didn’t change his blood back to being human immediately. He had to wait for the blood to go through its natural replacement cycle to filter it all back out and make it normal blood again.
His powers had been heightened that whole time and he had been operating at peak psychic performance without even realizing it. He’d had psychic superstrength and just written it off as adjustment issues, a natural grip issue relating to not being aware of his own body or its movements for a few days. He could have done a million things with the power if only he’d realized what it was. He assumed that he’d probably had all the powers he had ever exhibited and all the ones that the other psychic kids had had and would have been able to use them if he’d tried. And that thought made him question if Azazel had actually orchestrated the whole thing in order to get him to ascend to the level of boy-king of Hell that he wanted Sam to, if he wanted him in Cold Oak earlier to get him to kill all the other psychic kids while hopped up on demon blood his own body produced. Would he have done it? Would he have killed the others if it meant he could be powerful if he realized how it felt to be gorged on demon blood?
Would he have let Ruby possess him for him to be that full of demon blood rather than just drinking hers if he realized that he could be filled with his own? Just how much farther down the rabbit hole would he have fallen?
He’d been riding on a demonic blood high for almost two months and only avoided the detox that should have followed because his body was naturally weaning off it in the natural cycle of replacing his blood cells. He didn’t have the usual issues he associated with the powers because his body wasn’t straining to pull on the small stores of demon blood corruption it was used to having to, his whole body was still thrumming with the stuff, it saturated his every cell and he didn’t even realize because it felt surprisingly natural.
He later wondered if that experience had predisposed him to being addicted to Ruby’s blood more than the few drops he’d had as a baby or if he was just always doomed to it; his body naturally jonesing for a few drops to get him going, wired from birth to want it and want it until it either destroyed him or corrupted him until his body could produce it itself after twisting up his soul and spitting him back out as the thing he craved more than anything in the world. He spent hours sometimes just wondering if he was fated to be a demon, if when he died at Jake’s hand he would have gone to Hell because of his demon blood and addiction to the stuff, if his soul was doomed because of everything he did with Ruby, for raising up Lucifer. It’s one of the reasons he decided it was okay to use himself to throw Lucifer into the cage, he thought he was going to Hell anyway and at least this would make his damnation worth something. Sure he’d been to Heaven, but he didn’t feel right there, it felt like it was supposed to be a lesson, a lesson where he played his own Jacob Marley, warning himself about his life and how his best memories screwed up his brother. How he was selfish and a bad brother and better suited for the pit for more reasons than he believed.
Sometimes he wondered if other people who had been possessed felt the same or if it was just him that found himself wanting it, reveling in the feeling post-possession of power and ease.
He knew he couldn’t ask or try and get evidence that it isn’t just him who’s that screwed up that they miss being possessed for the power of the demon’s blood in your veins afterwards.
After they meet Jeffery again years later and discover that he wants his demon back Sam realizes it’s not just him. But Jeffery didn’t just want the power from the blood, no he was a certified freak who wanted the demon back because he liked his company and the freedom and acceptance it provided him. Maybe Sam is as unique on the freak scale as he’d always feared, maybe he’s always been doomed to be “the boy with the demon blood” forever. Craving something he knows will ruin him, something that taints him even after years without it, something he knows fundamentally changes him in a way he wasn’t entirely comfortable with even in the days he drank gallons of it for the rush of power.
Even after they get access to the Men of Letters’ files he can’t find anything on post-possession demon blood highs, and maybe that’s because they were scared to come forward, maybe like him they didn’t realize just what it was, or maybe he’s just unique in that regard.
Even the days he felt on top of the world and full of power he was trying to use righteously he wasn’t, and isn’t that just how things work for them? Righteousness screws them over at every turn? Dean makes a righteous deal and ends up in hell and breaks the first seal in the apocalypse, they use the bone of a righteous nun to send the Leviathans back to Purgatory where they belong and Dean ends up going too, and Sam tries to use demon born powers righteously and breaks the last seal. Righteousness might be overrated in Sam’s opinion, but abandoning the idea entirely doesn’t seem like it would go well for them either, what would they be left with?