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The IKEA Incident (AKA Phil Coulson Regrets His Life)

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Phil Coulson's letter of apology regarding the Avengers IKEA fiasco (unfortunately, not the first time he had had to write something like this since becoming the Avenger's handler) went a little like this.

 

"Dear IKEA staff,

SHIELD would like to thank you for dropping the restraining order, and agrees with your decsision to ban the Avengers from all IKEA stores. I would also like to inform you that all damages done to the premises and stock will be covered by Stark Industries, except the coffee machines, because Mr. Stark says that "turning them into robots was for the good of society, and anyone who thinks otherwise is wrong".

Doctor Banner would like to personally apologise for the destruction of the children's ball pit, but as he said "how was I to know that plastic balls, static electricity and lasers was a trigger for the big guy?".

I would like to apologise on behalf of Agent Barton, as he doesn't seem to realize that building a nest in the roof and terrorizing small children from the rafters is a bad thing.

Captain Rogers and Thor would like to apologise for the food fight, but as it was in self defence against the coffee machine robots, I don't think you can really hold them accountable, and Agent Romanov would like it to be known that she had no hand in any of this, and that her team mates are idiots.

I would like it to be known that I completely agree with Agent Romanov.

Sincerely,
Phil Coulson. "