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Unspoken Desires

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He wanted to touch him.

Not in sexual way – well, maybe he wanted that too. But Eren just wanted to be close to Levi, to have him embrace him, to simply be something more than they were now. And than they probably would ever be.

He was watching the corporal’s every movement carefully, studying his features and memorizing every detail. It was kind of difficult thing to do in a place full of people – dining room wasn’t the best place for observation, not to mention that from time to time Eren literally stared at the man – he couldn’t care less though. There wasn’t much he could do so if there was anything – he would do it. The smallest things. Observation. Bringing Levi tea when he was too busy with paperwork to do it himself. Staying still while being handcuffed before sleep, while the corporal’s fingers sometimes brushed him gently. It was barely noticeable. Yet, for Eren it was more than enough to tremble inside. Every time he clenched his teeth hoping Levi wouldn’t notice anything. He always though the man didn’t pay enough attention to that. For Levi, it was more important to check the handcuffs. It was part of his work after all.

“Ugh. Filthy.”

Eren rose his eyes at those words. Somehow – and he really had troubles with imagining how exactly – some tea split down while Levi was drinking. Now a thin line of liquid was running down from his lips. Eren swallowed hardly. Rather rapidly, he took a bite of his bread. Woah. Such a small thing was enough to make him react. In his mind, he was praying not to blush. Because if he did, it would become obvious to everyone that he had his interest settled in Levi. And it wasn’t the kind of interest people usually had for someone with more experience and skills better than their own.

Eren was in love with Levi. He’d realized it some time ago already. He would be a real idiot if he hadn’t. He was watching the man all the time and he couldn’t stop imagining what would it be like if the corporal actually returned his feelings. In his dreams, Levi was touching him gently. They were looking into each other’s eyes passionately, sinking into each other’s souls. Levi would then pull Eren closer brushing his lips with his own…

Just this thought made Eren blush extremely. He leaned down trying to concentrate on his plate and the food on it. But it became completely impossible as he heard the voice of his object of affection calling his name.

“Eren.”

The boy rose his head hoping he looked normal while a shiver travelled down his body.

“Yes?” he answered.

“Hange wanted me to remind you about tomorrow’s experiment. It’ll take place earlier than usual, so I’ll also come to check on you about an hour earlier.”

He looked at the boy searching for a response. Eren’s green eyes had been caught by obsidian ones and for a moment, he almost drowned in them.

“I-I understand, sir!” Eren admitted.

“Hm. Good.”

It was obvious Levi wasn’t interested in him. Anyhow. Eren felt a little hurt. Quickly enough, he fought this feeling. It was perfectly normal after all, that his love found no answer. They were both males, one twice the age of the other. Many would say it was wrong. Despite all the reasons they shouldn’t be together – deadly treat outside the walls, their duties, everything else – Eren couldn’t hold his feelings back. Every day was bringing him pain but then, there were these moments, these short moments when he was able to be close to Levi and oh, just how much he did want it to last forever! He could even end up eaten by a titan. He didn’t mind, if it meant becoming Levi’s as well. Of course, he still desired to annihilate the titans. But now he had another goal settled, another desire anchored deep in his heart. A desire to be with Levi.

 

Despite he had said he would’ve came earlier, the corporal was late. Maybe some duties kept him busy longer or maybe he had forgotten… what was less likely to happen. Eren was sitting on his bed lost in thoughts about his love interest. When the doors finally opened rapidly, he almost jumped.

“Dammit, it’s late.”

What he saw surprised Eren. Levi wasn’t wearing his usual clothes, but black pants, red shirt and a long, black coat. As he noticed the wings of freedom on the coat’s sleeve, Eren realized it had to be some other version of the uniform.

“Damn Erwin forced me to try this on,” he touched the collar to let the boy know what he meant. “He should’ve done that himself. Old pervert.”

Eren nodded unconsciously, staring at the corporal. His flushed cheeks were about to betray him – he was sure about it. But he couldn’t help his blushing. Levi looked good. Damn good. Black and red suited him much more than the common outfit. It was adding an aura of mystery. He kind of regretted not being in Erwin’s place so maybe, maybe he would be able to see the corporal changing. The idea of Erwin watching Levi doing so, watching Levi naked gave him the feeling of jealous though. He did not want anyone to see the corporal in such state.

Levi frowned. “What is your problem, brat?”

Eren blinked. “Excuse me?”

Levi leaned down, they were closer now than they had ever been. Eren blushed even more, his entire body tensed. He knew all his efforts to keep his feelings in secret were now lost. Levi squinted.

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed. You’ve been staring at me all the damn time when I’m anywhere nearby. I suppose even when I’m not  near but you can see me from somewhere, you are staring too.”

Eren’s eyes widened in horror.

“Sir, I do not understand– ”

Levi harshly pulled him by his shirt. “Don’t you fucking dare to kid me. I know exactly what you’re up to, I just want to hear you speaking clearly,” he lowered his voice, it was so deep and dark now. Kin of sensual, even.

But Eren refused to talk, ashamed of himself. He turned his head back so that he wouldn’t have to look at Levi. They stayed like this for a moment, in perfect silence, each waiting for the other’s response.

“Hn. Is that so.”

Barely a whisper, something even less. Eren could’ve imagined these words as well. Levi let him go allowing to fall back down on the bed. When the boy had finally gathered enough courage to look up, the corporal was busy with locking the handcuffs around his wrists. Levi didn’t look at him anymore that night, nor did he let a single sound leave his mouth. After he’d finished, he turned back and with no hesitation, left the room.’

Eren’s heart and mind were shattered.

This night Levi’s fingers hadn’t touched him a single bit.

 

The man walked straight to his quarters, completely ignoring his subordinates who were stopping in their way to wherever where they going to salute him. The last thing he had in mind right now was talking to anyone, well, even noticing anyone.

 Levi slammed the door. He didn’t bother himself with lighting a lamp. He didn’t bother himself with doing anything but taking the chair and with a loud noise dragging it to the window. Then he sat down. Elbow on the windowsill, temple on his palm, he watched the night sky. Few seconds later the palm covered his eyes.

This was bad. He shouldn’t have acted like that. He shouldn’t have lost control over his feelings. On the other hand, maybe now the brat would stop acting so obviously. When he had seen Eren staring at him, his eyes sparkling with adoration… It was too much to take. And tonight, as he had entered Eren’s room, the boy looked even more attached to him even more.

But he was Levi – he had lost too many people in his life. He wouldn’t allow himself to feel anything towards anyone EVER again. And as it had already happened, there was no other choice left – he had to fight these feelings. No matter what.

Then again, the memory of Eren’s hurt face, the shock in his mind as he’d realized Levi had known… Oh, just how much he’d wanted to forget about everything! How much he’d wanted to pull Eren close and kiss him roughly, passionately, make him out of breath, make him beg for more…

His fist smashed the windowsill at the thought of what he’d wanted the most. What he still wanted. Dull pain ran through his entire arm completely unnoticed. It was wrong, so wrong to love him, to want him. He knew Eren would do everything for him – it reflected in his eyes and actions. Levi had way too many reasons to suppose the boy was dying from the aching desire to be someone more to his corporal. And Levi was dying too as he knew he couldn’t answer his call.

In the deadly silent, cold room one word echoed endlessly.

“Eren,” he whispered.