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dear all,

 

it's been a while right? i don't necessarily think i owe anyone an explanation, but maybe this will shut down any further speculation once and for all. 

if it wasn't clear when i deleted my bts blog, i have left the fandom, and i will no longer be writing taekook or bts anymore. that includes this story. some people might say that i promised i'd finish a story no matter how long it takes uwu!! and sure that might have been true, but that ignores all the context of my mental place, the environment in which i'm writing, and growing up. i was 17 when i made that promise. now im 21 and my life has changed, my opinions have changed, my tastes have changed, and more importantly, the audience has changed. 

when i wrote my first fic and posted on aff, all i wanted to do was write a story that had dialogue and a plot that went the way i wanted. i always read stories and wished the plot could have gone a different way, or had particular dialogue. so i thought hey, let me write my own story where i can have things exactly the way i want! after i posted it, i was floored by how well it was received. it was the first time i had written in maybe 5 years, after out-growing high school werewolf romance on wattpad at the age of 12. 

i continued to write because it became an escape, a place where things might go wrong, people might get hurt, but everything turns out alright in the end. the point of writing my stories was not to be perfectly realistic, but to portray the sort of magic of hope that i desperately wished for in my own life. it was the perfect escape, and i received nothing but love and support, and i'd never had that in my life before. this was the sort of validation that i could only dream of, and i got drunk off it. 

i became ambitious-- i wanted to write bigger, better stories. i wanted to improve my writing, incorporate more of the complexities of life and characters, i wanted to befriend other writers and bloggers, and bask in the praise and attention, because my 17-18 year old self craved that so desperately that looking back on it, it was kind of pathetic. i said things that i didn't mean. i was insensitive, and i hurt people. writing in the fandom became an obsession, an effort to control one aspect of my chaotic, unhinged real life, and my mental health spiraled out of control and i didn't have the strength to shut things down in the many opportunities that presented themselves. i tried my best to correct my behavior, to apologize where it was due, and improve myself while also trying to improve my writing. but that's never enough, because the internet does not forgive easily, and social media and anonymous functions make people feel brave. 

and then i noticed a shift. the people who were reading my stories, following me on my blog, their attitudes changed along with mine. people became harsher, more critical, more demanding and entitled. i became terrified, because the place that had once been my solace, was now full of anxiety and fear of rejection, of criticism. i began to doubt myself and my writing. i can't begin to count the times when i would go to my fandom friends in complete distress over mean comments on tumblr and on twitter. it didn't make sense to me. why did people seem to hate me so much? what had i done to incur so much wrath in a fandom by many people who didn't even know me? 

these were the things that i would ruminate over for years, ultimately leading to hitting rock bottom in my real life, because the fine line between a creative outlet and my mental health had been completely blurred. for many reasons, i felt completely isolated and ostracized from other writers and from the reading community that had initially been so welcoming to me, and had once been my home. i tried my best to change myself. maybe if i was more polite, maybe if i was more hypercritical of the way i was writing my characters and the stories, people would like me. people would accept me. people wouldn't be so harsh on social media. i became fearful, second guessing every single word i typed in a story or in an anon ask, hoping that my words wouldn't be twisted out of proportion and taken out of context. 

then, i became angry. why did people have to fixate on me so much? what about me made so many people so angry? why were they always so intent on misunderstanding me? how could they demand so much of me, and yet despise me at the same time? they claimed to have supported me, but were quick to change their minds when i wrote things they didn't like (and not because they were problematic, but because my ideas didn't fall in line with theirs). people became unbelievably entitled, acting as though they owned my stories, my ideas, and constantly questioned my creative license at every step and turn. i was so so so bitter, even writing this i feel that residual hatred and distress that i felt back then. and my anger (which clearly showed itself through the way i would respond to unwarranted criticisms) became yet another "reason" for people to hate me. because they could be rude and entitled, but i wasn't allowed to be straight-forward and blunt in response. 

so then, i gave up. every source of enjoyment that i initially gained through writing taekook just completely drained away. i felt like a shell. i was exhausted from trying not to let everything get to me and affect my real life too much, because even in that area of life i was facing an immeasurable amount of stress. this wasn't supposed to happen. this is just fan fiction. a stupid 17 year old with lofty ideas about romance and a love for 7 boys. that's all it was supposed to be. but then things became too serious. too many people became too involved and we all forgot that these are just words typed online, that i don't know you, and you certainly don't know me. why was everyone taking this so seriously? it was never supposed to be that way. i should be able to read comments on my stories without the fear of mean ones. my heart shouldn't start racing when i get a message notification on tumblr because im relatively certain it's going to be hate/harassment. i should have been able to go on twitter, make friends, interact with others. but for some reason, this all became much bigger than i had intended, and it drained me. that love that i had for writing, for bangtan, for the fandom, was shattered. 

and so for about a year, i couldn't write. it terrified me. this was what i had become. and when i found the courage to post a new chapter to this story, after all that time, i felt like i'd been shot down all over again. i felt like i had to drag myself to write and to post anything. it was painful and i hated myself for letting all of this affect me so much, because it was never supposed to be serious. i felt childish for letting hate get to me, but then i was reminded that i am a human, even though it seemed like the audience had forgotten that (or refused to acknowledge it). it all built up and eventually at the beginning of the year i decided to take a hiatus from that-jeon-guy, because i had  been so deeply embroiled in this fandom for three and a half years at that point. i hoped that much-needed space would help me gain perspective. and it did. 

this is all too much. my young adult life is too short, too fleeting to be spending all this time in a community that only brings me pain and stress. i have so many ideas, so much hope, so much excitement, and staying here is like putting a wet cloth over a flame. after 4 years, i'd realized that this is not where i belong, i hadn't been welcome here in a long time so i need to stop trying and hoping and wishing. i've found a place where i feel like i can renew that love for writing and stories, because i have so many that i want to tell. after my hiatus, i realized that there's so much i want to do, but it's not going to happen here. it hadn't been happening for a while, but i didn't want to admit it to myself. 

when i posted my authors note on the werewolf fic before i deleted it, and saw the reception, it was a confirmation to myself. i don't belong here. there is too much negativity following my stories. and being told how people were reacting on social media was that final nail in the coffin. people were questioning whether a writer should be "allowed" to repurpose their stories, as though they had a say in what a writer does with their content, as though i owe strangers on the internet anything at all, as though their opinion counts towards how i personally felt about my stories. as though they had somehow contributed to my life in a way that makes me indebted to them. (full offense, but if jk rowling decided one day she wanted to turn harry potter into twilight fanfic, that's her right! no one gets to make that decision for her! certainly not internet strangers. and so if a nobody on the internet decides to take a shitty fan fic down for whatever reason, that is their RIGHT.) there was all sorts of petty, entitled, childish, ridiculous crap that just made everything crystal clear, all at once. so in the words of johnny nash, i can see clearly now, the rain is gone. 

so as a new chapter opens up for me, i have to close the previous one. and to all the people who hated me and my stories and wanted me gone, congratulations, i guess. you did it, gold star! it seems all your hard work has finally paid off. i'd like to implore you to find a hobby that doesn't include projecting insecurities and anger onto strangers. i hope one day you can create something instead of tear down. from personal experience, i promise that it's a lot more fulfilling, and you will feel better about yourself. i've found my peace, and i hope you find yours. i'm starting to grow up and see the bigger picture. mine doesn't include you, and yours shouldn't include me either. your efforts and resilience could be utilized for far more productive things. 

looking back, i can't find myself to regret this rather unnecessarily tumultuous path that i've taken over the last four years. i learned a lot of life lessons, and more about people and how my behavior affects others. i grew a lot, my perspective has changed, and i will try to be better and improve myself while also being unapologetic about what i love and what i create. i will leave my current stories up on this account (orphaning my works takes away my right to take them down, and i want to have that control in case ten years down the line i think wow, that was kinda embarrassing, and decide to remove my fics). in case it wasn't clear, stop my heart will be discontinued. i will not be writing taekook anymore. i hope this will eliminate any questions about updates. 

i ask that whatever negative emotions you may feel towards my decisions and just me in general (wild, considering people don't actually know who i am as a person?) can be kept away from any stories i post in the future, for whatever fandom. i thought a year and a half of not properly writing would give people time to cool off and deem me irrelevant once and for all, but the werewolf fic debacle proved me wrong. so i ask that whatever you feel be kept away from whatever i do in the future. i know this may seem harsh, but i do not care about your shitty opinions. i hope that you stop caring about me and that you let this go, because it's not worth it. it has never been worth it, and it continue to be the same in the future. i am a nobody, and what i do should not appear on your radar, so please let me have my peace. please do not go on my blog to try and talk about bts or taekook or anything similar, i do not want to hear it. and if this appeal to your sympathy doesn't register, please know that i will block. it's nothing personal, and it never has been, so please stop acting like it. 

i will not apologize, because i stand by my decision. it has been a long time coming, and it is my right as the author, the sole creator of this content, to make decisions, without other people's input.

thank you to everyone who supported me in the last four years, sent me nice messages and comments. they fueled me for a long time, and i will always be thankful for that. there have been a lot of fantastic moments in the fandom, and i will treasure those and look on them fondly. as i move forward, i will try my best to be happier and do things better. i hope you all will be happy too.