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Dear Cas

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Dear Cas,

I can't believe I've lost you, I never thought it would happen again.

I'm sitting here in our meadow with Miracle, yes Miracle, a beautiful gorgeous blonde. DOG. I found a dog, and I've kept him, can you believe it? Whowouldathunkit? He's living in the bunker with me and Sammy. Yes, I let him sit in the Impala, no not in the trunk Cas! How could you think that?

You would love him, you really would. He's no Scooby-Doo of course, but he's still really cool. I could just imagine how much he would love you, and you him. He is 100% better than the Snake!
You got a little jealous at first, didn't you? All jokes aside, I'm going to tone it down. I know you find me hilarious and devastatingly handsome, but I need to be serious Cas. Come on!

Whew. Okay. How can writing a letter be so nerve-wracking?

Jack became everything you said he would, you were right man. You were so right. It's a long story and I keep hoping that I'll be able to tell you in person. But I'll say this, Lucifer is gone for good. Daddy's boy Michael is gone too. I haven't seen Adam, so not sure what happened there. Chuck has been defeated and Jack is now filling in.
I keep praying to him over and over, begging him to bring you back, but he doesn't have his ears on, or he can't? He said he wasn't going to be hands on. I don't think I'll give up hope just yet though.
It hurts so bad to know you're in the empty, I think about you constantly, and I'm so sorry I took you for granted and didn't tell you how I felt about things, anything, everything, all things. I am going insane knowing you're there by yourself in that horrible nothingness.

I found your letter and I just, I mean, I hope you know that I do love you too. I do, I always have, I just couldn't admit it to myself or to you. To be honest, I hid a lot of my feelings about who I really am and how I really feel when it comes down to it. You're right, I could never tell anyone I loved them. I've denied feelings, and covered them up with sarcasm or a change of the subject or jokes.That was a dick move and unfair to everyone.

The things you said to me in the bunker filled my heart, then broke it in a matter of minutes. Everything happened so fast, Billie got in, and the empty took you. I didn't get a chance to tell you I love you too. I really regret it. You deserved to hear it, to be told. And I was speechless.

I didn't know how you felt. I must be the biggest oblivious asshat in history.
When we were in purgatory and I prayed to you, I was thinking it the whole time, and I worked up the courage and was going to tell you, but you stopped me and said you heard my prayer. I thought you understood everything I prayed out loud, and what I was thinking, the part of the prayer I didn't say out loud. I was screaming in my head I need you and I love you. I was lost without you and I panicked. It sounds like I'm using you as an excuse, and I'm not. I should have said it anyway.

After purgatory, you never said anything about it, you never mentioned my prayer, so I thought you were trying to not hurt my feelings by telling me that you care about me, but not in the same way. I thought Angel and human feelings were different. With Anna it was just sex. Meaningless sex, but you, it was, I mean you had to have known, we were more. Chuck didn't make us feel the way we did. You were right again, WE WERE REAL. You were never meant to be in his story. You really did rebel, and you made Team Free Will a thing.

I felt like you've been becoming more and more human than angel over the years. Is that why your powers were failing?

Were you losing your angel powers because you were becoming human?

Because you loved me?

I'm trying to be strong. It's hard man. So much seems meaningless without you here. Sam and Miracle are here, sure, but I feel like my whole heart is gone. Everywhere I turn there's memories of you. I feel tired. I feel like I'm done. I'm not afraid of dying, when it's my time I'll be ready. I'm not going to do anything stupid or Winchester stupid as Merle said. If I make it upstairs you can bet I'm going to look for some kind of secret adjacent door to the empty and come save your feathery ass. If I go downstairs well, you know I'm in pretty good with The Queen. Haha. Auntie Rowena. Either way I'll have good company and I think it will bring me closer back to you. Maybe get through to Jack.

I think Sammy has grown into a leader, and a far better hunter than me. I think, I think he is going be ok, I'm pretty sure him and Eileen are going to want to leave the bunker and make a life together ya know? Make me an Uncle many times over.
I'm not sure if I want to be at the bunker alone.

Maybe I'll build a house right here?

Maybe Jody and the girls will move into the bunker? Bobby #2?
Gather up the hunters in the area, train some new hunters?

When I think about the things you and I shared and did privately, it sends shivers down my spine, Cas. The touch of your hands on my face, the intensity in your eyes, your strong arms around me, giving me genuine hugs.
And you know I wuv hugs.

Sorry.

You've always made me feel like I mattered, like I'm your favorite person, you've always been so trusting of me, you only did things for my benefit, always there to heal me and protect me. Even if it wasn't the best way to go about things, and you did, you did care about the whole world, but I think that was of your own volition. You helped countless people be and angels before me. If it weren't for your loving nature, I don't think you would have stayed with us or saved me to begin with. You could have left and had nothing more to do with us after you're assignment was over. You could've left at any given time after your assignment to me went in the crapper.

I still can't believe Sammy and me finally made it. Finally free, but I don't feel it. I'm trapped in my heart. It struggles to beat through a crushing, overwhelming weight. It's caged.
You should be here!

YOU
ME
SAMMY
Beach!!
Drinks with umbrellas in them!!
Matching shirts!!
Toes in the sand!!

Sam is trying to distract me and he's finding some cases. He's really trying. He's my baby brother and I love him, but I love you too and I really need you. It's just not the same.
I carved your name on the library table. Jacks too, we didn't put dad's on it. He seems to be part of a different chapter in our lives. Not there at the bunker. Our family became Sammy you, Jack and me. We were a family, we had a kid. He grew up great, he grew up good. That's because of you. You never stopped believing he was good, you never gave up on him. You taught him how to be a caring, unselfish, giving, understanding person. You did that. You shaped him into how to be freaking God man. God. You became a father Cas. You became more human than an actual human. I miss you so
damn much man.

I didn't have any ashes, but I'm in the right spot, right by the windmill.

Gonna be professional here:

I'm burying

1.One of your blue ties
2. My tombstones DVD
3. The mixtape I made you of LedZepp (I found it in your truck.)
4. One of your angel blades in case you need one for when you get back.
5. Your Special Agent Cardi.B FBI badge. (keeping the beyoncé and lizzo ones, their Aces!)
6. A milky way candy bar
7. A beer (sorry if it's warm or hot
8. This letter
9. Fully charged burner phone with all the important numbers in it
10. And finally, My spare set of keys to Baby. I'm so sorry I never let you drive her.

Consider those more valuable than any pendant, ring, or good luck charm!

Cas, thank you, it was YOU that saved me, first from Hell and then from myself. Many, many times. Along with ALL 0the other times you saved my life or kept me from harms way. Sammy's too, you found Jack. You saved him from that Grigory. If it weren't for that or you sacrificing yourself to the empty, we would all be dead. Everybody. Chuck, that crazy son of a bitch, he wiped out everybody the entire planet. Jack brought everyone back. You know, he prayed to you too. He lost you because of me. I can't describe how horrible it made me feel to tell him and Sammy you sacrificed yourself for me.

I have a feeling you will get to read this letter. I promise you Cas, I won't let you stop me next time I see you. I love you, you're my whole heart and soul. I feel like a walking talking hollow meat suit most of the time. (Please don't tell Sammy,
It'll hurt his feelings.) You understand?

In conclusion,

I love you back. I love you too you idiot!
I LOVE YOU!!
We will find a way to get you back home to me, I'm waiting for you.
I'm rambling.

Turning this into a chick flick. The longest Hallmark card ever, and I just know I missed some things I wanted to say. Don't worry though, I'll keep coming back here. This place will get sick of me.
Leaving this letter makes me feel like I'm losing you all over again.
I hope some if this makes sense.

Ok Cas, I'll see you when I see you,

Love Dean.

...And my blonde babe Miracle

X