Spider-Man was not always half-spider, half-man.
But if you really want to see Uncle Ben get murdered again, just rewatch the 2002 film Spider-Man (directed by Sam Raimi), because this is not an origin story. This is the tale of how Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield escaped from actual cannibal Elizabeth II, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of her other realms and territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith.
Deep in the avocado jungle, Andrew’s ex-wife Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II loudly cackled and then transformed into her true form: an emerald green dinosaur with razor-sharp teeth. Andrew Garfield, Tahani Al-Jamil, and Harry Osborn geared up to fight her, while Tobey Maguire collapsed onto the ground, sobbing. How had he let this happen? How had he been so irresponsible? How could he have possibly let his boyfriends, Frank Iero and Gerard Way, get captured by the cannibalistic Piranha Women in the avocado jungle of death?
After all, Tobey wasn’t even supposed to be here. It was Tuesday, and it was illegal to commit a crime on a Tuesday, according to the natural laws of the universe. If the Piranha Women hadn’t found a way around that by having Rebecca Black declare every day to be FRY-EEEEEEEEEEE-DAY, he would still be at Gerard’s house, eating leftover ramen and hiding from his landlord. As it was, he, Andrew, Harry, and Tahani had already convinced the Piranha Women not to eat them and to instead feast on a man who was nearly worse than Jeff Bezos: the weed-smoking, anti-union, self-obsessed capitalist Elon Musk. Now, they just had to get their ancient reptilian leader to free the members of My Chemical Romance and leave them alone.
The Queen roared and lumbered toward her ex-husband, while Andrew aimed his web shooters at the dinosaur. “DIE, YOU SPIDERY SCUM!” the Queen screeched.
“Jurassic times call for Jurassic measures,” Andrew muttered before shooting web after web at her, but all they did was slow her down.
The Queen then leaned close to Tahani and opened up her jaws, letting out a massive roar. However, Tahani borrowed a shield from one of the Piranha Women, and she managed to defend herself against the monstrous tyrannosaur.
Elizabeth II turned back to Andrew and tried to bite off his appendages, but he used his Spider-Sense to dodge her before webbing up her tiny little arms. While the Queen was distracted, Tobey finally climbed up off the ground, knowing exactly what he had to do.
He had to rescue My Chemical Romance.
Tobey leapt toward the cauldron the Queen had set up for Gerard and shot a web inside, but the boiling hot water dissolved the webbing before it could latch onto Gerard. He then reached into the pot, grabbed onto his boyfriend, and lifted him out. “Tobes,” Gerard said as he fell into Tobey’s arms. “The Queen of England may be beautiful, but the only hope for me is you alone.”
“Hey, can you help us out over here?” Frank said as he, Mikey, and Ray Torgo struggled to break free from their restraints. “And Gee, why the fuck are you attracted to the Queen of England?”
“Because she’s hot,” the lead singer/comic book writer/coffee addict/wannabe vampire responded.
“No, she’s not,” the pint-sized guitarist/dog lover/Twitter roast machine/actual vampire said.
“Don’t worry, Frankie. You’re far more beautiful than the Queen will ever be,” Gerard said as he and Tobey untied the rope that was holding down Frank, Torgo, and Mikey.
“Tobey!” Andrew Garfield whined as soon as the members of My Chemical Romance were free. “I’m out of web again!”
Tobey sighed and then shot a web toward the Queen of England, sticking her to a nearby avocado tree. The dinosaur roared and waved her useless, teensy-weensy arms around, but Tobey was sure that the webbing wouldn’t hold her for long. He shot a web upwards and then hung upside down from an avocado tree, letting all of the blood in his body rush toward his brain. After all, Tobey desperately needed to think of a better plan if he was going to defeat Elizabeth II for good.
All of a sudden, hundreds of women rushed toward the Queen of England, armed with pitchforks, flamethrowers, bazookas, harpoon guns, catapults, boomerangs, and spiky red echidnas. “Who are they?” Frank asked as the small army attacked Elizabeth II and the Piranha Women.
“I don’t know,” Tobey answered, still hanging upside down as he concocted a plan.
That was when a teen pop sensation with a very obvious blonde wig waltzed onto the scene and turned toward the Queen of England. “What, you egg!” she said before stabbing her with a ginormous dagger. As Elizabeth II flopped onto the ground, writing in pain, the famous pop star sang, “You get the best of both worlds, chill it out, take it slow, then you rock out the show…”
“Oh, it’s my good friend Hannah Montana!” Tahani said.
“Hi Tahani,” Hannah said.
“I’m confused,” Mikey said. “What’s going on?”
“Hannah is the leader of the Barracuda Women,” Tahani explained.
Hannah laughed and then said, “Actually, I’m just the second-in-command, in charge of making sure that the Barracuda Women get the best of both worlds.”
“What does that mean?” Torgo asked.
“Well, it’s both Tuesday and not-Tuesday, and as Barracuda Women we get the best of both worlds,” Hannah explained. “Just like on Tuesdays, motor vehicle accidents are less common compared to other days of the week - always make sure to look both ways, kids!”
Tobey and Andrew, having never looked both ways while crossing the street since their respective radioactive spider bites, felt very called out by this.
“And just like on days other than Tuesday, it’s legal to commit crimes!”
“You know, it would be a lot easier if you just declared that every day was Friday,” Rebecca Black said suddenly. “Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday…”
Hannah Montana whacked Rebecca Black over the head with a bowl of cereal, Torgo worried that it would be dark soon, and Gerard stared at his arachnidian boyfriend, his inner goddess going all catawampus every time he saw that Spidey mask. Amongst all of this chaos, Mikey asked, “So who are the Barracuda Women anyways?”
“We are the sworn enemies of the Piranha Women,” Hannah said as it suddenly began to rain. “Long ago, the Piranha Women and the Barracuda women were as one, but we split over ideological differences.”
“What were they?” Mikey asked, mostly trying to ignore the fact that his older brother had just lifted Tobey’s mask, a near certain indicator that the love spiders were about to kiss upside-down in the rain.
“The Piranha Women believe that men should be slaughtered and eaten with guacamole dip,” Hannah said, disgusted.
“And you think that’s wrong?” Mikey said, still completely disregarding Gerard and Tobey’s excessive PDA.
“Yes!” Hannah Montana exclaimed. “We believe they should be eaten with clam dip.”
Before Mikey could say anything about how this was a ridiculous rationale for an all-out war against the Piranha Women, Hannah suddenly froze. “The Barracuda Queen is here.”
“There’s a Barracuda Queen?” Mikey said.
Andrew shuddered and said, “I hope she’s not another one of my exes.”
All of a sudden, a redheaded young woman stepped out from the shadows and looked straight at the older and more emo of the two Spider-Men. “Why Tobey,” she said. “You move on fast.”
As much as he wanted to continue their impromptu upside-down makeout session, Tobey suddenly pulled away from Gerard. “MJ?” he said.
“And that’s our kiss, Tiger!” MJ complained as Tobey pulled his mask back over his face, wishing that he could disappear.
“Good afternoon, Your Majesty Queen Mary Jane Watson of the Avocado Jungle, Head of the Barracudas, Defender of the Clam Dip,” Hannah Montana said. “We’ve defeated the Piranha Women for you.”
“Oh, wonderful. What are all of these men doing here?”
“Tobey, Andrew, and Harry were here to fight the Piranha Women, but the rich vampires…”
“We’re not rich!” Gerard interrupted.
“Just vampires!” Frank added.
“...they were prisoners of the Piranha Women,” Hannah Montana finished. “Your Majesty, I suggest that we take some hostages. You know, just to mess with those guacamole-eating abominations.”
MJ thought about it for a while before turning toward the Spider-Men and their allies. “Actually, I only want one hostage,” she said. “Tobey Maguire.”
“NO!” Gerard shouted, both him and Frank clinging onto Tobey.
“If you want Tobey, you’ll have to go through us!” Frank exclaimed, his miniscule body shielding Tobey from his ex-girlfriend.
“You’ll never take him alive!” Gerard shouted.
“I’ll blow a hole in this town if you do!” Frank exclaimed. “Or I’ll shoot you full of ephedrine! Or I’ll unleash my 31531831587542 dogs on you! Or I’ll make Gerard break into your house and suck your blood!”
“Save yourself, Tobes,” Gerard said. “We’ll hold her back.”
That was when Tobey said, “No. I’ll go. I’ll sacrifice myself.”
“WHAT?!” Frank shrieked.
“Why do you even want him?” Gerard asked Mary Jane. “He’s just your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.”
“I have my reasons,” MJ said.
Gerard then turned back to his boyfriend. “Tobey, you can’t do this. I...I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“The Barracuda Women might eat you if I don’t sacrifice myself,” Tobey said tearfully. “You shouldn’t have to pay for my mistakes, Gee.”
“It’s settled,” MJ said. “Let’s go, Tiger.”
For a moment, Tobey considered fighting back, but when MJ handed him a box full of pizza, all he could think of was how lucky he was to be in the presence of such a blessed food. “Pizza time,” he said, his eyes filled with delight.
As Tobey stared at his perfect pizza pie, Mary Jane pulled off his mask, punched him in the face, stole his rent money, and then sprayed him with bug spray. Once Tobey blacked out, MJ dragged him away, and Gerard, Frank, Mikey, Torgo, Tahani, Andrew, Harry, and all of the Piranha Women were finally free to leave the avocado jungle of death.
When Tobey opened his eyes again, he was lying in the middle of the Barracuda Women’s stronghold, chained to the floor and completely powerless, thanks to his allergy to bug spray.
At least this was better than the Spider-Man buffet.
Tobey looked up, and Mary Jane was standing over him, a smile on her face as she said, “You know what I want from you, right Tiger?”
Tobey sighed. “You’re going to have sex with me, kill me, and then eat me with clam dip.” MJ immediately nodded, and Tobey bawled his eyes out. Again. “I just wish I got to say goodbye to Gerard and Frank…”
“Why them of all people?” MJ asked. “They don’t seem like your type.”
“I’ve loved My Chemical Romance ever since I became Spider-Man,” Tobey said as he tried to shoot a web upward, but only a thin strand of silk squirted out from his wrist. “Their music’s good for web-slinging.”
“Yeah, but a superhero and not one, but two emo band members?” MJ said. “Doesn’t that seem a bit odd to you?”
Tobey had a faraway look in his eyes as he dreamed of the two men he loved most, the two men he might never see again unless he escaped from this avocado hellscape. “No, not really,” Tobey said. “We have a lot in common, the three of us. We all like comic books and pizza and shopping at CVS - actually, that’s how I met Gerard…”
“That’s an objectively weird way to meet someone.”
“Maybe a little,” Tobey admitted. “Anyways, I was at CVS one day, looking for a spool of thread so that I could fix my Spider Suit, and Gee tripped over his shoelaces, and he fell right into my arms, and...well...he was a man, I was a spider. Can I make it any more obvious?” Tobey paused and then added, “I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone quite like Gerard. He’s an artist, a storyteller, a genius…”
“You’re a genius.”
Tobey shook his head. “No. Not like him,” he said. “But more importantly, he loves me for who I am, no matter what. He even likes my emo dance!”
“That’s impossible,” MJ snarked, but Tobey paid her no attention.
“But Gerard was also in love with Frank, his best friend and bandmate, so we decided to let him into our relationship. It was hard at first - Frank’s deathly afraid of spiders, and he hates Spider-Man - but all I wanted was for Gerard to be happy. And then, over time, I fell for Frank too. He’s passionate, headstrong, and the most chaotic person I know, but he’s also fiercely loyal. He even got a tattoo of me.”
“Well, he got my name wrong, but I love him anyways. Both Frank and Gerard mean the world to me.”
Tobey tried to shoot web again, and this time, it worked. The insect repellent had worn off, and his powers were back. He latched a web onto a nearby avocado tree, and he was about to swing away…
All of a sudden, Mary Jane sprayed him with bug spray, and Tobey collapsed back onto the ground. “You’re not going anywhere, Tiger.”
“S-sorry,” Tobey stammered. “So...uhh...how did you become the Queen of the Barracuda Women?”
“All my life, I’ve been harmed by men and the patriarchy. All my life, I’ve been looked down upon simply because I’m a woman. All my life, I’ve been dependent on the men in my life to save me from the nothing I’ve become.”
“That’s not true,” Tobey said. “I was always good to you.”
“We weren’t very good for each other, Tiger,” MJ said. “And how many times have I been kidnapped by a supervillain, just to be your damsel in distress?”
“So after you and I broke up for the last time, I decided to become a liberated woman,” MJ said. “I joined the Piranha Women, and I swore to kill and eat every man on Earth. For a while, I was free, but then, Queen Elizabeth II arrived, and she wouldn’t shut up about Andrew Garfield. She even said that he was a better Spider-Man than you! Anyways, I was sick of both her and her guacamole…”
“How can you be sick of guacamole?” Tobey asked, but MJ didn’t answer.
“...so I left the Piranha Women, along with about half the tribe, and we founded the Barracuda Women, sworn enemies of the Piranha Women. I’ve been the Barracuda Queen ever since.”
“MJ!” Hannah Montana suddenly shouted. “WHY HAVEN’T YOU EATEN TOBEY YET?!”
Mary Jane looked back toward her ex-boyfriend, helplessly lying on the ground. She knew what she had to do, but she didn’t think she had the strength to do it. Maybe she wasn’t cut out for cannibalism. Maybe she was never supposed to be a Barracuda Woman at all.
Or maybe the Barracuda Woman and the Piranha Women were wrong. Maybe cannibalism wouldn’t dismantle the patriarchy. Maybe she was just continuing an endless cycle of gendered violence. Maybe she was just another cog in the murder machine.
There had to be another way.
Meanwhile, near the edge of the avocado jungle, the Piranha Women, now without a queen, chanted, “EAT ELON MUSK! EAT ELON MUSK! EAT ELON MUSK!”
Tahani and Torgo walked alongside the Piranha Women, hand in unlovable hand. “Really, I don’t think I should be a billionaire anymore,” Tahani said to her husband. “I’m going to donate everything to Goodwill.”
“That’s great, Tahani,” Torgo said as he adjusted his hat. “We’ll go to the one in Cheesequake, New Jersey after we get home.”
“Sounds rad,” Frank interjected.
“No, I’m not talking about the thrift store,” Tahani said. “Goodwill is what I call Prince William. Since he married a commoner, I assume he knows some needy people my money could go to.”
As Torgo gave Tahani a strange look, Harry said, “I like the idea of giving away my wealth, Tahani. Maybe I’ll donate to the Jay Gatsby Foundation.”
“The Jay Gatsby Foundation!” Tahani exclaimed. “You know, Harry, I hosted a gala for them once, and it was a smashing success if I do say so myself.”
“I know,” Harry said. “I was there, along with Jane Austen, Ludwig van Beethoven, Neil Breen, and Willy Wonka.”
As Tahani and Torgo kept on talking, Frank and Gerard complained about how much they already missed their web-slinging boyfriend, while Mikey just continued walking, completely stone-faced, although knowing him, he was probably thinking about the love of his life, Toasty McToasterFace.
“Andrew,” Harry said suddenly, and when the amazing Spider-Man turned toward him, there was a nasty rash on his neck, and he was looking rather green. “I don’t feel so good.”
“What’s wrong?” Andrew asked.
“I think it’s just the goblinovirus again,” Harry said. “I’m tired, my neck hurts, and I feel a sudden urge to break into an Oscorp lab and inject myself with an experimental serum in order to gain superhuman abilities…”
“It’s going to be okay, Harry. I promise,” Andrew said. “By the way, I’ve been thinking about earlier today…”
“Yeah, me too.”
“Like, a lot.”
Harry thought back to earlier that day, when Andrew had so bravely rescued him from the Piranha Women. “Listen, Andrew,” he said. “The kiss...it was a heat of the moment thing. I was just feeling it.”
“That’s what I used to say about kissing Frankie,” Gerard said. “You know, before I was ready to admit that I was in love with him.”
“Stay out of this, Gerard,” Harry said before he turned back to his brokenhearted best friend. “Andrew, I’m dying. I can’t commit to a relationship right now, and I am not going to make you go through the pain of losing me.”
“I understand,” Andrew said, but in reality, he was crushed.
“We can still be friends,” Harry said.
“Of course. You’re my best pal,” Andrew said as they approached the edge of the avocado jungle, where the avocado trees gave way to the bustling streets of New York City.
“EAT ELON MUSK! EAT ELON MUSK! EAT ELON MUSK!” the Piranha Women chanted as they marched toward the Oscorp Tower. Tahani, Harry, Andrew, Torgo, Mikey, and Frank marched alongside them, but Gerard refused to leave the avocado jungle.
“Gee?” Frank asked. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m not leaving without Tobey,” Gerard said.
“If he hasn’t defeated the Barracuda Women by now, I don’t think he’s coming back,” Mikey said.
“He’s never coming home,” Torgo added.
“We can’t give up yet,” Gerard said. “We should rescue him.”
“Rescue Tobey?” Frank said. “But how?”
“Yeah, Gerard,” Andrew said. “You got any bright ideas?”
“I got a few, yeah!” Gerard said.
They squabbled for a while longer, but soon, everyone agreed to go back into the avocado jungle of death. They were going to come and rescue Tobey, and they were ready for a firefight.
Back at the Barracuda Women’s stronghold, the cannibals were starving when they looked at Tobey Maguire. As her stomach rumbled, Hannah Montana glared at the red-haired queen and said, “Seriously, MJ. If you don’t eat him, then I will.”
Mary Jane, however, was lost in thought, dreaming of all of the ways to become a liberated woman. She could give wise advice like Aunt May, she could rule the 21st most populous nation in the world despite being an actual dinosaur like Elizabeth II, she could make popcorn like Creedence Leonore Gielgud. She could do anything she set her mind to. She was the ultimate girlboss.
“I don’t think I want to be a cannibal anymore,” MJ said.
“Well, everybody makes mistakes,” Hannah said. “Everybody has those days.”
“I mean it.”
“But MJ! You’re a Barracuda Woman! Half of our mission statement is about eating Tobey Maguire!” Hannah exclaimed. She then pulled out the mission statement, an ancient and weathered scroll, and began to read. “The Barracuda Women aim to eliminate the dirty pigs known as men from our society, starting with Mary Jane Watson’s pathetic, wretched, disgusting ex-boyfriend, the wallcrawling menace known as Tobias Vincent Maguire. He shall be roasted, grilled, fried, baked, steamed, broiled, braised, stewed, and served with clam dip, the holiest of condiments…”
“You heard what I said, Hannah. I don’t want to eat Tobey. I don’t even want to be a Barracuda Woman anymore.”
Hannah gasped. “But you can’t get the best of both worlds if you’re not a Barracuda Woman!”
“I am really hungry right now though…”
“Well, the Piranha Women are about to eat Elon Musk,” Tobey said.
“I’ve got it,” MJ said. “I’ll eat Elon Musk, and then I’ll leave cannibalism behind forever.”
Tobey wasn’t quite sure how to react - he didn’t particularly approve of murder, but he also didn’t approve of littering space with Teslas - but when MJ removed his chains, he was finally free. He could go back to Frank and Gerard and leave the avocado jungle forever.
That was when both of Tobey’s boyfriends leapt into the stronghold, wielding gigantic machine guns. “My gun fires seven different shades of shit,” Gerard said to MJ as he aimed his weapon at her. “So what's your favorite color, punk?”
Before Mary Jane could say or do anything, Frank ran toward her, his stubby little legs almost moving faster than Sonic the Hedgehog’s. He then shot at MJ and missed, but the Barracuda Queen took the opportunity to pull the guitar-playing New Jerseyan bloodsucker into a headlock. Frank tried to fight back, but it was no use. As he repeatedly poked MJ’s spleen, the redheaded girlboss punched him in the face, sending him flying across the fortress.
“Hey! Stop fighting!” Tobey shouted as he shot a web onto both of them. “MJ doesn’t even want to be a cannibal anymore!”
“Wait, what?” Frank said, genuinely confused.
“It’s true,” MJ said.
“And MJ, how were you able to beat up Frank? He’s a vampire, you know.”
“Uhh...you know...workout, plenty of rest, eat a healthy side of green vegetables with your human flesh…” Tobey gave her an incredulous look, but MJ ignored him and turned to the rest of the Barracuda Women. “Follow me, my loyal subjects. We’re going to eat Elon Musk.”
“EAT ELON MUSK! EAT ELON MUSK! EAT ELON MUSK!” the Barracuda Women chanted as they marched alongside the Piranha Women out of the avocado jungle of death and into New York City.
Meanwhile, on the sixty-ninth floor of Oscorp Tower, the board of directors was holding yet another meeting to brainstorm ways to synergize their profits and continually transform proactive catalysts for change, whatever that meant. As usual, Smaug was dreaming of his mountain of gold, and the Once-ler was dreaming of Thneeds, but something was very wrong.
Maybe it was because Elon Musk had invited his boyfriend to the board meeting.
“It’s not fair, Elon,” Jeff Bezos whined. “I want to go to the moon.”
“Maybe you can once you get your spaceship into orbit,” Elon said.
“I’d rather orbit around you.”
Elon smiled. “Honestly, the moon’s not that important. It’s just a stepping stone to a city on Mars, where Dogecoin will be the only true currency and the Piranha Women will serve as my indentured servants.” Elon paused to admire his demonic boyfriend. “Or even better, I could go on a mission to explore Uranus.”
“You’re out of this world, you elongated muskrat.”
“Oh, you know how I love astronomy puns. Almost as much as exploiting the poor, helpless workers at my Tesla factory.”
Jeff pressed his lips to Elon’s, and as the two billionaires made out in the middle of the board meeting, the Once-ler coughed loudly to express his discomfort. “Uhhh...don’t we have some assets to liquidate?”
Elon Musk moaned. “The only assets I want liquidated…”
“Don't you dare finish that sentence! Don't do it! I'm sick of it!” the Once-ler shouted. “This is worse than Oncest! You made something worse than Tumblr shipping me with my pathetic non-billionaire former self! Can’t I just go back to being a pair of disembodied arms in a Dr. Seuss book?!”
The Once-ler looked to Smaug, hoping that the dragon might help him get the meeting back on track, but instead, Smaug stared out the window, where a human spider had spontaneously appeared, clinging to the glass like a hesitant alien. However, just as Smaug stepped toward the window, the spectacular Spider-Man smashed the glass and then backflipped into the room, striking a violent pose as he landed on the table.
“I’m gonna put some dirt in your eye,” Tobey said to the enormous dragon, but Smaug got his sweet revenge by breathing fire all over him. In response, Tobey made a makeshift shield out of webbing, deflecting the flames back onto Smaug before he leapt away. He then ran over to one of Elon Musk’s electric cars, and with all of his might, he hurled it toward Smaug.
“NOOOOOOO! NOT MY TESLA!” Elon Musk screamed as the car hit Smaug on the head, causing the dragon to fall onto the ground, unconscious.
“Don’t worry, babe,” Jeff Bezos said. “I’ll destroy this Spider-Man, just like I’ve destroyed the environment, countless small businesses, and the lives of my employees.”
That was when Frank, Gerard, Mikey, Torgo, Tahani, Andrew, Harry, Mary Jane, Hannah, Rebecca, all of the Piranha Women, and all of the Barracuda Women stormed into the conference room. “It’s Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday,” Rebecca sang. “Oh, wait. Jeff Bezos is here.”
“EAT JEFF BEZOS! EAT ELON MUSK! EAT JEFF BEZOS! EAT ELON MUSK!” the cannibals chanted.
Jeff Bezos grabbed hold of a sniper rifle and fired into the crowd, wounding several of the Piranha Women. “Help!” Hannah cried out as she collapsed onto the floor, bleeding profusely, but the billionaire sociopath Jeff Bezos had no sympathy for her. Instead, he turned toward his trusty robot companion and said, “Alexa, destroy the cannibal women.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that,” Jeff Bezos’ Alexa responded.
“I SAID, ALEXA, DESTROY THE CANNIBAL WOMEN!”
All of a sudden, bullets rained down on the cannibals, but nevertheless, the Piranha Women and the Barracuda Women ran toward Jeff Bezos and started eating him alive. Meanwhile, Tobey swung out of the room, hoping to disable the Alexa, and Andrew, Harry, Tahani, and the members of My Chemical Romance followed him.
Eventually, Tobey found the Alexa, and as he listened to the loud chomping noises coming from the other room, he unplugged the AI device. “I don’t know about this,” he said to Frank. “Cannibalizing Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk seems a little cruel.”
“They both regularly abuse their workers, harm the environment, spend way too much money on space-related vanity projects, and refuse to use their massive wealth to make the world a better place,” Frank explained. “So fuhk them. Death is the least they deserve.”
“I just don’t know if I did the right thing,” Tobey said. “After all, I’m Spider-Man. I’m supposed to save the people of New York from criminals, not throw them in harm’s way.”
“Jeff Bezos is a demon, not a person,” Frank said.
“You’re right. It’s probably a moot point,” Tobey said before his Spider-Sense suddenly went off. “Andrew? Is your Spider-Sense tingling too?”
Andrew didn’t have time to respond before Harry abruptly crumpled onto the floor. “Harry!” Andrew screamed. “Are you okay?”
“I’m not okay,” Harry said, writhing in pain as his skin turned green again and his limbs twisted and contorted. “I promise.”
Just as Tobey’s Spider-Sense started to tingle again, Rebecca Black tossed a human skull into the room, and from its devilish shape, Tobey could tell that it was Jeff Bezos’. While the others looked toward the real life Lex Luthor’s remains, unsure what to do with the skull of a dead billionaire, the cannibal women worked on stealing and redistributing all of Jeff Bezos’ absurdly large fortune.
“Let’s see,” MJ said. “With this money, we can end homelessness in the United States, end world hunger, eradicate polio, fund 90,000 college scholarships, double every Amazon employee’s salary, pay off every American’s medical debt, produce another season of H2O: Just Add Water, and buy a glow-in-the-dark slinky for every person on Earth, and we would still have almost $25 billion to donate to The Fund To Stop The Once-ler From Destroying The Truffula Tree Ecosystem Because His Thneed Factory Is Not Nearly As Important As The Planet.”
All of a sudden, Elon Musk burst into the room and picked up his boyfriend’s skull. “Alas, poor Jeff Bezos!” he said, sobbing as he cradled Bezos’ skull. “I knew him, Once-ler, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy…”
Elon Musk, still mourning both his boyfriend and his boyfriend’s vast personal fortune, suddenly remembered that he was so rich that he could warp reality, so he pulled some $100 bills out of his pocket and tossed them at the heroes, and in an instant, some mysterious cosmic force pushed Tobey, Andrew, Harry, Tahani, and all of the members of My Chemical Romance into one of his rockets. “HELP!” Torgo shouted as he pounded on the glass, trapped inside Elon Musk’s death machine of a spaceship.
“I would like to speak to your manager, Elon!” Tahani shouted, but of course, the space-obsessed billionaire paid her no attention. Instead, Elon Musk was busy fending off Rebecca Black, who was at that very moment chewing on his leg, intent on eating him just like she’d eaten his boyfriend Jeff Bezos.
Elon Musk screamed and then hobbled over toward a giant red button, which he immediately slammed his grubby little hands onto. As soon as he pushed the button, his spaceship launched into the air, sending Elon Musk’s greatest enemies into the cold, dead void of space.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” Gerard screamed as he clung onto Tobey and Frank for dear life. “DOES ANYONE HAPPEN TO KNOW HOW TO FLY THIS THING?!”
“Ask Tobey or Andrew,” Torgo said. “Isn’t Spider-Man supposed to be a scientific genius?”
Tobey sighed as he used his spider powers to cling onto the walls of the spaceship. “Just because I have a degree in physics…”
“Like my good friend Stephen Hawking!” Tahani interjected.
“...does NOT mean I know how to fly a rocket!”
“Harry, you work with Elon Musk at Oscorp!” Andrew said. “Is there any way to stop this thing?”
That was when Harry grabbed onto Andrew’s throat with his razor sharp claws, the billionaire’s green eyes perfectly contrasting the black emptiness of outer space. “Harry is DEAD!”
“Then who are you?” Andrew asked.
“I’m your bed.”
Everyone was very confused, and Harry quickly backtracked. “No, no, wait, that’s not right. I need a proper supervillain name, something to strike fear into the hearts of Spider-Men everywhere…”
All of a sudden, Harry gave Andrew a terrifying grin before he said,
“I’m the Green Goblin.”