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Sans' noodles

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Sans uncovers the lid of the ramens he’s stolen from Alphys, sitting on his bare mattress. He was lucky he had managed to escape her when she had run after him with that giant plastic sword that resembled those you could find in some anime (once, she had told him that it was for “cosplay”), because he probably wouldn't have survived a hit coming from someone who cared that much about their noodles. And by the betrayed look she’d had on her face when she realized he was the culprit, it wasn’t like he could just go back and apologize. She would kill him before he would even get the chance.

Sans wipes the tear that had started rolling down his face, taking the chopsticks in the traditional anime style. What's done is done, so he had to live on, and he'd have plenty of times to mourn and get suicidal after he's eaten his anime spaghettis anyway.

"atadakimasu! or something."

The chopsticks wobble in his grip when Sans grasps a portion of noodles in the pot. Unfortunately, he miserably fails to keep hold of his food. After what must have been a dozen of attempts Sans decides to give up using the anime style, throwing the chopsticks to his wall and using his telekinesis to get the noodles. Dammit he's come this far, so he can't backup now. The food lands in his mouth, but the contact makes his sexy blue magical tongue with no heat sensitivity burn. Sans's magic immediately lets go from the pain, the heated noodles falling onto his chest, consequently making him jerk and drop the pot. The food spills out onto his shirt, and shorts, even reaching the floor, and it takes him actually five seconds to understand what a mess he's just made of himself, gazing at the floor blankly, and powerlessly, with some noodles over his clothes, and a wetness in his pants he would have preferred not being aware of.

With a sigh, Sans takes his t-shirt off, and as if Papyrus could sense his distress, the door slams open.

"BROTHER! WHAT’S WRONG?!! ARE YOU HAVING AN EXISTENCIAL CRISIS ABOUT HOW WE'RE JUST CODELINES WITH NO FREE WILL INCLUDING YOU BUT YOURE THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS AGAIN ???" he stops mid-way, gaping at his half naked brother. "SANS WHAT THE FUCK!"

Sans looks blearily at papyrus, still under shock. Quickly he grabs his dirty shirt and placates it against his chest to hide...whatever there was to hide. "i'm sorry pap, i-i didn't know you woul-... wait wha' did you just sai-?"

"YOUR BODY WON’T LURE ME SANS!! YOU CAN STOP THAT. BESIDES YOU PERFECTLY KNOW I ALREADY LUST AFTER SEXY ROBOTIC RECTANGLES. ONLY THIS TYPE OF CURVE KEEPS ME GOING AT NIGHT."

“but I wasn’t-”

“AND IT’S THE EIGHTEENTH TIME YOU’VE MADE A MESS TODAY!” Papyrus stomps. "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I’M NOT PROVIDING YOU MY COMFORT SERVICES UNTIL YOU LEARN HOW TO BREATHE FOR FIVE MINUTES WITHOUT BATHING YOURSELF IN FOOD!"

Papyrus steps back from him, and slams the door, making the house trembles. A short moment later, the door reopens, Alphys with the sword in the entryway.

Sans actually gasps, not expecting her to track him down at his own house. Her eyes flares at him, making it very clear that she would take her ramens back, no matter the means. For a moment it feels like they’re flickering blue and yellow, and that some entertaining music starts to play in the background, but then the next moment, she’s looking down to the puddle on the floor, and her expression changes from determined to despair, with only a dead silence to fill the room. That and the violin playing in the background.

“that’s papyrus’ fault.” sans immediately blurts out.

“I HEARD THAT!” papyrus calls out from the other side of the wall.

It’s hard for him to breathe. The clock ticks loudly and slowly in the room, until Sans can’t take it anymore. Quickly he gets up from his dirty mattress and heads for the window.

He's only one foot outside when claws at his shoulder yanks him back to his room, and knocks him to the ground. Two clawed feet approaches him, and the next moment he’s already got the giant anime sword in the face.

“ow! a-al! pl-please! please stop! i'm sorry!”

It only earns him another hit on his face, and another, and another, until Alphys ends up slapping him Italian style. At some point during his torture, Papyrus enters his room, and starts to vacuum the wasted noodles. It was very nice of him to do it despite their argument.

“ow.” sans cries when a harsh hit lands on his ribs

“Y-you did this to y-yourself Sans!” alphys shouts back, still stuttering for some reasons despite not looking embarrassed in the slightest. “T-take this! Za warudo!”

Papyrus who has visibly finished his cleaning, makes his way to the door, but stops just in front of the threshold, throwing a glance over his shoulder. Finally, he steps back to Sans, bends down a little, and take the dirty shirt he’d left near his mattress. God his bro was truly an angel, Sans thinks as Papyrus closes the door behind him. What had he done in his life to deserve a bro like him? Even after everything sans put him through earlier, hes still willing to pick up his shirt and clean it. He supposes it’s just how Paps is. Kind. Always there to help Sans getting out of his bad habits, never leaving him behind no matter what. Never. Not even when Sans was depressed as fuck, and nearly dying of hopelessness. Yeah, even at those times, his bro was there, harassing him about picking up his socks. And he truly was grateful for that. God, his bro was just so great.

Anyway, he feels like he’s dying right now. They’re already up to one hundred twenty-one slaps, and he knows his one hp can't handle more than one hundred twenty-five hits from a giant plastic sword. Would be wise to think of an idea and quick. B-but the only solution he has...is...

In a desperate attempt Sans flares his eye, his entire body tensing. He has no choice but to do this.

“w-wait, h-hear me out al ! before i die i need to tell you that-” he inhales very hard. “ i-i !!! i love mew mew kissy cutie!”

Some sweat falls down his forefront as he says it, the telekinesis he’s using on the dinosaur giving him some time to breathe. Alphys looks like she’s close to having a heart attack, eyes widening, mouth agape, and claws trembling tightly around the sword she holds.

“mew mew one or... mew mew two?” she spits coldly.

Sans gapes at her for a moment, laughs awkwardly hoping this would give him some time, then makes a silent prayer while he still can.

“Oh d-don't worry sans.” Alphys says. “Everybody has their own o-p-pinions. I won’t judge.”

“well, uh.” he responds, feeling much more reassured. “i think i liked...both?”

“I can’t b-believe you like mew mew two, this piece of shit is like the f-filthiest abomination in the entire history of anime, you fucking d-dumbass!”

Sans’ expression tightens consequently, his hands intuitively coming to shield himself. And here he thought lying about it could save his ass.

“But s-since you liked mew mew one I g-guess I can allow you to live a little longer. Congrats s-Sans.”

The skeleton suddenly lets go of the breath he’s been holding, feeling really relieved this at least managed to calm the angry lemon that was once her friend. Not for too long though. Before he knows, he’s pushed forward, dragged on his carpet and on the stairs like a sack of potatoes. Once in the living room, Alphys holds him down on his couch, and for a moment, she fiddles under her clothes, a weird expression on her face that makes Sans wish he was blind. Thankfully, she finds what she’s seeking for before he pukes.

She walks back to their TV, holding a little box that seems innocent enough in his eyes sockets, until the information finally sinks in when she pulls a disk out of it.

No... please someone tell him he’s getting the wrong idea.

The screen suddenly displays a girl with cat ears, kissing someone in a spiral of roses and hearts. The message couldn’t be clearer than this.

He was boned.

Being beaten to death with a sword? Painful but survivable. His family getting murdered by a five years old child? He could handle it. But THIS? There really were no words in the world that could describe the pain he was going to endure.

Papyrus emerges from the kitchen, and launches a curious look in their direction. His eyes meet Sans’. He knew he was still trembling, and full of bruises. Paps help me, the skeleton tries to convey through his gaze.

“SANS YOU INDECENT MONSTER! PUT ON SOMETHING!”

And he’s back in the kitchen again, while a weight on the couch tells him that Alphys settled close. There’s no escape now. He’d need to face the most terrible torture of the underground. No one could help him anymore, he was doomed. And even if he somehow managed to survive this, there was no telling his sanity would. papyrus i'm so sorry, Sans thinks to himself, you’ll have to pay the bill alone from now on...which is impossible ‘cause nobody’s ever wanted to hire you, and i'm working for both of us despite what everyone says about my laziness.

“You'll see, re-watching it makes it even better!” Alphys starts from his side. “It makes you think about the true meaning of friendship by showing you the importance of forgiving your loved ones, even when they hurt you, and even when they're noodle-stealing assholes. At first Mewmew argues with them for revealing her secret but at one point she realizes that cherishing her friends is important, because they are people with whom you have shared a past. So when she comes back to them and see that it was less serious than she thought she realizes that she had been very unfair to her friends and that hurting them on purpose is not going to make things better. You learn that sometimes you have to relativize and forgive your friends and- "

A yellow arm slowly creeps around his shoulder to set his cage, and at that moment Sans wished he had ears so he could cut them off.

“SANS!!! I TOLD YOU TO PUT SOMETHING ON!!!”