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You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In The Avocado Jungle of Death

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It was Tuesday, Tobey Maguire’s favorite day of the week, and so far, things were going great.

At four AM, he had woken up to the sound of Mr. Ditkovich demanding rent, despite the fact that Tobey only had sixty-nine cents in his pocket. Then, he’d swung away on his web and escaped to the Daily Bugle office, hoping to sell his latest batch of Spider-Man photos, but J. Jonah Jameson had rejected them, just because it looked like he had taken them while hanging upside down (which he had, but he wasn’t about to admit to that). Now, he was curled up on the couch at Gerard’s house, hiding from both his landlord and his boss while experiencing the height of luxury: leftover ramen and doors that actually worked. Truly, Tuesday was a magical day.

The best part was that he didn’t have to save the city today. The natural laws of the universe stated that it was illegal to commit a crime on a Tuesday, so he could leave his Spider Suit at home and let Andrew rescue cats from trees or sign comic books or eat fish incorrectly or do whatever it was he did when he was Spider-Man. In the end, it didn’t even matter what Andrew Garfield was up to. New York City would be safe tonight.

As Tobey shoved another forkful of ramen into his mouth, his pretty, handsome, awkward boyfriend walked up to him and handed him a glass of water because his lips were chapped and faded. “Here you go, Tobes,” Gerard said before snuggling up on the couch next to him.

“Thanks, Gee,” Tobey said as he sipped on his water and then gazed into his boyfriend’s perfect hazel eyes. “You’re the best.”

“Oh, it’s no problem. Anything for my friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.”

Tobey sighed and then asked, “I-is it okay if I stay here for a while? Mr. Ditkovich wants me to give him rent, even though he still hasn’t fixed the damn door.”

“Why don’t you just move in with me? We’ve been together for a while now, and you’re here all the time anyways.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready for that kind of a commitment,” Tobey said. “And if I am going to live here, shouldn’t Frank move in with us too?”

Gerard smiled as he thought of his other boyfriend, the vampiric, dog-loving, teensy-weensy New Jerseyan rhythm guitarist known as Frank Iero. “He’s coming over later with the rest of the band to work on the new album,” he said. “Maybe I’ll ask him then.”

Tobey smiled and then reached for the copy of the Daily Bugle that was sitting on the coffee table. He flipped through the articles: a headline about how Spider-Man was a menace, a fluff piece on J. Jonah Jameson’s astronaut son, a story about the critical avocado shortage. Tobey may have been stressed out, underpaid, and hated by the public, but at least he had Frank and Gerard, the two loves of his life…

All of a sudden, there was a knock on the door, and when Frank walked into the room, with Mikey and Ray Torgo by his side, Tobey’s heart fluttered. My Chemical Romance was here, and Tobey felt like he would never be afraid again.

Meanwhile, Andrew Garfield was hanging from the ceiling of the forty-second floor of Oscorp Tower, and his eyes were fixed on one particular goblinovirus-afflicted former supervillain. Harry Osborn had just been reinstated as the CEO of Oscorp Industries, and since there weren’t any crimes being committed in New York today, Andrew decided that he might as well stalk his best friend/roommate/crush.

As he crawled across the ceiling, Andrew watched Harry, alone in the conference room, replying to emails. Even under the harsh, artificial lights, his blue eyes twinkled, and Andrew couldn’t stop thinking about just how wonderful his childhood friend was, how much he loved getting the chance to reconnect with him, how with every passing moment, whether Harry was telling him about his day or learning how to skateboard or simply existing, he fell even harder for him.

Sometimes, he wondered if Harry felt the same way.

All of a sudden, two men and a dragon walked into the room, and Harry smiled, even if it was a bit forced. They all looked familiar to Andrew, although he couldn’t quite place their faces right away.

“Always a pleasure to have our board of directors visit,” Harry said to three of them.

“Indeed,” Smaug said, contemplating whether or not to breathe fire on the new CEO of Oscorp.

“Mr. Osborn, you may have noticed that a few things have changed at Oscorp recently,” the Once-ler said, knitting a Thneed while dreaming of untold environmental destruction.

“We have invested all of Oscorp’s assets in gold,” Smaug said.

“And Thneeds,” the Once-ler said.

“And Dogecoin!” Elon Musk exclaimed suddenly.

Andrew wanted to scream at the mere thought of three eccentric (and probably evil) billionaires running his best friend’s corporation, but Harry remained calm and composed. “Is that all you wanted to tell me?”

“No, there’s more, and it’s worse than that time all of Tumblr decided to ship me with myself,” the Once-ler said.

“There’s a critical avocado shortage,” Elon Musk said.

“Uhh...how is that worse than Once-ler selfcest?” Harry asked.

“I won’t be able to launch a jar of my new guacamole dip into space!” Elon Musk whined.

“It’s all because of the cannibal women,” the Once-ler explained. “They're an ancient commune of feminists so radical, so militant, so left of center that they eat their men as some sort of ritual sacrifice.”

“Mmm, that sounds delicious,” Smaug said.

“Smaug!” the Once-ler shouted. “You’re not supposed to approve of the Piranha Women! They’re disrupting our profits!” The noodly green man sighed and then said, “Maybe we need to burn down the whole avocado jungle so we can holistically incubate market positioning functionalities and efficiently conceptualize highly efficient opportunities.”

“No way,” Elon Musk said. “We need to at least pretend to care about the environment, Once-ler.”

“But my Thneeds…”

“I have a better idea, Harry,” Elon Musk said. “We’ll send Kamilah Al-Jamil and her Tesla into the avocado jungle to talk some sense into the Piranha Women and take them back to Oscorp. I want you to go with her as a...uhh…representative of Oscorp’s interests. And then I can launch my guacamole into orbit and kill all of the space robots!”

“Actually, that’s not going to work,” the Once-ler said. “Kamilah doesn’t own a Tesla, and she’s busy accepting her seventh Nobel Peace Prize anyways, so I got her older sister Tahani instead…”

“What’s this about me?” Tahani said as she walked into the room.

“Hi, Kamilah’s sister,” Smaug said, causing Tahani to scowl.

While Tahani filled with silent rage, the amazing Spider-Man watched Harry from above, still looking beautiful as he paced across the room, contemplating the board’s ideas. “Why don’t you send Spider-Man to help?” the terminally ill trust-fund baby suggested.

“SPIDER-MAN IS A MENACE!” the entire board of directors shouted at once.

“Don’t believe everything you read in the Daily Bugle,” Harry said. “Spider-Man’s a good guy.”

“And how do you know that?” Smaug asked, dreaming of his gigantic pile of gold.

“I’ve met him before. He’s smart, funny, compassionate, responsible, and a very talented skateboarder.” All of a sudden, Harry looked up, and he smiled when he saw Andrew stuck to the ceiling. “He’s also extremely handsome.”

Harry couldn’t see it, but beneath the mask, Andrew turned as red as one of the jalapeno peppers in Elon Musk’s guacamole dip.

“I heard there were two Spider-Men now,” the Once-ler said.

“That’s what I thought too,” Elon Musk said. “The old Spider-Man got some tall guy who looks like he popped out of a young adult vampire romance novel to take over for him on Tuesdays.”

“So which one do I get to eat...uhh...I mean...which one should we send into the avocado jungle with Harry and Tahani?” Smaug said.

“Why not both?” Tahani said.

Harry smiled and then said, “That’s brilliant, Tahani.”

“Why thank you, Harry,” Tahani said. “You know, I’m something of a Spider-Fan myself.”

“Sounds great,” Elon Musk said. “Go find those Spider-Men, and then bring the cannibals back here to Oscorp before I decide to launch another meme into space.”

The board of directors left the room, and once all of them were gone, Andrew dropped down from the ceiling. “Andrew!” Tahani exclaimed. “You were there the whole time?”

Harry laughed and then asked, “What are you doing at Oscorp?”

Andrew paused, unwilling to admit that he was most definitely stalking Harry Osborn. “L-let’s go find Tobey, okay?” he said as he grabbed onto Harry and Tahani and webbed away.

Meanwhile, at Gerard’s house, the members of My Chemical Romance were in the middle of writing lyrics for their new album, while Tobey listened to their conversation, took a picture or two, and stared at his two incredibly attractive emo boyfriends.

“So what should we call this song?” Ray Torgo asked, strumming on his guitar.

“How about I Don’t Love You?’” Mikey suggested.

“But that’s not true,” Gerard said. “I love Frank and Tobey very much.”

“Aww, thanks Gee,” Tobey said.

Frank glanced back and forth between Tobey and Gerard and then said, “I want your hot fucking penguin ass…”

“DON’T YOU DARE FINISH THAT SENTENCE!” Mikey screamed as he ran into another room to apply some Extra-Strength Brain Bleach to his prefrontal cortex. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGHHHHH! MY BRAIN!!”

Gerard laughed nervously and then said, “By the way, Frankie, I’ve been meaning to ask you…”

Before Gerard could finish his sentence, there was a knock on the door, and when Torgo opened it, he found Harry Osborn, Andrew Garfield, and Tahani Al-Jamil standing in the doorway. Torgo’s eyes lit up at the sight of his sexy skyscraper of a wife, and Tahani smiled and gave him a quick peck on the lips. “Hi Torgo,” she said. “How’s the album coming?”

“It’s going okay,” Torgo said. “Frank and Gerard keep getting distracted.”

“It’s not our fault that Tobey’s so pretty,” Gerard said.

“Oh, so Tobey’s here?” Andrew said.

“Yes, why?” Torgo said.

“We were looking for him,” Andrew said. “We need his help.”

“Andrew, it’s Tuesday,” Tobey said from the living room. “I’m sure you can handle this.”

Andrew suddenly webbed into Gerard’s house, and he landed on the couch right next to Tobey. “There’s a critical avocado shortage, and it’s all because of a cult of cannibal women who live in the avocado jungle.”

“An avocado jungle?” Tobey said. “In New York?”

“It’s more likely than you think,” Andrew said. “So will you help us find the cannibal women?”

“I missed the part where that’s my problem.”

“Please? We need you.”

“I don’t know. I still need to recover from saving an entire school bus filled with children from Frog-Man yesterday.”

“Frog-Man?” Andrew said, both him and Tobey laughing hysterically. “Now I know you’re just making excuses!”

In the next room over, Tahani sighed and turned to the members of My Chemical Romance. “If Tobey’s not going to help, then maybe you could come along, Torgo.”

“The Master would not approve,” Torgo said.

“Frank?” Tahani said. “Would you like to come on our quest?”

“I don’t go on quests,” Frank said. “That’s more Gerard’s thing.”

“And I need to come up with a title for our new MCR song,” Gerard said, but before Tahani could complain about how this was the most disappointed she’d been since she watched the Reylo kiss in The Rise of Skywalker with her good friend Jar Jar Binks, the sheriff of Emo Town went into the living room to talk to Tobey.

“You should go with them,” Gerard said. “After all, with great power comes great responsibility.”

“My Uncle Ben used to say that,” Tobey said, tears filling his eyes. “I’ll go.”

Gerard was about to give his boyfriend a kiss goodnight, but when he turned back, Tobey and Andrew were both gone. They’d already webbed their way into the avocado jungle of death.

As My Chemical Romance got back to work on their new album, Andrew, Harry, Tahani, and Tobey wandered through the jungle, Harry constantly stopping to complain about his GOVID. “My neck hurts,” he whined as the four of them made their way through the avocado trees.

“Oh, that’s unfortunate,” Tahani said. “You should see my good friend, Dr. Cullen, or perhaps Dr. Mario...”

“Wait,” Tobey said suddenly. “My Spider-Sense is tingling.”

“Mine too,” Andrew said, desperately searching around for whatever danger was lurking amongst the avocados.

All of a sudden, a group of Piranha Women sprinted toward the four of them, eager to get a taste of two Spider-Men and two absurdly wealthy socialites. One of them immediately went after Harry, while another tried to strangle Tobey with her bare hands, but Andrew and Tobey were able to web up most of the cannibals in record time. Soon, only the most vicious Piranha Women were left, all of them filled with righteous anger and a deep, primal hunger for all three of the men in the party.

As a Piranha Woman took hold of Andrew’s arm and tried to take a bite out of it, Tahani grabbed her by the arm and yanked her away. She then looked the cannibal in the eye and said, “I would like to speak to your manager!”

“The Power Broker is...otherwise occupied,” the Piranha Woman said. Tahani immediately suspected that a certain MCU girlboss was behind all of this, but she didn’t say anything. “But I can bring you to her second-in-command on two conditions.”

“What are they?” Tahani asked.

“You must become one of the Piranha Women, and that man…” The Piranha Woman gestured toward Harry. “He must be sacrificed.”

“NOOOOOO!” Andrew screamed as he clung to his best friend.

“Andrew, I’m going to die of GOVID anyways,” Harry said. “If one of us has to be sacrificed, it should be me.”

“Please, Harry,” Andrew said. “We’ll find a cure for you. You’ll live.”

Tahani suddenly turned to the cannibals and said, “I’ll do it. I’ll become a Piranha Woman.”

“WHAT?!” Andrew shouted.

“I knew you’d see reason,” the Piranha Woman said with a smile before she and Tahani grabbed onto Harry Osborn and dragged him deep into the jungle.

Back in New Jersey, Gerard, Frank, Mikey, and Torgo worked on writing some more lyrics for their third album. “The sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead. I like that,” Gerard said. “I feel like this song doesn’t have enough vampires in it though.”

“Gerard, not everything has to be about vampires,” Mikey said.

“I want to be a vampire,” Gerard said. “They’re the coolest monsters.”

“I wish I could make that happen,” Frank said as he leaned closer to Gerard’s neck, ready to suck his blood. “My coven only accepts depressed lesbians though.”

“So I can be a vampire if I wear one of your black hoodies?”

Frank laughed and said, “I guess so,” before wrapping his arms around his boyfriend. “I’m just glad I have you and Tobey. I swear you mean the whole world to me.”

“Where is Tobey, by the way?” Gerard said. “He should be back by now.”

“Maybe we should go check on Tobey and Tahani,” Torgo suggested as he set down his electric guitar.

“Sounds rad,” Frank said.

“But they’re in the avocado jungle,” Gerard said. “What if we all die?”

“I’ll keep you safe tonight, Gee,” Frank said, and in his diminutive vampire boyfriend’s arms, Gerard knew that he was telling the truth.

The four of them put down their instruments and set out into avocado jungle, but when they got there, Frank immediately started picking the avocados off of the trees and eating them whole. “Frank!” Gerard exclaimed. “What are you doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing?” Frank said as he stuffed another avocado into his mouth.

“There’s a critical avocado shortage, remember?”

“Yeah, well, I’m hungry.”

“Me too. I should have brought coffee.”

“Hey, maybe we should keep working on the album,” Mikey said.

“Sure,” Gerard said. “So that second verse...what rhymes with go?”

There was a rustling sound coming from deeper in the jungle, and Torgo said, “Be quiet. The cannibals might hear us.”

“I’ve got it!” Gerard shouted. “There’s a place in the dark where the animals go, you can take off your skin in the cannibal glow…I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m any good at this.”

“You’re very good at this, Gerard,” Frank said with a smile.

All of a sudden, Gerard froze. “Gerard? Are you okay?” Frank said, but his boyfriend didn’t respond. Instead, the white-haired emo sass queen stared into the distance, too distracted by whatever was happening out there to respond to Frank.

“Gee? What’s going on?” Frank said, but again, there was no response, and when Frank looked out into the avocado jungle, there was nothing but trees, even when he stood on his tiptoes. No matter how hard he looked, he couldn’t figure out what it was that fascinated Gerard so much.

That was when the four of them were ambushed by a group of cannibals, and the Piranha Women dragged Frank, Mikey, Torgo, and Gerard back to their fortress, kicking and screaming. Not even Frank’s vampire powers, Gerard’s beautiful singing voice, Mikey’s poker face, or Torgo’s glorious beard and disproportionately large legs could save them now.

Meanwhile, in another part of the avocado jungle, Tobey and Andrew were standing there, arguing over what to do. “We have to save Harry,” Andrew said.

“I know, but how?” Tobey responded.

“We could steal the identity of one of the cannibal women and break into their stronghold.”

“No way. That’s insane.”

“Or we could play dubstep and annoy them to death?”

“I don’t think that would work, Andrew.”

“Maybe we could set a trap? We know they can’t resist eating men.”

“And who exactly were you planning to use as bait?”

“I don’t know. You?”

“Are you trying to kill me and steal my job again?”

“I swear I’m not!”

Tobey sighed and said, “All of these ideas are terrible.”

“Do you have any better ones?”

“We could go back to the lab at Oscorp and invent something that might help us against the Piranha Women.”

“We don’t have that kind of time. Harry would be dead by the time we got back.”

“We could put some…”

“If you suggest putting some dirt in their eyes, I am going to strangle you.”

Tobey was silent for a few moments and then said, “Or we could just wait for the Piranha Women to do something that makes them kill themselves.”

“When has that ever worked?”

“It worked against Norman Osborn.”

“Harry’s dad? He wasn’t a supervillain.”

All of a sudden, both of their Spider-Senses started tingling, but both Tobey and Andrew were far too invested in their dumb argument to pay any attention.

“He was the Green Goblin!”

“No he wasn’t! He was just the head of Oscorp, and he died of GOVID, just like Harry will if I don’t save him!” Andrew said. “He’s my best pal, and I don’t know what I’ll do without him…”

“Gonna cry?” Tobey said, perhaps against his better judgment.

“I HATE YOU!”

That was when a group of Piranha Women snuck up behind Tobey and Andrew and whacked them over the head with oversized pineapples, causing the two Spider-Men to pass out instantly.

When Andrew and Tobey opened their eyes again, they were both tied to a post, and several Piranha Women were getting ready to barbecue Harry Osborn. As Tobey struggled to break free, Andrew shouted, “You said that you would only sacrifice Harry! You lied to us!”

“We offered you friendship, and you spat in our faces!” Tobey added.

“I can’t believe it,” Andrew said. “This is the second time I’ve almost been cannibalized this month.”

Tobey gave his younger counterpart a strange look and then turned to the Piranha Women. “Can you please free us?” he asked. “I promise we’re feminists. My boyfriend is a lesbian!”

Everyone was visibly confused by that, and it did not seem to help Tobey’s cause at all.

“I’m not sure he knows what feminism is,” one of the Piranha Women said.

“I can explain,” another Piranha Woman said. “Feminism is a range of social movements, political movements, and ideologies that aim to define and establish political, economic, personal, and social equality across genders. As feminists, we aim to dismantle the patriarchy, a society which promotes unearned male privilege, oppresses women, and leads to gender stereotyping, power differences across genders, and violence against women. Therefore, we need to end this system of oppression and establish equality, because after all, masculine and feminine roles are not biologically fixed but socially constructed.”

“Can’t argue with that,” Tobey said.

“And the only way to smash the patriarchy is to kill and eat every man on Earth!”

Tobey was about to object, but before he could say anything, a 13-year-old girl drove up to the Piranha Women’s fortress. As the car rolled to a stop, she stood up and shouted, “Happy Friday, everyone!”

“It’s Tuesday, not Friday,” Tobey said.

“Oh, that’s where you’re wrong. Here, it’s always Friday,” the teenager said before she started to sing. “IT’S FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY!”

That was when Tahani’s jaw dropped. “You’re my good friend Rebecca Black!”

“Hi Tahani,” Rebecca said with a smile.

“And you’re the leader of the Piranha Women!”

“Actually, the Power Broker is the leader,” Rebecca said. “I’m just her right hand woman.”

“I want to become a Piranha Woman, Rebecca,” Tahani said. “How do I do it?”

“Well, that’s simple,” Rebecca said, gesturing toward the GOVID-afflicted young man, handcuffed and about to be roasted over an open flame. “All you have to do is eat Harry Osborn.”

“I don’t know about that,” Tahani said. “Unlike my old friend Hannibal Lecter, I don’t eat people.”

“Or you could have sex with him and then eat him,” Rebecca suggested.

“Rebecca, I’m married,” Tahani said.

“Marriage,” Rebecca said, disgusted. “What an outdated institution entrenched in sexist cultural norms, reinforcing the traditional paradigm of male-female interaction and preventing women from ever achieving social equality.”

“Aren’t you thirteen?”

“I’m a very mature thirteen-year-old.”

“I just don’t want to betray Torgo.”

“You’re married to Torgo?” one of the other Piranha Women said. “It all makes sense now. I wouldn’t want to cheat on the sexiest satyr in the world either.”

“Shut up, or you’ll be eaten too!” Rebecca shouted, and all of the other Piranha Women instantly went silent. “Tahani, we both know that any sane woman would leave her husband and join the Piranha Women. Here, you can eat whatever you want, love anyone you wish, and be free from the tyranny of men. Your life will be nothing but fun, fun, fun, fun...”

While Rebecca and Tahani argued, Tobey and Andrew both yanked on the rope that was holding them in place, and once they were free, they both somersaulted onto the battlefield. “What is this, a gymnastics competition?” one of the Piranha Women asked, but Tobey instantly webbed her up, while Andrew fought off the horde of sword-wielding cannibals that was racing after him. As Tobey clobbered the Piranha Women, his Spider-Sense going wild as they ran after him with any weapon they could find, Andrew realized that there was something much more important he had to take care of.

Harry Osborn was still in mortal danger.

Andrew swung over to his childhood friend, and while Tobey webbed up the Piranha Women, the taller of the two Spider-Men used every last bit of his power to break Harry’s restraints, causing him to collapse into his arms. “Andrew,” Harry said breathlessly. “You saved me.”

“I-I guess I did,” Andrew said, suddenly conscious of how close he was to his best pal.

“How am I ever going to thank you?” Harry said with a smile, and before the amazing Spider-Man could respond, Harry pulled up Andrew's mask and crashed his lips into his.

Andrew couldn’t quite believe what was happening, but nevertheless, he kissed Harry back. He could sense the sparks crackling between the two of them, Harry’s perfectly combed hair underneath his fingertips, the goblinovirus on his lips. He cherished this moment, alone with Harry, completely and utterly uninterrupted…

“HEY!” Tobey shouted. “CAN I GET A LITTLE HELP OVER HERE?”

Andrew looked over to Tobey, but he seemed to have the situation under control. Nearly all of the Piranha Women had been webbed up already, and now, there were only a handful left. Surely, Tobey didn’t need Andrew’s help, so he leaned in closer to Harry once again.

Tahani glanced over to the two love spiders, and then she said to Rebecca Black, “I don’t get it. Why Harry, of all people? Why sacrifice him first?”

“He’s the representative for Oscorp,” Rebecca said. “He’s here to ensure that all of us Piranha Women get sent to Mars as Elon Musk’s indentured servants.”

Andrew instantly backed away from Harry, and everyone turned to look at the Oscorp CEO. “Harry?” Tahani said. “Is that true?”

Harry nodded. “I knew Elon Musk basically wanted to enslave the Piranha Women, but I was working against him. There was a reason why I wanted both Andrew and Tobey to come with us. I was hoping that they’d get into some huge argument, and we wouldn’t capture the Piranha Women. I wanted the mission to fail.”

Despite Harry’s confession, Andrew still felt betrayed. He looked back at the former Green Goblin, and he felt like he didn’t even know who he was anymore. Why hadn’t Harry told him about Elon Musk’s plan?

“I’ve just realized something important,” Tahani said. “Men are not the enemy.”

“She’s right,” one of the Piranha Women said. “The patriarchy is the enemy.”

“Shut up!” Rebecca Black shouted. “Men are absolutely the enemy, and that’s why we need to eat all of them!”

“No, they aren’t,” Tahani said. “Elon Musk is the enemy, and all of us need to unite against him. You, me, Tobey, Andrew, Harry, and all of the Piranha Women. We all need to work together, just like my good friends Eminem and the Punisher teamed up to take on the Parents’ Music Council. Together, we will eat Elon Musk!”

All at once, the Piranha Women began to chant, “EAT ELON MUSK! EAT ELON MUSK! EAT ELON MUSK!”

“That’s it!” Tahani exclaimed. “And I’ll throw all of you a party once you’ve eaten the entire Oscorp board of directors!”

“EAT ELON MUSK! EAT ELON MUSK! EAT ELON MUSK!”

As the Piranha Women freed themselves from Tobey’s and Andrew’s webs and marched toward Oscorp Tower, Harry turned toward Tahani and asked, “W-what’s going to happen to me?”

“You’ll be fine, Harry,” Tahani said.

“Are you sure?”

“We don’t need to eat men to dismantle the patriarchy, but it doesn’t seem like the Piranha Women are going to give up cannibalism anytime soon, so they might as well devour Elon Musk and make the world a much better place in the process,” Tahani said. “What a weird creep. Why am I friends with him?”

“That’s a good question,” Tobey said. He was usually against murder, but if anyone deserved death, it was billionaires like Elon Musk.

Tahani sighed and looked toward Harry and the two Spider-Men. “With great power comes great responsibility,” she said. “As men, you have power, and you three are using it quite well, if I do say so myself.”

“Thank you,” Tobey said. “I’m trying my best to live up to my Uncle Ben’s catchphrase.”

“The measure of any society is how it treats its women and girls,” Tahani said. “Michelle Obama texted me that once.”

Rebecca Black opened up the doors to their stronghold, and Tahani, Harry, Andrew, and Tobey all left the jungle with the Piranha Women in tow. “Harry?” Andrew said, but he wasn’t sure what to believe anymore. Was Harry telling the truth? Was he really working against the Oscorp board of directors? More importantly, had he really kissed him, or was that some sort of strange fever dream? “You look a little green,” he finally said to his childhood friend.

“Just my GOVID acting up again,” Harry muttered.

Meanwhile, as Tobey swung overhead, and Tahani told Rebecca about all of her celebrity friends, the second-in-command ate a bowl of cereal and proclaimed that, “Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday, today is Friday, Friday, tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwards…”

“But Rebecca, I thought it was always Friday,” one of the other Piranha Women said.

“Yeah, because otherwise, it would be Tuesday once a week, and it’s illegal to eat men on Tuesdays!” another Piranha Woman exclaimed.

“Oh, right!” Rebecca exclaimed, and then all of the Piranha Women began to sing.

It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin' down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend

However, just as they were all about to leave the avocado jungle of death, Rebecca froze. “The Power Broker is here.”

“Where?” Tobey asked, frantically looking around for a particular former SHIELD operative/CIA officer/all-around girlboss.

All of a sudden, a dinosaur of a woman emerged from the shadows, her wrinkly face framed by silver curls and a royal blue hat. “Liz?!” Tahani exclaimed. “You’re the Power Broker?!?!?”

“That’s right, Tahani,” the former Queen of England said with a terrifying grin. “I’ve realized that men are truly, irredeemably evil, and the only way to get rid of them is to eat them. After all, it was a man who thwarted my evil plan, a man who stole my crown, a man who broke my heart…” All of a sudden, the ex-Queen looked toward Andrew Garfield. “Why Andrew,” she said. “You move on fast.”

“T-that’s not true,” Andrew said, desperately clinging onto Harry.

“Good thing I’ve found someone new - someone to be both my lover and my dinner,” Elizabeth said. “Come with me.”

Elizabeth II began walking toward a clearing, and Tahani, Harry, Tobey, Andrew, and the Piranha Women followed her, but when they got there, their jaws dropped open.

Frank, Mikey, and Torgo were in the middle of the clearing, tied up and ready to be eaten.

“Tahani, my love!” Torgo shouted as he and his bandmates struggled to break free. “Help us!”

“It’s all Gerard’s fault!” Frank whined. “If he hadn’t been so distracted by the Queen of England, we wouldn’t have gotten captured!”

“Hey Elizabeth, can you at least let me say goodbye to my toaster before you eat us?” Mikey said.

Elizabeth II ignored them, and instead, she walked over toward a cauldron, and the others reluctantly followed her. Tobey was already mentally planning out how he would rescue Torgo, Mikey, and Frank, but first, he glanced toward the Queen’s stew, almost too afraid to look.

Inside, there were mountains of sliced vegetables, and underneath a pile of artichokes, there was Gerard Way, the lead vocalist of My Chemical Romance and Tobey’s beloved boyfriend.

That was when Tobey screamed, “GEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDD NOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!”

Tobey then broke down and cried, and with tears streaked across his face, he looked toward one of his most fearsome and powerful enemies.

Elizabeth II, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of her other realms and territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith was back.