Walking away from Kili was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. But the thing is, I wasn’t even angry with him, and worse than that, I loved him with all my heart and I knew he felt the same way. Why else would he have tried to stop me from leaving? But this had been brewing up for some time, ever since the article in the chronicle.
Ori had broken my – no our trust with writing and printing the blasted thing. That was not something that I could forgive easily. I was fed up of the wide spread common knowledge of it where-ever we went. It was humiliating to have my life laid bare like that. It didn’t even matter about the apology – the damage was done and there was no way at all that it could be undone, and as sad as that may be, it is the truth.
Then there was the incident in Bree. It wasn’t my fault that Trotter had confronted those men, but I knew that Thorin blamed me for the incarceration of his nephews. I just needed to go, to get away from them.
I didn’t stop walking until I came to the Green Dragon. It was beginning to get late and I was hungry. I guessed that Trotter could do with the rest. Luckily, there was a spare room for the night as I knew that I wouldn’t make it to Frog Morten before darkness fully descended and I didn’t fancy traveling on through the darkness alone.
That night, as I lay in bed, I felt more alone than ever, including the night of the day my family was killed. Was I doing the right thing, running away? Could I have done anything differently? When morning came, should I swallow my pride, head back to Bag End and follow them? I decided that the whole notion of that was folly, not because I was afraid of Thorin and what he might say if attempted to return, but because I was uneasy about traveling the road on my own. Having a companion would have made all the difference, but I was afraid of what I might encounter on the road. I was scared that I would come across some evil that I wouldn’t be able to deal with alone. Thoughts of orcs and bandits filled my head and I would not have been able to deal with any of that. So I decided the best course of action would be to go to my family. Kili knew where I would be if he wanted to come and find me, if his Uncle allowed him to do so.
Was I doing the right thing? Probably not, and I missed Kili even more than ever.
As I held on to my diary as if letting it go would be my death, I wondered if I should destroy it. It was extremely tempting to burn my diary in the fireplace and imagined, as I looked at flickering flames, my diary being consumed by it, it’s pages curling up as the fire blackened its pages until nothing more than ash remained of it.
But if I did that, I would have lost everything I had of Kili, apart from the necklace he had given me for Yule. It was hard to believe that he was gone, far, far away from me. I held the necklace in my hand and clutched at the pendant, hoping that by doing so, it would give me the strength that I needed to live. To pick up the pieces of my shattered life and begin again anew. It was not easy at all. That night was sleepless and although I was weary, with the light of morning entering through my window, I gathered up my strength, ate more because I needed to than because I wanted to, paid up with the Innkeeper (the only bit of coin that I had left) and with Trotter at my side, I went…home.