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BAU GROUPCHAT

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11:27

Pennelope Garcia created a groupchat.

 

Penelope Garcia added Spencer Reid, Aaron Hotchner, Jennifer Jareau, Emily Prentiss, Derek Morgan, and David Rossi to the groupchat.

 

Penelope Garcia changed Penelope Garcia’s name to Babygirl

 

Babygirl: Welcome everyone, to the first BAU GROUPCHAT!!!

 

Aaron Hotchner: Is this allowed?

 

Babygirl: Reid said it wasn’t prohibited anywhere in the FBI rulebook. I’m gonna take his word as gospel.

 

Emily Prentiss: yeah hotch stop trying to be a buzzkill

 

Babygirl changed Aaron Hotchner’s name to Buzzkill

 

Buzzkill: How do I change my name back?

 

Emily Prentiss: fucking boomer

 

Buzzkill: I’m Gen X.

 

Derek Morgan: honorary boomer

 

Babygirl changed Derek Morgan’s name to Chocolate Thunder

 

Jennifer Jareau changed Jennifer Jareau’s name to JJ

 

Emily Prentiss changed Emily Prentiss’s name to Haha gay

 

David Rossi: It’s Saturday why is my phone buzzing nonstop

 

David Rossi: oh

 

David Rossi: as one of my unruly FBI children might say; fuck this shit im out

 

David Rossi has left BAU GROUPCHAT

 

Babygirl has added David Rossi to BAU GROUPCHAT

 

Babygirl: you aren’t escaping us that easily, papa pasta

 

Babygirl changed David Rossi’s name to PapaPasta

 

PapaPasta: merda

 

 

```

12:32

Babygirl: wait wheres reid?

 

Babygirl: hes the only one who hasn’t said anything.

 

Babygirl: @Spencer Reid

 

Haha gay: @Spencer Reid

 

Chocolate Thunder: @Spencer Reid

 

Spencer Reid: Nope

 

Haha gay: oop—

 

Babygirl: @Spencer Reid you can’t ignore us, 187.

 

Buzzkill: Reid what are you doing?

 

Spencer Reid: reading.

 

Haha gay changed Spencer Reid’s name to Punk Ass Bitch Bo

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: Bo?

 

Haha gay: BOY DIDN’T FIT OKAY?!?!?

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: Mom, Dad, Emily is bullying me

 

Buzzkill: Emily stop.

 

PapaPasta: Emily stop

 

Babygirl: Who’s the mom?

 

Chocolate Thunder: more importantly, whos the dad?

 

Haha gay: more like daddy ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

PapaPasta: I resent that remark

 

JJ: found the dad

 

PapaPasta: fuck

 

```

 

8:46 am

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: due to personal reasons I will now be passing away

 

Haha gay: what the fuck did you do now?

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: nope

 

Babygirl: you’ve gotta tell us now

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: permission denied

 

Chocolate Thunder: plz pretty boy?

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: you have been stopped.

 

Babygirl: wait is he quoting vine?

 

Buzzkill: It wasn’t that bad, Reid, and you aren’t allowed to die, you haven’t submitted a two week notice.

 

Haha gay: oop—

 

JJ: wait, hotch knows. Spill

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: don’t you fuckign dare

 

Chocolate Thunder: fuckign

 

Babygirl: fuckign

 

PapaPasta: fuckign

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: Garcia how do I type in all caps?

 

Babygirl: double tap shift

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: thank you

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: EVEN YOU ROSSI???

 

Buzzkill: He lost his phone, and was looking for it.

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: hotch no

 

Buzzkill: So I offered to call it

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: why must you betray me

 

Buzzkill: and when I did, his ringtone was customized so that when I call him, it plays that one song from Vine.

 

Babygirl: Oh my god was it the you are my dad one?

 

Buzzkill: Yes.

 

Babygirl: that’s wholesome

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: fuck

 

Haha gay: REID YOU CANT SAY THE FUCK WORD

 

Babygirl changed Buzzkill’s name to BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: I’m shocked to say I preferred buzzkill.

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: are you saying you dislike being my father figure

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: Reid no

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: (◕ヘ◕) betrayal fuckin sucks

 

Chocolate Thunder: pretty boy how did you make the emoji?

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: Sorrow is the best motivator for innovation.

 

PapaPasta: wait, if Reid has a customized ring tone for Hotch, does he have them for anybody else?

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: ROSSI NO

 

Chocolate Thunder: WHY DID I JUST HEAR LASAGNA BY WEIRD AL PLAY FAINTLY IN THE BACKGROUNS

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: I hate all of you

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: we love you too, Reid.

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: (*゚∀゚*)

 

Babygirl changed PapaPasta’s name to LALALALALASAGNA

 

LALALALALASAGNA: I hate it here.

 

```

3:24 pm

 

Haha gay: we never did figure out what all of our ringtones are on Reid’s phone…

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: I grow tired of your constant antics. I’ll mute my phone.

 

Babygirl: I’ll just hack it back on.

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: You can’t even do that

 

Babygirl: feel lucky?

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: .

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: no

 

Babygirl: good.

 

Haha gay: ight ima call him

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: no don

 

Haha gay: given the music now blasting through the bullpen, I’d say my ringtone is Megalovania

 

Babygirl: from fuckin undertale

 

Haha gay: no from Stardew Valley YES FROM UNDERTALE

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: please stop people are still staring at me. I can cry on command, and Hotch will be mad at you.

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: Nah, this is kinda funny

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: FATHER WHY DO YOU FORSAKE ME IN SUCH A MANNER???

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: lmao

 

LALALALALASAGNA: sucks to suck

 

Chocolate Thunder: What the actual fuck?

 

JJ: I’ll use my mom powers.

 

JJ: stop bullying Spencer or I’ll be disappointed in you.

 

Babygirl: welp.

 

Haha gay: hahaha mom powers don’t apply if I want to date you

 

JJ: what

 

Haha gay: what

 

Babygirl changed Haha gay’s name to LMFAO GAY

 

LMFAO GAY: Dad they’re bullying me

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: karma, alcoholic daughter

 

LALALALALASAGNA: sucks to suck

 

Chocolate Thunder: Did we break Rossi, is that all he can say???

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: more importantly, can we at least wait until we’re not at work to continue this bullshit.

 

LMFAO GAY: SPENCER MARIA REID YOU CANNOT USE THE BULLSHIT WORD EITHER

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: my middle name isn’t Maria?

 

Babygirl: It is now, Maria.

 

LALALALALASAGNA: sucks to suck

 

Chocolate Thunder: GOD FUCKING DAMNIT ROSSI

 

```

 

6:17

 

Babygirl: alright we’re not at work ima call Reid.

 

Chocolate Thunder: how are you gonna hear it?

 

Babygirl: im stalking him lol

 

Babygirl: OMG IM THE NYAN CAT THEME

 

Babygirl: SPENCER I LOVE YOU

 

Punk Ass Bitch Bo: I love you too.

 

Babygirl changed Punk Ass Bitch Bo’s name to Boy Wonder

 

Babygirl: no more bitch boy

 

LMFAO GAY: *bitch bo

 

JJ: don’t worry Spence, I won’t call you. Im sure whatever your ringtone is for me is nice.

 

Chocolate Thunder: that’s so sweet

 

Chocolate Thunder: can’t relate

 

Chocolate Thunder: Ima call reid you better tell me what song I am.

 

Babygirl: your ringtone is a fucking rickroll I wish I was joking

 

Chocolate Thunder: a rickroll? Really, pretty boy?

 

Boy Wonder: whats a rickroll? Is that what you call the song?

 

LALALALALASAGNA: heres an explanation of a rickroll. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ&ab_channel=OfficialRickAstleyOfficialRickAstley

 

Boy Wonder: thanks rossi

 

Boy Wonder: that’s just the song???

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: Don’t do that Dave, he wanted an explanation.

 

LALALALALASAGNA: Sorry wife #4.

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: Heres an actual explanation. Hope this is helpful. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ&ab_channel=OfficialRickAstleyOfficialRickAstley

 

Boy Wonder: Thanks, Hotch. This is why you’re the favored surrogate father.

 

Boy Wonder has left BAU GROUPCHAT

 

Babygirl: OOP—

 

Babygirl has added Boy Wonder to BAU GROUPCHAT

 

Boy Wonder: ₍₍ ᕕ(´◓⌓◔)ᕗ⁾⁾ let me leave

 

Boy Wonder has left BAU GROUPCHAT

 

Babygirl has added Boy Wonder to BAU GROUPCHAT

 

LMFAO GAY: you cant escape our overlord, bitch boy

 

Babygirl: ( ━☞´◔‿ゝ◔`)━☞ what the lesbian said

 

Boy Wonder: Will someone actually explain it to me?

 

LMFAO GAY: here, a good explanation. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ&ab_channel=OfficialRickAstleyOfficialRickAstley

 

Boy Wonder: I’ve memorized the link. Nice try.

 

JJ: here spence. Im sorry everyone is bullying you https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ub82Xb1C8os

 

Boy Wonder: Thank you JJ. I can always trust you.

 

Boy Wonder has left BAU GROUPCHAT

 

JJ: RULE NUMBER ONE NEVER TRUST ANYBODY

Chapter Text

3:28 am

LMFAO GAY: heyyy

 

LMFAO GAY: anyyducy wnan gice mr a ridw.?

 

LALALALALASAGNA: Emily stop being an alcoholic.

 

LMFAO GAY: shtu thr afuk up

 

LALALALALASAGNA: “afuck”. Why are you suddenly Italian when drunk?

 

LMFAO GAY: afucca ayuo abirch

 

JJ: I’ll come get you, Em. Where are you at?

 

LMFAO GAY: ususl

 

JJ: usual. Got it.

 

LALALALALASAGNA: she does this often enough to have a usual?

 

JJ: are you actually surprised

 

LALALALALASAGNA: no

 

LMFAO GAY: m rihgt hrer

 

Boy Wonder: are they wrong?

 

LMFAO GAY: ni

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: it is three thirty in the morning please for the ever loving fuck go to sleep

 

Boy Wonder: ( •_• )>⌐■-■

 

Boy Wonder: (⌐■_■)

 

Boy Wonder: no

 

LMFAO GAY: waht e saidf.

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: as your dad (apparently), go to sleep. We have work in the morning

 

Babygirl: Father hath play the dad card (゜ロ゜)

 

LALALALALASAGNA: quality power move.

 

LMFAO GAY: fugin cowatd move.

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: You too Garcia?

 

Babygirl: Father, why doth though forsake us and command us to go to bed ? Are we not adults?

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: are you?

 

Chocolate Thunder: no

 

Babygirl: no

 

LMFAO GAY: no

 

JJ: no

 

Boy Wonder: yes

 

LALALALALASAGNA: yes

 

Babygirl: rossi gets a pass cuz hes like 80 but reid you’re fuckin babey.

 

LALALALALASAGNA: im not 80 wtf

 

Boy Wonder: im not “babey” im a functional adult.

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: did you eat dinner

 

Boy Wonder: I’m going to envoke my constitutional right to not perjure myself.

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: yeah that’s a no.

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: go eat something.

 

Boy Wonder: I cant cook to save my life and the only food left in this god forsaken apartment is a few expired cups of ramen and a lemon.

 

Chocolate Thunder: why the fuck do you have a lemon but not basic necessities?

 

Boy Wonder: because Garcia grew a lemon tree and gave me like seven. I pawned off six of them.

 

Babygirl: YOU SAID YOU MADE LEMONADE!!!

 

Boy Wonder: uh you know what ima take Hotch’s advice goodnight

 

LALALALALASAGNA: hes not actually going to bed, is he?

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: obviously not

 

JJ: I’ve got Emily.

 

JJ: shes gonna have to wait in the car while I pay her tab.

 

LMFAO GAY: FREER MEEEEEEEEEEE

 

Chocolate Thunder: don’t forget to leave the AC on or shell overheat

 

LMFAO GAY: IM NOY A FUGCIN SPANARD

 

Chocolate Thunder: Spaniard?

 

LMFAO GAY: SPANASD

 

LMFAO GAY: SPAEKL

 

LMFAO GAY: SSPARIEL

 

Chocolate Thunder: its okay take your time

 

LMFAO GAY: SPARISH

 

LMFAO GAY: SPARIIENAL

 

LMFAO GAY: SPANEIL

 

LMFAO GAY: SPANIEL

 

Chocolate Thunder: good job.

 

LMFAO GAY: @JJ LET ME OUUUTTT

 

JJ: no. You’re up against a powerful defense, my friend.

 

JJ: the child safety lock

 

LMFAO GAY: NOOOOIOOOOOOOPOOOOOOOIOOO

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: how appropriate.

 

JJ: [image attached: its taken from inside the bar looking through the window at JJ’s car, with Emily in the backseat. She has her face and hands pressed against the glass mouthing ‘free me’ over and over again.]

 

LALALALALASAGNA: glad you went and not me JJ.

 

LMFAO GAY: [image attached: its taken from inside the car, at JJ, who is not looking at the camera, inside the bar trying to pay Emily’s tab.]

 

LMFAO GAY: FUCKIGN RECENGE

 

Boy Wonder: your revenge aint shit

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE ASLEEP GOD FUCKING DA

 

Babygirl: he just stopped

 

Babygirl: we broke Hotch

 

Chocolate Thunder: shocked it took this long.

 

LMFAO GAY: good nhgit htoch

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: goodnight, Emily.

 

Boy Wonder: father figure instincts persist even after death.

 

Chocolate Thunder: half the time you type like you’re writing a research paper on us, and the other half you sound like a highschool girl.

 

Boy Wonder: you act like a highschool girl

 

Chocolate Thunder: you are a highschool girl

 

Boy Wonder: fuck you

 

Chocolate Thunder: gladly ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

Babygirl: you broke Reid

 

Babygirl: I think I can hear him blushing from here and im like twenty miles from his apartment.

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: if you don’t all go to bed im picking one of you to sacrifice

 

Babygirl: you won’t do that you love us too much

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: I’ll throw out the succulent on Reid’s desk.

 

Boy Wonder: noooo Lars

 

Chocolate Thunder: your plant is named lars?

 

Boy Wonder: yeah why?

 

Chocolate Thunder: figured you’d name it something stupid like Newton, or Dallek.

 

Boy Wonder: I can name things normal things.

 

Chocolate Thunder: what did you name your goldfish?

 

Boy Wonder: point taken

 

Babygirl: wait now im curious

 

Boy Wonder: Socrates and Kant

 

Chocolate Thunder: too nerdy. Going to bed

 

Babygirl: just me, rossi and 187.

 

LALALALALASAGNA: nope, its late. See ya.

 

Boy Wonder: same here, I don’t want Hotch to kill my plant.

 

Babygirl: oh.

 

LMFAO GAY: JJ I love yuo.

 

JJ: I need to drive now. Goodnight everybody.

 

```

 

11:32 am

 

LMFAO GAY: im never drinking again

 

Chocolate Thunder: that’s a fucking lie

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: language

 

Chocolate Thunder: really Hotch? Like you don’t swear

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: not in a groupchat with a bunch of overgrown children.

 

Boy Wonder: didn’t you swear yesterday?

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE has removed Boy Wonder from BAU GROUPCHAT

 

Chocolate Thunder: fucking hypocrite

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE has removed Chocolate Thunder from BAU GROUPCHAT

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: anybody else?

 

Babygirl: dang father has chosen violence

 

LMFAO GAY: I need a drink

 

LALALALALASAGNA: wow not drinking lasted like two minutes.

 

JJ: twice as long as last time.

 

LMFAO GAY: daaaaad theyre bullying meeeee

 

LALALALALASAGNA: is it bullying if its accurate

 

LMFAO GAY: daaAAAAAD

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: stop bullying Emily.

 

Babygirl has added Chocolate Thunder to BAU GROUPCHAT

 

Babygirl has added Boy Wonder to BAU GROUPCHAT

 

Babygirl: sorry hotch, but you can’t go removing two of my favorite people.

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: I’d kick you but you’d probably hack yourself back in.

 

Babygirl: smart move, boss man.

 

```

 

7:13 pm

 

LMFAO GAY: DAD DAD DAD DAD DAD DAD DAD DAD DAD

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: what

 

LMFAO GAY: HOW DO YOU PUT OUT A FIRE WITHOYT EXTUNGISHER

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: what did you do?

 

LMFAO GAY: FIRST OF ALL FUCK YOU IT WASN;T EVEN ME

 

LMFAO GAY: NOT MY FAULT YOU DIDN’T TEACH YORU SON HOW TO FUCKIN COOK

 

JJ: Emily you can’t cook to save your life

 

LMFAO GAY: I TRIED

 

LMFAO GAY sent an image

 

[image: a very blurry shot of the inside of Reid’s apartment, in the kitchen. There is a pan on the stove, but the pan and the stove and part of the counter is on fire. Reid appears to be screaming.]

 

LMFAO GAY: FUCK SPENCRE NO

 

Babygirl: YOU BETTER NOT KILL BOY WONDER

 

LMFAO GAY sent an image

 

[image: an even blurrier image of Reid next to the fire. The only real difference from the last photo is that Reid’s sweater sleeve is now on fire and he is in the process of hitting it, trying to put it out.]

 

LALALALALASAGNA: what the hell were you trying to make??

 

LMFAO GAY: PANCSKE

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: I swear to god Emily do I need to call the fire department?

 

LMFAO GAY: NO

 

JJ: its been like two minutes what happened.

 

LMFAO GAY sent an image

 

[image: a much less blurry photo. Reid’s countertop is no longer on fire but is covered in fire extinguisher stuff. Reid is standing looking annoyed, as he is also covered in fire extinguisher stuff.]

 

Chocolate Thunder: haha

 

Chocolate Thunder saved an image

 

Boy Wonder: I need a new family

 

Babygirl: this is already a surrogate what the heck else are you gonna find

 

Babygirl: besides, whos better than ME?

 

LMFAO GAY: danny devito.

 

Babygirl: normally I’d be mad but honestly that’s just facts.

 

Boy Wonder: remind me to not open the door the next time Emily is standing on the other side

 

LMFAO GAY: id just get Morgan to kick it down.

 

Chocolate Thunder: lol

 

Boy Wonder: all this work (and fire) and we don’t even get pancakes. (;へ:)

 

LMFAO GAY: hey JJ

 

JJ: what

 

LMFAO GAY: im covered in pancake batter

 

JJ: ok?

 

LMFAO GAY: wanna lick it off  ∠( ᐛ 」∠)

 

Chocolate Thunder: OO—

 

JJ: aren’t you also covered in smoke and fire extinguisher nectar

 

LMFAO GAY: ¯\_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_/¯

 

Boy Wonder: are we just ignoring “fire extinguisher nectar”?

 

Babygirl: hush 187, we’re waiting to see if the gays will admit their sexualities and undying love for eachother

 

Chocolate Thunder: about time

 

JJ: we’re literally right here

 

LMFAO GAY: yeah wtf guys

 

LMFAO GAY: plus lets be real y’all know im a lesbian.

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: congratulations on officially coming out.

 

LALALALALASAGNA: even if the closet you were in was made of glass and we could see right through it.

 

Babygirl: jeez, Rossi, let her have her moment.

 

LALALALALASAGNA: congrats.

 

Babygirl: anybody else wanna come out?? Nows the time!!

 

JJ: bisexual, as evidenced by the fact I have an ex-husband, and am probably going to end up with a wife, if things keep going the way they are haha.

 

LMFAO GAY: (灬♥w♥灬)

 

Chocolate Thunder: JJ you aren’t even dating her yet.

 

LMFAO GAY: fuCK I KNEW I FORGOT SOMETHING

LMFAO GAY: I THOUGHT I MAYBE LEFT THE FLAT IRON ON

 

JJ: you also did that

 

Boy Wonder: how do you even know that?

 

JJ: im JJ.

 

LMFAO GAY: more like GAYJAY

 

Babygirl changed JJ’s name to Gay-Jay

 

Gay-Jay: you know what, im okay with this.

 

Babygirl: back to coming out, im pan!

 

Chocolate Thunder: and we all support you forever, Babygirl.

 

Babygirl: (〜^∇^ )〜

 

Babygirl: whos next?!

 

Boy Wonder: I like dick.

 

LMFAO GAY: PFFT—

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: Reid.

 

Boy Wonder: peen

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE: Reid.

 

Boy Wonder: 8====D

 

BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE has removed Boy Wonder from BAU GROUPCHAT

 

Chocolate Thunder: homophobic.

 

LMFAO GAY: homophobic

 

Gay-Jay: homophobic

 

Babygirl changed BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE’s name to homophobic

 

Homophobic: I gave him three chances.

 

Chocolate Thunder: this isn’t fucking baseball.

 

Babygirl: okay so reid is now spamming me so

 

Babygirl has added Boy Wonder to BAU GROUPCHAT

 

Boy Wonder: revoke his admin privileges he’s mad with power.

 

Homophobic: im your unit chief

 

Babygirl: and I’m a tech goddess.

 

Babygirl has revoked Homophobic’s admin privileges.

 

Boy Wonder: perfect

 

Boy Wonder: now that that’s settled

 

Boy Wonder: penis ( •_•) ( •_•)>⌐■-■ (⌐■_■)

 

Homophobic: you’re going to lose your spot as my favorite child.

 

Boy Wonder: (゜ロ゜)

 

Homophobic: are you going to come out in a normal way?

 

Boy Wonder: hhhhhhhh

 

Boy Wonder: no

 

Boy Wonder: 🍆

 

Homophobic: JJ you’re my new favorite.

 

Boy Wonder: (ノ`□´)ノ⌒┻━┻

 

LMFAO GAY: when the hell did spencer develop a sense of humor

 

Gay-Jay: a sexual one at that.

 

Boy Wonder: when did Emily start working with us?

 

Chocolate Thunder: OOP—

 

LMFAO GAY: THE BETRAYAL ୧༼ ಠ益ಠ ༽୨

 

Babygirl: you’re up, Hotch!

 

Homophobic: I had a wife.

 

LALALALALASAGNA: Aaron.

 

Homophobic: dave I swear to god

 

LALALALALASAGNA: You’ve dated men

 

Homophobic: Dave.

 

LMFAO GAY: WHAAA

 

Babygirl: THE PLOT THICKENS!!!

 

Babygirl: WHO ROSSI LEMME DO MY TECH THING

 

Homophobic: Dave I swear to god I will rip your head off and drink your insides like a goddamn otterpop.

 

Boy Wonder: jesus fucking christ

 

Homophobic: language, Reid.

 

Chocolate Thunder: BRUH YOU JUST THREATENED TO RIP OFF ROSSIS HEAD AND DRINK HIS INNARS LIKE AN OTTERPOP AND YOU”RE STILL PULLING THE LANGUAGE CARD

 

Homophobic: yes.

 

Homophobic: do as I say, not as I do.

 

LMFAO GAY: well you say that you want to solve problems by making rossi into an otterpop… soo..

 

Gay-Jay: yeah! violence isn’t the answer, Hotch!

 

Boy Wonder: Indeed, it is the question.

 

Boy Wonder: and the answer is yes.

 

Chocolate Thunder: nO

 

LMFAO GAY: seriously why is Reid so goddamn funny?

 

Babygirl: your turn, Chocolate Thunder!

 

Chocolate Thunder: im straight

 

LMFAO GAY: yeah right

 

Chocolate Thunder: I am???

 

Gay-Jay: internalized homophobia much?

 

Chocolate Thunder: no im just straight.

 

LMFAO GAY: hang on hang on

 

LMFAO GAY: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/446278644323786874/

 

LMFAO GAY: what about now?

 

Babygirl: you broke him

 

Boy Wonder: why is it just a picture of me (and that fuckin picture at that)

 

Babygirl: you sweet innocent baby.

 

Babygirl: @Chocolate Thunder you can’t hide forever.

 

Chocolate Thunder: maybe im not straight.

 

Babygirl: well that’s everybody!

 

LALALALALASAGNA: you didn’t ask me

 

LMFAO GAY: you’re the token straight you basic ass bitch

 

LALALALALASAGNA: true lol

 

Chapter Text

11:26 am

 

Homophobic: @everyone is anyone available to pick up Jack from school today?

 

Gay-Jay: I’ll swing by his school after I pick up Henry, but I might be a little late.

 

Homophobic: thank you, JJ.

 

LALALALALASAGNA: Why do you need someone to pick him up?

 

Babygirl: ooooo is he on a date?

 

Homophobic: No, Garcia, I’m not on a date, I’m in a car accident.

 

LALALALALASAGNA: what

 

Boy Wonder: what do you mean you’re in one, and not you had one?

 

Homophobic sent an image

 

[image: A somewhat blurry photo, with Hotch in the center, slightly to the left as he seems to be trying to hold to phone steady. Hotch is sitting inside his car, doing his standard hotch face ™, except if you look out the windows the world is upside down. More accurately, his car is flipped over.]

 

LALALALALASAGNA: Aaron what the fuck???

 

Boy Wonder: you’ve called 911, right?

 

Homophobic: I wanted to make sure I had someone to pick up Jack first.

 

Chocolate Thunder: jesus christ Hotch call a damn ambulance.

 

Homophobic: ok

 

Gay-Jay: where’s Emily? I feel like she should have made a funny quip by now.

 

Babygirl: hey yeah. @LMFAO GAY where is our favorite alcoholic????

 

LMFAO GAY: srry was callin 911

 

LALALALALASAGNA: you too?!?! Why????

 

LMFAO GAY: car accident.

 

Homophobic: wait where are you

 

LMFAO GAY: like ten miles south of the Walmart

 

Homophobic: YOU HIT ME WITH YOUR FUCKIN CAR

 

LMFAO GAY: THAT WAS YOU?????

 

Gay-Jay: you’re kidding, right?

 

LMFAO GAY sent an image

 

[image: Emily sitting in her car, sticking her tongue out and giving a thumbs up. She, thankfully, is right-side-up. Though it’s clear by the interior and the smoke outside the car that she has indeed crashed her car.]

 

LALALALALASAGNA: I feel like I’ve aged ten years in two minutes just dealing with you.

 

LMFAO GAY: I love you too, pasta factory.

 

LALALALALASAGNA: eleven years.

 

Chocolate Thunder: what the hell are the odds of all the people for Prentiss to hit, she managed to hit Hotch.

 

Chocolate Thunder: Reid that was rhetorical.

 

Boy Wonder: (;﹏;)

 

Homophobic: I hear sirens, gotta go

 

Babygirl: Emily I swear if you kill Hotch

 

LMFAO GAY: relax, its fine.

 

LMFAO GAY: gotta blast

 

Chocolate Thunder: @Gay-Jay what do you see in this dumpster fire of a woman

 

Gay-Jay: ...

 

Gay-Jay: everything

 

```

 

12:03 pm

 

Homophobic: for anyone wondering, I’m fine.

 

Homophobic: @Gay-Jay I don’t need you to pick up Jack, I just wanted to make sure If I wasn’t, it was taken care of.

 

Gay-Jay: Are you sure? I’m more than happy to do it.

 

Homophobic: Thank you, but I’m alright.

 

Gay-Jay: @LMFAO GAY you alright?

 

LMFAO GAY: e

 

Boy Wonder: e?

 

LMFAO GAY: e.

 

LMFAO GAY sent an image

 

[image: Emily is sitting in a hospital bed. She is attempting to recreate the image from earlier, with the tongue and the thumbs up, but she is having difficulty due to her arm being in a brace.]

 

Homophobic: you know you can’t be in the field until your healed, right?

 

Homophobic: and please don’t answer with ‘e’.

 

LMFAO GAY: …

 

LMFAO GAY: ee.

 

Homophobic: I expect this kind of thing every day and yet every day I am cursed with the migraine of existing in the same universe as you.

 

LMFAO GAY: ee ┐(゚ ~゚ )┌

 

Gay-Jay: Either way, you probably shouldn’t drive yourself home, Em. I’ll come get you.

 

LMFAO GAY: eeeee ᕕ(⌐■_■)ᕗ ♪♬

 

Homophobic: emily if you don’t say something other than variations of “e” I swear to god.

 

Gay-Jay: I got this Hotch.

 

Gay-Jay: hey em

 

LMFAO GAY: e?

 

Gay-Jay: I love you.

 

LMFAO GAY: I LOVE YOU TOO ( ★^O^★ )

 

LALALALALASAGNA: e is solved with love.

 

LALALALALASAGNA: that’s cute.

 

LALALALALASAGNA: I would’ve picked violence.

 

LMFAO GAY: shut up you basic ass cishet ass spaghetti ass motherfucker.

 

Babygirl changed LALALALALASAGNA’s name to Spaghetti ass motherfucker.

 

Spaghetti ass motherfucker: I preferred e’s.

 

```

 

4:54 pm

 

Gay-Jay sent an image

 

[image: JJ smiles at the camera, though she looks tired. Beside her, head resting on her shoulder, is Emily. Despite being asleep, as seen by the string of drool connecting her mouth to JJ’s shoulder, she is smiling slightly.]

 

Babygirl saved an image

 

Babygirl: OMG AWW

 

Boy Wonder: just date already oh my god.

 

Gay-Jay: it’s a tad more fun to make her court me.

 

Chocolate Thunder: you’ve got a loose definition of courting.

 

Gay-Jay: She does it in her own special way.

 

Chocolate Thunder: yesterday she walked up to you making coffee, flopped onto the counter, and asked you to paint her like one of your French girls.

 

Gay-Jay: that’s what I get for giving her that one drawing.

 

Boy Wonder: and last week, she walked over to your desk in the bullpen, leaned against it, put sunglasses on, and said ‘I seem to have lost my virginity. Can I borrow yours?’ and proceeded to agressivly wiggle her eyebrows.

 

Gay-Jay: it was pretty clever tbh.

 

Spaghetti ass motherfucker: and last weekend she pointed to your shoes and said ‘walkin in those heels looks hard but its not the only thing that’s hard.’

 

Gay-Jay: then she followed it with ‘its also hard to keep our heads up in this job, which is why I log onto better help.com’

 

Chocolate Thunder: no wonder she backpedaled, you gave her the mom look.

 

Babygirl: Emily is absolutely head over heels for you. And I know you love her back.

 

Gay-Jay: ha. Ha. I’m gonna go. She might be unconscious, but im finishing the movie if it kills me.

 

```

 

Private Message: Babygirl and LMFAO GAY

December 13, 2:21 am

 

LMFAO GAY: you up?

 

Babygirl: Of course, goddesses never sleep.

 

Babygirl: what’s up?

 

LMFAO GAY: hhhhhh JJ

 

Babygirl: just be more forward, ask her out!

 

LMFAO GAY: I have…?

 

Babygirl: sweetie, asking her to fuck you in increasingly creative ways isn’t exactly asking her out.

 

LMFAO GAY: That’s my love language

 

Babygirl: And she loves that about you. But I think if you want her to actually date you, you should genuinely ask her on a date. And make it clear it is a date.


LMFAO GAY: you really think so?

 

Babygirl: yeah!

 

Babygirl: heck, I’ll tell you what!

 

Babygirl: if you ask her out before the annual Christmas party next week at Rossi’s house, I’ll MAKE SURE you and her end up under the mistletoe!

 

LMFAO GAY: …

 

LMFAO GAY: I’m down for a challenge.

 

LMFAO GAY: You’re literally the best human.

 

Babygirl: aww I love you too

 

LMFAO GAY: like, seriously. I would let a baby die before I let you get a splinter.

 

Babygirl: Wow that’s concerning! But wholesome! (✿◠‿◠)

 

LMFAO GAY: thanks, Penelope.

 

Babygirl: any time!

 

LMFAO GAY: just to be clear, I can’t ask her to peg me?

 

Babygirl: no

 

LMFAO GAY: fuck

Chapter Text

Private message between LMFAO GAY and Homophobic

 

5:26 am

 

LMFAO GAY: you had a wife that means at some point you had a girlfriend

 

Homophobic: yes. Where are you going with this?

 

LMFAO GAY: flowers

 

LMFAO GAY: whats good for girlfriends

 

Homophobic: does that translate to “what should I get for JJ”?

 

LMFAO GAY: on  one hand, how dare you make assumptions

 

LMFAO GAY: on the other hand, yes.

 

LMFAO GAY: please help me

 

Homophobic: try either tulips or carnations.

 

LMFAO GAY: what about mums? They look cool

 

Homophobic: Emily those symbolize death please don’t get those.

 

LMFAO GAY: this is why you’re a good father

 

LMFAO GAY sent an image

 

[image: Emily holding a bouquet of flowers, being tulips and carnations. In the center is a single chrysanthemum.]

 

Homophobic: why the mum?

 

LMFAO GAY: gotta keep her on her toes lol

 

LMFAO GAY: besides, not everyone speaks flower.

 

Homophobic: Is that all you needed?

 

LMFAO GAY: yeah thanks

 

Homophobic: no problem.

 

```

 

BAU GROUPCHAT

 

7:30 am

 

Gay-Jay: Why are there flowers on my desk? Does anyone know who sent them?

 

Boy Wonder: absolutely no idea why would you insinuate that we would

 

```

 

Private message between Chocolate Thunder and Boy Wonder

 

7:30 am

 

Chocolate Thunder: smooth. Nailed it.

 

Boy Wonder: ٩( ^ᴗ^ )۶

 

Chocolate Thunder: */s

 

Boy Wonder: (-̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥᷄_-̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥᷅ )

 

```

 

BAU GROUPCHAT

 

7:31 am

 

Gay-Jay: shit I bet it was Will. It’s been three years, I wish he’d just stop trying. He gets to have joint custody of the boys is that really not enough?

 

LMFAO GAY: are they pretty tho?

 

Gay-Jay: I mean, I guess. But still. If I still was in contact with Elle I’d ask her to kill him.

 

LMFAO GAY: I’ll kill your ex husband!

 

Gay-Jay: no thanks, em. I’d rather you not go to jail.

 

Babygirl: and Elle wouldn’t???

 

Gay-Jay: she lowkey already got away with it

 

Babygirl: true

 

Boy Wonder: stop slandering Elle. She’s not here to defend herself.

 

Homophobic: is it slander if it’s true?

 

Boy Wonder: 凸( •̀_•́ )凸

 

```

 

Private Message between Homophobic and LMFAO GAY

 

7:33 am

 

Homophobic: did you really forget to label who the flowers were from?

 

LMFAO GAY: ┐(゚ ~゚ )┌

 

Homophobic: Prentiss you are an FBI agent how are you constantly like this?

 

LMFAO GAY: that was a little rude

 

Homophobic: is it rude if it’s accurate?

 

LMFAO GAY: ye

 

Homophobic: then I’m an asshole

 

LMFAO GAY: (apparently you took it in the asshole ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°))

 

Homophobic: I will not hesitate to block you

 

LMFAO GAY: lol fair

 

```

 

BAU GROUPCHAT

 

10:54 am

 

Babygirl: Emily be like: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFVaH0E9X3s&ab_channel=Incognito

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: true

 

LMFAO GAY: true, but also HEY!

 

Chocolate Thunder: oooo what would the rest of us be as vines?

 

LMFAO GAY: that’s a damn good question. Garcia?

 

Babygirl: on it.

 

Babygirl: hotch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7d7whWu1z3w&ab_channel=GabrielTabascoSauceGabrielTabascoSauce

 

Babygirl: reid: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIlNIVXpIns&ab_channel=LemonLemon

 

Babygirl: derek: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax27VgI-lVE&ab_channel=MelissaRomeroMelissaRomero

 

Babygirl: jj: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTVPLus5Ol0&ab_channel=HumorBubbleHumorBubble

 

Babygirl: and rossi: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=im_3ClEtPHs

 

LMFAO GAY: wait but these are so accurate lmfaoooo

 

Homophobic: I don’t understand my selected vine.

 

LMFAO GAY: like you wouldn’t do that after two seconds of being around us

 

Homophobic: I understand my selected vine.

 

Chocolate Thunder: I disagree with Reid’s vine.

 

Babygirl: ooo what do you think it should be?

 

Chocolate Thunder: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zs2hYBkVqeI

 

Babygirl: that’s so true lmfao

 

Boy Wonder: no offense but putting my dick in a blender would be better than pussy

 

Homophobic: Reid I swear to god everything about that sentence was bad I don’t even know where to begin.

 

LMFAO GAY: what, did you forget about the whole peen thing?

 

Homophobic: no, it’s permanently burned into my memory.

 

Boy Wonder: then why don’t you expect it by now male parental unit?

 

Homophobic: because I end up thinking you’ll be better than last time in conversation

 

LMFAO GAY: fuckin stupid but okay

 

Babygirl: honestly im just proud he knows what vine is

 

Chocolate Thunder: im impressed him and reid both know what vine is.

 

LMFAO GAY: im impressed jj doesn’t realize how much I want to fuck her

 

Boy Wonder: I’m impressed Hotch hasn’t made us delete this groupchat

 

Gay-Jay: I’m impressed rossi has been this quiet.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: im impressed you’re just ignoring Emily

 

Homophobic: im impressed at how much you all avoid doing your paperwork.

 

Boy Wonder: I already finished mine

 

Homophobic: I know, Reid.

 

Chocolate Thunder: I finished mine too

 

Homophobic: pawning your paperwork off on Reid does not count as finishing it.

 

Homophobic: that also counts for you, Emily.

 

LMFAO GAY: ୧༼ ಠ益ಠ ༽୨

 

Homophobic: you all need to stop getting Reid to do your paperwork. That’s not his job.

 

Boy Wonder: I don’t mind, tho. Its just something to do.

 

Gay-Jay: we really need to work on setting boundaries. You shouldn’t be doing everybody’s work.

 

Boy Wonder: ( p_q)

 

```

 

Private Message between Babygirl and LMFAO GAY

 

12:22 pm.

 

Babygirl: hon, if you’re gonna send flowers, you can’t make JJ think they came from Will.

 

LMFAO GAY: yeah I gOT THAT THANKS

 

Babygirl: I have a suggestion.

 

LMFAO GAY: shoot

 

Babygirl: how about, and here me all the way through

 

Babygirl: you just say “hey, JJ, do you wanna go get dinner some time?”

 

Babygirl: ya know

 

Babygirl: LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING

 

LMFAO GAY: IM NOT A NORMAL HUMAN BEING

 

Babygirl: I KNOW BUT STILL

 

LMFAO GAY: WHY ARE WE YELLING

 

Babygirl: I DON’T KNOW

 

LMFAO GAY: FUCK

 

```

 

BAU GROUPCHAT

1:36 am

 

LMFAO GAY: rossi

 

LMFAO GAY: your recipe made my coffee pot blow up.

 

LMFAO GAY: asshole

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: none of my recipes involve a coffee pot????

 

LMFAO GAY: I didn’t have a pan

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: and you used a fucking coffee pot?

 

LMFAO GAY: the recipe didn’t say not to

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: it was implied.

 

Boy Wonder: @LMFAO GAY pics or it didn’t happen

 

LMFAO GAY sent an image

 

[image: a photo of what was once a coffee pot on the counter in Emily’s kitchen. Glass is everywhere, and marinara sauce is splattered on the counter and the walls, looking vaguely like a crime scene, spare for the noodles strewn about.]

 

Homophobic: how did you even do that

 

LMFAO GAY: gay of chaos

 

Homophobic: oh true

 

LMFAO GAY: welp

 

LMFAO GAY: still hungry, good thing im cool enough to eat wall pasta. And floor pasta.

 

LMFAO GAY: pasta with a surprise

 

Boy Wonder: wait wouldn’t there be glass in the pasta???

 

LMFAO GAY: yeah that’s the surprise. Keep up.

 

Gay-Jay: please don’t eat glass.

 

LMFAO GAY: fair. It’d be harder to French you if my tongue is filled with glass shards.

 

Gay-Jay: Okay, just don’t eat the glass. I’m going back to sleep. I have the boys tomorrow and I need all the rest I can get.

 

Boy Wonder: I’ll watch them if you need.

 

Gay-Jay: is that for my benefit or yours?

 

Chocolate Thunder sent a gif

 

[gif: that one scene in the Road to El Dorado, where Miguel and Tulio look at eachother and say “both? Both is good.”]

 

LMFAO GAY: lmao

Chapter Text

7:36 am

 

Homophobic: does anyone have an explanation as to why while doing my grocery shopping this morning, I was called over the intercom to the front of the store to find a woman asking if ‘these two belonged to me’ while gesturing to Prentiss and Reid?

 

Babygirl: well, obviously they got separated from you and as such did the responsible thing and asked an employee to reunite them with their dad.

 

Homophobic: yeah except there’s only one problem with that theory

 

Babygirl: ?

 

Homophobic: I didn’t bring them with me to the store.

 

Babygirl: AHDHFHFJSKS

 

Boy Wonder: Garcia what even is that?

 

Babygirl: it’s a keysmash. You can hit any keys to make one.

 

Boy Wonder: oh okay

 

Boy Wonder: 7

 

Babygirl: close enough.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: I feel like we’re ignoring the absolute madness of the last conversation???

 

LMFAO GAY: he is our Involuntary Father. He didn’t want to be, but he doesn’t have a choice.

 

Babygirl changed Homophobic’s name to Involuntary Father

 

Involuntary Father: honestly, that’s fair.

 

Involuntary Father: either way, I need to go to Walmart, since I need to get some stuff for Jack’s school project, but now I have two stowaways.

 

Chocolate Thunder: make that three, I need to grab some stuff too, can ya pick me up and bring me along?

 

Babygirl: me too! I go where my angel of handsomness goes!

 

Gay-Jay: Henry needs some new Tupperware, count me in.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: I’m bored. I’ll come too.

 

Involuntary Father: I hate all of you

 

LMFAO GAY: we love you too dad

 

```

 

8:23 am

 

Involuntary Father: it is 8:23. Let’s see how long it takes to lose someone.

 

LMFAO GAY: hey jj wanna go look at clothes, there’s a clearance sale

 

Gay-Jay: sure

 

Involuntary Father: that was fast.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: I’m gonna look at furniture.

 

Babygirl: hey Derek wanna look at electronics?

 

Chocolate Thunder: sure.

 

 

```

 

8:34 am

 

Chocolate Thunder: wait where did Reid go? Anybody with him?

 

Gay-Jay: not with me or Emily

 

Babygirl: im with derek

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: not here

 

Involuntary Father: still with me.

 

Boy Wonder: I have an uncanny ability to get left behind, I’m not risking it.

 

Gay-Jay: responsible. That’s fair.

 

Chocolate Thunder: boring. Be adventurous pretty boy

 

Boy Wonder: I guess my plant could use a second plant to sit next to it.

 

Chocolate Thunder: there you go!

 

Boy Wonder: yeah. I’ll go look in the plant section.

 

```

 

8:59 am

 

Gay-Jay: I’ve got all the tupperwear I need, and some clothes I picked out with Emily.

 

LMFAO GAY: yeah I got clothes too. We’re both done.

 

Chocolate Thunder: Garcia picked out some tech thing I don’t understand. We’re both done.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: same here, I got a new lamp.

 

LMFAO GAY: why do you need a new lamp?

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: you’re literally the one who broke it

 

LMFAO GAY: what??? No I didn’t?? why would I break your lamp?

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: because Morgan said “careful of the lamp” and you said “don’t tell me what to do you bald fuck” and proceeded to pick up the lamp and try to juggle it.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: emphasis on the ‘try’

 

LMFAO GAY: oh yeah

 

LMFAO GAY: that

 

Involuntary Father: im done as well. Lets check out then meet in the car and I’ll drive you all home.

 

Gay-Jay: cool. Thanks, Hotch.

 

```

 

9:08 am

 

Boy Wonder: are you sure nobody forgot anything?

 

LMFAO GAY: yeah. we all got what we wanted. Why do you ask?

 

Boy Wonder: I want you to list who all is in the car

 

LMFAO GAY: uhh me, hotch, rossi, Garcia, morgan and jj. Why?

 

LMFAO GAY: oh

 

LMFAO GAY: OH FUCK

 

Boy Wonder: im not even surprised anymore

 

Chocolate Thunder: Hotch did a u-turn. We’re coming back for ya.

 

Boy Wonder: I blame you morgan

 

Chocolate Thunder: (゜ロ゜)

 

Chocolate Thunder: why???

 

Boy Wonder: I didn’t want to leave dad but you were all ‘OoH bE aDVentUrOuS!!’

 

Chocolate Thunder: fair

 

Chocolate Thunder: but did you get a plant?

 

Boy Wonder: …

 

Boy Wonder sent an image

 

[image: a poorly taken photo of a plant. The main problem is that his thumb covers nearly the whole thing]

 

Babygirl: you sweet innocent baby

 

Babygirl: please never change

 

LMFAO GAY: he’s changed a lot, tbh

 

Boy Wonder: we’re supposed to.

 

LMFAO GAY: stop being all deep and stuff. Say something not deep

 

Boy Wonder: I also bought one of those pretzels. The annie ones.

 

LMFAO GAY: and you DIDN’T GET ME ANYTHING???

 

Boy Wonder sent an image

 

[image: a slightly better quality picture of not one, but two pretzels. Reid’s thumb is still like a third of the photo]

 

Boy Wonder: ( •_•) ( •_•)>⌐■-■ (⌐■_■)

 

LMFAO GAY: SPENCER I LOVE YOU

 

Chocolate Thunder: but nothing for the love of your life, huh? I see how it is, pretty boy.

 

Boy Wonder: do you doubt me?

 

Boy Wonder sent an image

 

[image: a once again not good image of the inside of a bag. Inside are seven pretzels]

 

Babygirl: yayyy you love us!!!

 

Boy Wonder: I haven’t made that clear by now? I need to work harder at that, then.

 

Chocolate Thunder: wait reid no

 

Boy Wonder: too late, already planning things

 

Chocolate Thunder: you work hard in every other department of your life im begging you

 

Chocolate Thunder: we already know you love us

 

Boy Wonder: I can’t hear you over the deafening sound of my infinite love for all of you

 

LMFAO GAY: ‘hear’ BITCH YOU”RE READING IT OFF A SCREEN

 

Boy Wonder: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: Reid, we’ll be at the Walmart in like five minutes don’t go with strangers or something idk

 

Boy Wonder: ??? Im not actually a child, you do realize that right? Besides, even when I was a kid I wouldn’t go with strangers. That’s why I wasn’t the one murdered.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: you were saving your ‘get murdered’ goal for when you became an adult, seeing how often you get kidnapped/held hostage/shot

 

Boy Wonder: I really want to argue with that, but honestly, fair.

 

Gay-Jay: we’re here Spence

 

Boy Wonder: thanks

 

LMFAO GAY: yeah yeah we love you gimme pretzel

 

Boy Wonder: ok

 

```

 

2:38 pm

 

Boy Wonder: hey hotch?

 

Involuntary Father: what?

 

Boy Wonder: am I allowed to kill Anderson?

 

Chocolate Thunder: Anderson doesn’t even work in the field but I can still guarantee he could snap you like a toothpick

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: jeez

 

Involuntary Father: he’s not even here right now, he said he had to do something quick, and that it was an emergency. He left like ten minutes ago.

 

LMFAO GAY: wait why are we murdering Anderson? Like, im on board, but I wanna know why

 

Involuntary Father: Nobody is killing Anderson.

 

Chocolate Thunder: I vote poison.

 

Boy Wonder: clever! Preferably Cyanide, since it’s fast acting, and tastes sweet so it’s not as noticeable.

 

Involuntary Father: No. Nobody is killing Anderson.

 

LMFAO GAY: I’ll get rid of the body. It’ll be like he disappeared off the face of the Earth.

 

Gay-Jay: don’t forget to crush up the bones.

 

Involuntary Father: NOBODY IS KILLING ANDERSON

 

LMFAO GAY: lame

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: alright I’ll ask

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: what did Anderson do?

 

Boy Wonder: he killed my plant (-̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥᷄_-̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥᷅ )

 

Chocolate Thunder: why did he do that?

 

Boy Wonder: I don’t know but he killed my plant.

 

Involuntary Father: Reid I will buy you a new plant if it keeps you from murdering Anderson.

 

Boy Wonder: it’s not the same. I liked my plant.

 

Gay-Jay: maybe it was an accident?

 

Babygirl: if it was, he’s pretty stupid

 

Babygirl: I watched the security footage.

 

Involuntary Father: don’t you have to ask permission to do that here?

 

Boy Wonder: I asked her to

 

Involuntary Father: im not mad just ask next time

 

Babygirl sent a video

 

[video: its from a surveillance camera. Reid’s desk is unoccupied, and his plant (the one he named Lars) is sitting on the corner of his desk. Grant Anderson walks by and looks at the plant. He stares for a moment, before unscrewing the cap to his quarter gallon water and pouring it on the plant. The sudden excess water, given the fact it is a succulent and was only recently moved to a different pot, causes the soil to float and the plant to float with it. As the water spills, the plant flops onto the floor. Anderson seems to panic, seeing the damage, and kicks the plant under the desk. He freezes for a moment, before seeming to cringe at his actions. He screws the top of his water bottle back on and walks away, looking ashamed]

 

Boy Wonder: my plannnnnnttt Laarrrrsssssssssss

 

Chocolate Thunder: I’m sorry, pretty boy. That sucks. I can’t kill Anderson or Hotch will be mad at me, but if you want I’ll tell him off.

 

Boy Wonder: thanks morgan.

 

Boy Wonder: just to be clear that was a no on the cyanide?

 

Involuntary Father: WE ARE NOT KILLING ANDERSON

 

```

 

2:53 pm

 

Babygirl: oh man Anderson just arrived back here. I’m watching the cameras now (srry Hotch)

 

Involuntary Father: its fine, make sure nobody kills him.

 

Babygirl: wait he’s holding something

 

Babygirl: omggggggggggggggggg

 

LMFAO GAY: what???

 

Gay-Jay: whats goin on?

 

Boy Wonder: Anderson can be spared.

 

Chocolate Thunder: that was a quick turnaround. What happened?

 

Babygirl: dw spencer, I got this

 

Babygirl sent a video

 

[video: from the same camera as before. Reid is sitting at his desk, doing some kind of paperwork. Anderson walks up to him, and Reid glares. Anderson looks sorry and sets a new plant on Reid’s desk, a similar succulent. He speaks, though the cameras don’t really pick up what he’s saying, but he seems to say sorry multiple times. Reid inspects the plant, and smiles, nodding. He doesn’t shake hands with Anderson, given the aversion to physical contact, but Anderson doesn’t seem to mind, and smiles back, walking away to go back to whatever work was neglected while he went on a plant run]

 

LMFAO GAY: oh fuck that’s wholesome. I don’t even have anything sarcastic to say about that.

 

Gay-Jay: are you gonna name this one?

 

Boy Wonder: yeah but I gotta think. I liked the name Lars, but it would be disrespectful to name him after his fallen brother.

 

LMFAO GAY: makes sense, but can we please acknowledge the fact Reid just called Lars the plant the new plant’s “fallen brother”

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: it’s been acknowledged.

 

Boy Wonder: any ideas?

 

LMFAO GAY: name it beans lol

 

Boy Wonder: …

 

Boy Wonder: yeah okay

 

Involuntary Father: Beans the succulent it is. Now please get back to work.

 

Boy Wonder: ok

 

```

 

11:30 pm

 

LMFAO GAY: hey hey hey hey hey hey JJ

 

Gay-Jay: whats up?

 

LMFAO GAY: look outside

 

Gay-Jay: ok one sec

 

Gay-Jay: there’s nothing there? Is there supposed to be?

 

LMFAO GAY: the front window, not the back

 

Gay-Jay: I am looking out the front, why would I look out the back?

 

LMFAO GAY: like at your driveway?

 

Gay-Jay: yes, Emily. What is this about.

 

LMFAO GAY: oh no

 

LMFAO GAY: @Chocolate Thunder IM CALLING IN THAT FAVOR I NEED HELP ASAP ILL TEXT YOU THE ADDRESS

 

Chocolate Thunder: WHAT DID YOU DO

 

LMFAO GAY: I DID SOME THINGS EXCEPT IN FRONT OF THE WRONG HOUSE

 

LMFAO GAY: JUST TEXTED YOU THE ADDRESS GO GO GO GO GO

 

Chocolate Thunder: im on my way

 

Chocolate Thunder: alright im turning onto the street now

 

Chocolate Thunder: oh mY GOD EMILY WHAT THE FUCK

 

LMFAO GAY: BOTH ADDRESSES WERE NEXT TO EACHOTHER IN MY CONTACTS IM SORRY

 

Boy Wonder: I’m lost, what’s happening?

 

Babygirl: Emily tried to do something for JJ, likely a romantic gesture, except she apparently clicked an address just above or below it in her phone and did it infront of the wrong house.

 

Boy Wonder: ok thanks

 

Boy Wonder: wait.

 

Boy Wonder: the closest letter to J is H If we think about who she would have in her contacts.

 

Boy Wonder: and JJ lives in a similar neighborhood as Hotch, with a similar house.

 

Babygirl: you don’t think…

 

Involuntary Father: why the actual FUCK are two TRAINED FBI AGENTS SCRAMBLING AROUND MY FRONT YARD SHOUTING AND PICKING UP FLOWER PETALS AND WHATEVER THE FUCK ELSE THEY SCATTERED IN MY YARD

 

Boy Wonder: I do think, actually, Pennelope.

 

Babygirl: Hotch, I’m literally begging you to send a photo

 

Involuntary Father sent an image

 

[image: Taken from a second story window, looking down at his front yard. There are flower petals in the shape of a massive heart, though its half destroyed. There is also a projector, blasting a light onto the driveway that says “I LOVE YOU JJ”, though its now sideways. Emily and Morgan are blurry, since theyre running. Morgan is shoving what appears to be an old fashioned boom-box into the trunk of Emily’s car, while Emily seems to be in the process of falling, given the fact she Is horizontal and suspended in the air by nothing and seems to be screaming.]

 

Gay-Jay: aww

 

LMFAO GAY: I TRIED THE GESTURE IT DIDN’T WORKKKKKKKK

 

Gay-Jay: Maybe it did?

 

LMFAO GAY: I got the wrong house though..?

 

Gay-Jay: the effort is there.

 

Gay-Jay: I love you too.

 

LMFAO GAY: I don’t really know how to ask this like a normal person

 

LMFAO GAY: but do you wanna maybe get dinner or something tomorrow?

 

Gay-Jay: I would love to. Pick me up at 7?

 

LMFAO GAY: it’s a date!!!!!

 

Babygirl: YESS YOU DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Babygirl: And in good time, too. The party is next week!

 

Gay-Jay: ?

 

Babygirl: NOTHING

 

Boy Wonder: I can practically hear Emily cheering from here

 

Involuntary Father: I can literally hear Emily cheering from here.

 

Involuntary Father sent a video

 

[video: ten seconds of Emily jumping up and down, doing jazz hands and cheering “she said yes” over and over]

 

Chocolate Thunder: she needs to chill before someone thinks she got engaged

 

LMFAO GAY: MAYBE YOU CHILL

 

LMFAO GAY: YOU”RE JUST SAD YOUR BOYFRIEND DOESN’T KNOW YOURE DATING YET

 

Boy Wonder: you have a boyfriend?

 

Chocolate Thunder: no, pretty boy. He’s to oblivious to figure out when I’m asking him out.

 

Boy Wonder: oh, that’s unfortunate. Hope it works out.

 

Chocolate Thunder: me too, pretty boy.

 

Babygirl: and on that note, I’ll start planning Em and JJ’s wedding

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: acting like you haven’t been planning it for years

 

Babygirl sent an image

 

[image: a binder that is incredibly thick, papers sticking out from all angles. The front says “WEDDING PLANNING” with many drawings of flowers]

 

Babygirl: true.

Chapter Text

4:31 pm

 

LMFAO GAY created a groupchat

 

LMFAO GAY added Babygirl, Chocolate Thunder, Boy Wonder, and Involuntary Father to the groupchat

 

LMFAO GAY named the groupchat RELATIONSHIP HELP LOL

 

Involuntary Father: Is one groupchat not enough?

 

LMFAO GAY: I wasn’t going to add you but as my father I feel like you are obligated to help me.

 

Chocolate Thunder: alright, I get why JJ isn’t here, duh, but why isn’t Rossi?

 

LMFAO GAY: he’s no help, he’s the token cishet.

 

Babygirl: and don’t you dare say you are too, handsome, we both know that’s not true.

 

Chocolate Thunder: it’s a good thing I love you, Pen.

 

Boy Wonder: wait why am I here?

 

LMFAO GAY: I just didn’t want you to feel left out.

 

Boy Wonder: normally I’d be offended, but honestly, thanks.

 

LMFAO GAY: np

 

LMFAO GAY: now, to the matter at hand.

 

LMFAO GAY: what should I wear?

 

Chocolate Thunder: Clothes.

 

LMFAO GAY: WOW THANKS THAT’S IT EXACTLY YOU GENIUS

 

Boy Wonder: ????? he just said clothes???

 

LMFAO GAY: */s

 

Boy Wonder: oh. Again, thank you.

 

Babygirl: something hot, duh.

 

LMFAO GAY: I look hot in everything, Garcia.

 

Babygirl: true.

 

Involuntary Father: something that makes it look like you tried, but not too hard, or she might feel like you look better than she does, or that you made more of an effort. Maybe that one black dress you have, or if it’s slightly more casual, your red sweater and some black pants?

 

LMFAO GAY: thank you for being the only helpful one

 

LMFAO GAY sent an image

 

[image: two dresses hanging on the door to her closet, showing them both off. One is black, more formfitting, and has a tad of a sweetheart neckline. It looks like it will go down to just above the knee. The second dress is also black and has a drop waist. The top is cut like a bateau.]

 

Babygirl: I vote the first one!

 

Boy Wonder: I agree with Garcia.

 

Chocolate Thunder: same here.

 

Involuntary Father: yep.

 

LMFAO GAY: thanks guys! I’ll text a pic when I’m ready so you can see how I look!

 

LMFAO GAY: god I’m so excited!!!

 

Boy Wonder: we noticed /s

 

```

5:01 pm

Gay-Jay has created a groupchat

 

Gay-Jay has added Involuntary Father, Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker, Chocolate Thunder, Boy Wonder, and Babygirl to the groupchat

 

Gay-Jay has named the groupchat Date Help

 

Gay-Jay: hey, guys. Any suggestions on what I should wear?

 

Involuntary Father: something formal, but not so formal to make Prentiss feel like you’re trying to upstage her.

 

Babygirl: oh! How about that one blue dress you have! The one with the ribbon thingy in the middle!

 

Boy Wonder: Do you mean a midriff yoke, Garcia? It’s not exactly a “ribbon thingy”.

 

Chocolate Thunder: okay, I know you know everything, but why do you know stuff about womens fashion???

 

Boy Wonder: idk /j

 

Babygirl: I’m not questioning it, I’m just gonna roll with it.

 

Gay-Jay: either way, thanks guys.

 

Babygirl: have fun!!!

 

```

 

RELATIONSHIP HELP LOL

 

7:31 pm

 

LMFAO GAY: psst quick question while JJ is in the bathroom

 

Babygirl: shoot, pretty sure we’re all by our phones waiting.

 

LMFAO GAY: okay so they have like complimentary breadsticks

 

LMFAO GAY: how many is too many? I don’t wanna look fuckin weird

 

Boy Wonder: If you didn’t want to look weird, you’d have to fundamentally alter your personality. You are a weird person, and I’m fairly certain that’s exactly why JJ likes you. Changing that would only hinder the date. It’s the most frustrating advice to give, but try and be yourself, since it’s pretty clear that’s the person she most loves.

 

LMFAO GAY: when did you get this damn good at relationships??? That felt like something that would come from Morgan or Hotch

 

Boy Wonder: by like the third heartbreak lol

 

Chocolate Thunder: you’ve dated three people???

 

LMFAO GAY: time out for yee, time out for yee, focus on issues and focus on ME

 

Chocolate Thunder: right sorry


Chocolate Thunder: honestly reid said everything I would

 

Involuntary Father: same here. She already loves, you can’t do much wrong.

 

LMFAO GAY: thank’s guys

 

Boy Wonder: no problem

 

```

 

Dating Help

7:32

 

Gay-Jay: I got up to use the restroom, anybody got any pointers. Like, there’s no use in small talk, since we’re already best friends. I already know a lot about her.

 

Involuntary Father: exactly. Just try and have fun, since you both already know and love eachother. Stupid stories, anecdotes you haven’t told yet, stuff like that.

 

Boy Wonder: but don’t randomly bring up trauma, dates typically don’t know how to respond if they haven’t experienced similar trauma.

 

Chocolate Thunder: Seriously why the fuck do you have such experience??????

 

```

 

BAU GROUPCHAT

 

2:32 am

 

Babygirl: has anybody heard anything else from Em or JJ?

 

Boy Wonder: I haven’t.

 

Chocolate Thunder: same here

 

Involuntary Father: they’re probably still out having fun. Let’s not blow up their phones

 

Boy Wonder: fair.

 

Involuntary Father: wait why are you all awake?

 

Boy Wonder: golly gee would you look at the time gotta go to bed now and it’ll be tickity-boo.

 

Chocolate Thunder: why do you turn into a polite Victorian gentleman when you’re panicking?

 

Babygirl: also you know weird old slang but you didn’t know what “yeet” meant.

 

Boy Wonder: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

Involuntary Father: goodnight, everyone. Except Prentiss and JJ, I assume you wont be sleeping for a while.

 

```

 

8:32 am

 

Boy Wonder: @Involuntary Father may I make an observation on my coworkers if it doesn’t count as profiling?

 

Involuntary Father: I guess?

 

Boy Wonder: JJ is wearing Emily’s perfume today.

 

Boy Wonder: and the sweater Emily is wearing belongs to JJ.

 

Chocolate Thunder: You understand why, right? /srs

 

Boy Wonder: Don’t patronize me

 

Chocolate Thunder: lol fair

 

Babygirl: how was the date, gals?

 

Gay-Jay: it was really good! We went to this nice restaurant downtown, and then we went back to my place to watch a movie and chill

 

LMFAO GAY: chill ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

LMFAO GAY: hey JJ, wanna do it again? (the date, though other events are much enjoyed)

 

Gay-Jay: yeah sure lol

 

Babygirl: I’m so happy for you two!!!

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: same

 

Involuntary Father: Agreed, except I don’t know who to give the standard “you hurt her and I hurt you” talk to

 

LMFAO GAY: probably me, lets be honest

 

Involuntary Father: yeah I just didn’t want to say it.

 

Involuntary Father: If you hurt JJ, you won’t get off easy.

 

LMFAO GAY: Obviously. How am I getting off if JJ is hurt???

 

Chocolate Thunder: PPFFFT---

 

Involuntary Father: You know very well that is not what I meant.

 

Boy Wonder: you can’t just open these doors for her and expect her to not take the opportunity.

 

```

 

4:32 pm

 

Babygirl: so what are y’all doin today when we leave?

 

Chocolate Thunder: got a house to work on.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: alcohol

 

Involuntary Father: I’m probably just going to relax.

 

LMFAO GAY: out with JJ

 

Gay-Jay: out with Em.

 

Boy Wonder: reading.

 

Babygirl: you all are so boring.

 

```

 

9:54 pm

 

Babygirl: CHALLENGE EVERYBODY SEND A SELFIE OF THEMSELVES RIGHT NOW NO PREPARATION

 

Babygirl sent an image

 

[image: Garcia making a peace sign at the camera. She is wearing a purple dress with a green jacket, and many assorted hair clips.]

 

Chocolate Thunder: only for you, Pen.

 

Chocolate Thunder sent an image

 

[image: Morgan standing inside a house, wearing a black tank top and athletic pants, with wood dust clinging to the tank top. He’s wearing safety glasses]

 

Babygirl: god you’re so gorgeous

 

Chocolate Thunder: as are you

 

Involuntary Father: you do know everyone else is still here, right?

 

Babygirl: HOTCH YOUR TURN

 

Involuntary Father: fuck

 

Involuntary Father: fine

 

Involuntary Father sent an image

 

[image: Hotch in casual clothes on his sofa. He is not smiling, opting to make the standard Hotch Face™. He is wearing sweatpants and an FBI t-shirt]

 

LMFAO GAY: seeing Hotch without a suit and tie makes me feel like a victorian man who just saw a womans ankle it feels scandalous.

 

Boy Wonder: lol

 

LMFAO GAY: me and JJ are together, so I’ll send one for both of us.

 

LMFAO GAY sent an image

 

[image: JJ and Emily standing together. Emily is wearing a red sweater and flared black pants. JJ is wearing a foam green sweater with white stripes and skinny black pants. Emily had an arm wrapped around JJ’s middle, and JJ has a hand on the arm wrapped around her. They both look very happy.]

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: I’ll participate

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker sent an image

 

[image: Rossi sitting in a chair, a glass of wine in his hand. He is still in his suit, but his tie is removed.]

 

Babygirl: Reid your turn!!!

 

Babygirl: I know you’re here you reacted to Emily a few minutes ago.

 

Boy Wonder: no.

 

Chocolate Thunder: You have to. We all did.

 

Boy Wonder: I don’t want to

 

LMFAO GAY: fuckin lame

 

LMFAO GAY: you gotta

 

LMFAO GAY: @Boy Wonder you gotta

 

LMFAO GAY: plz

 

LMFAO GAY: reid

 

LMFAO GAY: reid

 

LMFAO GAY: reid

 

LMFAO GAY: reid

 

LMFAO GAY: reid

 

LMFAO GAY: reid

 

Boy Wonder: OH MY GOD IF I DO IT WILL YOU STOP

 

LMFAO GAY: yes

 

Boy Wonder: fine. But you aren’t allowed to laugh at me.

 

Boy Wonder sent an image

 

[image: reid, looking annoyed, since he clearly just wants this to be over. He is wearing a jacket with a very puffy collar, but it has no zipper, revealing the top he is wearing, which is a formfitting black shirt. The top of his pants is showing, revealing he is wearing skinny jeans. Though the belt he is wearing has many rhinestones. (basically, he looks like the Rum Tum Tugger from 1998’s CATS. But a twink((scratch that, Rum Tum Tugger is 100% a twink))) There is also someone in the background, though they are very obscured and you would have to look pretty hard to see them. Reid is not at his own house, either.]

 

Babygirl: HOLY SHIT

 

LMFAO GAY: WHEN THE FUCK DID YOU OWN CLOTHES OTHER THAN SWEATERVESTS

 

Involuntary Father: Reid you look like the fucking Rum Tum Tugger from 1998.

 

Babygirl: OMG HE DOES

 

Gay-Jay: the what???

 

Babygirl: silence, non-theater kid.

 

Boy Wonder: I don’t even know what that is but im offended

 

LMFAO GAY: wait

 

LMFAO GAY: reid

 

Boy Wonder: ?

 

LMFAO GAY: whos that in the background??????

 

Boy Wonder has left BAU GROUPCHAT

 

Babygirl: oh no ya don’t

 

Babygirl has added Boy Wonder to BAU GROUPCHAT

 

Boy Wonder: worth a try

 

LMFAO GAY: spill

 

Boy Wonder: a friend.

 

LMFAO GAY: you have friends?

 

Boy Wonder: says one of my friends

 

Babygirl: she meant outside of work friends

 

Boy Wonder: oh

 

Boy Wonder: well, yes. I have a few outside of work.

 

Gay-Jay: is he nice?

 

Boy Wonder: Yeah. We met in college, and it had been a while since we’ve caught up, and he was in town.

 

Chocolate Thunder: are you dating?

 

Boy Wonder: Not anymore, no.

 

LMFAO GAY: lemme get this straight (well, gay. But still)

 

LMFAO GAY: You said you would be reading, but instead you’re dressed like a twink

 

LMFAO GAY: to hang out with an ex from college????

 

Boy Wonder: We’re still friends. We were friends before things escalated, and we were friends afterwards. I don’t see the problem?

 

Chocolate Thunder: so just to be clear you aren’t dating???

 

Boy Wonder: No, I am currently single. Why?

 

Chocolate Thunder: no reason at all.

 

Boy Wonder: as you would say; “good job, totally not suspicious at all /s”

 

Babygirl: Captain Oblivious is having a moment of clarity.

 

Boy Wonder: prob the Jager.

 

LMFAO GAY: since when are you cool wtf

 

Gay-Jay: yeah, honestly.

 

Babygirl: you need to talk more, and we need to listen more.

 

Babygirl: @Involuntary Father Morgan is being Mr. Mistoffelees.

 

Involuntary Father: that is an accurate comparison. Though I figured it would be the other way around.

 

LMFAO GAY: STOP SPEAKING THEATER AND SPEAK NORMAL PEOPLE

 

Babygirl: nah, if we did spencer would be mad

 

Boy Wonder: hey Garcia, should I look up what a “Rum Tum Tugger” is?

 

Babygirl: no

 

Involuntary Father: no

 

LMFAO GAY: taken from someone who just relented and looked it up; yes.

 

Boy Wonder: sorry em, im listening to dad.

 

LMFAO GAY: “sorry coolest person here, I’m listening to a lame ass mofo who was a fuckin theater kid”

 

LMFAO GAY: like come on dude

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: hang on hang on I’m gonna backtrack us for a moment

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: you’re drinking jager????

 

Boy Wonder: yeah???

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: I honestly didn’t think people your age even knew what jager was. Do people drink that anymore.

 

Involuntary Father: Dave just last week I saw you say that something happened a while ago and JJ probably wouldn’t remember it and then described something from 1989.

 

Chocolate Thunder: on the opposite end of the “im secretly immortal but bad at hiding it” you once showed me a comic strip saying I probably saw it in the paper on a Sunday a few years back. It was from like the 60s.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: Morgan I am not immortal

 

Babygirl: that’s what an immortal would say.

 

LMFAO GAY: evidence your immortal:

 

Boy Wonder: what evidence could there possibly be

 

LMFAO GAY: you haven’t died yet

 

Boy Wonder: shit that’s solid

 

Boy Wonder: am I immortal

 

Gay-Jay: no, spence, you’re drunk

 

LMFAO GAY: same difference, really.

 

Babygirl: He will do as he do

 

Involuntary Father: And there’s no doing anything about it

 

LMFAO GAY: STOP SPEAKING THEATER KID

Chapter Text

10:02 am

 

Babygirl: Okay everyone! Big decision time!!!

 

Involuntary Father: about what?

 

Babygirl: Are we doing a secret santa, or just giving gifts to everyone.

 

Chocolate Thunder: We did secret santa last year, how about just giving gifts to everyone?

 

Involuntary Father: I vote secret santa.

 

Boy Wonder: I also vote secret santa.

 

Babygirl: works for me! Everybody come to the conference room to draw your person!!

 

LMFAO GAY: ight.

 

```

 

Private message between Babygirl and LMFAO GAY

 

10:30 am

 

LMFAO GAY: so…

 

Babygirl: I haven’t forgotten. The matchmaker never forgets

 

LMFAO GAY: the matchmaker? Girl im the one who asked her out

 

Babygirl: You technically asked Hotch out, if we’re gonna get technical.

 

LMFAO GAY: okay that’s fair.

 

LMFAO GAY: still, how are you gonna get me and JJ under the mistletoe? The party is in like five days.

 

Babygirl: Oh honey, do you doubt my abilities?

 

LMFAO GAY: fuck no, not for a second. I’m just wonderin if there’s anything I need to do?

 

Babygirl: Sweetie, leave all that to me, I got this.

 

LMFAO GAY: Thanks, Pen. I love ya.

 

Babygirl: ooo don’t let jj hear you ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡ – ✧)

 

LMFAO GAY: lol

 

```

 

BAU GROUPCHAT

 

2:21 pm

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: Okay, I know I’m gonna end up doing the majority of the cooking, but who all is bringing what?

 

LMFAO GAY: I’ll bring the alcohol.

 

Babygirl: I’ll bring cookies!

 

Boy Wonder: Me and Garcia are making the cookies together, so I’ll just take partial credit for that.

 

Babygirl: dw I promise I’ll make sure they’re edible.

 

Boy Wonder: That’s accurate, but you don’t have to say it.

 

Involuntary Father: I’ll figure something out to bring. Probably watergate salad.

 

LMFAO GAY: excuse me what

 

Involuntary Father: I’ll figure something out to bring. Probably watergate salad.

 

LMFAO GAY: yeAH I GOT THAT THANKS

 

Involuntary Father: Then I don’t understand your confusion???

 

Babygirl: father, stop being old as heck. Nobody knows what a ‘watergate salad’ is

 

Boy Wonder: It’s a dish containing canned pineapple, marshmellows, pecans, and pudding mix.

 

Gay-Jay: sounds horrifying

 

LMFAO GAY: I’m down.

 

Involuntary Father: why has nobody except Reid heard of a watergate salad? It’s a Christmas/thanksgiving classic???

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: because it was first made in like the 1800’s and nobody except grandmothers actually enjoys it.

 

Involuntary Father: Then why was I always tasked with making it for gatherings?

 

Boy Wonder: likely to keep you busy as a child.

 

Involuntary Father: .

 

Involuntary Father: fuck

 

Chocolate Thunder: lmfao

 

Chocolate Thunder: I’ll bring turkey or something so it’s not all weird desserts, inedible desserts, Italian, and alcohol.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: okay. Thank you, all of you insufferable children in trenchcoats pretending to be adults.

 

LMFAO GAY: Actually I’m six possums and a garden gnome in a trenchcoat.

 

Boy Wonder: If you were a bunch of possums how would you be able to speak???

 

LMFAO GAY: that’s what the gnome is for, duh.

 

Chocolate Thunder: lol

 

```

 

4:42 pm

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: Garcia, I have a question.

 

Babygirl: shoot, pasta dad.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: Was breaking into my house part of the secret santa terms and conditions?

 

Babygirl: Uh, no? There weren’t really “terms and conditions” but it was implied? Why?

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: how do I send a picture?

 

Babygirl: Click the little flower icon, select the picture you want, then hit send.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: thank you, Penelope.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker sent an image

 

[image: Spencer and Emily are standing in Rossi’s living room, infront of the Christmas tree, which has a few presents beneath it. Emily looks kinda proud of herself, while Reid is forcing a smile, though it looks more like a cringe than anything]

 

Involuntary Father: did they break in? or do they have keys?

 

LMFAO GAY: we have keys

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: that you stOLE FROM UNDER THE MAT

 

Boy Wonder: A terrible place to keep a spare key, frankly.

 

Gay-Jay: I’m confused, why did they break into your house in the first place?

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: I have no idea. Care to explain you two overgrown children?

 

LMFAO GAY: hey man, for once I’m innocent. It was Spencer’s idea.

 

Involuntary Father: somehow I doubt that

 

Boy Wonder: THAT IS SLANDER, PRENTISS.

 

LMFAO GAY: BRUH WHICH ONE OF US STARTED THE CONVERSATION

 

Boy Wonder: TECHNICALLY ME BUT I DIDN’T THINK YOU WOULD RESPOND WITH ‘GET IN THE CAR’

 

Involuntary Father: stop fighting or you’re both grounded.

 

Boy Wonder: yes dad

 

LMFAO GAY: yes dad

 

Involuntary Father: Now. Why did you break into Rossi’s house?

 

LMFAO GAY: Reid already had his gift for his person picked out, but wanted it out of sight and out of mind, since apparently, “the longer it’s in my house, the more I’ll convince myself the recipient will hate it.”

 

Boy Wonder: yeah, so she just says “get in the car” and proceeds to drive me to Rossi’s house.

 

Boy Wonder: also, incase it matters (probably not) but Emily suggested we bust a window, but I voted we look for a key.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: let me get this straight. You broke into my fucking house to drop off your presents, something you could have literally just asked me to do by giving them to me?????

 

LMFAO GAY: heY YEAH SPENCER YOURE THE SMART ONE

 

Boy Wonder: I DIDN’T THINK THAT FAR AHEAD YOU BITCH

 

LMFAO GAY: FUCK YOU

 

Boy Wonder: FU

 

Boy Wonder: FUCK YOU

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: incase you two haven’t noticed, typing furiously while standing in my living room, you’re still standing in my living room. Of my house. That you broke into.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: Emily no

 

Boy Wonder: I’ll pay for it.

 

Chocolate Thunder: what did she do?

 

Boy Wonder sent an image

 

[image: a window. There is a large Emily-sized hole in the window. Emily is no longer in Rossi’s house.]

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: why are you like this

 

LMFAO GAY: I resent that

 

LMFAO GAY: on a related note

 

LMFAO GAY: ow

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: well I guess that’s it.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: or not

 

Boy Wonder: WHAT THE FUCK

 

Gay-Jay: ???

 

Boy Wonder: A BOX JUST FLEW THROUGH THE WINDOW AND HIT ME

 

Chocolate Thunder: whoops. Didn’t mean to hit ya.

 

Boy Wonder: why did you do that?????? ヽ(o`皿′o)ノ

 

Chocolate Thunder: you told me what window was open. Wanted my present under the tree already too


Boy Wonder: how did you even get here so fast???

 

Chocolate Thunder: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

```

 

Private Message between Babygirl and LMFAO GAY

 

Babygirl: it’s tomorrow. You ready for the matchmaker to work her magic.

 

LMFAO GAY; hell yeah, ‘matchmaker’.

 

Babygirl changed Babygirl’s name to Matchmaker

 

Matchmaker: it’s gonna be great, alright?

 

LMFAO GAY: anything I need to do?

 

Matchmaker: Trust me, k?

 

LMFAO GAY: will do.

 

Matchmaker: here we go. ( •̀ᴗ•́ )و ̑̑

Chapter Text

 

BAU GROUPCHAT

 

2:31 pm

 

LMFAO GAY: just to be clear, when are we gonna show up?

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: I’d say maybe around like six? If you want to come early feel free, but it might not be exciting.

 

Matchmaker: omg I’m so excited!!!

 

Chocolate Thunder: when did you change your name???

 

Matchmaker: Don’t worry about it, my big black 12 pack.

 

Gay-Jay: that one is new.

 

Involuntary Father: remind me to add that to the list.

 

Matchmaker: there’s a list?

 

Involuntary Father: of you and Morgan’s nicknames for eachother, yes.

 

Chocolate Thunder: oh damn.

 

Chocolate Thunder: how long is it?

 

LMFAO GAY: that’s what she said

 

Involuntary Father: roughly ten pages, single space.

 

Chocolate Thunder: jesus

 

Matchmaker: I’m not even all that surprised tbh.

 

Boy Wonder: literally nobody is, Garcia. /hj

 

LMFAO GAY: salty much? /s

 

Boy Wonder: shut up

 

Gay-Jay: we’re getting off track. Rossi. Anything else you need?

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: just yourselves, food/drinks, and secret santa presents, if you aren’t one of the fucks who literally broke into my house to drop them off.

 

Chocolate Thunder: hey, to be fair all I did was chuck mine through a window.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: that Emily broke, might I remind you.

 

Boy Wonder: She’s sorry.

 

LMFAO GAY: I’m not.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: I know you’re not.

 

Matchmaker: Mind if I show up a bit early so I can help decorate?

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: I mean, I’m already set up, but knowing you, there’s more decorations. Go ahead.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: hang on someone’s at my door.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: really?

 

Matchmaker: stop starin through the peephole and let me innnn

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: why the hell do you have like seven bags???????

 

Matchmaker: hush and let me work my magic.

 

Boy Wonder: Garcia, you said we’d make cookies together (Ф/\Ф)

 

Matchmaker: oh shoot. I’m so sorry, Spencer!

 

Boy Wonder: it’s okay.

 

Involuntary Father: Jack has been bugging me to make gingerbread cookies with him, and we were about to do that. Do you want to join us, Reid?

 

Boy Wonder: I don’t wanna intrude on your time with Jack.

 

Involuntary Father: It’s no trouble, and he adores you.

 

Boy Wonder: okay. Thank you (✿◠‿◠)

 

Involuntary Father: I’d say you’ll have an equal skill level to Jack in the baking department.

 

Gay-Jay: Hotch, Jack is nine.

 

Involuntary Father: I know

 

Boy Wonder: (╬≖_≖)

 

Involuntary Father: By all means, prove me wrong.

 

Chocolate Thunder: lol you know he can’t.

 

Boy Wonder: morgan shut up

 

Chocolate Thunder: last week I was making quesadillas in a pan and asked him to flip them when they were ready so I could use the bathroom

 

Boy Wonder: morgan no

 

Chocolate Thunder: and I came back to the pan on fire, and Reid panicking.

 

Boy Wonder: just because it’s true doesn’t mean you have to tell everyone

 

Chocolate Thunder: yeah but its funny lol.

 

LMFAO GAY: I would like to take this opportunity to clear myself of any grudge that may exist from our surrogate parents, since it’s clear that it’s not my fault that one time I accidently caught Spencer on fire. He seems really good at making cooking turn into arson.

 

Gay-Jay: he is good at setting things on fire

 

Boy Wonder: only on accident!

 

Chocolate Thunder: lmao. Why are you like this Spencer, who hurt you?

 

Boy Wonder: is that a real question? /gen

 

Chocolate Thunder: wait no

 

Boy Wonder: I’ll give you a list

 

Chocolate Thunder: …

 

Chocolate Thunder: You know what, lemme see that list

 

Involuntary Father: Morgan I will not be an alibi if you commit murder.

 

Chocolate Thunder: Like you wouldn’t help me.

 

Involuntary Father: …

 

Involuntary Father: yeah reid can you send that list

 

Boy Wonder: honestly im surprised you don’t have lists of your own. /hj

 

Matchmaker: they do

 

Boy Wonder: I would ask how you know that but I feel like I already know.

 

Matchmaker sent a PDF file.

 

Matchmaker: Morgan’s list.

 

Matchmaker sent a PDF

 

Matchmaker: Hotch’s list

 

Boy Wonder: hey guys quick question

 

Boy Wonder: why is my dad at the top of both of your lists???

 

```

 

4:23 pm

 

Involuntary Father sent an image

 

[image: Hotch’s kitchen, with Jack and Spencer inside. Both wear aprons, Jack’s with dinosaurs on it, and Spencer’s with cats. Flour is basically everywhere; counters, sink, hands, faces. Cookie batter is kind of everywhere. Jack is laughing in the photo, and Spencer is too. He overall looks like he’s having fun.]

 

Matchmaker saved an image

 

Chocolate Thunder saved an image

 

LMFAO GAY saved an image

 

Gay-Jay saved an image

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker saved an image

 

```

 

5:02 pm

 

Gay-Jay: I’m gonna go ahead and come over, Rossi.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: okay, jj. Garcia is already here, by the way.

 

Involuntary Father: me and Reid will be over soon.

 

LMFAO GAY: I’ll show up in a bit, I’ve gotta finish something up lol.

 

Chocolate Thunder: omw.

 

```

 

6:02 pm

 

LMFAO GAY: rossi ley mr innnnnnnn

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: you can’t open the door yourself?????

 

LMFAO GAY: n

 

Gay-Jay: are you drunk already, Em?

 

LMFAO GAY: ni in tyoinf wth my nose

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker sent an image

 

[image: taken from the peephole of the door, looking out at Emily. She is holding an ungodly amount of wine, and a box of some kind of pastery. Her phone is balanced ontop of the box, and she is typing with her nose, looking extremely focused.]


Involuntary Father: Dave, let her inside.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: nah this is funny.

 

Gay-Jay: I’ve got you, Em.

 

LMFAO GAY: thsnk yiu

 

```

 

Involuntary Father: me and reid are just getting here now, we’ll be in in a second.

 

Matchmaker: did 187 make good cookies.

 

Involuntary Father: yes

 

Boy Wonder: yes

 

LMFAO GAY: he sent me a picture of them earlier. Take it from me, folks. No, he did not.

 

Boy Wonder: (‡ಠ╭╮ಠ) I tried, okay???

 

LMFAO GAY: your gingerbread men look like something me and Morgan would stand next to uncomfortably while talking to a ME.

 

Boy Wonder: (・∩・)

 

Involuntary Father: stop being mean to him, he did a good job.

 

Matchmaker: oh sweetie I just saw the cookies what did you do ʕ⊙ᴥ⊙ʔ

 

Boy Wonder: ༼ಢ_ಢ༽

 

Boy Wonder: my best

 

```

 

Chocolate Thunder: I have arrived!

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: we can see that, given the fact you mock kicked in my door.

 

Matchmaker: shush pasta man, that’s him being glorious.

 

Gay-Jay: well, hey, everyone is here!

 

Involuntary Father: indeed.

 

Chocolate Thunder: how long do you think it’ll take for Emily to start drinking

 

LMFAO GAY: first of all, fuck you

 

LMFAO GAY: and second of all, I’m already on my first glass.

 

Boy Wonder: negative ten minutes.

 

Matchmaker, I vote that after dinner, we do secret santa!!!

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: works for me, the linguine and mussels alla diavola is done

 

LMFAO GAY: gesundheit.

 

```

 

Gay-Jay: this is really good Rossi. Thanks for hosting.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: any time. Plus I don’t think I had much of a choice

 

Matchmaker: hahaha (◕‿◕✿)

 

Matchmaker: you did not (≖ᴗ≖✿)

 

Involuntary Father: hey Prentiss, you tried the watergate salad, what do you think.

 

LMFAO GAY: it’s fuckin insane, completely unhinged, and made up of things I would never in a million years put together.

 

Gay-Jay: translation: she loves it

 

LMFAO GAY: I’m forcing you to make this for me again sometime.

 

Involuntary Father: ill tell you how to make it, it’s not that hard.

 

LMFAO GAY: shut up the secret ingredient is love

 

Involuntary Father: no the secret ingredient is that Jack lost a toothpick in it.

 

Chocolate Thunder: found it.

 

Chocolate Thunder: it was like the extreme version of when you accidentally bite a dorito vertically.

 

Matchmaker: lol

 

```

 

Matchmaker: gift time!!!!!!

 

Matchmaker: who wants to open their gift first????

 

Gay-Jay: you should, Pen. You were the one to plan this, afterall.

 

Matchmaker: okay!! (◕ᴥ◕)

 

Matchmaker: ooo I wonder what it is!

 

Matchmaker: omg awwwww

 

Matchmaker: It’s a picture of the team! And cute little trinkets!!!!

 

Matchmaker: thanks hotch

 

Boy Wonder: how did you know it was Hotch?

 

Matchmaker: he smiled.

 

Boy Wonder: true.

 

Matchmaker: Hotch should go next!

 

Involuntary Father: ok.

 

Involuntary Father: why does the mug say proud father of seven?

 

Gay-Jay: you are our father

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: he’s not my dad.

 

LMFAO GAY: shut up, you’re on this team aren’t you

 

Gay-Jay: it was from me, Hotch.

 

Involuntary Father: I guessed that, given the inside of the box says ‘Henry was here’ in blue crayon.

 

Gay-Jay: omg

 

Gay-Jay: I guess I’ll go next.

 

Gay-Jay: I’m gonna cry.

 

Boy Wonder: why? I can’t tell what it is.

 

Gay-Jay: it’s a heart necklace, like Roz’s.

 

LMFAO GAY: it’s a locket. Open it.

 

Gay-Jay: oh god you’re really trying to make me cry, aren’t ya?

 

Matchmaker: rossi has old man eyes what is it?

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: hey

 

Gay-Jay: It’s a picture of the boys on one side, and a picture of me and Emily on the other.

 

Chocolate Thunder: yeah, so that’s totally from Emily.


LMFAO GAY: yeah, I love you.

 

Gay-Jay: I love you too, Em.

 

Gay-Jay: your turn.

 

LMFAO GAY: ok.

 

LMFAO GAY: ohhh this feels like wine.

 

Boy Wonder: you didn’t even open it yet?????

 

LMFAO GAY: I’m an alcoholic, reid. I know alcohol.

 

LMFAO GAY: ooo Rossi this is the stuff you were talkin about!


Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: yep. Chianti Classico.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: I’m tired of seeing you drink cheap shit

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: it’s  Isole e Olena Chianti Classico Gran Selezione

 

LMFAO GAY: thanks, papa pasta

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: moment ruined.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: my turn, I guess.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: tickets?

 

Boy Wonder: to Disney. There’s two so you can take your grandson, Kai. Figured he should get some cool memories.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: Thank you, Spencer. That’s really thoughtful

 

Involuntary Father: don’t go cryin Dave.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: I’m not tearing up, theres just something in my eye, alright?

 

LMFAO GAY: yeah, tears.

 

Boy Wonder: well, it was from me. So my turn?

 

Chocolate Thunder: yep, pretty boy.

 

Boy Wonder: hhh its heavy

 

Chocolate Thunder: channel those muscles, Spencer. They’re in there somewhere.

 

Boy Wonder: no they’re not, Morgan.

 

Boy Wonder: okay. Now to actually open it.


Boy Wonder: oooooooo

 

Involuntary Father: morgan what the fuck

 

Chocolate Thunder: what??? How do you know it was me??? (,Ծ_Ծ,)

 

Involuntary Father: only you or prentiss would be irresponsible enough to get Reid an expresso machine, and Prentiss had JJ.

 

Boy Wonder: oh man I’m gonna make so much coffee

 

Involuntary Father: you can only have three cups of expresso in a day.

 

Boy Wonder: it’s gonna be in my house, you can’t enforce that

 

Involuntary Father: I know.

 

Matchmaker: Derek, your up!

 

Chocolate Thunder: alrighty.

 

Chocolate Thunder: oh these are nice!

 

Matchmaker: good headphones! For when your on the jet, or working out that majestic body

 

Involuntary Father: Garcia

 

Matchmaker: it’s Christmas dad, allow it.

 

Involuntary Father: fine.

 

Chocolate Thunder: thanks, babygirl. I mean it.

 

Gay-Jay: well that’s everybody.

 

LMFAO GAY: all shitty jokes aside, this has been really fun, guys.

 

LMFAO GAY: time to get fucking wasted.

 

Matchmaker: oh, wait! I have an idea!!!

 

Boy Wonder: ?

 

Matchmaker: JJ, why don’t you have Emily help you put on your necklace? It’ll be a good photo op, too.

 

Gay-Jay: yeah, that’s a good idea.

 

Matchmaker: here here, the doorway here is a good spot, the lighting is good.

 

Matchmaker: yeah I’ll start recording!

 

Gay-Jay: recording?

 

Chocolate Thunder: oh you sly dog

 

Gay-Jay: what?

 

Gay-Jay: thanks, em. Why are you smiling like that?

 

LMFAO GAY: look up, JJ.

 

Gay-Jay: (*•‿•*)

 

Boy Wonder: don’t just stand there!

 

Matchmaker: got it on video, too!!!

 

Boy Wonder: send it!!!!!!

 

Matchmaker sent a video

 

[Video: Shot from Garcia’s phone, we see JJ and Emily standing in the doorway. They face eachother, and Emily does the clasp on JJ’s necklace.

 

“Thanks, Emily. I love it.” JJ says, looking up from the necklace for the first time since Emily started helping her with it. Emily has a massive grin on her face, and JJ quirks an eyebrow. “What’s the smile for?”

 

Emily grins slightly wider, and points up, “Look up, JJ.”

 

JJ looks up, and a rosy tint spreads across her cheeks. She looks back at Emily, and laughs, “Oh, this was orchestrated, wasn’t it?”

 

From behind the camera, Garcia whoops, “Yeah it was!”

 

The pair look at eachother for a long moment, both blushing. After a few moments have passed, Reid speaks up. “Don’t just stand there, kiss her!”

 

JJ laughs, starting to turn to say something to Reid, but Emily puts a hand lovingly on JJ’s cheek, and leans in for the kiss, tilting her head away from the camera to get the angle for the kiss. JJ looks surprised for a moment, before her eyes close and she leans into the kiss, too. It lasts for a long moment, before Emily pulls away, and JJ does as well. Emily pulls JJ into a hug, and whispers “I love you” into her hair. The video ends.]

 

Involuntary Father: I’m really happy for you two.

 

LMFAO GAY: hehehe  d(✿˶^∪^)b

 

Matchmaker: too happy, she’s gonna melt.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: I don’t even have a funny quip.

 

Chocolate Thunder: same, normally I’d say something sarcastic but this is just wholesome.

 

Gay-Jay: I love you so much, Emily. I know I played a little hard to get, but I always have. You’re incredible.

 

LMFAO GAY: hhhhhhhh you’re so pretty. Like, the most beautiful person on the planet, inside and out. (no offense Garcia)

 

Matchmaker: lol none taken

 

Boy Wonder: wait is that why Garcia changed her name to Matchmaker?

 

Matchmaker: yep. Get with the program, Jr. G-man.

 

```

 

Private Message between Chocolate Thunder and Matchmaker

 

7:02 pm

 

Chocolate Thunder: hey gorgeous. I’ve got an idea. It’ll be nice if you record it.

 

Matchmaker: record what? What are you gonna do?

 

Chocolate Thunder: trust me, you’ll know when it’s time, k?

 

Matchmaker: okay big black 12 pack.


Chocolate Thunder: alright mama.

 

```

 

BAU GROUPCHAT

 

7:12 pm

 

Chocolate Thunder: hey pretty boy?

 

Boy Wonder: ? what

 

Chocolate Thunder: c’mere I have an idea

 

Boy Wonder: wow what a completely inconspicuous sentence /srs

 

LMFAO GAY: only you would say that in earnest, Reid.

 

Boy Wonder: ¯\(º_o)/¯

 

Matchmaker: oh its time

 

Gay-Jay: ?

 

Boy Wonder: what does that mean?

 

Matchmaker: I’ll tell you in a minute, reid.

 

Boy Wonder: oh okay

 

Chocolate Thunder: here.

 

Chocolate Thunder: know what this means?


Boy Wonder: ?

 

Chocolate Thunder: not to rehash lines from earlier, but look up, pretty boy.


Boy Wonder: oh mistletoe

 

Chocolate Thunder: you know what that means?

 

Boy Wonder: yeah.

 

```

 

7:20 pm

 

Involuntary Father: now that that’s over, Garcia I need you to send the video you discretely recorded immediently.

 

Matchmaker: with pride, dad.

 

Matchmaker sent a video

 

[video: Roughly ten minutes long. Morgan leads Reid under the mistletoe, and askes, “You know what that means?” Reid appears to misinterpret this, and proceeds to launch into a ten minute explanation of the history, usage, and significance of mistletoe from a cultural and historical sense. Over the course of the video, Morgan’s shoulders slowly slump as he realizes his mistake. Reid doesn’t seem to notice this, and is just happy to explain something.]

 

Boy Wonder: I’m confused? What did I do wrong?

 

Gay-Jay: nothing, Spence. You’re perfect.

 

Chocolate Thunder: yeah

 

```

 

11:53 pm

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: well, you’re all intoxicated.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: I take it you will all be spending the night here.

 

LMFAO GAY: ye lol

 

Gay-Jay: I’ll bunk with em

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: I have enough rooms you don’t need to do that

 

Gay-Jay: as I”ve explaind to Henry. Need and want are different things.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: makes sense

 

Chocolate Thunder: I’m honestly just impressed we got Reid drunk

 

Matchmaker: and im impressed how a boy from vegas would be so bad at holding his liquor.

 

Boy Wonder: imn ginma fihgt tye mooon

 

Involuntary Father: I’m sure you will, Spencer.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: wait Emily why are you pouring more wine for everyone

 

LMFAO GAY: we aint drunk enough

 

Involuntary Father; im cutting spencer off.

 

Boy Wonder: nnio

 

Involuntary Father: yes.

 

Boy Wonder: oksy I honner anf rdspect yuor oliniion.

 

Involuntary Father: okay.

 

```

 

1:12 am

 

LMFAO GAY: nowq we drumj enuohg.

 

Matchmaker: yee

 

Boy Wonder: hry rosso

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: ?

 

Boy Wonder: id yuo turn ofd thr lihgts ill scrstch yuor eeys out.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: noted.

 

Chocolate Thunder: preetty boy y ru stull scraed of dark?

 

Involuntary Father: no asking him personal questions while he’s drunk, he’s gonna be mad in the morning

 

LMFAO GAY: tell us soence

 

Boy Wonder: dark mreans momsss nit ginna remrmbre yuo.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: well we don’t have time to unpack all that

 

LMFAO GAY: shu t up jogn mulaney

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: who???

 

Boy Wonder: god tiet comrdian.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: ah.

 

LMFAO GAY: ima sleeepp niw.

 

LMFAO GAY: morfan helo me crarry jj.

 

Chocolate Thunder: k

 

Gay-Jay: hh cn walk.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: Can and should, jj. Two different things.

 

Matchmaker: hey choocco thunder

 

Chocolate Thunder: ?

 

Matchmaker: bet yuo cnt kick doen thr pentry dooor.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: what

 

Chocolate Thunder: bet

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: no wait

 

Boy Wonder: he cuold.

 

Matchmaker: heell yaeh.

 

Boy Wonder: wwooooo

 

Involuntary Father: he’ll pay for it in the morning.

 

Boy Wonder: hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey eyh yeh

 

Chocolate Thunder: h?

 

Boy Wonder: cmere

 

Chocolate Thunder: k

 

Boy Wonder: ilove yuo

 

Matchmaker: yeAAHHDH

 

Involuntary Father: @Chocolate Thunder if you do literally anything to him while he’s this fucking drunk, I’ll make sure they never find your body.

 

Chocolate Thunder: jese fukcin crhist.

 

Chocolate Thunder: I wuoldnnt. Yuo knpw that.

 

Involuntary Father: I know, I just wanted to make sure th e sentiment was fresh in your mind.

 

Boy Wonder: peen

 

Chocolate Thunder: no

 

Boy Wonder: gib

 

Boy Wonder: gib peen

 

Chocolate Thunder: no


Boy Wonder: ɿ(。・ɜ・)ɾⓌⓗⓨ?

 

Chocolate Thunder: yuor drunk. Soam I

 

Boy Wonder: o

 

Boy Wonder: gib snugs. Niw. Snugs.

 

Involuntary Father: that’s fine, but don’t get any ideas.

 

Chocolate Thunder: jeez yuo thibk im a movster.

 

Involuntary Father: just cautious.

 

Boy Wonder: pu me dwon this id umnedonning of ne.

 

Matchmaker sent an image

 

[image: blurry photo of Morgan carrying reid like a sack of potatoes to the back rooms of the house, reid has his arms crossed and is saying something, looking highly undignified.]

 

Chocolate Thunder: gnight.

 

Boy Wonder: giod nught.

 

Involuntary Father: Good night, everybody.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: this whole thing was a mistake.

 

LMFAO GAY: mstakes re judt chuicse yuo habent made yet.

 

Involuntary Father: you’re supposed to be asleep.

 

LMFAO GAY sent an image

 

[image: selfie taken by Emily, looking down at the bed she and JJ are laying in. JJ is passed out, hugging Emily’s torso and holding her close. Emily has one hand wrapped around JJ, the other is taking the photo.]

 

Chocolate Thunder: one up yuo.

 

Chocolate Thunder sent an image

 

[image: morgan is taking the selfie, though it’s at a weird angle. He is laying down on a bed, with reid’s upper body draped over his chest. Reid’s gangly arms loosely hug morgan, while his legs hang off the bed.]

 

Matchmaker: I love allll od yuo.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: I don’t envy the headaches all of you will have in the morning.

 

Matchmaker: but in the meantime sleep well, and dream of large women.

 

Involuntary Father: …

 

Matchmaker: princrss bride.

 

Involuntary Father: I got that

 

Involuntary Father: I love how you immediently were sober for a moment, long enough to quote princess bride, with no spelling mistakes.

 

Matchmaker: thr power of Wesyley.

 

Involuntary Father: I’m going to go to bed before I pass out onto the floor.

 

Matchmaker: yuo donn look drunj.

 

Involuntary Father: I don’t look a lot of things. Like how I look calm.

 

Matchmaker: ye. Howre yuo so chill all thr tume

 

Involuntary Father: actually my mental health is spiraling.

 

Matchmaker: oh

 

Involuntary Father: ye

 

Matchmaker: do yuowanna talk aboyt it?

 

Involuntary Father: no

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: shut

 

Matchmaker: oki.

 

Matchmaker: gnight surrigotre dads

 

Involuntary Father: goodnight

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: night.

Chapter Text

8:02 am

 

LMFAO GAY: im never drinking again

 

Gay-Jay: shut up and go back to sleep

 

Chocolate Thunder: yall I’m gonna suffocate

 

LMFAO GAY: pics

 

LMFAO GAY: now

 

Chocolate Thunder sent an image

 

[image: selfie taken by Morgan. It shows him laying in bed, except ontop of him is Spencer, on his chest asleep, though his arms are wrapped around him. Morgan is trying not to smile.]

 

Matchmaker: he is babey

 

Chocolate Thunder: lol yeah


Chocolate Thunder: he drank a lot tho. He’s gonna want to die when he wakes up.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: the boys built like a Pipecleaner With Eyes why would anyone expect him to be able to hold his alcohol well?

 

Matchmaker changed Boy Wonder’s name to Pipecleaner With Eyes

 

LMFAO GAY: he’s gonna be pissed when he wakes up lol.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: yeah lol

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: I take it I’m gonna be on breakfast duty?

 

Gay-Jay: no food only sleep

 

Matchmaker: I take it you’re hungover JJ?

 

Gay-Jay: I don’t like drinking much

 

Chocolate Thunder: lmfao and you drink sometimes. Pretty boy doesn’t drink at all. He’s gonna straight up die.

 

Gay-Jay: emmmm

 

LMFAO GAY: ye?

 

Gay-Jay: put your phone down before I chuck it across the room and just sleep

 

LMFAO GAY: it’s literally 8 in the morning, its not that early

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: I’m guessing that thud was Emily’s phone getting thrown across the room?

 

Chocolate Thunder: probably

 

```

 

10:32 am

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: well, I finally made breakfast, hurry up and get up before it’s gone.

 

Chocolate Thunder: I’ll try and wake Spencer.

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: no

 

Chocolate Thunder: yes

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: sleep

 

Chocolate Thunder: no

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh cuddles?

 

Chocolate Thunder: fine

 

LMFAO GAY: fuckin simp

 

Matchmaker: true lol

 

Gay-Jay: pancamke

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: oh

 

LMFAO GAY: its cold without you

 

Matchmaker: that got her up real quick

 

Matchmaker: wait where’s hotch?

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: found him

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker sent an image

 

[image: Hotch, laying on the sofa, unconscious. He is laying on his stomach, with an arm hanging off the sofa, and one leg coming dangerously close to pulling the rest of him off the sofa.]

 

Matchmaker: lol

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: I smell coffee

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: I knew that would work

 

Chocolate Thunder: he said he was going to move, but proceeded to just fall back asleep

 

LMFAO GAY: careful, he gets political when he’s exhausted.

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: what the FUCK did Nickleback ever do to anybody???????

 

LMFAO GAY: there it is

 

Chocolate Thunder: well either way, im getting up.

 

Chocolate Thunder: spencer get off me

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: no

 

Chocolate Thunder: okay then. Plan b it is

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: whats pl

 

Matchmaker: did you kill him????

 

Chocolate Thunder: no, im carrying him to the coffee before he says something else offensive

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: cheetah girls is better than highschool musical

 

Involuntary Father: I agree

 

Matchmaker: take that back or you’re dead to me

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: more diversity, and better music and plot., kindly fuck off you sparkly bitch

 

LMFAO GAY: im living for this

 

LMFAO GAY: whatelse you got spencer?

 

Chocolate Thunder: wait no

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: cheese doesn’t need to be a part of every fucking meal

 

LMFAO GAY: give me mORE

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: why do you have to write essay summaries like were you not paying atte

 

Matchmaker: he just

 

Matchmaker: stopped

 

Chocolate Thunder: I put the coffee pot infront of him, the phone has been forgotten.

 

Gay-Jay: wait hang on wait

 

Gay-Jay: bippity boppity back the fuck up

 

Gay-Jay: hotch why have you even seen Highschool musical/ cheetah girls

 

Involuntary Father: …

 

Involuntary Father: @Matchmaker defend my honor my brain hurts to much to think of anything clever

 

Matchmaker: because he’s cultured, unlike some people we know.

 

Matchmaker: hey hey hotch

 

Involuntary Father: ?

 

Matchmaker: ♪♪\(^ω^\) cheetah girls! ( /^ω^)/♪♪

 

Involuntary Father: hhhh

 

Involuntary Father: ♪♪\(・・\) cheetah sisters ( /・・)/♪♪

 

LMFAO GAY: lmao why is yours so stiff

 

Involuntary Father: dignity

 

LMFAO GAY: whos she never heard of her

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: we know

 

Matchmaker: reids back!

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: why is my name Pipecleaner With Eyes

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: how do I change it back

 

Matchmaker: lol nope

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: ლ(゚д゚ლ)

 

```

 

11:21 am

 

Matchmaker: quick experiment.

 

Matchmaker: finish the song lyric

 

Matchmaker: wake me up.

 

LMFAO GAY: WAKE ME UP INSIDE

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: when September ends

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: before you go go

 

Involuntary Father: before you go go

 

Gay-Jay: when September ends

 

Chocolate Thunder: wake me up inside.

 

Matchmaker: Yeah that’s what I expected.

 

LMFAO GAY: hey morgan

 

Chocolate Thunder: ?

 

LMFAO GAY: WAKE ME UP

 

Chocolate Thunder: WAKE ME UP INSIDE

 

LMFAO GAY: I CANT WAKE UP

 

Chocolate Thunder: WAKE ME UP INSIDE

 

LMFAO GAY: SAVE ME

 

```

 

11:52 am

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: not that this hasn’t been nice, it has, but when are you all planning on leaving?

 

LMFAO GAY: subtle, pasta dad.

 

Chocolate Thunder: I was planning on leaving about now, so I’ll go ahead and head out.

 

Gay-Jay: yeah, me and Emily will head out too

 

LMFAO GAY: gotta blast

 

Matchmaker: god youre such a dork. And that’s coming from me

 

Matchmaker: yeah, I’ve got to go home and feed Sergio.

 

LMFAO GAY: when are you going to give me back my cat?

 

Matchmaker: nope!

 

Involuntary Father: I should pick up Jack from Jessica. Thanks Dave.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: no problem.

 

```

 

12:24 pm

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: hotch you were my ride

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: @Involuntary Father please come pick me up

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: @Involuntary Father dad why did you leave me?

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: @Involuntary Father

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: @Involuntary Father

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: @Involuntary Father

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: @Involuntary Father

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: @Involuntary Father

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: @Involuntary Father

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: hes not coming back is he?

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: guess you live here now.

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: oh

 

Matchmaker: lol you really said time for an adoption huh?

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: yeah pretty much.

 

```

 

12:31 pm

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: well im gonna try out the espresso maker derek got me.

 

```

 

12:45 pm

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: Aaron if you don’t come pick up your goddamn son I will disclose information about your love life to Garcia.

 

Matchmaker: ooooo

 

Involuntary Father: Dave why the fuck did you call me 42 times in the past ten minutes? I was driving.

 

Involuntary Father: oh.

 

Involuntary Father: Reid, are you okay?

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: he most certainly is not.

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: Morgan, I’m going to kill you for giving him that damn espresso machine.

 

Gay-Jay: @Pipecleaner With Eyes are you okay, Spence?

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: what if time and its correlated space is the consequence of what we called light since light is a consistent set of relatiopnships whiose properties give ridto the surrounding physics int the same way that mass appears to give rise to surrounign gravity becse since masses rae just points a t which essential energy consitiures the lighr construct are focused n time represents a harmonic resondance where overpaopping orientations of lights logiv induce what is effective indujctinve interference thatg porkduces something similar to frequench modulagtioln

 

Gay-Jay: what

 

Spaghetti Ass Motherfucker: at least youre getting it in text form where you can choose to ignore it.

 

Involuntary Father: I’ll come get him now.

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: the books you don’t touch are the filler books

 

LMFAO GAY: spencer are you dying?

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: coffee

 

Matchmaker: reid https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ih9hH0Z5hGU&ab_channel=RedxAngelxMars

 

LMFAO GAY: nah hes too much of a nerd to be Hogarth.

 

Pipecleaner With Eyes: h